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How do I not blame myself? How do I handle 0 remorse from her?

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Marz posted 1/13/2020 13:18 PM

She is lying to everyone in her path, stuck in this fog

Nope, this is a willing and conscious decision on her part. She knows exactly what she’s doing.

fatheroftwo posted 1/13/2020 13:42 PM

I am sorry you are here. I know how it feels.

LISTEN to those who have said that the affair is 100% her choice.

She is in the fog. She may always have a foggy mind. The truth is at this point the only thing you can control is yourself. Follow the 180. Get out of infidelity. It is impossible to make it to the other side with her while she is behaving this way. Also, it is not your job to wake her up. She has to want to.

She has said, "She may never have been in love with you." Maybe that's true, but it's most likely bullshit.

The truth here is that she is making destructive, irresponsible choices. She is putting herself before you. She has caused the damage here.

Focus on yourself. Move forward every day out of infidelity.

You will make it to a better place. Most likely it will be without her. I feel for you. You didn't deserve this, but as you said, you have been leading the adult responsibilities for a while. It's not OCD to want to live in a functioning household. While you may have pointed to some marital issues (communication), show me a marriage that doesn't have work that can be done to improve it and I'll show you a unicorn. Please don't blame yourself for her cheating. There is nothing you could have done.

AbandonedGuy posted 1/13/2020 14:27 PM

I also had a cheating shithead leave me for some asshole coworker 10 years her senior. I probably would've been one of those suckers who got dumped without even knowing of the affair if I hadn't caught her, on Labor Day of 2018. When she revealed her true colors, it was a mindfuck. The cheating didn't bother me nearly as much as of the big reveal that she was stringing me along, had no actual feelings for me whatsoever, and gleefully treated me like an enemy combatant the moment I caught her--when moments before, she was putting on her Oscar-worthy performance of Loving Caring Soul Mate.

Don't believe her bullshit. She's a proven liar. Don't let anything she says from here on out get inside your head. Your sense of self is already damaged. Your identity is in ruins and you're going to have to rediscover yourself over the next couple of years. Your self esteem is shot after having gone through the ultimate rejection, the one where they shitcan you and don't look back, like none of your time together even mattered. You're going to have a void in your free time that you absolutely cannot be filled with ruminations of why you sucked as a husband and what kind of life you're missing out on and all that garbage that you can barely keep from filling your head. The truth is, she wasn't the woman you thought she was and none of those future plans were going to transpire the way you wanted anyway. Thank your lucky stars she revealed her true nature this early so you have even more time to build a newer, better life for yourself.

Don't worry about what she's saying to anyone else because they're going to believe what they believe anyway. Unless it's someone you ABSOLUTELY want to keep in your life, just let her peddle her wares to everyone else and put it out of your mind. Maybe they'll see through her bullshit one day, maybe they won't. Eventually they'll be so far in your rearview mirror that their opinions won't even register. Nurture positive thoughts by assuming she's such an asshat, they'll eventually catch onto her shitty ways anyway and some kind of cosmic karma will descend upon her. Oh and this is important: don't count on karma, because in the real world, shitty people can skirt consequences like pros. Another thing you'll eventually let go of is giving a shit whether or not she pays for this in some way. You're still early enough into this to maybe feel a "love" attachment of some kind, so this is distance future stuff.

I'd highly recommend continuing to play it cool and leave the pettiness out of it. I had one of those cold shits who wanted to sweep me under the rug, silently, before her dinner got cold. If yours is similar, she'll want to just give you all the things she can live with parting with and get you the hell out of there ASAP so she can launch her Shiny New Life with Prince Fuckwad. Bringing petty shit into it will only spur her callous nature to usurp the single-minded path she's on at the moment and attempt to get even dirtier. BUT, if she does get dirty with you, protect yourself to the best of your ability. Stay out of the mud, but keep those defenses manned at all times.

Once you're through the legal stuff, then it's just the devastating emotional turmoil at your feet, and really that's something you've pretty much got to passively wait out anyway. During that period, I highly suggest investing your time wisely and distracting yourself with a variety of self-improvement actions. Work out. Learn how to do something you've wanted to do. Travel to a few places but in a real way where you soak up the environment and not some superficial way that won't leave a lasting impression on you. Try to be a better person to the ones in your life who truly matter, the ones who actually support you. You'll mindlessly go about this stuff because you'll be so wrapped up in the pain of this process. By the time your brain stops dumping shitty thoughts back into itself, you'll wake up and realize that you've accomplished 6 to 12 months of self work and you can go set and forget mode with these healthy behaviors and continue reaping the rewards.

Don't get too hung up on what was real, why did she do this, etc. etc. You'll NEVER KNOW. Such is the cross you'll bear, and it won't ever go away, although it will greatly lessen in time. Learn from this experience. Realize that while you might be able to open up to another person again some day, you've got to look out for yourself first and foremost, because nobody is going to do that for you. Get swole as hell from bearing that cross. Springboard from this shitty traumatic experience into something legitimately better for yourself. You're in a weird primordial ooze phase where everything's in pieces. We rarely find ourselves in this situation, so use it as an opportunity to rebuild in a smarter, healthier way than before. In a year, two years, you'll eventually recognize that this quitting assclown did you a favor by disappearing and not wasting any of your time. A clean break is much harder in the short term but pays dividends if you don't it derail your life.

Keep coming back, we're here to help you through this.

Dispirited posted 1/13/2020 16:52 PM

Trying to figure out her why’s and self flagellating yourself over all of the minor tweaks in your relationship you think could have inoculated against her adultery is called “trying to untangle the skein of her fuckupedness” - it’s a fruitless and pointless exercise when you’re dealing with a spouse who so wantonly and willingly broke her vows in such a short time. Don’t waste your time doing this. “Unmet needs” in a marriage is a myth and unmet needs are a bottomless pit. None of us get all our needs met within a faithful marriage. It is impossible. Instead each spouse is supposed to be self sacrificial of their own needs. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adulterers don’t comprehend this and likely many never will.

This! It's amazing to me why the above holds true.Surely, if you asked those same people when they weren't 'smitten", my guess is that they would never want the same thing done to them. So...how or why is it that "suddenly" it's ok to trash that thinking? Why? Because when people are so selfish, they have no ability to experience empathy.Again- if the roles were reversed, my bet is that they would act differently.

So many wonder why that gets lost...the inability to empathize and therefore hurt- who was at one time a partner. And that is what is so perplexing to many- the fact that suddenly a "stranger" appeared with no semblance of their former self.

I- and I'm sure many attempted to figure out the reasons.None of the reasons are logical- none of them make any sense and therefore simply make it SO much more difficult to those who were offended.They don't get what most decent people would be thinking. Logic is a concept that they will not even entertain. Meanwhile, they see the hurt and harm they caused, yet they "somehow" toss that away.

So- to the offenders...easy way out for YOU is so convenient. Only way to fully understand what you have done? is for the same thing to happen to you. Then, perhaps you might get it. Empathy...without it any relationship is just an exercise in futility.

Dispirited posted 1/13/2020 17:15 PM

Don’t waste your time doing this. “Unmet needs” in a marriage is a myth and unmet needs are a bottomless pit. None of us get all our needs met within a faithful marriage. It is impossible. Instead each spouse is supposed to be self sacrificial of their own needs. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adulterers don’t comprehend this and likely many never will.

Most unhealthy people expect others to fix their issues and to "magically" meet their needs.Those unhealthy people expect a magical resolution to their "needs". And when those unrealistic expectations finally come to the surface, they blame a failed "savior".


And then? The next step is to find (or try to) find another savior.And it goes on and on. People expecting others to fill their voids. How ridiculous and unfair that is.So they keep searching for others to fill their voids...And when they can not? Just take off and look for another "savior".Easier to look for that savior than deal with their own insecurities and dysfunction.

And as stated before, any children have to be exposed to the trauma as well. How f...g selfish can you be? Unless a marriage or partnership is miserable, that's one thing. "When" you have children in the mix, then I would propose a law that punishes people like this for their selfishness. If not, then what is the point of safeguarding families?

Thank God, I don't read the OW's/OM's side. All too often, there's no remorse or introspection. And I always say this...Eventually, people will realize what they have done.Sadly, it will be far too late after the damage they created.

keptmyword posted 1/13/2020 17:26 PM

I'm trying to piece together why this happened, and based on some of our conversations, she feels that....

Don’t bother.

Don’t futilely waste vast mental energy on trying to figure this out or figure her out.

Doing so is utterly pointless and really not your responsibility.

Why?

Because none of her behavior, her actions, and her attitude have anything to do with you or your marriage.

Based on the description of non-remorse, her contempt for you, her blame shifting, her pitiful excuses, and that you have no children together, I would strongly advise simply divorcing this person and leaving her Jerry Springer shit-show in your wake.

Many, many people here who have been through the same experience you are suffering now will tell you that attempting to reconcile or wasting emotional energy over some one like this is only going to end up in potentially many years of your life wasted.

Extract yourself from her excuse-filled life and live.

Dispirited posted 1/14/2020 01:53 AM

Don’t waste your time doing this. “Unmet needs” in a marriage is a myth and unmet needs are a bottomless pit. None of us get all our needs met within a faithful marriage. It is impossible. Instead each spouse is supposed to be self sacrificial of their own needs. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adulterers don’t comprehend this and likely many never will.

Inasmuch as many don't want (for whatever reasons) to realize reality, the above is sound and realistic thinking. Again- to expect a person to fill your needs is dysfunctional...unrealistic...and quite frankly, selfish.

People don't need the onus of fixing others.Heal thyself before you venture out and drag others into your selfish world.

HalfTime2017 posted 1/14/2020 14:30 PM

My EXWW said the same nonsense when confronted. Trust is, its all a lie to protect themselves. They all do this. Its self preservation. I love you nonsense, but non in love with you. Well, they were in love at one point trying to get you to marry them weren't they? Pressuring your to get married. Now, that they think they found their true Unicorn love, all of a sudden, they're not sure? All nonsense.

I'll tell you what you have, b/c the story is similar to mine, and my exWW. She is weak, she has self esteem issues, and is probably a Narc. She was weak, and when she got some attention, it got her flowing. It could have been drugs or anything else, but in this case it was her AP. She's probably a decent person, but she's weak and has poor boundaries. She would have been a shitty mother as well.

Blow her up, if anyone ask, tell them the truth. Don't hide her dirty laundry for her. Be glad you're out and you're 28. No kids, and good income, you'll be back on your feet in a couple of yrs with something better. I promise.

Your WW on the otherhand, she'll come to at some point. SHe may never admit to you how wrong she was, b/c shes weak. Remember that. She'll wake up one day and realize what she screwed up, but she'll be too weak and maybe too proud to admit it. She might say sorry, but who cares. You'll have someone better by that time. You would have learned a valuabe lesson in life, but b/c you've been doing things the right way, you'll be able to move on with your head held high. People will respect you, and people will be happy for you when you move on and find someone new. On the flip, look at her life. She'll always be known as a cheater. If she stays with this AP, which is highly doubtful, theyll always be questioning their fidelity for each other. Whens that next shoe to drop? Is that a life you want to live?

You're doing the right things. People on her will give it to you straight and help you get out of infidelity. Forget the fog or anything else. Let her enjoy her new life, you've got yours to work on now. WHen enough time passes, you'll look back and see how you life has improved. Your WW will be stuck, and her journey when she wakes up will be a long treacherous road. She has a bunch of internal demons, while you just have this one issue.

The1stWife posted 1/14/2020 21:24 PM

Don’t make someone a priority in your Life who doesn’t make you a priority in their life.

And remember the best revenge is a life well lived.

Slanted posted 1/17/2020 08:37 AM

“Unmet needs” in a marriage is a myth and unmet needs are a bottomless pit. None of us get all our needs met within a faithful marriage. It is impossible. Instead each spouse is supposed to be self sacrificial of their own needs. That’s how it is supposed to work. Adulterers don’t comprehend this and likely many never will.
Most unhealthy people expect others to fix their issues and to "magically" meet their needs.

That's powerful. Thank you. My WW has not only said things like this, but has said directly that it caused her to have affairs. I could not quite put a finger on why it felt so off, but this is it.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/21/2020 19:33 PM

HalfTime2017

Really appreciate your message, I know she is taking all the pages out of the Cheating 101 handbook. I also recognize that she was far less mature than I thought, and even without cheating, she was willing to just walk away after 16 months... walk away on a lifetime commitment. She was not ready for marriage and I wish I saw this sooner, but betraying me on top, it hurts so much.

A handful of mutual friends know the truth, but one in particular was told by me that she cheated whereas my wife just said she was unhappy and not in love and that after separation she and the coworker started to become involved and exchange "I love yous". So lying to multiple people.

I am aiming to have the divorce mediation paperwork figured out this week, I'd make out pretty well so I want to keep this going and at some point in the future I will tell other friends the truth and I will make sure her parents know the truth. She is living with them and they just think we had some incompatibilities and my wife questioned her feelings and wanted to give up. Even if was the truth, I don't think they 100% support her decision to divorce, but of course they're going to love her no matter what. But I can't heal post divorce if they don't know the truth. All her mom knows is that my wife mentioned feelings for a coworker at one point (the day after D-Day when she realized what she'd be losing and looked willing to reconcile and change jobs), I'm hoping when I reveal all she remembers that initial conversation and puts two and two together. But I'm waiting until the end at this point. I'm doing pretty well with medication and have had a couple of IC sessions.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/21/2020 19:34 PM

The1stWife

Don’t make someone a priority in your Life who doesn’t make you a priority in their life.
And remember the best revenge is a life well lived.

Yes! I'm already getting excited for a pretty good turnout with mediation, my own apartment, getting serious about the gym, money in the bank, etc.

The1stWife posted 1/22/2020 07:04 AM

Glad to hear it.

From the Lizzo song: (S)he don’t love you anymore, so walk your fine ass out the door.

cainsite posted 1/22/2020 08:51 AM

I'm the one who broke her, who made her unhappy, who was controlling (maybe a bit),

Stop taking responsibility for this. Your responsible for 50% of the problems in the marriage. She is responsible for 100% of the affair. If she had any problems with your dynamic their are a thousand different ways she could have dealt with it that don't include cheating.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you talk"

She does not know what love is, she does not know what it looks like. If you gave it to her she would not even be able to identify it.

I don't know what your wife's background is, but most Waywards are so fucked up they can't even accept real love much less know how to give it to another person.

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 08:10 AM

My H had a friend who married at 22. Real psycho crazy wife.

Long story short she cheated and they D. Right before signing the final divorce decree she decided she wanted him back. She showed up at his job (if I remember the events correctly) and made her plea for reconciliation.

He just looked at her and said “sorry no”.

Years later she was dating a real psychopath who beat her up and she ended up in the hospital. She was desperate for $ b/c the psycho boyfriend stole her credit cards and ran up debts and stole her car etc. - he was a bad dude! She went running back to the XH to bail her out. The XH had a five year payout to her on their home. He accelerated the payments and paid her off.

Stupid XW thought they were still “friends”. Her former MIL passed away and she went to the wake - 20+ years later!! Still using her former married name. Delusional!

I’m just giving a warning that the STBXW may suddenly reappear in your life if her life ends up in the crapper. Just be aware of how manipulative people can be. You just never know.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:14 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

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