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I have tried to express to my W how it felt during her affair. In other words what physical sensation would best describe my state during an affair.

I think what best describes it for me was the sensation of falling from somewhere face up. Like falling from a ladder and looking up at the sky. The hopelessness and loss of control that you experience during a fall but it just goes on and on and on. Three months of that in my case.

Anyone else have a physical sensation that they can compare it to?

I had no idea. I felt normal. I thought things were normal. That is what made the whole thing so scary afterwards, not being able to trust myself to know something was wrong.

He lives in a different state then I do. He kept insisting they were just friends. I kept looking at the phone bill...I knew he was lying but I wanted to believe him.

I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My 4.0 went to barely passing. I’m scared to review my homework. I’m sure I probably should have failed but my instructors threw me a bone. I lost 40 pounds in three months. I spent most nights sitting in the side of the bed staring at a wall and watching the clock. Until o felt it was a reasonable time to go out for a run, then walk the dogs. I would start running at 0430. between the run and the dogs I’d have 5 miles down by 7am. It was a constant pins and needles sensation I had. I understand what people mean when they say it felt they jumped out of their skin. At times it felt like my skin was on fire. Sometimes it felt like my lungs were burning.

I had no idea. I felt normal. I thought things were normal. That is what made the whole thing so scary afterwards, not being able to trust myself to know something was wrong.

THIS !! It made it so hard afterwards to trust myself and everything in my world.

It was a constant pins and needles sensation I had.

Gemini-That's the thing. It was every waking moment while it was going on (for damn near 3 months). It never quit.

I am 100% positive it has took time off my life. The toll it takes on the body is indescribable. I'm trying to convey to the WS's how it decimates the other human...Mind and body.

[This message edited by sleepylove at 3:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

At first, I didn't notice anything different. We were trying for a baby and buying a house, so I guess maybe that distracted me from what was going on? After that I just knew something was off, but figured it was the stress of added bills, parenting, etc. There were some red flags here and there, but they were spread out over years and therefore it wasn't easy to make a clear connection.

It went on for years before I found out.

There were subtle signs that something was off , but I had no idea that he was cheating on me

The odd thing is , he often told me that he could never cheat on me because he was always working . He also told me that I couldn't ever leave him because it would be such a mess financially

I remember reading somewhere that a man will always find the time if he wants to cheat , and whadya know....?

I am mad at myself for not picking up on some of the subtle clues , but I have to let that go

I was heartbroken as I sensed her pulling away. But her gaslighting made me think I was the problem, that I just needed to give her room. I literally at times felt like I was on fire - burning and numb both. When I finally went counseling thank God the counselor could see quickly what was going on and gave me indispensable advice. Had me read "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson and as I read I could see how my wife fit much of what he described....clearly my wife was having an affair. Confronting her, the OM, OM's wife with my suspicions didn't help. I had to hire a PI to get the necessary evidence and blow everything up.

It was hell. He was such a shit to me. Belittling, condescending, telling me I was the problem and that I was crazy. Then I did feel like a nut case and wondering if we were going to make it through these “though times”. Little did I know.....

My wh pulled away, distant and not giving a shit. I tried to ramp up the 20year otherwise OK relationship with date nights and long walks only to be faced with a wall. After 6 weeks I finally received the talk... Ilybinilwy. We are 5 years in... Still hurts

Right after their first sex, I knew something was wrong. I got myself into IC. I begged WH to do MC or IC. He kept telling me it "was just work stuff".

I continued in IC and worked on myself, made my peace with his distance & drinking (they were not healthy, but they were also not dealbreakers for me). The nightly drinking did become less frequent (as well as the amount). I started a new job. Life went on. Eventually it all felt normal again.

I thought things were normal. That is what made the whole thing so scary afterwards, not being able to trust myself to know something was wrong.

This is soooo true.

Sounds like it's a sh*t sandwich either way. Either the BS sensed or fully experienced a changed WS - about which they are POd to learn it was an A. Or the BS sensed nothing, which makes them no longer trust themselves and IMHO makes it even harder to trust their WS . I somehow managed to experience both

It's like having food poisoning, but for months to years straight.

Like being stabbed in the back with a sharp knife repeatedly

Like so many others I had no idea anything was going on. WH pulled away from me, refused to sleep in the same bed and sex disappeared from the menu. Obviously this upset me, but he had answers to everything - he kept snoring and didn't want to disturb me - his (genuine) health issues made it embarrassing for him to consider sex. Stupidly I believed him and actually felt sorry for him, even though I was really upset at the lack of physical intimacy -the sleeping in the same bed as well as the lack of sex. Other than that he was the same as ever. We did things together, did stuff with the family etc., so I didn't suspect anything. It's one of the hardest things - feeling you can't trust your own instincts.

I felt like I was living in someone else's reality. I couldn't shake the suspicious feeling I had. He started being short with me. Causing arguments out of nothing while pointing out all my flaws and faults during them. Not like him. Couldn't figure out what "I did".

I literally felt like my world was spinning. Very real, physical feeling of how it used to feel when I got off the merry-go-round as a kid and that unsteady feeling. Another way to describe it is that feeling you get right before you faint, or are about to faint. Like that. I don't want to ever feel like that again.

Contempt from her which led to depression. The kicker was that during the time she's screwing another guy, she tells me to go to a shrink and get on meds or else she's divorcing me. Nice. Classic case of gaslighting.

Nothing abnormal. Had no clue at all. Even looking back I can't see any red flags. WH can compartmentalize with the best of them. Lucky me.

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 11:12 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

To add to the variety of responses.

Since I had no idea, I felt loved and cared for...

I had a pretty significant business/ financial set back right in the thick of her A. Worried about a sizable financial loss and risk to our home family and livelihood. I was sick, stressed... a real low point. She was loving and comforting... at a time where it would have been easy to run she stood by me. Saying we'd figure it out and if we had to sell the house we'd sell the house. This happening when she seemed really happy and in a great place...

The business righted itself by year end and that crisis was averted. Of course that was during the 4 month period when she was breaking our vows through a PA, and setting up what would be the hardest thing we've ever dealt with with dday a year later. I did suspect something... but my mind was certainly preoccupied.

At dday it caused me to doubt her sincerity, but over time I've come to accept that her standing by me in this way (yes of course while betraying me another way) helped keep us on the R path vs. D.

"I always loved you and didn't want to ever leave you" rings hollow to most BS but here the actions at the time made me feel comforted.

Now How did I feel on dday... that's a feeling I never want to relive, never mind think about.

I believe my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. Our marriage was in a very bad place prior to the affair. He was cruel and distant, constantly making me feel that he didn't care about me or our marriage. He made no effort to make me feel special. For two years prior to the affair, I had nightmares of discovering that he was cheating on me. Every time I woke up crying and told him about my dreams, he was dismissive. Don't be silly. I will never cheat on you. My insecurities gnawed away at me and I sat him down several times over the course of those two years and spoke to him about it. I implored him to be careful and aware of the possibility of something like that happening. I told him to be wary of falling for flattery, that people will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. That people put on a mask at work, and not to trust that mask. Every time he became extremely defensive.

In the end, that's exactly what happened. The OW stroked his ego and he seized the opportunity the moment it presented itself. And she turned out to be completely psycho, not at all the bubbly, chirpy persona she affected at work. Looking back, it feels like I watched a trainwreck unfold in slow motion, completely powerless to stop it.