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Need to know if I am overreacting

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NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 13:40 PM

So WH got a Merry Christmas text with a Gif etc from a number and I happened to see it first. His phone is never locked and I always have full access to it. He was like ďI donít know who it isĒ and then I saw he wrote back a nice message and whomever it is sent back ď😊Ē. And I said why did you answer if you donít know who it is? He didnít know why he answered apparently, he just did. Then I said why donít you ask who it is and he said because he didnít care and then erased it. And got pissy.

So, what do you think of that?? I want to know who sent the message. Am I overreacting? So when I asked him again to ask he told me I was overreacting as per usual and he was going to go into work early. Really????

Fuck I am sick of feeling this low grade panic 24 hours a day. I cant imagine what it is doing to my body to be firing adrenaline and cortisol all day long.

So am I overreacting?

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 1:41 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

layla1234 posted 12/26/2019 13:45 PM

I guess you just have to write a mental note to check the phone statement when it comes out and you'll have the number and go from there. I would also be suspicious. A known cheater shouldn't be responding to numbers they don't know. What if it was the AP? He inadvertently broke NC?

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/26/2019 13:46 PM

I would lose my shit if this happened. Find the number on the phone statement and text it from his phone.

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 13:53 PM

It doesn't show up like that on our statements so I cant check. It isn't the AP unless the number has been changed.

I have a text message ready to send to the number basically saying they sent a text to him and he didn't know who it is, who is it?
I don't know whether to send it or not.

And even if it is totally innocent I am blown away that he STILL will not do even such a small thing to help me feel better. Even a simple text is beyond him. for my mental and emotional wellbeing. AND it is two days after Dday for me. And he knows I got a nifty "memories" thing on my iPhone on Christmas Eve at 9:21 pm. It was the screenshot photo of the APs naked tits with "remember this?" captioned. Gotta love iPhones. I sent it to my sister in real time last year as this was going down so she got the same notifications and texted me NOT to look at my notifications. Too late. Anyway, he knows I am a mess right now and NOTHING.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 1:54 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/26/2019 14:15 PM

I think you know you are not overreacting. I think you know that your WH knew who sent it. I think you know that he did not want you to know who sent it. I think you know his reaction showed all of that. I think you also know that if it was important enough to him to respond to a message like that which clearly was an issue for you precisely because of the secret and unexplained nature of it, and did it anyway, that responding to that message was more important to him than your feelings.

I say I think you know this because to me at least, it's as clear as day. Is this the AP? Who knows - who cares. Why bother with the phone records? If it's like the AP in my world it's a burner app anyway and having the number will tell you nothing.

The question for you is not if you are overreacting - it's KNOWING all of these things, what are you going to do about it?

I also know that it SUCKS to have to do anything because you want for someone to behave in ways they are not willing to do. You, quite plainly, as painful as it IS, are not important enough to your WS to do what you need. To me I would say, at this stage in my life, I'm done with that crap. My WH would not change - he chooses a life of anger and defensiveness and lying - and I choose not to partake.

I'm sorry you're here, but who the message is from is irrelevant at this stage - his reaction says it all.

landclark posted 12/26/2019 14:23 PM

I donít think youíre overreacting at all. If he truly didnít know who it was, there would be zero reason to respond back.

OwningItNow posted 12/26/2019 14:24 PM

Fuck I am sick of feeling this low grade panic 24 hours a day. I cant imagine what it is doing to my body to be firing adrenaline and cortisol all day long.

Time to save yourself and live in a way that does not cause you this stress--alone and away from him.

Eta: his plan is to do what he wants and gaslight you if you ask questions. You cannot stop him from living this way. He clearly likes it or he wouldn't do it. He obviously does not care about your stress or he'd stop. Do you care about you?

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 2:26 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 14:29 PM

So he just stormed out. Yelling I was fucking ridiculous and I had no right to throw this shit on him whenever I was having a bad day.

Let's be clear, I wasn't having a bad day. we went shopping, did some errands, talked normally etc so on and nothing was wrong until I asked about the number. And that is when he said he erased it. And all this started. I made him his lunch which he threw out on the way out the door. Yelling thanks a lot for ruining his day and making him feel like shit and that I would look like a fucking idiot if I texted the number to see who it was.


Strangely enough I actually don't think he is cheating anymore. But I don't know 100% for sure. And that little margin is where the panic and pain live.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 2:30 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Dragonfly123 posted 12/26/2019 14:30 PM

Entirely agreeing with TISL. His reaction to your pain sucks.

This time of year is so hard for you, he knows this and still chooses to do something thatís obviously going to send you into a panic. Thatís just cruel.

Youíre not overreacting.

Iím so sorry youíre hurting.

tushnurse posted 12/26/2019 14:30 PM


Not overreacting. He is remorseless, and it is killing you. Sucking your soul, and causing you to feel weak, confused and lost.

You can change this situation. You will know when to say enough.

IHatePickingName posted 12/26/2019 14:36 PM

Not overreacting. Wow.

IHatePickingName posted 12/26/2019 14:37 PM

Not overreacting. Wow. He cheats on you for twenty years and then gets upset you dont trust him? He is delusional.

3greatkids posted 12/26/2019 14:44 PM

You are under reacting. Heís not being safe for you. You deserve so much better.

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 14:49 PM

My sister called the number...I think it is a woman who is the sister of his friend. known her for years. I didn't like the relationship after finding everything out because they were flirty. So it was probably innocent but fuck him.

At this point it is his reaction that I am furious about and I am blown away that he STILL does not get it.


HellFire posted 12/26/2019 14:54 PM

Gently, he gets it. It's you who isn't getting it.

He doesn't care.

He wants you to shut up.

Notice,he didn't care if you are having a bad day, or a trigger, or dealing with this trauma he's caused. He just doesn't want you to fling it at him.

He has no remorse. He's being abusive.

This is who he is. I'm sure he love bombs you, and makes you think hes remorseful occasionally.

It's how they respond when something like this happens, that tells you if they're changing, if they're remorseful.

And he's not.

And his response to that text is highly suspicious. His response is a red flag.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:55 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

IHatePickingName posted 12/26/2019 14:55 PM

So you found out the number that he is hiding his text contact with belongs to a woman he has been flirty with in the past, and your conclusion is it is probably innocent?

layla1234 posted 12/26/2019 15:01 PM

It's totally not innocent and he knows this women's number by heart to not have to program it in his phone. Bad sign.

Dragonfly123 posted 12/26/2019 15:06 PM

He doesnít WANT to Ďget ití.

He really couldnít care less about your anxiety and pain around this. Heís selfish, entitled, unremorseful and unsafe.

Feels very red flaggy as well.

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 15:08 PM

The number was not in his contacts. I sent a screen shot of the Merry Christmas message to myself so I had the number. He probably did not know who the number is because he actually never knows shit like that. He doesn't even know my number or my kids or his own. but he wouldn't even text to find out who it was when I was panicking. THAT is what I am mad about now. AND that he is going on the night shift and will not answer me now and tomorrow morning will storm in at 4:00 am and sleep and then be home for 5 days acting like I am a bitch and it will not be mentioned again. Fucking infuriating.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 3:09 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 12/26/2019 15:25 PM

then be home for 5 days acting like I am a bitch and it will not be mentioned again

This only happens if you let it happen.

If he continues heís to disrespect you the start making a new plan. Like he sleeps on the couch. Or moves out. Or canít come home until he apologizes to you and agrees to counseling.

Do not allow this to continue if you really dislike his attitude and his expectations of you continuing to allow him to rug sweep.

Have a calm rational discussion. Tell him what you need and what you expect. If he says he wonít do it - you have two choices.


Accept his lack of remorse and do not expect future action from him.

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