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crazyblindsided posted 12/17/2019 15:25 PM

Anyone else struggling with the holidays?

My biggest struggle is seeing all the happy families together while mine is falling apart.

This is usually my favorite time of year and I can't feel anything but sorrow.

This isn't getting easier and I grow more depressed by the day.

Can't help but feel more years are about to be wasted and just pass by while I'm in grief. I feel like I have already been grieving the last 5 years in limbo.

Honestly feels like hell on earth.

EllieKMAS posted 12/17/2019 16:39 PM

The holidays suck, especially when you are dealing with this crap. Just practice self-care and get done with them and hopefully being freer and lighter next year will bring some of the holiday cheer back.

(((cbs)))

barcher144 posted 12/17/2019 17:34 PM

(((crazyblindsided)))

Are you sad? Or are you suffering from major depressive disorder?

If the latter, please see a professional for help.

If the former, find someone special and hug the crap out of them. Dogs are especially good for this.

FusedGlass posted 12/17/2019 17:45 PM

Yes, this holiday season is really rough for me too. It's the first one since separating, and it's also bringing back the affair trauma that happened a year ago.

I think EllieKMAS is right about just getting through it with as much self-care as possible.

I'm really trying to give myself permission this year to feel however I feel. You don't have to beat yourself up for not enjoying the holidays right now, and it doesn't mean you won't feel differently in the future. All of this is unbelievably hard, and I find it helps me to acknowledge that (often!).

crazyblindsided posted 12/17/2019 17:56 PM

Are you sad? Or are you suffering from major depressive disorder?

I do suffer from major depressive disorder. Was diagnosed right after D-Day 2 and have been on medication since. I see a psychiatrist and an IC regularly too. It really stinks!

I do have animals that I hug when I get home from work. They are truly a godsend and my kids when they are being nice to me

crazyblindsided posted 12/17/2019 17:58 PM

Thank you EllieKMAS & FusedGlass I do think self-care is the way and I try. Just get sucked under and not sure if I just need to feel it and let it pass. I will be so happy when this stuff doesn't keep bogging me down.

barcher144 posted 12/17/2019 19:52 PM

I rarely offer specific advice regarding mental health because I am not qualified and everyone else is different.

My general advice is always the same:

1. Go easy on yourself.
2. Get a dog (or other animal)... or spend time with a dog.

Since you have already done #2, go for #1. Get a manicure. Read a good book.

Do something that makes you happy! Spoil yourself!

Bleu posted 12/17/2019 20:08 PM

This is my first solo holiday season. It's not easy.

The kids and I picked out our tree a few days ago. I was excited then sunk down since this is my first Christmas in 20+ years without STBXH. First tree without him.

This is not what I picked. It sucks.

I had to remember that I have peace most days and that is priceless.

Another vote for self-care and pampering.

3greatkids posted 12/18/2019 03:49 AM

The holidays are indeed hell on earth. I’d give anything to wake up and it was Jan 2 already. *sigh*
One foot in front of the other, day by day and moment by moment at the worst. Lots of self care and reduced commitments and expectations.

Cooley2here posted 12/18/2019 07:56 AM

Several years ago a group of us got together and formed a book club. I turned off my TV and started reading every day. The first thing I figured out was how little I missed television. I especially do not miss all the hype that goes around any holiday.. It’s all fake. The people in those ads are actors. Keep in mind that they are after your money. Some of them do not practice any religion and all they are interested in is your cash. Now what I listen to and watch is a Yule log that loops 24 hours a day. It even has sound effects. That’s what I’ve been watching on TV for the last few days. I’ve also been reading. My husband and I have our adult children/family here for Thanksgiving which is the family holiday. On Christmas I put two of three small decorations just for us. Just remember that all TV is a hype. The best thing you can do is go to the library and get some free books and read those and give yourself a break.
If you want to do something special find a family that needs a good meal and buy it for them.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:02 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

hopefullife posted 12/18/2019 09:00 AM

This is my first solo holiday too. It's his birthday and our anniversary, so it sucks so bad. I'm going out of the country for my first solo trip, I want to be as far away as possible, maybe do volunteer work and meet new friends. I will enjoy this season and make new memories where he isn't in it.

I imagine I will cry and be sad on my trip. But I'm hoping years down the road it will be my memory of the season, not us. Let's get through this.

crazyblindsided posted 12/18/2019 11:57 AM

If you want to do something special find a family that needs a good meal and buy it for them.

I'm going to do this! Thank you this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes me feel happy...to help others!

barcher144 posted 12/18/2019 13:33 PM

I'm going to do this! Thank you this is exactly the kind of stuff that makes me feel happy...to help others!

I didn't want to suggest this because I'm weird... but this is what I do regularly.

In learning that I am a co-dependent, I have learned that it is safer for me to do my "people pleasing" with strangers. I go out of my way to help people at Home Depot, McDonald's, wherever. It really helps.

I don't try to please STBXW any longer, that's for sure.

Newlease posted 12/18/2019 15:03 PM

Sometimes I feel like December is something that must be endured. I used to LOVE Christmas. My father died in December many years ago - the first two Christmases after that were tough, but I had small children so I kept going to make the holiday special for them.

Then my world blew up with the D and the holidays have never been the same since. I have had some joy around the holidays since then, but it's not what I imagined my life would look like and sometimes I still dwell on what should have been (not that I want XWH back in any way).

Then 3 years ago my sister, who was more like a 2nd mother to me, died in December - two days before my birthday. And even though I should be through my grieving, the whole month just feels overwhelming sometimes.

And since I'm a people-pleaser, I get dragged into functions that I would rather skip. I get overscheduled and exhausted and add the grief on top of that and yea - I'm ready for January - or better yet, spring.

Sending strength and peace to you.

NL

whoami62 posted 12/18/2019 16:07 PM

I am feeling pretty depressed about the holidays too , although H and I are together and working hard towards R.
My Dday was in early November 2017 and I lived in an odd state of despair , HB and hiding the truth from our family.

When I found out ( part of ) the truth , my H came up with the idea to remodel our kitchen with a DIY project . This was something I had wanted to do for a long time . It was actually a good distraction , but it put the inevitable on hold.

It took close to 18 months to find therapists that actually helped us , both as individuals and together. FWIW , my H is a SA and until he actually admitted that and gave up all his sources for arousal ( not all sexual , but all betrayals ) we didn't really get down to the hard work

So in some sense , I have only been really healing and understanding it since early April of this year

It has become more real and it has opened up wounds that I managed to put bandaids on over the last two holiday seasons

Christmas prep has been tortuous for me...I have no control over my gifts that I have bought

barely have decorated...my tree ( at least I got one ) is almost as pathetic as the one from Charlie Brown Christmas

I have done a few things to make myself feel better , by helping out people in need and I am happy to see 2 of my daughters . The other one cannot be with us this year , but we spent Thanksgiving together

Bring on January !

skeetermooch posted 12/18/2019 16:53 PM

I don't believe most of those "happy families" I see out there are actually happy so the holidays don't bother me more than the regular days, which are still quite bothersome.

I try to go to being of service - that's what I always tell my kids - when your life is the pits you can get joy by being of service to others. Sometimes we can't even do that - but something simple like letting someone in front you in line or a smile to a stranger is enough.

I know I sound so pollyanna - sorry.

Did you all see this Macy's video from SNL - really made me laugh I couldn't post a link sorry.

EllieKMAS posted 12/18/2019 18:50 PM

One thing I have always enjoyed doing is when I'm at a restaurant, I anonymously pick up the check for another table. Usually for an older couple or a mom with her kids.

CBS you will get to a point where this doesn't bog you down as bad. Getting there will probably suck a bit (OK will definitely suck), but you're moving towards a much better place. For the holiday crap? Celebrate if you want to. Or don't. Do whatever you need to do for YOU.

Sending you grinches, grumpy cats, and hugs!!

DashboardMadonna posted 12/18/2019 19:44 PM

I'm sorry, crazy.

Last year, I didnt even put a tree up. This year I decorated, to keep myself busy. I was never close to my family, so I just try to make the best of it...whatever that is.

Strangely, this year I find that looking at decorations and going to public places with lights as a way to give me hope... maybe stop at the bar, while scoping the window displays.

It's kind of funny (not haha), in saying that, I find myself at peace being alone and doing those things. I found that I dont need my husband in order to feel lonely...and boy, was he good at that. I think I finally came to realize that I felt more lonely with him than I believe I would without him. I guess we can hope for better and I see this x-mas with a bit of hope..not much, but some.

crazyblindsided posted 12/20/2019 11:40 AM

Sending you grinches, grumpy cats, and hugs!!

Those are my favorites

I am feeling a lot better today. I have to keep telling myself that I didn't cause any of this to happen and when I think about where I'm at I am actually experiencing a lot of peace not having to worry why he is ignoring me or is so sullen. Why he decided to sleep in the other room and stop having sex. I felt like he always stole my happiness or I was being punished in some way. I don't have that feeling anymore and I'm going to celebrate that this season! Bring on 2020!

rebplay posted 12/21/2019 09:28 AM

Glad you’re feeling a little better. The sadness and okness ebb and flow for sure. I do find the busier I am the better. Too much free time can send the thoughts spiraling. I do love the idea of doing something for someone else. I like the idea of paying the order for the car behind me in the drive through. Randomly make someone’s day and then hopefully they pass it on. Do be kind to yourself too. You’re worth it!