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Hurt, sad, and depressed

Jej188 posted 1/17/2020 10:30 AM

Hello,

I have just found out yesterday about my wife cheating. I guess for awhile now I have had my suspicions, from her not being home when she said she would be, to her not being in bed at night but on the phone. She would tell me her sister was having problems and he was helping her. I believed it because it made sense. Yesterday, I stopped by the house on the way back from a job site and caught another guy over. They weren't in the middle of anything; he was just there. I kicked him out and then her and I started arguing. She had all the reasons why I wasn't a good husband and how she has been unhappy for so long. I just sort of sat there stunned thinking about how in an instant everything had changed. Listening to her give reasons that made no sense and were out of left field. We have two amazing boys together and all I could think about was them and how her actions were going to destroy this family. I do not know what to do. She wants to keep the family together and not upset the dynamic of the kids lives, so basically stay married and I guess play pretend for them. Part of me wants that so bad, but another part wants to run. I have seen other people go through a divorce and lose everything. The thought of not seeing them every night heart wrenching. I don't know what to do. I keep thinking, " Am I really this bad of a person, that she is saying" Nobody knows about this besides us. I was up all night and found this forum. I am sorry if I am rambling, but after reading other peoples stories, it seemed like a good place to let some of this hurt go.

dblackstar2002 posted 1/17/2020 10:38 AM

First, I am so sorry you had to go thought this. Second, Your wife's reasons for her affair are pure BS as I am sure many will come along and tell you. Third, Never I repeat Never stay together for the kids sake. This will be a nightmare for both you and them. At the end of the day one thing I am sure people here will tell you is true. Cheaters are broken people and nothing you did or did not do caused your wife to cheat! In my opinion you should start to take care of you and your kids, And talk to lawyers when you feel you are ready. Good luck to you...

Slanted posted 1/17/2020 10:42 AM

I keep thinking, " Am I really this bad of a person, that she is saying

No. NO. A thousand times no. Even though I don't know you, I can tell you this- no one is perfect. Not me, not you, not anybody. You probably weren't a perfect husband. You probably have made mistakes, big and small.

But here's the relevant question- did you ever decide that the answer to the shortcomings of your wife was to become intimate with someone else?

The answer sounds like it's a no. Her answer is very clearly a yes. You abided by your commitments. She didn't. So you are NOT a bad person, no matter what other faults you may have. This was 100% her actions. They are not your fault.

I am so sorry you are here. There are many good people here, but it's a bummer to have to join.

I'm a few months in now, and have a wayward wife who has made a habit of telling me this is all my fault. It isn't. It's not your fault.

Others will come along soon with highly specific advice. It may seem harsh. But after the shock of reading what they say, read it again. And maybe again. Because they are probably right.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to turn the other direction and start walking away. (Look up the "simplified 180" on the forum.) If she does the right things, you might be able to save it. If she doesn't, you will already be in the right mindset to move on.

My mantra has been "Get strong or get played." It's helped.

Nothing about this is easy, and I am so sorry you're having to go through it.

[This message edited by Slanted at 10:43 AM, January 17th (Friday)]

Jameson1977 posted 1/17/2020 10:43 AM

Hi Jej188, welcome, I'm sorry for what you have discovered. We have all been there.

First, I commend you for not killing the OM.

One thing to always remember, you aren't at fault for your wife's cheating. We as betrayed spouses do have responsibility for our part in the marriage, but zero responsibility for our partners choosing to cheat.

I wouldn't recommend rug sweeping this. It will eat away at you. Sounds like she is re-writing the marital history, standard cheater MO. It's the only way for rational people to justify their shitty actions.

I would recommend taking control of the situation. If she wants to stay married, she has a lot of work to do, to figure out why she felt she justified in blowing up your family. You and her should get STD testing done. You should notify the other man's wife or GF if he has one. Affairs thrive in secrecy. I would also have her write a timeline of the affair for you.

If she doesn't want to or waffles on your requests, it really does show you how much you mean to her. When people show you their true selves, believe them.

Rustylife posted 1/17/2020 11:27 AM

I have seen other people go through a divorce and lose everything.

This is a misconception that many people(especially men) have. You don't know that for sure. Are you the sole breadwinner? Get a free consultation with an attorney, research into divorce laws in your state. You'll get a better picture of what a standard divorce looks like wrt visitation, custody, alimony etc.

Nobody knows about this besides us

Change that. You don't need to be a martyr. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Tell her sister and family. Leave your wife alone for a while. Don't get into any further talks with her regarding this. If you feel comfortable enough, share it with a confidant who will be there for you. Someone who won't gossip about this.
Individual counseling to clear your head up is highly recommended. Take care of your health.

Do you know the other guy? Is he married? How did your wife meet him? If they are coworkers, I'd register a complaint with their boss. If he's in a relationship, I'd inform his SO.

Sucks that you're here but there are ways out of this. You don't have to resign yourself to a life of misery. But it requires decisive action.

beenthereinco posted 1/17/2020 12:01 PM

Hi Jej,
So sorry you are here. You've come to a safe good place though. When you say this:

She wants to keep the family together and not upset the dynamic of the kids lives, so basically stay married and I guess play pretend for them.

Does she mean she wants to keep dating the POSOM but stay married to you? Is she willing to give up this guy or is she asking you to live with her having a BF?

brokenInDenver posted 1/17/2020 12:12 PM

Jej... I am so sorry your wife put you in this position. I'm so sorry you are one of us now but your right... this is a good, safe place to let some hurt go. I agree with blackstar that staying in a corrupt marriage for the sake of your children is not a good idea. They will learn that marriage is emotionless and bitter when it can be so much more. Having said that... I do not recommend making any big decisions anytime soon. You just found out... you're in hell and will be for months to come. You need to give yourself time to let your emotions settle and your rational mind return. I highly recommend individual counseling, it has helped me more than I thought possible. Find a counselor you connect with. Read the 180 in the healing library and take care of yourself. Hang in there brother.

PassThis posted 1/17/2020 12:12 PM

Jej188,

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position. You have started already to get good advice from SI posters. You will get a lot more as your situation develops. The week-end may be slow, but soon you will be flooded with posts from people have walked the walk and who can help you.

First, however, you must implement the 180 process. Please read about it on this site. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180 is counter-intuitive, but it is the best way to get to either reconciliation (R) or divorce (D), with your best interests in mind. Do not do the "Pick Me Dance." A husband, associated with the wandering wife (WW) for years and the day-to-day vicissitudes of everyday life, can not compete with the new relationship excitement, the thrill of the chase, the high from being naughty, and the state of being purely selfish with an other man (OM) in a fantasy world. If you tried, you would make yourself look weak and pathetic. Instead, show strength of character and demand that she respect you. Do not lose your cool. If you do, you will only give her more justification that she is entitled to an affair, where she is the prize; that are are the asshole. She is not the prize. YOU are the prize. YOU are the loving husband that she is cheating on, and is about to lose. SHE is in deep sh*t, and she willingly put herself there.

Second, demand NO CONTACT (NC) with the OM. She must write a no-nonsense email, that you read and approve before it is sent (or make a phone call in your presence on speaker).The OM must be blocked on all channels of communication (email, text, Facebook, Instagram, any other messaging apps). If there is any future contact, she must inform you immediately. She must give up her OM, immediately and FOREVER. A marriage is between two people, not a husband, a wife and her boyfriend.

Third, you must demand full disclosure (timeline, all other details) about the nature and extent of the cheating. You can not reconcile, accept and forgive anything if you do not know what it is that you are dealing with. Often, cheaters will only disclose only that which you already know. They will deny, deny, and deny again. They will minimize. They will lie. They are in self-protection mode. You must be clear from the start that lying, by commission or omission, is not tolerable and will lead to separation and divorce. The lying is typically the biggest risk to the marriage than the underlying betrayal because it amplifies the betrayal and disrespect.

She must eliminate all people in her life that are "enemies of the marriage". That is, people who knew about the affair, encouraged it, facilitated it. Those people are toxic to the marriage, and must go.

Have her turn over to you ALL of her electronic device and passwords. She has lost the privilege of privacy. You must be able to review the communication between the darling couple so that you fully know/understand the extent of the affair. Do NOT allow her to erase/delete her communications. There is software that can be used to recover deleted content. Posters will explain your options. Throughout the process you should be able to check her communications so that you can monitor compliance with NC.

Consider using voice activated recorders (VAR) placed in her car or other areas where she might talk to her OM, family or friends. This information is not for legal proceedings, but just for your information. Cheaters lie and betray. You are entitled to protect yourself and use countermeasures to fight against this betrayal. There will be other suggestions by posters as to methods/procedures for these purposes.

Disclosure of the affair to her and your family, ministers/pastors/priests, etc. should be considered. Her actions have consequences. She should be held accountable. Many posters will have suggestions as to how/when those disclosures should be made.

If the guy is a coworker, one of them must leave. You can't assure NC if they see each other at work. As long as there is contact, the affair is ongoing.

As part of the 180, stop all emotional and financial support for her. She has a boyfriend for her emotional needs. She "fired" you from that role. The consequences for that is that you no longer need to be stuck with only the "provider" role. She has to earn your support. She has to fix herself before you start to work together to fix the marriage. She should go to individual counseling (IC) to figure out the whys for her affair. DO NOT go to marriage counseling (MC). MC is to fix the marriage, at all costs, usually at the expense of the betrayed. MC encourages the betrayed spouse (BS) to accept what is done is done and to move on (rug sweeping). The wayward spouse (WS) is allowed to blame-shift so that the issues with the BS prior to the affair are to blame and the affair is just a symptom. That is bullshit. You were both in the same marriage, you did not cheat. Marital issues may be a 50/50 responsibility, but the affair is 100% her responsibility. It has nothing to do with you. She has a major character flaw. You may also need to seek IC to help you through this shit-storm, which is not of your making.

You should go interview several (at least three) lawyers. You must know what are the legal processes and consequences, including financial, for separation, divorce, child custody, etc.

Consider separating your assets and finances. Set up your own bank accounts and put 50% of your cash in your accounts. Have your paycheck sent to your account. Do not let her use your assets to finance her affair.

Posters, like Thumos, will provide you with excellent detail about a "non-negotiable package" that you must demand for you to start the long, arduous task of rebuilding your marriage.

Do not just stay for the kids. They can feel that something is wrong. They should have two happy parents who love them dearly, even if those parents do not remain married to each other. Unhappy parents, who co-habitate for the kids, is not a good environment.

Please post as much detail of the nature and extent of the affair, actions/feeling/etc by you and your WW, and related developments. SI posters are most effective when they have those details and can tailor their comments/advice to your situation. Remember, all of this is anonymous. However, NEVER let your WW find out about this site. This is your safe place. If she reads your posts and the advice that you are given, she gets the tremendous benefit of the counterintelligence information.

Your goal is to get out of infidelity asap. SI posters will, without doubt, be a valuable resource and source of support while you are going through this.

Sending strength and support.

[This message edited by PassThis at 1:49 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 1/17/2020 12:13 PM

Welcome to the club you never wanted to be part of.

You are in shock, and that is totally understandable right now. You have rec'd some good advice so far, but let's try to sum it up and make a to do list for you so you can start to triage this mess.

1. Call several family law attorneys get appointments for next week. Do NOT tell your wife you are doing this. You are now in a situation where the only absolute thing you know for sure is that you cannot trust her.

2. Call your Dr or go to a free clinic and get full STD testing, this will include blood work. While it may seem embarrassing to see your regular Dr it can also be helpful. You have undergone a major trauma and as such you may benefit from their support in things like a referral to a therapist (this is a trauma unlike anything you have gone through) or medications to help you get out of the fight/flight mode, and actually be able to sleep and eat (many us needed a little pharma support early on). There is no shame in this, you weren't the one to commit adultery.

3. Make her tell you who this OM is and if he has a spouse, or GF and if he does you need to let that person know as A's tend to die in the bright light of reality.

4. Figure out what boundaries you are unwilling to accept, and what things you need her to do to be a safe partner. These things include things like a time line, STD testing, Polygraph, transparency w/ electronics. Boundaries like breaking No contact with AP, Not being transparent, Blaming you for her brokenness. When figuring those out also figure out what consequences she will face should she not do meet expectations or follow the boundaries. Like kicking her out of the bedroom, kicking her out of the marital home.
In other prepare for every potential outcome, and what you will do.

Right now she is clearly not making your kids a priority so you need to. They deserve one parent that is healthy, and one that demands their partner treat them with resepect, love, and kindness. She isn't doing that right now.

Lastly do NOT ever use the "Stay together for the kids" as a reason to stay together. This never ends well. Resentment builds, it is horrible example of what M should be, and it isn't what is best for your kids.

Marz posted 1/17/2020 12:17 PM

Am I really this bad of a person, that she is saying" Nobody knows about this besides us.

One thing cheaters have in common. They lie a lot.

This is a typical marital history rewrite. Pretty typical. Itís used to put her affair action on you. Bud, her affair was a very conscious decision she made. It had nothing to do with you. Wake up quick or youíll get in worse shape than you are.

Go online and check your phone bill and get her affair partners info. If heís married inform his wife without warning. Do not tell your wife anything. Do not skip this. Itís your crucial first step.

Affairs only thrive in secrecy and darkness. Exposure is your best method to try and stop the affair. If you take no action you will just enable this further.

When they bring their lovers into your home itís a whole new level of disrespect to you and your family.

You are in shock and afraid. Wake up quickly if not you will linger in this longer. Not a good place to be.

She has destroyed your marriage and family. You did nothing to deserve this.

Mr. Kite posted 1/17/2020 14:39 PM

She had all the reasons why I wasn't a good husband and how she has been unhappy for so long.

It's eerie how cheaters follow pretty much the same script once they are caught. It's almost like they get together somewhere and compare notes. See, if she can get you to believe it's somehow your fault, then she won't have to deal with the reality that she's a broken, shameless individual.

Am I really this bad of a person, that she is saying

Consider this, you and her were in the same marriage and going through the same trials and tribulations, yet you were faithful and she wasn't. So who's the bad person here?

fooled13years posted 1/17/2020 15:16 PM

Jej188, BREATH! I know it doesn't seem like it right now but you and the kids will be alright.

I do not know what to do. She wants to keep the family together and not upset the dynamic of the kids lives

Um...NO! If her goal was to not upset the dynamic of the kids lives she would not have cheated.

She is only thinking of them now that she has been caught when she should have thought of them long before this.

Part of me wants that so bad, but another part wants to run

It is normal to have both of these feelings. You don't need to make any decision right now other than to take care of yourself and the kids.
Am I really this bad of a person, that she is saying

No, No one deserves what she has done.
Nobody knows about this besides us

I know you think this but the fact is the other guy knows about this and if there is anyone close to the two of you they can see that something is not right.

Do you know the other guy?

Is he married? Has a girlfriend?

I know the feelings I had when I told others about what happened but because I did I had the support of family, friends, coworkers and management.

I found all of that to be very helpful.

You might want to let people who are close to you know what's going on so that you can gain their support.

I was up all night and found this forum

I am sorry for the reason you found this site but you are now amongst friends.
it seemed like a good place to let some of this hurt go

Agreed. I too find this site and the opinions shared here to be a good place to blow off some steam. I also find exercise to be good to blow off steam. Don't let everything build up to the point that you blow up.

Are the two of you in the same house?

You might consider having a voice recorder any time that the two of you interact.

Smillie posted 1/17/2020 15:19 PM

Hi Jej, this is not your fault. She has chosen her own actions and you have not pushed her to do anything.

I feel concerned for you because your wife and her affair partner sound quite brazen. Many people have affairs but few have the balls to bring them to the home. I think you should be very careful with her. Get legal representation immediately.

ShutterHappy posted 1/17/2020 16:05 PM

She had all the reasons why I wasn't a good husband and how she has been unhappy for so long

This is very very typical of cheaters.

The thing is nobody wants to be labeled a cheater. Nobody wants to be the "bad guy". Cheaters cheat for whatever selfish reason. Then they wonder why would they do something considered bad. Itís not possible.... How could it be explained?

It must be somebodyís else fault. Maybe the cheater was unhappy all this time? Maybe it was a bad marriage? That must be it! It canít possibly the cheaterís fault, it must be something else, or somebody else.

And then, in JFO, one reads, day after day, month after months, year after year, the good old "I was unhappy".

Your WW doesnít want to be the bad guy. She cheated. She hurt her spouse tremendously. She broke her family. She hurt her children. But sheíll take none of the responsibility. She had no problem hurting you that much, and she doesnít have a problem adding to the pile. As long as she feels good about herself, itís all good.

It takes a very very selfish person to cheat. She is selfish. And of course, sheíll invent this story to shift the blame to you.

Cheating doesnít fix an unhappy marriage. Itís like saying: you donít earn enough for a family vacation, so I robbed a bank and shot 2 two people. ITíS ALL YOUR FAULT. Errrr no.

Donít accept that. An adultererís DECISION to cheat is 100% on the cheater.

Stumblingon posted 1/17/2020 16:12 PM

So sorry you had to make such a crushing discovery. I know how hard it is to even think about leaving your kids. Before I went through this I always thought it was pointless staying together for the sake of kids. What I didnít understand was that you donít stay for the pretense, you stay because whatever your partner has done the kids are innocent and the thought of divorcing them is heart wrenching.
Wishing you strength and peace to help your family through this horrible time whatever path you choose.

Jej188 posted 1/20/2020 06:59 AM

Thank you all for the messages. It really helps knowing that you are not alone and people care enough to write and help. I have read the 180 that was brought to my attention. This weekend she went to her parents, and we had some quick conversations. I had the boys. I dont know if that helped or not. It was great that we had the weekend, but it made it harder thinking about them and like another person said "divorcing them". I am going to start seeing lawyers to see what my options are. Many people said at least three. It is so hard to gather the strength to do what you know you have to do. Thank you all again

KingofNothing posted 1/20/2020 09:08 AM

Jej.

You are NOT divorcing your children. They will not go away. You have every right to protect yourself from infidelity. Your kids, and yourself, are casualties of your wifeís stupid, harmful decisions. She destroyed your marriage. You may be responsible for your half of the marriage, but your wifeís adultery was 100% on her. Nobody but her. Donít let her gaslight you into thinking an affair is acceptable because she was unhappy. She is trying to rationalize this to make you the bad guy. You are not that guy at all. You are just a dad who loves his family, trying to do his best for them. Sometimes the best you can do is divorcing a wife who isnít remorseful for the destruction she caused. People coparent all the time, and the kids adapt.

I know that it is sad. Your wife just betrayed you in the worst way possible. Do you really want to live in this sadness forever? Thatís what life will be if you pretend everything is fine. You deserve to be happy, too. As for her.. she doesnít deserve much at all. Why keep her secrets? Why be complicit in her affair? You didnít do anything wrong. Tell the truth. Tell her parents and friends. Donít let her control anything about this.

Buffer posted 1/24/2020 02:47 AM

Brother Jej
Crap 💩
Yes there is one book cheaters get their quotes from, just the tone of delivery differs. She made the conscious decision to get naked with this POS. Not you!
Get medical checked as she has put you and your childrenís life at risk.
Seen legal advice from a good lawyer, not the cheapest one. You need to know your rights and responsibilities.
WW and her AP are like cockroaches they thrive in the dark. Shine a light on it exspose it to all. Family, friends, work if the POS is a coworker, let the children know dad and mum are having difficulties and that they both love and support them. They donít need to know why.
If she works cancel all joint cards and accounts.
So she canít ferret money off to set her and POS up.
If POS has a SO let them know.
There is no pressure to make a long term relationship decisions right now. Your emotions will be up and down for weeks or even months.
Take one day at a time. I am unsure by your post if WW wants to remain in the marriage but go out dating OM, or she wants you to rug sweep the A and remain together for the children only.
Do what feels right for you. But donít accept her demands without proper advice. Legal, Financial, IC for you.

One day at a time
Buffer

[This message edited by Buffer at 3:05 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

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