"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Cooley2here posted 1/14/2020 20:47 PM

Be fog. Be a cloud. Be something he has nothing to push against. You and your daughter need to practice responding to him with completely neutral answers and when he says something you tell him you’re sorry to hear that. She can say something simple like I’m sorry or OK. Don’t give him anything to argue with. Never lose your cool and stay off the phone as much as possible. Don’t text or email. It’s called gray rocking. The most boring thing you can be is one of the thousands of rocks in your driveway. Narcissists become dangerous if they feel like they are losing. Never let him feel that way.

You want him to move. Let him harangue you. Let him yell at your daughter. Give him nothing. Neutral tone of voice. Body language absent. Become the most boring person you can be. If that enrages him then change tactics and cry. Your one thought should be to make it easy for him to move. If one way doesn’t work do the other.

Muggle posted 1/15/2020 02:02 AM

Never lose your cool and stay off the phone as much as possible. Don’t text or email. It’s called gray rocking.

He and I have not spoken to each other since November of 2018, when I refused to have his wife become part of the dialog in our divorce. We've had a few emails back and forth, but that was before March 2018 when our "divorce" was finalized and we signed the settlement agreement.

He refused to have any contact with me after that, and won't return an email, and communicates through our kids only. If I answer the phone when he calls my home, he hangs up rather than ask to talk to his kids. I'm fine with that. His wife says she's not a fan of us communicating as we are toxic toward each other. She runs the circus, and I don't participate.

I've never spoken in person, or on the phone with his wife. I've never met her. I've had to communicate a few times by email with her. Things have stayed civil so far, with only a few isolated remarks that made me want to respond back to her "assumptions" and "speculations". I know what she thinks of me, I've seen a few of the text messages she's sent his adult daughter. She blames me for a number of things that aren't accurate. I have decided for the most part not to address those statements. I think it will be far more fun to let her find out on her own, as it applies to her in time.

Responding opens the door to hostility, and a potential mud slinging contest and no matter what you say it will not turn out the way you intend.

EvenKeel posted 1/15/2020 07:01 AM

He refused to have any contact with me after that, and won't return an email, and communicates through our kids only.

The good news is you probably have no need to communicate with him so you can be completely N/C.

I read about the counselor giving your DD the tools she needs to deal with him, etc. I am curious as to why your DD hasn't totally cut him off totally. I would think after he pulled that last blast on her, she would be like "Sorry - I don't need this".

Cooley2here posted 1/15/2020 07:47 AM

I don’t know your whole story but from what you are saying he is enraged because you won. I have no idea what he thinks you won but whatever it is his narcissism will not let him accept it. People who have moved on with their lives don’t stay this enraged. He is just waiting to let you have it. If he can’t do it personally he will do it through the kids. That’s narcissism.

Muggle posted 1/15/2020 16:12 PM

I read about the counselor giving your DD the tools she needs to deal with him, etc. I am curious as to why your DD hasn't totally cut him off totally. I would think after he pulled that last blast on her, she would be like "Sorry - I don't need this".

No matter how crappy a parent is a child still wants that parent. They can't detach completely because they LOVE them. She barely see's him now, and often doesn't want to answer the phone. She will set the pace and time for this to reach critical mass for her.

I have no idea what he thinks you won but whatever it is his narcissism will not let him accept it. People who have moved on with their lives don’t stay this enraged.

What I "won" was a paid off house. I "won" a sizable settlement, which takes a bite out of his income. He has to pay for cell phones, insurance, dental, kids car insurance, and life insurance for him until I'm paid. I "won" a lien on the two pieces of property that he was awarded until my settlement is paid off in 3 years.

Cooley2here posted 1/15/2020 17:05 PM

Well, there it is. Why he has temper tantrums. Aren’t you glad you don’t live with him anymore.

I’m so glad your daughter has a therapist. She needs tools to help her make the transition into a healthy adult.

(((Muggle)))

Muggle posted 1/18/2020 01:32 AM

I don't know what I'm going to do. He didn't pay me my piddly wages for this pay period. It's less than $250 per check. Payday was today and no money was direct deposited. It's such a low amount, and he's always paid. I'm worried that if I wasn't paid then something bigger is at play.

He was due to pay $725 for our son's college by the 15th of the month. Normally he pays by the 13th. No money has come for that either.

I'm seeing a pattern. I emailed him and his wife, along with payroll (also his wife). I've received no reply yet, but it's only been a few hours. I suspect I might not get a reply.

My settlement money is due by the 31st. I can't get a judgement unless he's an additional 30 days late. If he doesn't pay the college support or my wages I doubt he will pay the $5000 settlement.

I've still not heard back from his wife about the items he still owes from the original settlement. I had sent her all the receipts, documents showing he didn't correctly calculate several things, and completely ignored other things. This was a week ago. She said she needed to review and confirm totals. What's to confirm, the documents were there showing everything.

At the bare minimum he will still owe me almost $10,000 for those items even if he doesn't owe any interest on things.

The icing on the cake was the lawsuit attorney's assistant telling me my retainer might have completely been used. I might not be getting any money back, in fact I might owe more. I have to wait to see. I was under the impression I was getting some money back.

Today I looked in my dogs mouth to see why her breath was incredibly foul lately. I'd looked before and saw only tartar. Today I lifted her lip and she has an abscess. I will have to take her to the vet tomorrow. I'm sure it's going to cost $400-$1000 if she needs teeth removed, the abscess taken care of, and anesthesia. I just got the other dog's toe growth taken off, and that cost me $770 after he tore out his stitches from raking his feet in the yard, with his cone on.

I am still smiling, but I really want a break. I just want some calm, and peace for a bit. No drama, no stress, and something that resembles a normal life. It's been 2 years, I should be hitting a CALM milestone. This is NOT what calm looks like, this is CHAOS. I'm tired of CHAOS. Why is it so damn hard to achieve this?

k8la posted 1/18/2020 14:12 PM

Sounds to me like you are absolutely counting on a bad actor behaving and complying with the law.

You need to move away from the expectation he's going to do the right thing and find ways to start providing for your financial needs yourself. Then if he comes through because he's tired of the consequences,GREAT! but if not, you're moving on and living a great life because you have control over your finances.

Muggle posted 1/18/2020 17:39 PM

You need to move away from the expectation he's going to do the right thing and find ways to start providing for your financial needs yourself. Then if he comes through because he's tired of the consequences,GREAT! but if not, you're moving on and living a great life because you have control over your finances.

He left me with some steep hills to climb, but I'm climbing them one at a time. He doesn't manage two kids with severe depression. I've been the only one sorting out mental health concerns for two of our kids. I take one to all the appointments for therapy, doctors, and deal with all the medications, and provide all the support when something goes wrong.

I'm trying to get one through getting a diploma with depression, attending classes to obtain the diploma in night classes, three years after dropping out of high school. The other one is in an extension school. This requires I take her to and from classes. I live 14 miles from town in a rural area, with no bus system. I'm tied down to this for another 1.5 years.

I've been getting her a license, trying to facilitate getting an extra car so I can remove myself from the trips to and from school. He's helped with none of this. I had to take her to 3 time a week driving classes, plus practice classes. I'm shoveling sand, and it keeps pouring in.

I can't seek employment until I can untangle myself from managing all the underlying issues he left me to deal with, unless I want one or both of them to fall off the map.

I have a 18 year gap in my employment as I gave up my 12 year job to raise kids. My only other job was working for our business, which is now entirely HIS.

I don't expect him to comply. I worry how to manage when he doesn't. I have so many pieces of this puzzle to put in place, so I can work on my future. I fully plan to get employment as soon as possible.

My reality right now is I rarely can go more than a few days without something happening. She often has troubles that require I pick her up at school. The other issues create attendance issues. Employers are not sympathetic to leaving to deal with family issues on a regular basis.

In a nut shell I have a mess, which I'm sorting out. The problem is I can't sort it out faster than the pace it's going. Each piece must be resolved to work on the next. I've just got too many things in play at once.

ArkLaMiss posted 1/18/2020 18:57 PM

I sympathize with you, Muggle. Is there any way that YOU can start a business exactly like the one you had with the ex? Since you know the ins and outs, maybe that is an option for you and your kids. I would definitely get a business plan together and you and your kids go into business. Use all your old information and even old contacts. I'd keep it under wraps but definitely work towards that end. Just a thought.

Muggle posted 1/18/2020 21:14 PM

I sympathize with you, Muggle. Is there any way that YOU can start a business exactly like the one you had with the ex? Since you know the ins and outs, maybe that is an option for you and your kids. I would definitely get a business plan together and you and your kids go into business. Use all your old information and even old contacts. I'd keep it under wraps but definitely work towards that end. Just a thought.

The business is crime scene clean up. I have zero stomach for the level of human tragedy that's involved, and I faint at the sight of blood. Definitely not something I can recreate.

It will eventually settle into some sort of life, but it's taking too long for me. My worries have worries. All the things I worry about are financial. I've come to terms with almost all of the rest of the demons I've had to wrestle with to find my version of "closure".

I just have to make it through all this to get to the other side. Worst case scenario I will have more hurdles to jump. Best case I will jump them and not do more than stumble for a bit and then keep moving to a better future that doesn't involve him.