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How do I not blame myself? How do I handle 0 remorse from her?

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throwmeawaynow98 posted 12/22/2019 08:07 AM

I'm starting to realize that my wife hasn't apologized. She's said sorry, she's said that she couldn't believe she could do this, she did tell me once that I don't deserve her, or I deserve someone better - something along those lines. Should I ever expect an apology? Could it take her months to realize the hurt she has caused me? Is she really just this different of a person where, now that she's told me she's not in love and has someone else, I'm just roadkill? I've been feeling pretty good since last week, laughing and smiling again, but for the first week I couldn't eat or barely drink water, I didn't shower, I woke up 5+ times a night just in a state of panic, it was the worst I've felt in my entire 28 years. I barely ate Thanksgiving dinner with my family.

We are meeting with a mediator next week, but haven't talked in about 2 weeks except for minor details about mail and the bills we still pay jointly. Of course, having a "heart of gold" as someone here told me, and still caring for this human being, I'm trying to piece together why this happened, and based on some of our conversations, she feels that I've been too controlling as a husband, which I am OCD about a lot of things around the house, grocery shopping, chores, etc. There are times I may have criticized her, but never in a way where I name called her or screamed, we're talking things like "honey, why did you pay your bill late? or "babe, why would you want to buy xyz, we don't need it?". We've also admittedly struggled intimately and even small talk and basic hugs/kisses have gone out the window in 1 year of marriage. I can't explain how or why, just living together, busy with jobs, most weekends involve plans with friends/family - never just the two of us - but there has been a noticeable difference. However, while these build over time, all are fixable. But how does someone skip over a more serious talk months ago and only reveal everything after falling in love with a coworker and actively cheating on me? If she was this upset and unhappy in the summer, and if these things combined made her start to lose feelings, how do you hide that and fail at communication so badly?

What pisses me off too, related to the lack of an apology, is that after 1.5 years, she keeps going back to saying things like "maybe I never loved you, maybe I just wanted to get married" which is all just such bullshit. We planned our lives together and have been best friends since 2014. I'm ranting a little now. But she also is adamant that this was going to happen anyway regardless of the affair, she didn't want to live in a loveless marriage, but now it's not just the past few months, it's the whole marriage where she's apparently been faking it? Maybe it's her shutting down and trying to pretend this never happened, but it's gone from 2 months, to 6 months, to "I was never really in love". What a dagger to the heart of the man who has and would have always been faithful, who wanted to grow old with this person.

She also tells me that she wants to eventually get her own apartment once we're divorced and live on her own, no dating or anything, just be on her own. How does that work when you're in love with someone, you're just going to cut off the affair like that? But then why couldn't you cut it off now and try to go to counseling, even if it didn't work out? How is the woman I love this selfish and how can she say two completely different things - yearning to be on her own with no man, but currently separated from her husband and saying "I love you" and sneaking away to be with a coworker when she's told me she was at a dinner, or working late, things like that. She even told me point blank that the reason she never left her job was because she suddenly liked her other coworkers (who she would complain about) and that it's definitely not about him. She's made everything about how our marriage failed, and seems to pretend she's not having an emotional and now physical (although I do not know to what degree) affair with a man who, quite honestly, has been texting and snapchatting my wife for months (wish this was addressed earlier when it seemed to become every day) and going after a married woman. How can she just brush the affair side, is it simply that she checked out from the marriage months ago where this is just the next step for her and she's been long over me?

fareast posted 12/22/2019 08:36 AM

Sorry you are going through this. Please read in the healing library. Everything your WW is saying is common cheater speak nothing out of the ordinary. She can’5 honestly look at what she has done or what she has b3come or she would be overcome with shame. She uses this bullshit, weak rationalization to justify being a common cheater. She will not apologize because the; she would have to admit what she did was wrong. You are not to blame for her lack of morals or integrity. Thank goodness you found out early in your M before you had children how deceitful and dishonest she is. She has shown you who she really is. Believe her.

Do not accept any blame. Shut it down and walk away. Do not engage with her. Always value yourself. You deserve so much better. No contact will help you. Have her served with D papers as soon as possible. Block her on your devices. Grieve the loss of the imaginary woman who never existed. And move on. Sending you strength. Good luck.

Buster123 posted 12/22/2019 08:37 AM

Blame shifting and rewriting M history are some of the most common deflection tactics cheaters use, just ignore it and take control of the narrative by EXPOSING her with ALL family, close friends, then report POSOM with HR and file for D and have her served, all without warning, it's your only chance to stop the A, remember D takes a long time and can be stopped if she comes around, otherwise just let it run its course and get out of infidelity.

Unhinged posted 12/22/2019 08:52 AM

I'm trying to piece together why this happened,
Brother, I think most, if not all, of us go through the same shit. I spent months, if not years, trying comprehend the incomprehensible and all it did was drive me fucking bonkers.

You're never going to find a logical, sensible reason for infidelity because it doesn't exist. People cheat because they're broken people who believe some untruths about themselves, love, life, marriage, whatever. I don't know how else to explain it. I've been around SI for almost five years and have read more peoples' stories than I could possibly remember. In all that time I've yet to see one thing we all have in common, except that we married broken people.

As others have pointed out, blame-shifting is both extremely common and extremely full of shit. The decision to cheat is 100$ on the WS. It has nothing to do with you or the state of your marriage.

I know that's all hard to accept, but it's true. Nothing you did or didn't do, nothing you said or didn't say, made any difference at all.

It's not about you.

BrokenReader posted 12/22/2019 09:24 AM

First... I'm so sorry you're a member of the club. Being cheated on honestly kills a major part of you.
As for not blaming yourself.... I wish I knew... I still have the thought IF I HAD BEEN MORE... BETTER... ENOUGH he wouldn't have cheated. I have moments when I think logically. It's all him. But then it all crashes down on me again. Just know it's NOT you. No matter what your broken heart tells you.


The1stWife posted 12/22/2019 10:06 AM

No remorse. That is where you are. She has no remorse

Also i am speaking from experience here being on SI but so many cheaters were not “unhappy” in their marriage until they me the OM/OW.

I think at this point you need to institute the hard 180 to protect yourself from hearing more crap from her. She’s justifying the affair by blaming you.

Hell no!! Do not accept that. No apology? Maybe you need to run - you have given It enough time. Accelerate the end of this drama - get some peace back in your life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:37 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

ShutterHappy posted 12/22/2019 17:35 PM

The short answer is: don’t try to understand.

The long answer is... I’m not sure anybody knows for sure.

she did tell me once that I don't deserve her, or I deserve someone better - something along those lines.

I think waywards say that just to dismiss the Betrayed. It’s too much work to repair the damage, they can’t be bothered, so they say that. They also say it so that people have pity on them. Ohhhhh, look at me, I’m just an undeserving spouse, pity me! Say things like "No you’re just a great person who made a mistake".

Should I ever expect an apology? Could it take her months to realize the hurt she has caused me?

You should expect remorse. She doesn’t have remorse because she incapable of it.

My XWW was like your WW. I think that if you could measure empathy from a scale from 1 to 100, your WW would be a 10 (basically nothing there).

So your WW liked the compliments she got from some other guy, exchanged sex for ego kibbles, but she doesn’t understand why you’re so upset.

Just a guess

Buffer posted 12/22/2019 20:15 PM

I can not offer anything more than what already has been
Other than getting tested for STDs.
Shine a light onto the affair, inform HR as there could be legal ramifications for the workplace. Inform all family and friend. You don’t need to tell her or ask her permission for this.
Does the AP have a spouse or partner if so let them know what’s going on.
Strait the 180 now. No communication other than the D. Seek legal advice as if the marriage can be annulled due to her not really being a true partnership.


anoldlion posted 12/23/2019 01:21 AM

Your wife told you something that is the absolute truth. "You deserve someone better." She doesn't deserve you. Believe me when I say there is a woman out there that you deserve having in your life. Go find her. I do wish you well.

Thumos posted 12/23/2019 12:39 PM

0 remorse means you have nothing to work with. Next her.

Also are you following the repeated advice to cancel mediation and just file for D?

You have a remorseless wife who couldn’t even be faithful for one whole year.

She’s how Proverbs 30:20 exactly describes.

beenthereinco posted 12/23/2019 12:59 PM

Should I ever expect an apology?

Probably not and frankly you need to get to a spot where you don't need it. Start working on your own self-worth instead of needing this validation. Who knows. Maybe in time she will apologize, truly, for what she has done. You should work on yourself so that if that day even comes you can meet that apology with indifference. You can truly not care that she has expressed this remorse. You can say to her "That's nice but I've moved on. I hope that this realization has made you feel better but for me it does nothing."

Thumos posted 12/23/2019 13:15 PM

Trying to figure out her why’s and self flagellating yourself over all of the minor tweaks in your relationship you think could have inoculated against her adultery is called “trying to untangle the skein of her fuckupedness” - it’s a fruitless and pointless exercise when you’re dealing with a spouse who so wantonly and willingly broke her vows in such a short time. Don’t waste your time doing this. “Unmet needs” in a marriage is a myth and unmet needs are a bottomless pit. None of us get all our needs met within a faithful marriage. It is impossible. Instead each spouse is supposed to be self sacrificial of their own needs. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adulterers don’t comprehend this and likely many never will.

tushnurse posted 12/23/2019 17:50 PM

No it's not about you. She is a broken person who is incredibly selfish and is now rewriting history to make her feel.ok about her shitty behavior. So once she justifies it do not ever expect an apology.
Stop communicating. If D is the path there is no need to listen to anything she says. Stop torturing yourself by allowing her to hurt you more than she already has.

tushnurse posted 12/23/2019 17:50 PM

No it's not about you. She is a broken person who is incredibly selfish and is now rewriting history to make her feel.ok about her shitty behavior. So once she justifies it do not ever expect an apology.
Stop communicating. If D is the path there is no need to listen to anything she says. Stop torturing yourself by allowing her to hurt you more than she already has.

ann1960 posted 12/23/2019 18:02 PM

Hi they tend to re-write history to suit their cheating story. They convince themselves this is the truth, to them it justifies IF. It might even change yet again when she discovers she’s got a better story to support her cheating. Sorry 😐

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/11/2020 22:54 PM

All, long delay, but here are the latest updates.

First off, between doctor visits, antidepressants, journaling and reading ("No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life") I am doing okay. I hit the anger phase of grieving about 10 days ago and will am letting the betrayal sink in, and I do not want my wife back. She doesn't want me, so I know this is the only outcome but I'm starting to take steps in the right direction. I will be okay.

Nothing is signed, but we did go the mediation route despite some disagreements from others. As of now, I'd walk away with approximately 3x what she would in terms of finances, and I'd be satisfied with this outcome. While it would feel great to hire a lawyer and serve her at work, I'd rather deal with this and sign the papers this month and have her out of my life in 3-4 months (this is the timeframe I've been told).

In the weeks since I've posted, I've employed the 180 and have really stuck to no personal talks - any texts are about selling the house, finances, bills, etc. There is no more talking about us. I am accepting the relationship, which certainly had its bumps throughout marriage vs. dating 2-3 years ago when everything was pure bliss, is gone. My wife is unrecognizable, this is not who I married, and one of our mutual friends told me she doesn't recognize my wife either.

I've been blamed for the issues, all the BS cheating excuses have come out. AFTER the talk about her not being in love and cheating, all of a sudden I'm the one who broke her, who made her unhappy, who was controlling (maybe a bit), but she also went through the phase of rewriting our history only to send me a text on Christmas explaining how she didn't mean that, how I was a great husband, etc. Almost trying to make me feel better and not blame me, but that just messed with my head more. Ever since that text, all business, I still think about her and what she did way too much, but I'm out of "hopium" and not trying to reconcile this. She didn't want to anyway, but the betrayal and anger has kicked in and I am so happy to be getting out, starting fresh at age 28.

The same mutual friend mentioned above told me that she is 100% seeing this guy, but she was stunned to learn she cheated. Apparently she was told that my wife started to gain feelings for her coworker and then a week or two after separation started to see him. The truth is that she cheated about 3-5 times at a minimum (physical cheating, from what I know, not counting the snapchats and emotional text conversations) about 6 weeks before I learned the truth. And even then, now that I think about it, I even said something during our "I love you but I'm not in love with you talk" about another guy, so maybe she was going to be a cake eater and string this on. Awful. So she's not only lied to me, but one of her best friends, and since she is back at home with her parents, she is potentially lying to them about any times she may be out with a friend, working late, etc. I have decided not to tell them, I'm hoping they will find out in due time because A) my wife has become this awful person and her parents should try to help her and B) from what I know, they just think I was controlling and we had intimacy issues and that my wife may even be a "victim". I can't do anything about that but I'm starting to not care, this is her problematic life - not mine.

She is lying to everyone in her path, stuck in this fog, and I can't wait to get away from this. I've accepted the worst, the things she may have done during separation or even before, and I know I have lost my wife. She's lost and I can't help her, so I will only help myself from here on out. Long ways to go, but 2020 has been decent so far.

LLXC posted 1/12/2020 00:16 AM

Should I ever expect an apology? Could it take her months to realize the hurt she has caused me?

Do not expect a thing from her. Maybe she will figure it out some day. But what if she doesn't? You will heal either way.

It has been 4 years and my ex still doesnt get it. He has said sorry a loooot, but he is not sorry for what he did.

Some people are bigtime jerks.

Juzt so you kbow, your stbew mifht be telling the truth about how she viewed the marriage. You talked/planned? But prior to cheating, how did she treat you, your marriage? Did she act committed? Did she fulfill promises?

I say this because my ex and i had amazing plans. And he made me feel loved and safe and cherished. It has only been un the last few months that i have realized that i meant nothing to him. He kept bery few of his promises.

I hope you find healing.

Butterfly84 posted 1/12/2020 00:55 AM

Good for you for setting your boundaries with that awful person. I'm so glad that you realize that she has major problems that have nothing to do with you. A normal partner would have worked with you on any issues that were bothering her and not sought comfort or attention from another. There is no excuse. Continue the work you are doing for yourself to heal from this undeserved betrayal. So proud of you!

Thumos posted 1/13/2020 12:16 PM

who made her unhappy

Have you ever noticed how everyone else is responsible for a cheater being "unhaaaaapy" and never themselves? They can't even honestly look themselves in the mirror before they become adulterers, let alone afterward.

Thumos posted 1/13/2020 12:19 PM

since she is back at home with her parents, she is potentially lying to them about any times she may be out with a friend, working late, etc. I have decided not to tell them

It isn't your job to cover for her shitty decisions. One of the first things recommended on JFO commonly is to expose the affair to your in-laws. You should reconsider this. Her parents will always have her back, she's their baby. But telling them blows up her fantasy and removes her ability to shape a narrative to preserve her carefully crafted self-image.

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