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What to make of this behavior

Sickandafraid posted 1/13/2020 07:34 AM

WH are in process of divorcing. He is essentially out of the house, but has come over to help with our 3 boys a few times recently (because, you know- I had the kids assuming I’d have a husband and dad to help raise them).

Anyway, during those times, he keeps trying to hold my hand and hug me. I keep shutting it down and ask him- why are you doing this? His answer is always “I don’t know”. I explained to him that we are not friends, and that I am trying to be civil but am still very very angry. And that I don’t know if or when I’ll ever forgive him. He says he’ll stop trying to hug me. But then doesn’t.

Why do they do stuff like this? Is it confusion? Is it trying to keep me in the wings in case it doesn’t work out with AP? Is it because he doesn’t want me to be mad at him?

He also has offered to tow our camper to various campsites this summer so the boys and I can camp like we always used to (he would leave after set up). And he is being overly generous in his financial offer for the divorce.

Just trying to understand all his incongruous behavior.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/13/2020 07:37 AM

I would be very suspicious of his motives since he says he'll stop, but doesn't. Could that be considered harrassment? Sounds really creepy. I think he's trying to manipulate you. For what, I don't know.

The1stWife posted 1/13/2020 07:45 AM

It could be guilt

It could be he has this mindset of “I want what I can’t have”.

He had you but chose to cheat but now that he doesn’t have you he loves the thrill of the chase and “wants” you

He realizes he’s made a mistake and realizes he does still live you and is trying to make amends

He’s alone by himself and can’t handle it

He’s a jerk and wants sympathy

He wants a second chance - he thinks you will give him one

He’s trying to create a narrative in his head that this D is not his fault by trying to R

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:46 AM, January 13th (Monday)]

peachmelba posted 1/13/2020 07:54 AM

And he is being overly generous in his financial offer for the divorce.

If you can, grit your teeth and say as little as possible until the divorce is finalized. He clearly feels guilt and is trying to alleviate it. If that has a long-term financial benefit for you, it's a silver lining. I know it's hard though.

Sickandafraid posted 1/13/2020 09:11 AM

I know, I am trying to get the divorce paperwork into my lawyer as quickly as possible. But between working full time and taking care of the kids, it’s been tough to get it put together.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 1/13/2020 09:49 AM

I would say guilt, and maybe (giving him the benefit of the doubt because people are, well, confusing) he is trying to do right by his kids in some small way by helping you make things as normal as possible for them. Maybe he feels pangs of longing for spending time with them and/or you as a family.

I know from dealing with my own WH that these things are very intertwined in most cases, and that if I'm honest, I have to accept that WH's feelings swing all over the place likely just like mine do. He is human and although super f-ed up I imagine things are not a crystal clear for him as I think they are in my own mind.

deephurt posted 1/13/2020 09:55 AM

Definitely get the $$ first. My guess is he is feeling guilt and wants what he can no longer have.

Chaos posted 1/13/2020 09:58 AM

My gut reaction says a combination of guilt and the fact that he's beginning to realize that this is really happening and clinging literally to any hope it won't really end.

Keep and enforce your boundaries.

Sickandafraid posted 1/13/2020 12:34 PM

Well all of your ideas make me a little better than my suspicion, which is just that he pities or feels sorry for me. I guess that would be a close cousin to guilt though.

Working on all the divorce paperwork, and just completely torn down to see how drastically our lives are going to change. How awful it will be... splitting holidays and birthdays with the kids. And thinking - God- he must really really have hated and/or not loved me that this kind of devastation and chaos is worth it to him.

Can’t stop crying.

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