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Need to know if I am overreacting

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Tallgirl posted 12/27/2019 10:43 AM

Hi Northern.

You will be ok. I know you will. I am sorry he has hurt you.

You know your husband is an asshole, and you live with that. He is not acting any different than his norm. He is self absorbed and selfish, he simply doesnít (canít) understand how this could hurt you. And then he acts in anger because it doesnít make sense.

He knows who it is. He responded because it made him feel good to receive the text and to respond. It supported his ego.

You could call her and tell her to back off if you want. But he is the problem, and this is how he behaves.

If anything, he seems consistent. Would he ever consider IC?

Big hugs. I know how wearing this is.
Hoping this helps.

OwningItNow posted 12/27/2019 10:43 AM

I have to ask, why do you come here and complain about your H and the way he mistreats you, but get upset and defend him/the M when people back you up and say you should leave?

How would you explain yourself doing that?

Notmine posted 12/27/2019 10:45 AM

So he just stormed out. Yelling I was fucking ridiculous and I had no right to throw this shit on him whenever I was having a bad day.
Let's be clear, I wasn't having a bad day. we went shopping, did some errands, talked normally etc so on and nothing was wrong until I asked about the number. And that is when he said he erased it. And all this started. I made him his lunch which he threw out on the way out the door. Yelling thanks a lot for ruining his day and making him feel like shit and that I would look like a fucking idiot if I texted the number to see who it was.

Yes, you should be concerned. He is hiding things from you that have to do with a flirty woman. Chances are extremely high that you will not ever feel completely safe with someone who refuses to take responsibility for his actions and who reacts with cruelty and disrespect when you express your feelings of pain and fear about something that is related to HIS poor choices. You want to stay married and deal with this kind of person/behavior, up to you. If you want to get a little respect, you need to stop doing things like making his lunch, etc. when he is an asshat. If you are unwilling to change how you deal with this, then you will continue to get similar behavior.
When you get advice on how to deal with this guy, you defend him and/or talk about how he is justified because of the fact that you did not treat him well. That is complete bull. There is NO excuse for infidelity. Period. This man clearly feels entitled to treat you with incredible disrespect. The relationship seems pretty toxic, to be honest.

He has never ever been that guy in his whole life. I cannot expect it now

If this is true, and you do not want to deal with this is ways that will help YOU, then I am not sure why you are complaining. You seem to be unhappy with the status quo, but unwilling to help yourself. You will not take (or even try) the advice which has helped many of us and which we know can help you. I know this is harsh, but it is difficult to try to help someone who does not wish to help themselves.

NorthernMSB posted 12/27/2019 11:14 AM

Ok. I'm done here. Thanks very much generally but this is not productive at all.

People read but don't read and like text messages this medium is fraught with mistakes and conclusion jumping.

For example,
He did NOT Throw the lunch I made him on the floor...he chucked it in the garbage because he was pissed off and I said if he wasn't taking it then throw it out.

Number two, he is singularly absentminded and has absolutely NO memory and did not actually know who texted him, like I would bet my kids lives on it. I just wanted to know who it was.

Number three the flirty woman in question and my WH have been friends since he was 1 year old and she was 4. She is the sister of his best friend. The flirting isn't sexual or mutually interested it is just him saying she looks good (even when she doesn't) etc. I would again bet my kids lives that they have NO chemistry or interest in each other at all. He didn't answer because it felt good, he answered because obviously this person knew him and he was embarrassed he had no idea. I just wanted to know who the number was.

Number 4, I am complaining about him and the situation for sure. And I am defending him because he is not all bad and again., I contributed to this mess. like I just contributed to the huge fight we just had right now. I cannot let things go. can't. and he is avoidant so it is a bad combination.

I am sorry if anyone took anything I wrote to be whatever or offensive or something. Didn't mean it that way, just frustrated in general.

So, thanks again. I will take my dysfunctional life and cheating husband and slink off into the night (day). I have to figure this shit out myself because I am the only one with all the pieces. Getting advice on specific situations in this medium is like someone guessing an object by putting their hand in a bag while blindfolded too. You might get a feel for the general shape but will not be accurate. I wish you all well and I wish you get whatever outcomes you want out of your own shitty situations.

Thanks. Goodbye.

crazyblindsided posted 12/27/2019 11:59 AM

Fuck I am sick of feeling this low grade panic 24 hours a day. I cant imagine what it is doing to my body to be firing adrenaline and cortisol all day long.

(((NorthernMSB))) I believe it and remember the feeling so well. I know how hard it is to let go of something but sometimes I think we have to let go to save ourselves. I really hope you start detaching from your WS and start to see your worth. You are worth so much than this and to feel the way you do all the time isn't good for your body and health.

crazyblindsided posted 12/27/2019 12:04 PM

The longer i spend here, the more i think we would all be better off running on dday. Joking/not joking.

^^^ Amen to this! I could have saved myself 8 years of additional torture to my body and mind.

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2019 13:25 PM

I am sorry if anyone took anything I wrote to be whatever or offensive or something. Didn't mean it that way, just frustrated in general.

No offense taken whatsoever. I'm just very sad that your frustration is misplaced and that you can't find your way out of that frustration.

You know we are here for you if you change your mind and want to talk.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/27/2019 13:58 PM

I made him his lunch which he threw out on the way out the door. Yelling thanks a lot for ruining his day and making him feel like shit

Then you clarify (my mistake) with:

He did NOT Throw the lunch I made him on the floor...he chucked it in the garbage because he was pissed off and I said if he wasn't taking it then throw it out.

Floor. Garbage. What difference does it make? He still completely disrespected you. Even if he took the lunch with him, and ate it and all its deliciousness, he still said those awful words to you. Which still makes him an unremorseful asshat.

Not sure if you are still reading here, but I don't care what else is going on in that bag that my hand is fumbling around in. If it feels like sh** and smells like sh**, I don't care if it's actual s***, or prank store fake s***, or s*** scented playdoh. I know enough to know I want no part of it.

I truly hope you get there. I was where you are for 2 years. This is why I don't judge you. It is so hard when you've been subjected to abuse for such a long time. It literally changes your brain. I will be pulling for you Northern. You are not alone.

OwningItNow posted 12/27/2019 13:59 PM

It's obviously just the internet, so we can't be sure of anything we are understanding, but I get a strong sense that you are like I used to be. And when I first went to IC many years ago about my mounting depression, the talk turned to my narcissistic boyfriend of several years. I still remember that first convo.

"Owning, what do you want to talk about?"

"My boyfriend! I am so frustrated! He does this and that, treats me like this and that!"

"Well, Owning, we've talked about him for several sessions. Let's talk about you. What's going on with you?"

"Um, like I said, I'm so depressed and stressed about his behavior. I feel very down."

"I know, but what's going on with YOU? What's going on in your life?"

"I don't understand. I am talking about me."

"No, you are talking about your boyfriend. What about you?"

"Well, I don't really know what to say. I'm fine. It's just him!"

I could not find my happiness, my life, my pulse, my baseline without talking about my R with him. I was so plugged in to his behaviors and attitude, the approval seeking, the trying to solve our problems. I thought of little else. All I wanted was for things to work with him. But sadly, I had saddled myself to an emotionally unavailable narcissist who would never, ever validate me as I wanted.

It took a year or two of weekly sessions for me to get my head on straight and separate my thoughts of myself from my R with him. I finally left him, but it was WITHOUT QUESTION the hardest thing I have ever done. I was giving up (or so it felt like) getting the love and approval I had based my life on. In reality, I had found someone who made me feel like my narcissist mother made me feel, so leaving him felt like accepting that no one would ever love me properly.

Then the real work began--learning to love myself.

I was addicted to the intermittent approval I was getting, and that is what you are addicted to. Accepting that your WH is not capable of loving you feels like accepting that you are completely alone and unlovable. That's a lie you have been running from because it scares you and hurts you. Read Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I think you will be able to relate and begin to separate your value from the R with your H. They are unrelated. In fact, he will never, ever allow you to feel valued because he feels too worthless himself. You must save you. It can be done.

PSTI posted 12/27/2019 13:59 PM

Gently, it has absolutely zero to do with the text. It's all about the way he responded to you.

I get that you want him to care. I get that you love him and want him to step up.

I want a pony, and a winning lottery ticket. Wanting things doesn't make them happen, or even likely to happen. I think you're going to have to accept if you continue in this relationship, that you are NOT going to get those things.

Chaos posted 12/27/2019 14:09 PM

This is bullshit and you know it.

Go into the phone log. Get the number. SpyDial it.

And, if warranted, blow that shit up!

Dragonfly123 posted 12/27/2019 14:17 PM

Northern, Iím so sorry you obviously feel that we're not listening.

For what itís worth, for my part, I donít believe youíre weak, I believe you know what you want and are clinging to that, I get that, Iím doing the same. I donít also believe in labels and have no time for the theory of codependency. I also accept what youíre saying about this particular text.

But I think youíre missing the crux of what weíre trying to say to you here. Itís not the nitty gritty thatís concerning, itís his lack of remorse. Itís you shouting and shouting into a void and not being heard. Itís his clear lack of empathy and continued selfishness and entitled behaviour.

He doesnít feel like a safe partner for you.

Please come back and talk when youíre ready. You know everyone cares here!

tushnurse posted 12/27/2019 14:58 PM


I know you are angry as hell and hurting.
But know that everyone here, is trying to help you. We are listening, and we (most of us) see that he is not doing the work to be a safe partner, and that you are being abused. What he is doing is abusive.

You don't deserve it. No matter what you think you did to contribute to the unhappy state of your relationship, doesn't mean you have to do penance for it for the rest of your life. You are angry, and sad and not happy. Sister life is short. It's really fucking short, and before you know it is over.
Please don't look back and think man I was really unhappy for a long time.
Look back and say I had a good life, that had some bad and sad parts, but I demanded the love and respect I deserved, and when I didn't get it I severed those relationships.

And if you choose to stay with a spouse that isn't safe, and is hurtful to you please consider getting into IC with a therapist that specializes in trauma and abuse. You can learn to live with it, and still find happiness in life overall.

One last thought.....if what people are saying is really pissing you off, it's a good idea to step away and really examine why it is that it is pissing you off so very much, usually there is something about ourselves that we can learn from it.

LongSigh posted 12/27/2019 15:01 PM

Married to a serial cheater so I have the shitty bonus of being able to see repeated behaviors....

In my experience they seem to think a good defense is a disproportionate offense. His reaction alone would have confirmed heís up to no good for me. Been there done that, too many times.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/27/2019 15:04 PM

You are in denial. It sounds exactly like me before my d day. Things were so obvious but I chose to make excuses to myself. If you have made the decision to live in denial stop checking. Itís only going to upset you.

OwningItNow posted 12/27/2019 15:15 PM

There are very worrying things that are not mentioned in this thread--

You working yourself sick
Baking like crazy
Decorating and doing everything
Nicing him all the time
Him doing nothing
Never any gifts for you
Never kind
You not sleeping
Working and working

There is far more to this problem than his cheating. The marital dynamic is far more messed up than whether or not he is cheating. I am very worried about your health.

Tallgirl posted 12/27/2019 15:22 PM


cocoplus5nuts posted 12/27/2019 18:15 PM

, he simply doesnít (canít) understand how this could hurt you

I disagree. I would bet he understands quite well that he is hurting her. He doesn't care. He is controlling and abusive. He uses his explosive anger to impart fear (abuse) and then storms away (stonewalling, one of the 4 deadly horsemen to a M according to Gottman) in order to control the situation. He knows exactly what he's doing.



Stay, rugsweep, and allow him to continue to abuse you

Stay, continue trying to change him, and be miserable

Stay, accept him for what he is, detach, and find your own happiness

IC is the best way to figure out what you want to do and how to do it.

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