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NorthernMSB posted 12/24/2019 15:31 PM

Last year at this time I was still happily going about my life. I had a husband who was an ass but he was mine and I thought for the most part we loved each other. I had long term plans including buying a little land to just walk on and camp and spend time together.

Last year right now I was going to get Chinese food and the champagne was chilling. My husband stayed home when I drove to get the food with my son because he wanted to get the snow off the roof. Now I know through phone records he called OW #2 before I even left the driveway and texted and talked until I drove back in.

In exactly 5 hours from now last year I would be blindsided by pain and grief and the complete annihilation of my world.

This year has been the hardest of my life. My dad gave me a book when I was 10 years old called the Prophet and one phrase stands out "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." My being has been carved so deeply I am just a husk of the woman I used to be but joy has not filled that space. After a year, I am empty.

I will be counting down the time now whether I want to or not. Thanks to the graphic sexting message I have the exact time my whole self shattered. If you have a moment tonight and are feeling generous, send me a little kind thought as the worst moment in my life gets closer and passes.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone.

northeasternarea posted 12/24/2019 15:36 PM

Praying for moments of peace for you.

IHatePickingName posted 12/24/2019 15:51 PM

I am facing my first Christmas since dday too. I will be thinking of you and all the other BS here and elsewhere, trying to make the best of our shattered lives. We are in this together, in a way no one who hasnt been here can never be. Worst club ever, but a community nonetheless. May this year be better than last, even if only by degrees and in moments.

Dorothy123 posted 12/24/2019 15:52 PM

Praying for you too.

PolkadotTulip posted 12/24/2019 15:53 PM

(((North)))

Sending you the kindest thoughts and prayers for your peace of mind and heart as the hours to by tonight.

Not trying to bring up religion, but whether or not you have attended Christmas services in the past, perhaps you might want to tonight, just for the Choir and candles, and to get out of your home and your head. Maybe a hit movie afterwards, too.

Please take extra good care of yourself.

fareast posted 12/24/2019 16:02 PM

Thoughts and prayers for you. You have been heard.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/24/2019 16:09 PM

Sending the kindest of thoughts and prayers Dear Lady (((HUGS))).

Now...change that mindset young lady!!! It isn't the worst moment of your life anymore...that happened last year. THIS year...at that precise moment...it means YOU have survived infidelity every day of the year!!! It is a cause for celebration!!! What should have destroyed you...LOST!!!YOU WON!!!

It takes time to recover...and if you don't feel very victorious right now...that is alright too. But just KNOW that one day you will look back on this day and realize what an awesomely STRONG person you are!!!

Atg100 posted 12/24/2019 16:39 PM

Have a Merry Christmas and make it all about you.
Your ex was clearly not worthy of you.
And I paraphrase an Adam Sandler movie :
“ you were married to the wrong guy, so the worst part is already over “
Lots of strength today!

cptprkchp posted 12/24/2019 17:01 PM

I am sending prayers, hugs, healing vibes, and hopes that you get a true Christmas miracle. You have been heard and you are loved and cherished! I wish for many blessings for you and those you love.

Marie2792 posted 12/24/2019 17:03 PM

I hope that you find a moment of joy, even it’s for your sons wide eyes opening that special gift. Be kind to yourself. Sending you hugs and positive vibes.

Dignity72 posted 12/24/2019 17:10 PM

You obviously have a basic instinct for self-care if you planned to buy a piece of land just to enjoy being outside and moving about...what a beautiful idea to celebrate the joys of life. I know, I know, you had HIM in mind next to you in that tent - and with that empty space, the whole idea, in fact maybe most ideas you had about consciously creating your future, seem pointless.

Surprise though: they are not. The joy that seems so unimagineable right now, is out there waiting to fill you again. You will have to invite it in though. Sit down in the next days and compile a list of all the things YOU could do NOW, for and by yourself (and your son) to make you feel better. Your mind has to regain an understanding of your autonomy; right now your emotional state is solely determined by the warped decision making of your ex.

It feels like you could never trust again. But you can trust in yourself; this, noone can take away. Begin to have dates with your joyful self, beginning with tomorrow. Tab into that part of you that wanted to own that land. Meet her like a friend and a companion. Let her take you out; have coffee with her, let her take you on walks, to the gym, or just talk to each other, even if it feels weird.

We all have that whole, intact, self-contained inner self, we just let it be overshadowed by our pain. Accessing it is continuous practice, every day, if only briefly.

You were given a son and the opportunity to grow. Make this betrayal an awakening, claim it as a step stone to a better informed, stronger, self-appreciating you.

Hang in there!
I was there, but climbed out.

numb2018 posted 12/24/2019 18:17 PM

Hi Northern, I found out two years ago Christmas Day, so it is on my mind, too, though not as much as it was last year. It gets easier, but DDay is a big enough event without it being associated with a major holiday. Do something nice for yourself and your son and get some rest.

fournlau posted 12/24/2019 21:51 PM

Sending you well wishes and positive vibes! This is the second year for me since Dday to go through the Holidays. I find myself getting angry when I'm out and about. WH even told me today that I should remember it's Christmas, and should be full of joy. I told him that flew out the window long ago, although I didn't add that it was 1 year and 2 months ago, which is when I found out. This time of year is hard, well, all year long it's hard. And we have to live through it.

I can say be positive and do something for yourself, but I know how difficult it is to get out of your own head. Just know you are not alone and we know exactly how you feel!

Dragonfly123 posted 12/25/2019 02:36 AM

Sending hugs Northern. I know how lonely Christmas can be when you’re on your own, especially when dealing with the fall out of the memories from last Christmas.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. You have been heard!

wifehad5 posted 12/25/2019 05:45 AM

(((NorthernMSB)))

sisoon posted 12/25/2019 11:33 AM

Remember the SI recovery timeline: 2-5 years. I know life looks bleak now. That's an inevitable part of the healing process, IMO. It's always darkest before the dawn. The shortest day of the year was a week ago, but we're presumably still waiting for our coldest days of the 2019-'20 winter (or hottest for Southerners).

You know, I have vague memories of how awful you felt when you joined SI. IIRC, you've come farther, faster than I thought you would. My own experience was that there was a delay between progressing and feeling the progress I made. Your experience may be similar.

In all likelihood, you'll start to feel better soon - not soon enough, but soon as lives are measured. Your life will get better. You will see that being a husk of a woman now really will allow you take in joy in the future.

(((NorhternMSB)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:36 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

traicionada posted 12/25/2019 11:47 AM

(((NorthernMSB)))
Sending you lots kind and peaceful thoughts and couple of healing prayers just because everyone can use a little extra

tushnurse posted 12/25/2019 13:04 PM

(((NMSB)))
May you find some joy and happiness during the holiday season.

burninghouse posted 12/25/2019 13:32 PM

(((NorthernMSB)))

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

I love this. Please hang onto this. It will take awhile to heal this deep wound but it does get better.

Look to find the silver linings each day. They are there. This helped me a great deal. Find things each day you are thankful for and that feeling will grow little by little. Silver linings come in the most unexpected places, too, but they are there.

Sending you love, kindness and gentle healing vibes. May you find peace and joy today and always.

Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.