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Forced into marriage

layla1234 posted 12/17/2019 08:18 AM

I've been through so much pain in the last year and a half, but my WH admitting that he felt forced into marrying me was a word that I haven't found to describe it yet.

A little backstory is we we started staing in 2004. I was his first gf and we started off not serious at all. I was just going to take his v card. Somehow, a relationship developed. He broke up with me in 2007. He said he wanted to see what else was out there and he didn't want to be tied down. Fine. This lasted maybe a day and he said he realized what a mistake it was.

2009 he finally proposed and we set a wedding date for 2011. In 2012, he started to like this coworker and I knew it as I experienced several uncomfortable situations with them. He would continue to do inappropriate things with her for years and kept it from me. Dday was 2018 and although he says the affair didn't really start until then, she had always been in our marriage from the very beginning.

Now he says he has no interest to her, has not spoken to her since he left his job in February of 2019 but he feels I forced him to marry me. I already started the divorce process, but I'm just so blah. I can't find the words to describe what I feel. Just blah.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/17/2019 08:47 AM

You realize this is all in his head, correct?

Where is the gun you held to his head on your wedding day? What were you blackmailing him over? What huge humiliating secret did you threaten to expose? Doesn't exist? Nowhere?

Ah, yet another wayward blaming everyone else for his actions. What a toddler.

Pick yourself up and carry on with your good character and integrity.

little turtle posted 12/17/2019 08:49 AM

Sounds like he is re-writing history. No one forced him to marry you. He did it all on his own.

EllieKMAS posted 12/17/2019 08:57 AM

Ugh layla... yep, sounds familiar. Mine decided that our entire marriage had been hell for him. Ummmm, WTF? Funny, didn't seem hellish to him when he asked me to marry him. Or when I was working and making all the money and he was doing nothing but working out and playing video games. Or when we were picking out our house and thinking about kids. Or when I took us to concerts/on vacations.

Just ugh infinity. Cheaters fucking SUCK.


layla1234 posted 12/17/2019 09:11 AM

I know he wasn't forced. It just hurts. And also shows how little he has grown from all this. Watching someone self destruct is no fun. I can't make him "get it"

[This message edited by layla1234 at 9:20 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]

Chili posted 12/17/2019 09:50 AM

Watching someone self destruct is no fun.

I totally get this. It's awful. But you can't approach this piece with any sort of logic. I mean seriously, who would do some of this crap to THEMSELVES? If I told you how far assclown has fallen since his extraction, I think you would be appalled. I still sometimes wonder, *who does that*?

Well, they do. Remember the key here is SELF-destruct for your WH. He is continuing to choose this pathway. It is his to own. And at some point, you don't need to continue to be a front row viewer if you don't choose to be.

DevastatedDee posted 12/17/2019 10:53 AM

It's such bullshit. Look, my XWH told me that he married me because he figured he was supposed to.


I had said that I didn't care about marriage.

He got obsessed with wedding rings and such and couldn't stop looking at them and showing them to me. Wanted one that fit who I was (damn him, I love that ring).

I agreed happily when he proposed, but suggested eloping because it would save money.

He said he wanted a "real" wedding to show me how much he loved me and he wanted to stand in front of our friends and family and say our vows. He spent a lot of time planning it even down to landscaping (we had the wedding on his parents' farm). He was way more amped up than I was about the event.

Got excited about picking a wedding officiant and was very romantic about the pre-wedding counseling session we had with her.

He had tears running down his cheeks when he said the vows.

He said the week of our honeymoon was the best week of his entire life.

But, Layla, he just did it because he figured he had to. You know, like how you have to brush your teeth in the morning or whatever.

EllieKMAS posted 12/17/2019 11:56 AM

I agreed happily when he proposed, but suggested eloping because it would save money.

He said he wanted a "real" wedding to show me how much he loved me and he wanted to stand in front of our friends and family and say our vows.

But, Layla, he just did it because he figured he had to.

Meeeee tooooo to all of this!!

And Layla - you are right. You can't make him GET IT. Sucks bigtime

Simplicity posted 12/17/2019 12:29 PM

Another part of the cheaters handbook, it seems. My XH said he felt obligated to marry me and was never attracted to me. One day while cleaning up books and papers I found notes he wrote that proved otherwise. Unless you had a knife to his back or a bomb strapped to him, he wasn't forced into anything. What an ass.

crazyblindsided posted 12/17/2019 12:43 PM

(((layla1234))) No one forced this fool into M what a moron!

It isn't easy when we begin to realize the people we put so much faith in did not have our backs, only their own.

Just know you never deserved any of this. None of us did. None of us want to be here. These WS's who act this way are so cowardly and emotionally abusive.

Please take the time out that you need to heal. Make sure you are practicing your own self-care.

The1stWife posted 12/17/2019 17:52 PM

My CH told me during his Affair I only married him to route my parents. My parents didnít like him due tomorrow cultural differences.

I wanted to smack him. He deeply regrets it now but just know the stupid shit cheaters say is outlandish and ridiculous!!

HalfTime2017 posted 12/17/2019 18:28 PM

LOL, its all the same with them isnt it?

My WW after dating for a long time, I got so much pressure from her, her mom, aunt and friends to propose. But once she got caught cheating, she said that she never loved me. She just felt like she was on a path, and needed to check off boxes of having gotten married, have kids, and buying a home. All of which I provided her.

Here is the thing, all that of which they had yearned for, they had, but chose to throw away. Sometimes, they are so empty they just keep looking. I was with this lady for 18 yrs, but you know, it was just boxes to check off. Its just a marriage rewrite. They have to justify it somehow.

Yrs from now, or maybe not even that long, they'll be yearning for something better, all the while missing what they've already had. I promise. This is how they are. You can fill that black hole enough. Be happy its no longer your job, and you get to see them for who they are.

Ratpicker posted 12/17/2019 19:39 PM

Another Wayward with a Phd. in History Re-writing. What a shock! So he thinks you forced him to marry you? Meh... Who cares what crazy thoughts he created. Make sure he KNOWS you are going to force him to be divorced from you. He can peddle his cheating wares someplace else!

nekonamida posted 12/17/2019 21:01 PM

Ugh, what a douche. You know it's not true but it hurts nonetheless. He really hasn't changed much if at all if this is how he acts when you are actively trying to get out. The mask is officially off.

hansvoleman posted 12/18/2019 07:46 AM

HI Layla. I am sorry for your pain but I have to ask "How did you force him?". Please PM me your secret so I can bottle and market it.

Seriously, if ever there were an indication of a person's level of maturity it is this kind of hollow excuse. I got a "why did you think our marriage would last?" chucked at me when my XW cheated after only a few years. I treated our marriage as a serious commitment from which XW benefited hugely. Had I known she was treating it as a transaction to which buyer's remorse applied, I would have left her on the shelf. Of course that was the underlying difference in values that we held to.

The word that I used at the time to describe how I felt was "denigrated". It seemed stronger than "disrespected" or "used". This feeling only lasted as long as retained any love or longing for XW. I hope your's passes soon.

7yrsflushed posted 12/20/2019 15:20 PM

but he feels I forced him to marry me.
^^^This is all bullshit. Next time he says it tell him sorry he feels that way but it's okay because you are even now...he is forcing you to divorce him.

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