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Advice Needed about OW, OC, and contact

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SisterMilkshake posted 1/10/2020 12:20 PM

First of all, it is not helpful to shame the OP for how she feels.

fournlau, you are entitled to your feelings. All of them. What a difficult situation. I am so so sorry that your WH and OW have put you in such an awful situation and having to make such sad choices.

Second of all, the OW made unilateral decisions. OW chose to have this child knowing she would be a single mother. She made this choice knowing he wasn't going to be involved in the child's life. Many OW's, and women in general, get pregnant on purpose to entrap men. Either just financially or for marriage. Yes, there are women who make a "living" by getting pregnant and living off child support. They couldn't care less about the children they bear, they are just pawns. But, back to my point. OW chose this, not you or your WH. She could have terminated the pregnancy (lets not get into moral outrage about abortion, please, as the morality of an OW who fucks married men is nil) or chosen adoption. No, she wants to ensnare and entrap your WH into a relationship. Even if it is just a financial relationship. OW has no fucks to give about you or your children. I don't know why many feel you should take "the higher road". The higher road is overrated and just fuck that shit.

Your first and only concern needs to be for your children and yourself. The OW made her choice, you get to make yours. If you do not want OC in your life, do not have OC in your life. Yes, the child is innocent, but so are your children. ThisIsSoLonely advice to divorce would be devastating to YOUR 5 innocent children and oversimplifies the situation. I also heartily agree with free2016 post. Spot on, free2016.

I have no solution, unfortunately. I do support you and your feelings, though. I imagine I would feel exactly the same in the situation. P.S. There is a dedicated thread in the "I Can Relate" forum called "Dealing With OC". It doesn't seem to be very active but there are 11 pages of posts that you maybe able to read and get some bearing on your own situation through theirs. Wishing you peace and serenity, fournlau.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/10/2020 12:54 PM

SisterMilkshake - I based this entirely on what the OP said in her update post. There is no shame in my post at all and none meant:

ThisIsSoLonely advice to divorce would be devastating to YOUR 5 innocent children and oversimplifies the situation.

Everything the OP wrote in that post indicated how her marriage would not work if the OC indeed was her WH's child. Re-read her post and tell me how you could come to any other conclusion. My personal opinion about the OC aside - sometimes someone else listening to what you said and then repeating back their understanding of it makes it clearer, even to you.

All that being said...I don't think it is the province of a parent to "protect" their children by not telling them they have a sibling. It's cruel and hurtful and honestly, goes against everything I've read on SI, which is to allow someone to make decisions for themselves. Hiding (even via ignoring) the fact (assuming for the sake of argument that the OC is in fact her WHs child and therefore the sibling of her children) that a sibling exists from children takes away THEIR ability to decide for themselves what to do, and the IMO, is very very wrong. I completely agree that you have to figure out the best time and place and a way to tell them (taking into account age etc) but hiding that information from your kids under the guise of "protecting" them indicates two things to me: 1) the OC is someone the children need to be protected from (in this case it is a newborn baby as opposed to, for example, an adult convicted felon, so IDK how that would apply), and 2) that the children are not capable or deserving of making up their own minds about who they want in their lives - and a sibling no less.

You may disagree, but the simple fact that I know, 100% for certain, that if I had a sibling out there I would want the chance to see if I wanted to know them, tells you that everyone does not feel the same about this, and therefore you cannot say with 100% certainty that not telling your kids (nevertheless adult kids) is the right course of action. You are doing them a huge disservice by hiding that from them.

***All this is supposing the OPs kids do not know of the OC - and I CAN see withholding that info until the OP knows for sure that the OC is her children's half-sibling, but if it is proven that is their sibling, they deserve to know. And yes, I fully 100% grasp the fact that all of this is DECIDEDLY UNFAIR for the OP/BS to have to deal with. It's a fucking nightmare of epic proportions. Unfortunately, whether any of us grasp it or not, it's a potential consequence of deciding to let someone else into our lives and to have children with them. It's that whole for better or....worse. Most of us thought when we made that commitment that things like this woudln't apply to us. I know I sure didn't, but I'm here on this site too, despite my best efforts. I am not downplaying for one second how horrible this is, and I make sure to let it be known this is my opinion and my opinion only, but I do stand by my observation that based on reading the update post, it seemed crystal clear to me that for the OP to have a better life for herself going forward, that if the OC was indeed her WH that she needed to leave (and for the record, this was maybe the 3rd post I have ever told someone to divorce - ever in over 1000 posts - so I don't do it lightly...it just seemed so obvious to me from her comments).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:03 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

LLXC posted 1/10/2020 13:43 PM

OMFG. I cannot:

But, back to my point. OW chose this, not you or your WH

No. The cheater chose this. He has sex without a condom. He knew there was a risk pf her getting pregnant, and once she gets pregnant, it might be their baby, but it is her body. He took the risk of her getting pregnant when he chose to cheat and not use a condom.

Yup. OW could have an abortion. She could give the kid up for adoption. And maybe she can keep the kid and give the kid a great life. But the cheating husband created the situation by not using a condom


Men who have sex without condoms - once the woman gets pregnant, he has no say. And men should understand that.

I completely understand him not wanting that child. He should have used a condom.

And please. Sure, some women use babies to male a living. But if men used condoms, pregnancies wouldn't happen (95% effective when used correctly). And yes, some women poke holes in condoms. But if you don't want kids, take control of ypur birth control, regardless of gender.

Now. If the wife wants nothing to do with the OC, that is her prerogative. She has been hurt enough. The problem is with the children.

Are the children of the marriage horrified by a new half-sibling, sad, betrayed" excited, or a combination?

The husband has created a horrible situation, and he may have helped tp create a child he does not want nor does he love, and he should not spend time with a child when he doesnt want to. Horrible for child.

Now what if the kids want to spend time with their half-sibling? How sill that work?

And then the OC" once he or she gets older. Then what? What if the lod wanta to meet dad/siblings?

Regardless, it is a no-win situation in which the wife and all fhe children will be hurt whatever cheater decides, someone will be even further devastated

HellFire posted 1/10/2020 13:46 PM


Honestly,I don't think you have much to worry about. Many OW who actually get pregnant by their OM, will establish paternity pretty quickly. They're angry that their plan didn't work. They're pissed they were rejected, and they will want to keep the OM tied to them, in any way. They will want to hurt the BW, because usually they blame the fact that he didn't leave his marriage, on her. Read any of the OW forums, and you will see this is extremely common.

I say it's highly unlikely your husband is the father.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:48 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 1/10/2020 13:50 PM

@ThisIsSoLonely

First of all, it is not helpful to shame the OP for how she feels.
I am sorry that you took that personally, TISL, this was a general statement and not directed at any single poster directly.

You seem to want to have a debate with me about things I did not post. I simply stated that I felt your opinion of divorcing was an oversimplification of fournlau's situation. You seem to have jumped to conclusions and assumptions. *shrug*

I will comment on this particular statement, however.

You may disagree, but the simple fact that I know, 100% for certain, that if I had a sibling out there I would want the chance to see if I wanted to know them, tells you that everyone does not feel the same about this, and therefore you cannot say with 100% certainty that not telling your kids (nevertheless adult kids) is the right course of action. You are doing them a huge disservice by hiding that from them.
I don't disagree, actually. Timing and ages of children need to be taken into account. It would be difficult to tell older children and expect them to keep it a secret from younger siblings. Once again, this can not be oversimplified.

People are different thus making their wants and needs different, also. I will share an anecdote from my FWH's family. MisterSister's sister's WH, now EXWH, fathered an OC. They told their son's at the appropriate time. You are correct in that would have been a huge "disservice" to not tell them of their half sister. They all live in my FWH's hometown which is a relatively small farming community. There actually is a situation in my FWH's hometown where a half brother and half sister fell in love and moved in together not knowing they were siblings. Anyhoo, neither of these young men, our nephew's, have a relationship with their half sibling. They have no interest. My FWH's exBIL has a very intermittent relationship with her. Our nephew's had and have no desire for a relationship, you do. People are different, one size does not fit all.

SisterMilkshake posted 1/10/2020 13:55 PM

@LLXC Well, if that was the context I was posting in, yes, you would be correct in being aghast. However, that wasn't the context I was talking about. I said the OW chose to be a single mother, she had other options and this is the one SHE choose.

ETA: Let me preface this by saying I am a feminist and a SJ warrior. I wear the labels proudly. In fact, many men here call me a "radical feminist", whatever that means. Yep, I am castrating men left and right. I am also labeled a "bitch" by some and I wear that label proudly, too.

Now I totally agree on the autonomy of a women's body and her choices. TOTALLY. However, as I am also a SJ warriour, how come the men's options are limited to "You got me pregnant now you are going to be forced to participate in whatever choice I make because I am the women". The man is NOT more responsible for making that baby than the women. Really, I don't know what the solution is. Men do need to take financial responsibility, at the very least, for the sperm they spread far and wide. OTOH, I don't feel it is fair to a man that he gets no say on what happens to the sperm that fertilizes the egg making a fetus that wouldn't be possible without said sperm. Does he have a greater responsibility in making sure the sperm doesn't fertilize an egg? Take it from a woman who got pregnant on different forms of birth control, including condoms, that the only way to totally protect from unwanted pregnancies is to not fuck. Well, that would solve a lot of problems, wouldn't it?

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 2:13 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

LLXC posted 1/10/2020 14:31 PM

Well, if that was the context I was posting in, yes, you would be correct in being aghast. However, that wasn't the context I was talking about. I said the OW chose to be a single mother, she had other options and this is the one SHE choose

I see your point. Yes, she is choosing to be a single mother. By raising tbis child, she is choosing to have a child without a partner for all the day to day tasks.

But plenty of children are raised by single parents and yet the noncustodial parent is still in the child's life. That is entirely on the father, in this case.

The problem here is a no-win situation. Cheater wants nothing to do with kid, wife is happy, kid is devastated. Cheater spends time with kid, solely because it is the right thing to do, wife is hurt, kid may be hurt as well. Cheater happily spends time with kid, kid is happy, wife is devastated.

I understand what you mean that the other woman chose to give birth and raise a child, knowing the dad wants nothing to do with the kid. At the same time, the cheater had sex without a condom, knowing she could become pregnant, knowing she may want to keep that child. It is all on her that she does not have a partner to raise a child with. I agree with you there. However. the kid can still have a dad, someone kid sees once per week.

He took that risk when he had sex with someone. That person can not become pregnant. That person can become pregnant and have an abortion, adoption route, or raise the kid. Whenever you have sex, these are possibilities. If you use a condom, more likely the person wont become pregnant. But if you KNOW you dont want a kid, it is up to you to prevent that, and at the same time to KNOW that pregnancy is always a possibility. And a guy should know his obligation to that child, not the eoman, to whom he has none.

fournlau posted 1/10/2020 14:34 PM

ThisIsSoLonely:

You are correct, in my assessment of things, if the child turns out to be WH’s then I saw absolutely no way our marriage would survive. One, because I could never accept OC in my life, and two, because I assumed he would want some sort of communication with OC. However, if you read my latest update, that is not the case. And while some, such as yourself, would have no respect for him for “abandoning” his OC. Abandoning any and all communication is one condition of me even attempting to R. In which case, I am willing to stay.

Here’s the reality of what “doing the right thing” would look like. WH would acknowledge himself as OC’s father and attempt to have a relationship. This would cost him his wife and possibly his children from the marriage. We would divorce, sell the house, and probably both end up in shitty apartments as neither of us have much money and I have been a SAHM for most of our marriage. Since we are half way across the country from OW and OC the only way to stay in touch would be by phone. Certainly he wouldn’t have enough money to visit or bring OC to see him, that would take years anyway as OC is too young to travel alone. I’m sure OW would attempt to convince him to move closer to her and OC, which if WH did, would take him away from his other children. Really, a no win situation, and not only that, but a situation in which everyone loses.

I also agree that I would never tell my children to hate or dislike OC. They are old enough to make those decisions themselves. They all know about OW and OC and as of yet have voiced no desire to get to know OC. That may change in the future, as right now they might feel more loyalty to me and may not want to hurt me. However, if they so desire, I would never stand in their way. I would simply ask that they not discuss OC with me.

.but the fact is by having the A he already did abandon his wife and other 5 children.

I suppose you could look at it that way, I don’t. Had he abandoned us then he would not be here attempting to R and putting this family ahead of OC. That might not look like the “right thing” to do in your eyes, but that is the cost and consequence of his action.

Additionally, why would anyone encourage doing the “right thing” when sperm donor wants nothing to do with OC? That seems to me it would be just as damaging, if not more, than to be abandoned. And if the father never wanted that child to begin with, the only thing he can be forced to do is CS, which I too believe is the least that has to be done.

I am working towards getting this done sooner rather than later as I prefer to have all the facts instead of just fear.

Thank you for your perspective and consideration.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/10/2020 17:47 PM

Fornaleau - to address what you said, I did not see your second update. That being said, I am not saying for a father to be involved who does not want to...but to run from his legal obligations financially at bare minimum, is...well, it's been said here already...it sucks to have a parent that doesn't want you or admit you are even theirs. I am more concerned that YOU are the one having to push this on your WH - it makes me feel very sad for you. I can see my own WH doing the exact same thing. If he had the opportunity to run from the child he had when he was much younger before we met, it's become crystal clear to me that he would have done so.

I will only disagree about the abandoning you and your kids - he did by having the A. He just decided to come back...but again, that is semantics, and something I can relate too all too well. I'm glad your kids know - so my apologies for thinking otherwise, but it was hard to tell from your posts and after representing abused and neglected kids, I find myself very empathetic to them as they are the truly innocent in all of this mess.

If there is one thing I can say about this site, I can't tell you how many times I have gone back and read what people said to me that I did NOT want to hear at the time, and thought "I wish I had listened" or "they were so right" or "I was kidding myself." That may or may not be you later on, but I do know that reading a different perspective than my own has helped me more than I ever could have imagined during this whole nightmare, which is why I offered my personal opinion here.


As to sistermilkshate - I'm not debating with you at all. I'm a lawyer so if someone says something is unclear, I try to explain myself.

I simply stated that I felt your opinion of divorcing was an oversimplification of fournlau's situation. You seem to have jumped to conclusions and assumptions. *shrug*

Sometimes I think people on here take things too personally...it's not a personal issue (in that this situation isn't my issue personally - this hasn't happened to me - so my opinion is just that - an opinion). I only addressed it to you based on the oversimplification comment you made - and trying to clarify what I said. I also was not offended in any way by your comment.

It would be difficult to tell older children and expect them to keep it a secret from younger siblings.

Maybe, maybe not...BUT the op said her youngest was 14...IMO how long do you keep that a secret from your 22 year old... And my point was that it sounds like, from Fornalau's comments about her WH, that her WH's plan was to NEVER say anything ever and that IMO is not okay to do to adults, even if they are your children. As it turns out, they know...and they may change their mind when/if it becomes "real" (if the DNA says it's his) or they may not, or some may and some may not. IMO the OP has done the right thing by letting them know so they can choose for themselves.

Our nephew's had and have no desire for a relationship, you do.

You made my point perfectly. The fact your nephew had a choice in the matter is totally fine. The fact that he chose not to have a relationship is fine too, because it was a choice of his, which was my only point.

I don't feel it is fair to a man that he gets no say on what happens to the sperm that fertilizes the egg making a fetus that wouldn't be possible without said sperm. Does he have a greater responsibility in making sure the sperm doesn't fertilize an egg?

It's not "fair" to the man, but life isn't fair, and "unfair" biology isn't an excuse to hide behind. I don't think that LLXC is saying that a cheating man should be any more responsible than the OW he cheated with (but that is my reading of LLXC's comments so I could be wrong), but equally - yeah, I think so. And does he have a "greater responsibility" to make sure the sperm doesn't fertilize the egg? Nope. In that regards his responsibility to try to make that not happen is 100% the same. He's in 100% control of whether or not he chooses to not try to use birth control, as is the OW. Granted all this is semantics if the A at issue here is like 99% of them when the "passion" or "desire" or "love" is stronger than reason as most of them go bareback from the beginning or eventually do so (as in the case of my own WH - who thankfully had a vasectomy years before the A or I would likely be in the same boat as the OP).

The problem here is a no-win situation. Cheater wants nothing to do with kid, wife is happy, kid is devastated. Cheater spends time with kid, solely because it is the right thing to do, wife is hurt, kid may be hurt as well. Cheater happily spends time with kid, kid is happy, wife is devastated.

This is absolutely true - all of it. I think it's part of the reason why this post has generated so much commentary - precisely because it is a no win situation no matter how you look at it.

What really pisses me off about it is that the only person in the entire fact pattern that seems to get what they want is the OP's cheating husband. To me, that is the most "unfair" about all of it.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:48 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

PSTI posted 1/10/2020 18:14 PM

I don't feel it is fair to a man that he gets no say on what happens to the sperm that fertilizes the egg making a fetus that wouldn't be possible without said sperm. Does he have a greater responsibility in making sure the sperm doesn't fertilize an egg?

Some people have no issues telling a woman with an unwanted pregnancy that if she wasn't prepared for the consequences then she should have kept her legs closed.

It's equally reasonable to say that if a man doesn't want to take the risk of his partner becoming pregnant, to either have a vasectomy or at least use protection. But even the best methods of birth control fail, and there is still the possibility of a pregnancy. Anyone who very much wishes to avoid a pregnancy should be taking serious preventative precautions, period.

While it's not totally fair that men get no say in what happens to a pregnancy, there's no other way to manage things without usurping the woman's bodily autonomy and/or damaging the rights of the child (i.e. the man can't just say because he didn't want a child that he can walk without being required to pay CS at a bare minimum).

It's not like adults have no idea where babies come from. If you don't want one, it's your responsibility to take precautions.

fournelau- I have so much sympathy for your position. Even in a poly marriage I told my husband that I would not raise a child that wasn't biologically mine in the future. If he had come with a child as a package deal, that's a different story. But I am not open to coparenting a child that isn't mine. I told him that was my boundary from the very beginning. He recently had a vasectomy so this would no longer be an issue, since he also does not want children with another partner, and we can't control what happens if he accidentally gets someone else pregnant.

I think that the situation is horrifically unfair to you, your family, and to the OC. It's not happy for anyone. Sometimes, you just need to make the choices that suck the least when they're all bad. Sometimes there is no win position.

I personally can't have respect for anyone who walks away from their own child, because my xH did that and I see the damage it's done to my son. But you get to decide what you can handle in your marriage.

I think that you should at least bite the bullet and have a paternity test done so you don't keep going around in circles. At least make your decisions based on certainty and not conjecture.

[This message edited by PSTI at 6:21 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 1/10/2020 21:10 PM

Here is my suggestion.
Since paternity has not been established there is no issue. I would make it clear to your H he is not to have contact unless paternity is established legally.

Period.

If the mother never moves forward you and your H have no issues. He can be left wondering but there is a reason if she refuses to establish paternity - most likely the child is not his.

I wholeheartedly second this.

Fournlau, you asked in your first post whether it was ok to go NC. The answer is YES.
I think I saw that your WH told OW to stop contact until paternity was determined and in my opinion that is perfectly reasonable.

As of right now the OW is just a female he knows who has a baby. Sure, there's a chance it may be his but, for all anyone knows, there's an equal chance it isn't (based on the fact that she has multiple children w/ multiple men -- it's not out of bounds to question whether your WH was the only guy she was having sex w/ at time of conception).

Do NOT give her any $ w/o a paternity determination. Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

Whether your WH asks for the paternity determination or decides to just let it be unless/until OW instigates the suit is a different consideration which the attorney you're meeting w/ should discuss. It makes the most (objective) sense to do nothing until OW files a paternity action. OTOH, for your own emotional health and marriage it may be worthwhile for your WH to initiate the paternity action so it's done and settled. Perhaps going strict NC will cause her to get the ball rolling, but do you wonder why she hasn't made this official yet?

HellFire posted 1/10/2020 21:22 PM

What is the last name of the child?

That doesn't necessarily indicate paternity. But, I'm curious if she gave the child your last name?

LLXC posted 1/11/2020 01:54 AM

I don't think that LLXC is saying that a cheating man should be any more responsible than the OW he cheated with (but that is my reading of LLXC's comments so I could be wrong), but equally - yeah

I think whoever does not want the child is the one who is responsible for BC. In this case, it sounded like the ow wanted a child woth the husband. If he does not want a child, he should prevent that from happening. Best thing, dont have sex. If you are going to have sex, use a condom properly. But pregnancy is a possibility when heterosexual couples have intercourse

If a woman is having sex with another womans husband, of course she should use protection. But, she may want a child. Morally repugnant? Sure. But it hapoens. It is the cheater's responsibility to prevent it from happening - like i said, whoever doesnt want a pregnancy needs to take care of it. If both dont want a pregnancy, that is simple. But when extramarital sex is involved, no 9ne van be trusted.


.

I don't feel it is fair to a man that he gets no say on what happens to the sperm that fertilizes the egg making a fetus that wouldn't be possible without said sperm. Does he have a greater responsibility in making sure the sperm doesn't fertilize an egg

It is not fair that he has no say. But the fertilization does not occur in his body. So he has no say

If he doesn't want a baby he has a responsibility to use birth control to prevent it from happening. If she doesnt want a baby, she should do the same.

He has a responsibilty for not having a baby he does not want. She does as well.

The problem arises when two people have sex, one wants a kid and the other doesnt. It is on whoever does not want the kid to use bc to prevent the pregnancy from happening

sucks to have a parent that doesn't want you or admit you are even theirs

Yup. I know a few people like that. Your own dad didn't you? Worst feeling.

Hipefully in this situation cheater is not the dad.

Skoochnski posted 1/11/2020 03:44 AM

I think it’s rather suspicious that WH defended OW:
“She’s not a whore.” 🤔

Also, considering that WH has now admitted that he likes the updates on the OC coupled with the fact that OW is continually sending the updates despite being asked not to makes me think that he’s secretly been in contact with OW.

I.e. “I had to tell you not to contact me to get her off of my back. But I’m glad the baby is doing well.”

At this point, IMHO, WH should be willingly and loudly admitting that the OW is a horrible, broken person (if not a whore) who willingly violated your marriage.

As far as the OC is concerned- I wouldn’t welcome him/her into my home either. You’re absolutely right that you would be the one who has to provide care. You said your children are grown(ish). You didn’t make the choice to start wiping poopy butts again. That choice was taken from you.
So please don’t feel bad about not opening your heart and home to this child. YOU never wanted another child.

And you’re absolutely correct that WH’s first-born children (your children) deserve preferential treatment.

It’s WH’s responsibility to figure out how to make things “even” regarding his involvement in OC’s life while maintaining NC.

He should have thought about all of this before he laid down with her....🙄

fournlau posted 1/12/2020 06:56 AM

I think whoever does not want the child is the one who is responsible for BC. In this case, it sounded like the ow wanted a child woth the husband

WH was told by OW that she was on BC and had been since the birth of her last child who I think is around 4 years old. Not that that gets him off the hook for not using condoms, as there are still STI's to think about. Nothing like believing the word of a person who has no problem fucking a married man, but that's another issue! I believe this was true when they started, but when she realized their "fun" was coming to an end (as his job was almost over in that area and he would no longer be living there for 6 days out of the week), she decided to try and trap him. But that is just my opinion. If she did, well, it blew up in her face.

.but to run from his legal obligations financially at bare minimum, is...well, it's been said here already..

I do believe I have stated numerous times that CS for OC is something that will happen (once paternity is established).

I will only disagree about the abandoning you and your kids

On this I suppose we will just have to agree to disagree. You see it as such and I don't. Like you said however, it's nothing but semantics at this point as he is here and doing everything he can to keep us.

I personally can't have respect for anyone who walks away from their own child, because my xH did that and I see the damage it's done to my son.

This is valid and I am so sorry this happened to you. However, being your XH there is a more reasonable expectation that he would be a father to the child you had together. An A is different and WH was absolutely clear that he would not be a father to OC. Not that that makes it any better. I guess I just don't see the two as being the same type of situation. Again, only my opinion and looking at it from the outside might look different.

Do NOT give her any $ w/o a paternity determination. Zero, zip, zilch, nada.

Whether your WH asks for the paternity determination or decides to just let it be unless/until OW instigates the suit is a different consideration which the attorney you're meeting w/ should discuss. It makes the most (objective) sense to do nothing until OW files a paternity action. OTOH, for your own emotional health and marriage it may be worthwhile for your WH to initiate the paternity action so it's done and settled. Perhaps going strict NC will cause her to get the ball rolling, but do you wonder why she hasn't made this official yet?

Absolutely NO MONEY is going to this woman until paternity is established. WH suggested we agree on an amount that we can just give her a month just to be done with this issue. I said "NO FUCKING WAY"! She is not getting a single dime unless I know for sure it's his.

I am waiting to make any decision until after we've met with the lawyer and see what our best option is. Sure, not knowing is like having an ax swinging overhead and waiting to see if it will get low enough to cut off my head, but I can live with it for now.

I think it’s rather suspicious that WH defended OW:
“She’s not a whore.” 🤔

This happened close to Dday and he said a lot of stupid shit. We have since talked about his defending her and he realizes that it is not something he should be doing. His explanation was that he didn't want to inflame my anger and hatred. I once said that I hated her and his reaction was that he didn't want me to do that because I am not the type of person to hate anyone. He also told me that she got off on knowing that she was fucking another woman's husband. Honestly, I can't believe he would be with a woman like that! Getting off on humiliating his own wife!

At this point, I don't believe he is in touch with her behind my back and has already agreed to change his phone number so that she can no longer contact him whenever she wants. He didn't put up a fight at all when I expressed my need for NC with OW/OC. Nor is he expecting me to change my mind at any time in the future. For now, that is enough for me.

You didn’t make the choice to start wiping poopy butts again.

So much this! I'm at the point in my life where I should be enjoying my grandchildren, of which I have 2 with a 3rd on the way, not raising another child! My baby is 14 and in High School. It's a different time in my life and if WH ever decides he wants/needs contact with OC, I won't stop him, but he'll be doing it without me by his side.

Certainly I am aware that at some point OC might want to know about it's sperm donor, and it's half siblings. I can't say how I will feel at that point, but I'm pretty sure that I will still want nothing to do with OC. But I certainly would never stand in the way of my children getting to know OC on their own. They are all old enough to make that decision even now. Like I said before, as of yet, none have expressed an interest in doing that, even though all my daughters love babies. This is one that doesn't elicit bubbly feelings.

ETA:

What is the last name of the child?

I don't have this information. We don't even know what name she put on the birth certificate, if any.

[This message edited by fournlau at 9:47 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

sassylee posted 1/12/2020 10:14 AM

Yes, after dday when they are wrapped up in their wayward mindset, a lot of stupid stuff gets said. My husband too defended OW with “she’s not a whore. She’s not like that.” Lol. That’s partly affair fog - they’ve spent months ignoring any negative red flags in order to secure their supply of ego kibbles - and partly self defense - I didn’t blow my life up over someone whose a whore.

I’m sorry Fornlau, I’m glad you’re seeing an attorney and you seem to have a strong grasp of things moving forward.

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