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betrayed wife

Marlita posted 1/21/2020 22:24 PM

on 6/24/18
it will 3 years since I found out....
I still haven't forgiven him. let alone accept it.
Again we met in 2008, got married 7/6/13.
No kids together, as I was a single mom then.
i'm still angry and jaded.
We were SO in love then.....but this has still rocked my world!
Not sure if I can ever forgive him, as my kids see him as the ultimate father and man.
Things will NEVER be the same between us....no matter what.
I just cant get over it and am dying inside.
I certainly do not trust him.
I wish I could find someone else.....without sacrificing my situation.
any words of wisdom?

pearlamici posted 1/21/2020 22:40 PM

Hello Marlita - (what a beautiful name) yeah - rocked my world too - nothing between us will ever be the same - still together (almost 6 years post D-day) I stayed, because he asked me to - (and I guess when at first you're grasping at straws and want everything to go back to what it was - or what you thought it was) ... but to really help could you give us any more details? Is he remorseful? Was it a ONS or a long term emotional or physical affair - the details do make a difference.

FEEL posted 1/21/2020 23:16 PM

Sorry for your situation.

Interesting that you wish to find someone else without sacrificing your situation. Based upon your post you are angry, in a place where you can't forgive, you are dying inside, a place of not trusting him. I dunno but seems like I could do with sacrificing all that to find someone new.

At the end of the day you can be all those things and unless you do something (I'm assuming he's not which is a big part of the reason your feeling those things almost 3 years out) then your going to continue down this path. Obviously you (we all have been) dealt a sh_t sandwich and it sucks. But if things are not changing and he's not putting in the work then its up to you to make changes if you want to be happier. Feeling all those things isn't going to change the situation. No one owns your happiness but you.

You know your situation best and you know how likely you are to find (or not find) yourself in the same situation in another 2 years (5 years after you found out). Ask yourself if you feel it's a likely risk that could happen? If there is ask yourself what YOU are going to do to ensure that doesn't happen.

The1stWife posted 1/22/2020 06:58 AM

I see this fairly often.

How about you focus in YOU - in terms of your happiness. Heal yourself. Get passed the Anger. Build up your confidence.

In this stare what are you really bringing to the table in another relationship? Hurt, anger, mistrust - all the issues from the past relationship.

A relationship is supposed to enhance your happiness.

If you cannot physically leave your home then mentally you need to heal. Just because you heal doesnít t mean you forget the cheating - but you deal with it and move past letting it define your life.

Is he doing anything to make amends or repair the damage?

Marlita posted 1/24/2020 19:54 PM

Pearlamici,
Thank you.
He says heís remorseful, but the trust is gone.
This was not a ONS.....are you ready?
Let me put it this way, I found out right before our 5 year wedding anniversary, that he had been with her for 14 years!
When I met him, he lived out of state.
He loved ďhuntingĒ, so he would go back often to do her, I mean so (hunt).
He says heís changed and has definitely shown it, but......Iím a bad forgiver & an even worse grudge holder.
I gave him my ALL.
Iíve definitely made strides, but itís ALWAYS there.

Marlita posted 1/24/2020 20:01 PM

FEEL,
WOW! Thank you for your openness!
I guess Iím learning from this situation, that itís changed me more!
I feel like a complete fool, let alone revengeful!
I canít even bring myself to be with anyone else, AND I actually put through the effort to try.
I backed out last minute!
I wish I could dispose of him, albeit most of him is already disposed to me.
I feel like Iím in an arranged marriage to a man I would have NEVER chosen!
Still working through this...
Iím just in a low valley of the ups & downs right now.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/25/2020 10:47 AM

I am really sorry about your situation.

I felt the punch in the gut when you wrote how long this went on before you were married.

You admit to having looked elsewhere for companionship. This to me says it all. I hate to say it but unless you are absolutely financially tied to him you need to seriously consider moving on.
You sound as though you are stuck in a place of anger and even though he may be trying to repair it, you continue (which is expected by the way) to harbor anger and mistrust.
A 15 year A is a VERY long time and to be honest, I would have serious doubts that he has been NC since you found out.
Any decision you make has to be about YOU and your happiness moving forward. I would not waste another minute considering how long he was lying to you coupled with the fact that you looked elsewhere.

The1stWife posted 1/26/2020 09:10 AM

He was with her for 14 years and then married you?

Run! Run away from him.

Heís sorry he got caught. His actions show that he will always put himself first.

Heal yourself. Iím suggesting a video that helped me tremendously. Itís by Will Smith and itís in YouTube. Itís called Fault vs Responsibility.

Itís not your fault the affair occurred. But itís your responsibility to heal yourself. Think of a car accident. Someone hits your car and you end up with a broken leg. Not your fault the accident occurred. But itís your responsibility to go to therapy until your leg is healed.

Heal yourself. And then see how you view things and make the next decisions based on your new strength and outlook.

I hope this helps you.

Marlita posted 1/28/2020 20:11 PM

The1stWife,
Thank you.
Yes, I found out 5 years into our marriage that he had been with her for 14 years!
However, I (we..& I say that loosely) just raised my kids, from a previous marriage, to adulthood.
So,put yourself in my shoes for a minute....
We just moved to our dream vacation home & I donít have to work.
For me to leave, without a backup plan, I feel, would be foolish.
Although the love is lost, I pretty much have it made.....at his expense!
He works.
I have definitely grown stronger within myself, but am willing to let him continue to pay my way.
Do I trust him? NO.
Do I love him? Barely.
Do I take care of him the way I used to? NO
Do I care about where he is? NO
Do I care about what he does on his phone! NO
He is truly hurting & I donít care.
Iíve thrown away EVERY single memory of ďusĒ....from my wedding ring, pictures, unfriended him on any of my social media, along with deleting every tag and or picture!
Heís replaced the ring with a bigger & better one, along with the vehicles sheís been in.
Does it matter or make him better? NOPE, not to me!
Let someone else have him....
But until I find a better route... Iím still here for the ďbenefitsĒ.
He knows how I feel......
So why would I leave now?
Maybe Iím crazy, but thereís a definite. ď I donít give a $hitĒ mentality!
Feel free to respond, Iíd love to hear....

Cooley2here posted 1/28/2020 21:01 PM

Who IS this woman. Why would she let herself be his mistress. Did he support her? Is she married? He is probably terrified he is going to lose a chuck of money if you divorce.

Marlita posted 1/28/2020 21:35 PM

Coleey2here,
Thank you for responding.
This woman was his backup.
Was she married? I donít know.
Apparently her daughter found me on Facebook & saw that we got married!
He apparently took her punches & told her a crock of bologna!
She was in the picture way before me apparently!
And as far as I know, & who even really knows what he told her, they both continued!
Is he scared? He should be! Because he did this to the wrong woman! I can certainly rake him over the coals,but I rather make him suffer every day! He clearly sees the disconnect between he & I! And GOOD!
I am very distant, but will not let myself hang out to dry!
Let him pay my bills! I call the shots now.
He knows that I barely care about him, but being able to live my current lifestyle, until I find someone better, I honestly donít care what he does.
Our communication is minimal & itís killing him.
Iíve become so independent now, that we are actually living separate lives!
Iím beyond caring about him, his health & who & what he does!
Heís practically dead to me, but I play along! Let him pay my way......
Btw, Iím far from an ugly duckling & other men are starting to notice!
Where my door used to be shut to any other opportunities, is now wide open!
The hard part for me, is actually following through with it.
Iím just biding my time....poor fool betrayed the WRONG woman.
I believe in Karma, so Iím being as patient as I can!
Thank you again & Iím always open to more feedback!

The1stWife posted 1/28/2020 22:11 PM

I like your style!!!!! Good for you for making sure you are #1 and taking full advantage of his $.

Yiu are right he messed with the wrong person! ROFLMAO

Marlita posted 1/28/2020 22:25 PM

The1stWife....
Thank you so much for your support!
That means a lot!!!
😘

Thatsnotlove posted 2/3/2020 21:12 PM

I know you are hurting but I think you are.so angry you are willing to become like him, a cheater. You are toying with the idea. You will lose the good person you were. It is time to exercise and direct that hurt into strength. Work on growing and learning a skill that you can be self sufficient. Your feelings sound like a life of torture. That is no way to live. It is ok for you to be hurt, your feelings are yours. But you hold the power you choose who you give your heart to and when to open it back up. You do have the power here but revenge and bitterness make for a young beautiful woman to become an old ugly bitter woman inside and out. Take this problem to your creator not to the world. There is a lot of good advice and learning to be gained here but I suspect he has money and thinks he can buy off your forgiveness or that perhaps he can buy sex with it. But you must also realize a lot of men think that way.so do not rely on others and what they can give you. Make yourself into God's daughter. Your value comes from God, not from man. God places you on a pedestal of high value and respect. A man needs to earn your respect through proper behavior. There are many good men on SI that would not do this to you. Educate yourself.on the 180 in the healing library, use it, or move on. Don't become the angry manipulator. Be God's deserving princess. You can do this sister the bitterness hurts you. He can replace you but you can not replace yourself. This stress ages and sickens a person so you go get some rest and exercise and some good fun with a girlfriend or 2. Take care

Age 52 WH 60 M 25 YRS

The1stWife posted 2/4/2020 05:18 AM

I think he deserves whatever he gets.

Let his money provide for you until you donít need him or it any longer. I like your exit strategy.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 2/4/2020 08:51 AM

Marlita, you are my soul sister!

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