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Need to know if I am overreacting

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Notmine posted 12/26/2019 15:30 PM

He is showing you who he is......if he is that uncaring of your pain and of your feelings in general, then why are you staying? YOU are clearly not the bitch. If he is an asshole, stop making his lunch. He threw it away, so now he can make his own meals. There need to be clear consequences to his actions or you will live this way forever. My thought? He is not worthy of a marriage to you.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/26/2019 15:36 PM

This. All of this (as much as I'm sorry to have to repeat it):

Gently, he gets it. It's you who isn't getting it.

He doesn't care.

He wants you to shut up.

Notice,he didn't care if you are having a bad day, or a trigger, or dealing with this trauma he's caused. He just doesn't want you to fling it at him.

He has no remorse. He's being abusive.

This is who he is. I'm sure he love bombs you, and makes you think hes remorseful occasionally.

It's how they respond when something like this happens, that tells you if they're changing, if they're remorseful.

And he's not.

In bold are the most important things - the things I've had to learn for myself. When push comes to shove, my WH would usually react the same way - and he didn't get it and doesn't want to. Neither does your WS.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 12/26/2019 15:46 PM

And as a total aside to my last post - so a bit of a threadjack...

It SUCKS TO KNOW YOU ARE STUCK WITH THE REMORSELESS FUCKTARD. It sucks to be jealous of other people on this site who have WS who seem to have a conscience, and be willing to actually work on themselves for more than a few minutes or hours or even weeks. It sucks to KNOW that your WS is not going to magically change, that no amount of crying or ddays or threats of divorce will likely do anything. It sucks to know that your WS does not lean into to you and want to comfort you when something like this happens. IT FUCKING SUCKS.

It is horrible to feel like on a website filled with behavioral horror shows and awful story after story, that somehow, by some shitty roll of the dice or luck of the draw, that your WS is on the lower half of the fucked-up behavioral spectrum even when compared to a bunch of people with fucked up behaviors. It's like winning the biggest asshole contest or something and you feel like crap.

I'm sorry if you can relate...

end t/j

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 8:31 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 16:07 PM

ThisIsSoLonely

Everything you just said. I relate.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/26/2019 17:15 PM

what do you think of that?


I'm thinking, why do you care? I thought you were done with him. I thought you were only staying for financial reasons. You are doing this to yourself at this point.

You know how he is. You know he won't change. You know he doesn't care. Why do you keep expecting him to be different?

If you want any peace, if you want to stop harming your own body and mind, you need to detach from him. Why can't you do that?

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 17:45 PM

I am not done with him. There is a very good chance I will never be done with him.

I am here for financial reasons and because despite the fact he betrayed me so horribly and he has been singularly unconcerned about how it has affected me, I love him. If I had financial freedom I would have asked him to leave in the hopes it would have woken him the fuck up, but my longterm plan was never to not be with him. I cannot imagine it.

I have a life with him. It is intertwined through money and our kids and memories and bad times and good times and everything that happens in 22 years of marriage.

I am bitter and fucking furious that he was so stupid and weak and careless with my life and the lives of my kids. I have certainly contributed to why he felt like he needed an ego boost. I can be a great deal to live with, as can anyone, and no. I am not giving him a pass on his choice to cheat, he had other options and it was not my fault he cheated. It was certainly my fault that I made him feel small and that I didn't give a fuck at times what he needed from me. I was busy, with a capital B. Doing important shit and he was not even on my list of considerations.

So. I am not finished with him. I am just in the position that I WANT him to get it, to change, to give a fuck. But honestly, he has never ever been that guy in his whole life. I cannot expect it now.

So. I waver. Like most here do. Things are okay and even good and then something reminds you and fuck, you feel all that rage and hurt again. I bluster about leaving and not loving him, and some days I detach and other days I can't wait to see him. And other days I cry for no reason and other days it is good. I don't want to live like this for sure. I want better for myself and for him.

So. No I am not finished with him. And I do care that I lose my shit because a random number comes up on his phone. Jesus. I don't want to be that person. But I am right now and I just wanted someone to tell me it was okay for me to be crazed.

I'm sure I will either get 2x4s about being so weak or you all will dismiss me as a lost case. Well. maybe I am. I was just hurting and wondered if I was crazy for caring about a stupid phone number.

ShatteredSakura posted 12/26/2019 17:47 PM

So WH got a Merry Christmas text with a Gif etc from a number and I happened to see it first. His phone is never locked and I always have full access to it. He was like ďI donít know who it isĒ and then I saw he wrote back a nice message and whomever it is sent back ď😊Ē. And I said why did you answer if you donít know who it is? He didnít know why he answered apparently, he just did. Then I said why donít you ask who it is and he said because he didnít care and then erased it. And got pissy.

*cough* BULLSHIT *cough*

And, ThisIsSoLonely, I relate to what you said. I do sometimes find myself envying the wandering spouses/partners that I read on here that actually are working on things and did end their infidelity.


He doesn't care.

He wants you to shut up.

Notice,he didn't care if you are having a bad day, or a trigger, or dealing with this trauma he's caused. He just doesn't want you to fling it at him.

He has no remorse. He's being abusive.

One of the last times I was out walking with my WW I got triggered because I remembered it was the place we were at for Valentine's day (took her out), I didn't know at the time she was actively sleeping with the AP and it was one of those things that you realize your memory of an event had missing information. It soured my mood to say the least.

She didn't want to hear it, she didn't want to comfort me, she just wanted me to shut up and stop ruining her time outside with me.

Assholes, all of them.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 5:47 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

IHatePickingName posted 12/26/2019 17:50 PM

Of course you want better. You deserve better. We all do, and we are all here with you because we didnt get it. Im sorry.

IHatePickingName posted 12/26/2019 17:58 PM

Of course you want better. You deserve better. We all do, and we are all here with you because we didnt get it. Im sorry.

And TISL, i am sorry you won the asshole lottery too. I think the genuinely remorseful spouses are few and far between. The longer i spend here, the more i think we would all be better off running on dday. Joking/not joking.

OwningItNow posted 12/26/2019 18:59 PM

I am here for financial reasons and because despite the fact he betrayed me so horribly and he has been singularly unconcerned about how it has affected me, I love him. If I had financial freedom I would have asked him to leave in the hopes it would have woken him the fuck up, but my longterm plan was never to not be with him. I cannot imagine it.

I have a life with him. It is intertwined through money and our kids and memories and bad times and good times and everything that happens in 22 years of marriage.

I am bitter and fucking furious that he was so stupid and weak and careless with my life and the lives of my kids. I have certainly contributed to why he felt like he needed an ego boost. I can be a great deal to live with, as can anyone, and no. I am not giving him a pass on his choice to cheat, he had other options and it was not my fault he cheated. It was certainly my fault that I made him feel small and that I didn't give a fuck at times what he needed from me. I was busy, with a capital B. Doing important shit and he was not even on my list of considerations.

So. I am not finished with him. I am just in the position that I WANT him to get it, to change, to give a fuck. But honestly, he has never ever been that guy in his whole life. I cannot expect it now.

You need help.
Codependency.
Codependency.
Codependency.
It is not healthy to want and to love someone who treats you badly.

Are you in IC?
You think he is the problem. But you are also the problem. I'm sorry. We all must help ourselves.

OwningItNow posted 12/26/2019 19:00 PM

Again

he has never ever been that guy in his whole life

NorthernMSB posted 12/26/2019 21:06 PM

OwningItNow: You can call it whatever you want. Codependency, whatever

It does not change the fact we marry people who are seriously flawed as we are as well. And we marry people who are not all that nice sometimes and who treat us badly sometimes. As do we. You throw two completely different people together and tell them they have to be nice to each other all the time and be great respectful people all the time, I call bullshit. No one is that perfect.

I have certainly NOT been nice all the time. I have called him names, I have even thrown things on occasion, not directly at him but dear god I would have given a great deal to throw a punch once or twice. But I did not. But I wanted to because I was so angry or frustrated.

Codependency. Jesus I am sick of labels. And no I am NOT in therapy Honestly, I think therapy is useless and a crock of shit. I will never do it. I have no interest in sitting and disgorging my problems and navel gazing. I am who I am and know exactly who that is and how I got there.

Ok maybe I am codependent and maybe I picked an asshole, well, I did pick an asshole but that is where I am. That is who I am married to and will stay married too because it is what I want. I picked him, pursued him, and got him. Be careful what you wish for I guess. Our marriage has not been all bad. He is just a weak fuck and don't think I haven't told hm that.

I pulled the symptoms/signs of codependency and no offence, not me.
Symptoms of Codependency
Low self-esteem. More like high standards for myself I sometimes feel I do not meet.
People-pleasing. I like to take care of people because I like it. I donít feel I have to or cannot say no. However, I also do exactly what I want when I want to do it.
Poor boundaries. I do NOT have poor boundaries at all.
Reactivity. I donít react to what people say and believe it. I am overly opinionated.
Caretaking. I do not really go out of my way to help anyone. No time.
Control. I am a workaholic but no offense, I consider that a strength. I like being in control because I think I can do everything better than anyone else.
Dysfunctional communication. I have absolutely NO problem communicating at all or being truthful about anything. I will flat out say when I donít like something.
Obsessions. I donít obsess about anything but work. I am a loner generally
Dependency. I donít need anyone emotionally. I have always been happiest by myself. I am not afraid of being rejected and I have ended every relationship I have ever been rather brutally.
Denial. I know exactly what my relationship is, dysfunctional on both sides. I do not focus on other peopleís feelings and I never deny my own responsibility for problems.
Problems with intimacy. NO problem with intimacy at all.
Painful emotions. I am not depressed. My painful emotions are situational and I am mostly pissed the fuck off.

You do not know me. I do not know you. I have not been a great wife and pretty much should not have married anyone because I am not good at it. Too focused on what I want to do. But I have done my best and maybe my husband has too. maybe his best is shitty. Who knows.

FEEL posted 12/26/2019 21:32 PM

It has been stated in one of the threads that the poster did not know you. Therefore not sure how anyone could comment on whether your action is an overreaction. What matters is what you feel about this and what you decide to do. You own your own happiness and you are the only one that can take the steps to move that in a positive direction.

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/26/2019 22:27 PM

Why would you love someone who treats you so badly? What are you getting out of this relationship?

I truly don't understand why you would want to be with someone who continually hurts you and has shown you over and over again that he does not care about you.

You're not afraid of rejection, you are happiest by yourself, you don't need anyone emotionally, but you can't imagine being without your CH? That doesn't make sense.

You said yourself that he has never been the guy you want him to be. If you are hellbent on staying with him, then you need to accept him for who and what he is. Let go of your expectations of him. He is not going to be what you want. If you won't leave, accept it.

OwningItNow posted 12/26/2019 23:14 PM

Low self-esteem. More like high standards for myself I sometimes feel I do not meet.

I can't go through all of them, but it seems you do not fully understand yourself or these concepts. If you are critical of yourself, then you are not accepting of yourself. Not accepting ourselves as we are--getting frustrated, angry, critical of ourselves, is a type of low self-esteem since we feel we must keep striving to be good enough.

NMSB, it would take too long to list all the ways that you are making yourself ill trying to be everything and do everything while your H is essentially a non-participant. Call it whatever you like, but every IC would know immediately that you are living an unhealthy and unmanageable mindset--trying to earn acceptance and love. The writing, the baking, the decorating, the zero sleep, the no gifts, no support, no love from your H.

Honestly, you are in an abusive relationship with yourself. Why? I am reminded of a book I read many years ago called I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can. You need to stop dancing. Just stop. She, too, was spiraling down. Why are you required to do so much? But your H so little? If that doesn't scream Low Self-Esteem, nothing does. You need a good IC to help you. I was once you, and a very good IC saved my life. I learned that I was good enough, no baking and writing and feeding all the dogs required.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 11:16 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

secondtime posted 12/26/2019 23:30 PM

And I do care that I lose my shit because a random number comes up on his phone. Jesus. I don't want to be that person. But I am right now and I just wanted someone to tell me it was okay for me to be crazed.

Then stop emotionally reacting to the situation.

It is a choice, you know...to be that person, or not.

And you can justify being crazed. That doesn't negate that you had a choice.

And while you might not like hearing this, therapy was great for giving me strategies to stop emotionally reacting to situations.

Personally, I never did enjoy all the energy spent on emotionally reacting. It left me exhausted and gave me other negative consequences.


homewrecked2011 posted 12/27/2019 00:13 AM

I just remembered something I learned in IC!!! My counselor told me it is so hard to leave a bad marriage because there are so many good times intertwined with the bad.

Since you are going to stay with him, no matter what, be prepared for what happened to me: He left. He made up his mind (without telling me, without even giving me the courtesy of a few marriage counseling sessions.) He just decided one day our marriage sucked. He had cheated on me, had disrespected me, but I didnít really see it... He bought a camper and moved into it. He was seeing a friendís wife, little did I know. But, when I found out I divorced him. But yeah, you can be committed to staying with him, but he can tell himself heís unhappy and leave.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/27/2019 04:15 AM

I am here for financial reasons and because despite the fact he betrayed me so horribly and he has been singularly unconcerned about how it has affected me, I love him

What exactly do you love about him? Which qualities?

Suggestion: Since you intend to stay, no matter what, might I suggest living separate lives? A marriage of convenience? Separate bedrooms, no more sex, and stop making his damned meals and doing his laundry. He cheats for 20 years, 3D days, and throws your meal that YOU MADE HIM on the floor when you get upset over his cheating. Jesus... If you make him another meal after that... well, accept that you ARE codependent and lack self-esteem. (Girl, I was there. I know where you are. I'm not judging at all.)

There is a better way to live. You could be downright delirious with joy if you simply allow yourself the opportunity to experience it. It will never happen with this man.

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2019 09:00 AM

I'm sure I will either get 2x4s about being so weak or you all will dismiss me as a lost case.

I don't think that's what we are doing at all - but some of your replies are pretty harsh to people who only want to help and some of your comments are also very defensive of your H.

I don't think any of us will tell that you overreacted and that you should just get over it. MSB, you know that's not how we roll on SI.

When you write a post that expresses anger toward your H, we in turn are going to tell you that you should not tolerate what he is doing to make you angry, sad or upset (which he has done for 20+ years) - that you deserve better.

So. I am not finished with him. I am just in the position that I WANT him to get it, to change, to give a fuck. But honestly, he has never ever been that guy in his whole life. I cannot expect it now.

OK. That is totally your prerogative. But, and I ask this with all sincerity, what do you want/need from us?

Sending hugs,

Lala

edited for typo

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:01 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 12/27/2019 10:29 AM

throws your meal that YOU MADE HIM on the floor when you get upset over his cheating.


I missed this. That is abusive! Your CH uses anger to control you. That is abuse. My guess is that he has been abusing you your entire relationship. Do you see that? You may have trauma brain, kind of like Stockholm syndrome, I think.

It's not about being weak. You've probably been beaten down so much for so long that you don't know what normal and healthy is anymore. You do have a choice. You can choose to not react. You can choose to stop expecting anything from him. You can choose to stop taking care of him. You can choose to stop letting him control you. You can choose yourself.

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