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Kind Thoughts if Possible Please

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 NorthernMSB (original poster member #69725) posted at 9:31 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Last year at this time I was still happily going about my life. I had a husband who was an ass but he was mine and I thought for the most part we loved each other. I had long term plans including buying a little land to just walk on and camp and spend time together.

Last year right now I was going to get Chinese food and the champagne was chilling. My husband stayed home when I drove to get the food with my son because he wanted to get the snow off the roof. Now I know through phone records he called OW #2 before I even left the driveway and texted and talked until I drove back in.

In exactly 5 hours from now last year I would be blindsided by pain and grief and the complete annihilation of my world.

This year has been the hardest of my life. My dad gave me a book when I was 10 years old called the Prophet and one phrase stands out "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." My being has been carved so deeply I am just a husk of the woman I used to be but joy has not filled that space. After a year, I am empty.

I will be counting down the time now whether I want to or not. Thanks to the graphic sexting message I have the exact time my whole self shattered. If you have a moment tonight and are feeling generous, send me a little kind thought as the worst moment in my life gets closer and passes.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.

Me: BW-54
Him-WH-58

Too many Ddays now to count, all with the same LTAP ex-girlfriend (or I guess current) except the brief fling November 2018-Christmas Eve 2018 with another ex-girlfriend

I'm tired

posts: 496   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2019
id 8487147
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 9:36 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Praying for moments of peace for you.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8487148
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IHatePickingName ( member #70740) posted at 9:51 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

I am facing my first Christmas since dday too. I will be thinking of you and all the other BS here and elsewhere, trying to make the best of our shattered lives. We are in this together, in a way no one who hasnt been here can never be. Worst club ever, but a community nonetheless. May this year be better than last, even if only by degrees and in moments.

BW/WW Me
WH/BH DoingThingsWrong
DDay March 2019
Reconciling

posts: 239   ·   registered: Jun. 9th, 2019
id 8487151
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 9:52 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Praying for you too.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5583   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8487152
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PolkadotTulip ( member #50925) posted at 9:53 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

(((North)))

Sending you the kindest thoughts and prayers for your peace of mind and heart as the hours to by tonight.

Not trying to bring up religion, but whether or not you have attended Christmas services in the past, perhaps you might want to tonight, just for the Choir and candles, and to get out of your home and your head. Maybe a hit movie afterwards, too.

Please take extra good care of yourself.

DH: 59 Me: 50
'90-94. Orig Wedding set 2-14-95. DDay 11-19-94. WF drunk encounter in a "VIP Room". 48 hrs later I left him & refused further contact.
'95-'07 Married to late DH
'09 Met again & R'd
2-14-10 Married

posts: 52   ·   registered: Dec. 23rd, 2015
id 8487153
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 10:02 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Thoughts and prayers for you. You have been heard.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3993   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8487157
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Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 10:09 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Sending the kindest of thoughts and prayers Dear Lady (((HUGS))).

Now...change that mindset young lady!!! It isn't the worst moment of your life anymore...that happened last year. THIS year...at that precise moment...it means YOU have survived infidelity every day of the year!!! It is a cause for celebration!!! What should have destroyed you...LOST!!!YOU WON!!!

It takes time to recover...and if you don't feel very victorious right now...that is alright too. But just KNOW that one day you will look back on this day and realize what an awesomely STRONG person you are!!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 6673   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8487165
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Atg100 ( member #66119) posted at 10:39 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

Have a Merry Christmas and make it all about you.

Your ex was clearly not worthy of you.

And I paraphrase an Adam Sandler movie :

“ you were married to the wrong guy, so the worst part is already over “

Lots of strength today!

posts: 949   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2018
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cptprkchp ( member #11719) posted at 11:01 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

I am sending prayers, hugs, healing vibes, and hopes that you get a true Christmas miracle. You have been heard and you are loved and cherished! I wish for many blessings for you and those you love.

posts: 349   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2006
id 8487186
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Marie2792 ( member #44958) posted at 11:03 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

I hope that you find a moment of joy, even it’s for your sons wide eyes opening that special gift. Be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.

Me: BS,48 (41 at dday)Him: WS, 56 (49 at dday)Married 27 years, together 30 Dday : 9/9/14 3 week PA

posts: 4857   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 8487187
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Dignity72 ( new member #72382) posted at 11:10 PM on Tuesday, December 24th, 2019

You obviously have a basic instinct for self-care if you planned to buy a piece of land just to enjoy being outside and moving about...what a beautiful idea to celebrate the joys of life. I know, I know, you had HIM in mind next to you in that tent - and with that empty space, the whole idea, in fact maybe most ideas you had about consciously creating your future, seem pointless.

Surprise though: they are not. The joy that seems so unimagineable right now, is out there waiting to fill you again. You will have to invite it in though. Sit down in the next days and compile a list of all the things YOU could do NOW, for and by yourself (and your son) to make you feel better. Your mind has to regain an understanding of your autonomy; right now your emotional state is solely determined by the warped decision making of your ex.

It feels like you could never trust again. But you can trust in yourself; this, noone can take away. Begin to have dates with your joyful self, beginning with tomorrow. Tab into that part of you that wanted to own that land. Meet her like a friend and a companion. Let her take you out; have coffee with her, let her take you on walks, to the gym, or just talk to each other, even if it feels weird.

We all have that whole, intact, self-contained inner self, we just let it be overshadowed by our pain. Accessing it is continuous practice, every day, if only briefly.

You were given a son and the opportunity to grow. Make this betrayal an awakening, claim it as a step stone to a better informed, stronger, self-appreciating you.

Hang in there!

I was there, but climbed out.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Dec. 23rd, 2019
id 8487189
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numb2018 ( member #62366) posted at 12:17 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Hi Northern, I found out two years ago Christmas Day, so it is on my mind, too, though not as much as it was last year. It gets easier, but DDay is a big enough event without it being associated with a major holiday. Do something nice for yourself and your son and get some rest.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Southwest
id 8487204
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fournlau ( member #71803) posted at 3:51 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Sending you well wishes and positive vibes! This is the second year for me since Dday to go through the Holidays. I find myself getting angry when I'm out and about. WH even told me today that I should remember it's Christmas, and should be full of joy. I told him that flew out the window long ago, although I didn't add that it was 1 year and 2 months ago, which is when I found out. This time of year is hard, well, all year long it's hard. And we have to live through it.

I can say be positive and do something for yourself, but I know how difficult it is to get out of your own head. Just know you are not alone and we know exactly how you feel!

posts: 454   ·   registered: Oct. 10th, 2019
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Dragonfly123 ( member #62802) posted at 8:36 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Sending hugs Northern. I know how lonely Christmas can be when you’re on your own, especially when dealing with the fall out of the memories from last Christmas.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. You have been heard!

When you can’t control what’s happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening. That’s where the power is.

posts: 1636   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2018
id 8487268
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wifehad5 ( Administrator #15162) posted at 11:45 AM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

(((NorthernMSB)))

FBH - 52 FWW - 53 (BrokenRoad)2 kids 17 & 22The people you do your life with shape the life you live

posts: 55954   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2007   ·   location: Michigan
id 8487275
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:33 PM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

Remember the SI recovery timeline: 2-5 years. I know life looks bleak now. That's an inevitable part of the healing process, IMO. It's always darkest before the dawn. The shortest day of the year was a week ago, but we're presumably still waiting for our coldest days of the 2019-'20 winter (or hottest for Southerners).

You know, I have vague memories of how awful you felt when you joined SI. IIRC, you've come farther, faster than I thought you would. My own experience was that there was a delay between progressing and feeling the progress I made. Your experience may be similar.

In all likelihood, you'll start to feel better soon - not soon enough, but soon as lives are measured. Your life will get better. You will see that being a husk of a woman now really will allow you take in joy in the future.

(((NorhternMSB)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:36 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31151   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8487338
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traicionada ( member #10310) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

(((NorthernMSB)))

Sending you lots kind and peaceful thoughts and couple of healing prayers just because everyone can use a little extra

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4020   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 8487340
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 7:04 PM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

(((NMSB)))

May you find some joy and happiness during the holiday season.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20381   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8487360
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burninghouse ( member #63308) posted at 7:32 PM on Wednesday, December 25th, 2019

(((NorthernMSB)))

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

I love this. Please hang onto this. It will take awhile to heal this deep wound but it does get better.

Look to find the silver linings each day. They are there. This helped me a great deal. Find things each day you are thankful for and that feeling will grow little by little. Silver linings come in the most unexpected places, too, but they are there.

Sending you love, kindness and gentle healing vibes. May you find peace and joy today and always.

Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

BW (me)
WH (him)
D-day 3/2018
Divorcing

Reminding myself often, "The last of the human freedoms: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Viktor Frankl

posts: 457   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2018
id 8487367
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