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Cheated on - Twice

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Jeannette88 posted 1/23/2020 16:54 PM

Newbie here. Thanks for listening. I found out husband cheated on me - twice. I had my suspicions since he was texting at odd times and all the time and having long phone calls with the same number (this was back in April 2019). He said it was a coworker he was helping who was having legal issues. I asked why not send her to me since I work in the legal field? Anyhow, he dismissed it; saying I was crazy, that there was nothing there. I kept looking through his phone/telephone logs and didn't see the number anymore (late found out it was because he got a second phone to hide and communicate with her).
First day I confirmed/found him out was 9/16/19. He claimed to go to work but he took the day off to be with her. I kicked him out of the house and a week later he begged to return and I took him back - no promises. I was devastated, we went to counseling; thought we could work on our marriage (we've been married 24 years; dated 7 years; 31 years with this man). Fast forward 12/26/19 and 10 counseling sessions later, I went through his bag and found he had another cell phone. He never stopped seeing the other woman, even when going to the therapy sessions - he was lying through his teeth. I destroyed the phone - which I now regret because I should have kept it and gone through it thoroughly. I think he even videotaped themselves having sex (I never saw it, but I told him I did just to see what he would say and he said that's what he was afraid of). I know I should leave him. He's been dishonest and just awful. He also has gotten into so much debt ($52K) and he can't tell me what he has spent the money on. I am paralyzed. I can't believe I am still with him. I loved the man I thought I married. This real man I don't know - it's like living with a stranger. I am working up the courage to leave him, but I am not ready yet. I am afraid to be alone. I have been with him for more than half my life. I pray to God to give me the courage to wake up one day and feel nothing and just leave. What is wrong with me?

sorryforeverythi posted 1/23/2020 17:11 PM

Hi Jeannette,
I am sorry that this happened to you but I am glad you found us.

Firstly, There is nothing wrong with you.

This isn't your fault.

He chose to do it and that is all that needs to be said.

You are here and we can help, we will let you know our thoughts but you might not like them.

Taking him back was probably not good but that is in the past.

You need to decided, do you really want to be with a man that did this to you.

Either way make a choice, that is the first step. 31 years is a lot of time but if you take a good honest look at your relationship you will start to see the cracks.

Every relationship has bumps, none are perfect but you need to understand you will have a life after him if you chose to.

You are your own unique and beautiful person and never doubt that.

He is a selfish prick that only cares about his needs. Tell yourself that, repeat it every time you need to.

Talk to your friends, talk to a therapist. Get over the shock and guilt and anger and see it for what it is. A petty, careless, piece of trash that didn't care about your needs only about his.

Come back and post anything, we are here to help. There are many others here that will jump in, we care and we all have been wounded with the same weapons so we know what it feels like and what it takes to heal.

Get a lawyer, get evidence, decide your path and start making a plan.

I feel for you and wish you didn't have to join our club but you are here now so use us to help you heal.

Smillie posted 1/23/2020 17:35 PM

He will probably continue to lie and cheat until he faces real consequences for his actions. There are two or three very effective things you can do.

1) File for divorce

2) Expose him to family and friends.

3) Find out information about her and expose her to her family and friends.

4) If it is a work place affair then report them to HR.

I recommend executing options 1, 2 and 3. It will give you a feeling of control over the situation which it sounds like you need. You might not want to do option 4 unless you are financially secure.

Any actions you take should not be discussed with him at all because he “can’t be trusted” at the moment. Please remember that “HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED AT ALL” at the moment.

He may start being more honest after his little fantasy has been destroyed. He will try to protect her at all costs so, sadly, it is up to you to bring it all crashing down on him. Wishing you strength. Keep posting.

Throwaway999 posted 1/23/2020 18:06 PM

Welcome...I am very truly sorry you are here. I also found out recently about my WH long term affair so I know exactly the gut wrenching feelings you are going through. My advice is to put on your investigative hat and first demand passwords to everything. If he doesn’t cooperate hack as much as you can. Then start looking at his google searches, texts and emails, credit cards charges etc. All so you know where you stand.

Also I found a lot of articles in the healing library really about the 180. It’s hard but you have to create an emotional distance from him as much as you can. Get yourself an IC who specializes in infidelity and trauma. This is a huge trauma and the after effects last a long time.

My heart goes out to are stronger than your think.

ChamomileTea posted 1/23/2020 18:37 PM

I know you're scared. Heck, we all were in the JFO phase. I had been married for just as long too, so I understand how it feels like your whole life has just dropped away from beneath your feet. But there's time to grieve later. Right now, your WH has already spent $52,000. You need to see to the practical side of things so close to retirement.

See an attorney. Get tested for STD's. Build a support network around you of people you trust. Get a good therapist. Indulge your body in good self-care. And don't leave your home unless/until an attorney tells you it's for the best.

((big hugs))

BearlyBreathing posted 1/23/2020 21:15 PM

What Chamomile said. Get to a lawyer (or three) and learn your options because knowledge is power. Make sure you learn how to protect your assets and retirement. Do this right away!!

Avoid alcohol (ask me how I know :-(. )

IC was a lifesaver for me.

Take care of yourself.

Read in the healing library— upper left yellow box.

Hang in there. You will get through it.

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 03:01 AM

I’m sorry you had to have Dday2. Been there too.

I thought we were reconciling and he was still cheating. Dday2 was rather an interesting day b/c I had been saving my $ (just in case) and when I found out the affair had been on-going I had enough.

Earlier that day he walked in the door and demanded a D. Third or fourth time in two months I heard that. I finally had enough. I was devastated yet again. And then the you know what hit the fan.

I told him very calmly I was divorcing him and he was free to go and be with the OW or anyone else he chooses. And I was doing this b/c he left me no choice. I. Was. Done!!!

At that moment I started calling the shots. I did the hard 180. I only spoke to him in front of kids. If kids were home he could eat dinner with us. If no kids were around for dinner, I did not cook for him. No laundry, errands, favors, etc.

He never expected me to stand up to him and assert myself.

I had every intention of D him. When I told him he had to leave he said no. I picked up the phone and called a friend and had a plan that he was leaving. I wasn’t listening to him at all. He finally realized he messed with the wrong person.

He begged to reconcile. I demanded a post nup to even consider it. He willingly signed it. It excludes my assets from being considered marital assets in case of a D.

I’m not saying the 180 will stop him from cheating but it will stop you from being lied to and disrespected. You will he setting a tone that his behavior is not tolerated.

Use these next few months to get your $ in order. Get your name OFF his debt. If they are credit cards you need to either cancel them OR change it to an account in his name Only. Possible his debt is spent on the OW. Get copies of those statements before you cancel so you can see where the $ went.

Have a consult with an attorney or two just to get an idea of what you are facing in terms of Alimony and/or child support. Some consults are free.

Open your own bank account and have your paycheck (if you work) deposited there. Don’t have the statements mailed to your home - only get email statements.

If you live in a state where you can sue the OW for alienation of affection - do it!! Make her pay you for up-ending your life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:52 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 1/24/2020 11:35 AM

The1stWife, I never tire of reading your story. I love that you share your wisdom and strength with others who are or who have walked your same path.

Jeannette, please listen to those who have the experience to help guide you out of this mess. It will help save you a lot of pain in the long run.

I'm sorry you have found yourself here.

squid posted 1/24/2020 11:56 AM

I will echo what Smillie said 1000%.

Expose, expose, expose. And then file for divorce. Or whatever order you like. But do it today. RIGHT NOW.

Some may say you don't have to make any major decisions now. But when you have a wayward that is continually lying and cheating then your only recourse is to completely blow up the fantasy. Because he will surely continue to grossly disrespect until you push back with some hard core consequences.

If after some time you decide that he still is worthy of your love after he has done the work then you can think about reconciling. But today, right now, needs to be about destroying his delusion. Take away the cake.

Have a good read at The1stWife's reply.

Sorry you are here.

fooled13years posted 1/24/2020 11:58 AM

Jeannette88, you asked your WH

why not send her to me since I work in the legal field?

I know your mind and your heart may not be synced right now and your emotions might be all over the place, so let me asked you this:

If you had the opportunity to represent a client who you knew was lying and you would have to go under oath in court, would you still take the case?

Jeannette88 posted 1/24/2020 13:01 PM

To Sorryforeverything:
Thank you for your kind words and message. I have a couple of people I confide in and they have been a tremendous help. I am trying to get stronger everyday to leave him. I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore and he knows that too. I told him that wearing means I have am in a committed relationship. He didn't wear his for a long time. That should have been a sign. He was out there sending signals that he was available. Well, I guess that is my intention right now too. I want a new husband - someone who will appreciate everything I have to offer and wants to be in a committed/exclusive relationship. I am not one to share partners. What's the point of being married if that's the case?

To Smillie: His brother and my sister in law know. They were so disappointed and just in shock knowing what a good liar he is! His brother told him to wake the hell up - how is he going to throw more for less? I am considering divorce, just not ready to go there just yet. His employer talked to him - I think someone at work complained about them, so they are being investigated. He may lose his job if that's the case, which would not be a good thing, but if that's what has to happened, it will be a costly lesson. Unfortunately, that brings me and my family down (we have 2 grown kids who still live at home and depend on his health insurance).

To Chamomile Tea: We have gone for STD testing (humiliating) and thank God all is normal. We went twice (the first time I found him out and this last time). He didn't use protection. I asked him what gave him the right to put my health/life at risk?

To 1st Wife: Thank you for your story. I don't know if I can sue the OW in California. I did confront her - she is trash, just wanted to see if with my own two eyes. She's also here illegally, so she doesn't have any financial means for me to benefit from. I did contemplate calling ICE on her, but I will let Karma take care of her. However, she owes me no loyalty, she's a natural fornicator. My Husband however, is the one who promised to love and honor me - he's the one who committed to me, so I hold him responsible. We are civil right now to each other, but I am trying to get emotionally separated from him so I can let him go. Living with him is just too strange. I need to find the 180 article you're referring to, can you please share the link? And yes, I have opened my own bank account (I did that when I had my suspicions back in April - he knows there is not money in the savings - he asked - I told him that money is gone, just like the way he cannot account for the $52K I cannot account for the savings!)

To Squid and Hurt My Heart: Thank you for your words of support! Hearing from kind souls like yourselves gives me strength - God bless!

To Fooled 13 years:
"If you had the opportunity to represent a client who you knew was lying and you would have to go under oath in court, would you still take the case?" Well, I'm not an attorney - just work with them! If I were though, I would NOT - it would be going against my nature and it would also be unethical!

fareast posted 1/24/2020 16:08 PM

Hi Jeanette88:

Sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive good support. In the yellow box on this page upper left is the healing library. Click on the healing library. Lots of excellent info there. Click on the heading “ Articles” and you will find material discussing the 180. Basically a technique to help you detach and catch your bearings from your WH. You minimize your contact and stop doing things for him. No laundry, cooking, or errands. This is not to punish him but to give you space. You do not have t9 be nasty. You can be civil. But you are moving on with your life. Good luck.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/24/2020 16:42 PM

Yes Jeannette, you deserve better. Way better! I want you to be strong for yourself. I don't like the way your WH is mistreating you. Don't allow it to continue. You are strong!

Smillie posted 1/24/2020 17:52 PM

It is not the time to be nice. She is sucking you dry. If you need to report her to immigration then do it. You are getting to the angry stage and taking swift action will give you a feeling of control and will make you feel a lot better.

[This message edited by Smillie at 6:37 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 20:28 PM

The 180 - you can google it (impotent the 180) or go to the Healing Library in the upper left here at Surviving Infidelity by the Dr Phil picture. You can find the info there.

Basically the 180 is you are no longer get his wife. He is on his own. You don’t expect anything from him. And you don’t provide anything to him. No meals, laundry, errands, favors, assistance, answers to stupid questions like where is the toothpaste or how do I operate the washing machine. NOTHING!!!!!


Thank you all who wrote such nice things about my responses. Just trying to provide insight on what I did that helped me get out from his playing me like a yo-yo. On dday2 he had ended it but he thought he would take it to his grave. He NEVER expected I would call the OW and she wound throw him under the bus (hoping I wound throw him out and he’d go running into her open arms ).

When I went and confronted him (very calmly I might add) he looked stunned 😳 and never expected me to respond the way I did. I was done crying. But the badass in me was in full swing lol.

It comes down to the betrayed’s sanity or the cheater continuing their destructive behavior. I chose my sanity. No spouse is worth all that, sorry to say.

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 20:31 PM

As from the Lizzo song🎼

He don’t love you anymore, so walk your fine ass out the door

Amen to that!

The1stWife posted 1/24/2020 20:35 PM

Copied from the Healing Library. Posted by SerJR

The Healing Library
The Simplified 180

It's been a few years since I've read through the 180 bullet list, despite understanding the basic fundamental point to detach from a hurtful situation and focus on moving forward independently. Looking through the thirty-odd points in the list... I can see how it gets confusing and possibly even contradictory if taken out of context. The following is what I believe a distilled version of the 180 looks like with just a few simple guiding principles to keep in mind.

Principle #1 Don’t reward their behaviour.
A common game that the betrayed spouse will play is the “pick me” game where they try to win back the wayward spouse. When terrible things happen, it’s natural to want to feel a sense of control and if we can find fault with ourselves, then one could reasonably assume that you could fix things by just trying harder. The problem with this codependent thinking is that you didn’t cause your partner to cheat and you can’t control the choices that they make. Cheating is fuelled by a sense of entitlement and when you try to compete you just reinforce that entitlement. If you refuse to live with infidelity in your marriage, then don’t reward your partner for their cheating or try to manipulate them into staying with you. You deserve better.

Principle #2 Don’t shield them from consequences.
Don’t feel that you have to passively endure the mistreatment of your wayward partner’s infidelity. Doing nothing grants passive approval and gives up your own power to take charge and make your own choices. If a situation isn’t changing, then action is required to make it change. You have a right and a responsibility to protect what is important to you. Be clear with these boundaries and let your wayward spouse know if you would prefer to work on your relationship, but that without a doubt you will not accept staying in a relationship if their behaviour continues. Don’t sugar-coat it for them, call it as it is. If their behaviour is continuing, take the necessary steps to protect yourself such as consulting an attorney to educate yourself on options and separating resources and finances. It is not up to you to bear the burden for your wayward partner’s selfish choices. Take action and take charge.

Principle #3 Let go of the emotional strings.
Oftentimes, the wayward spouse will go on the offensive – arguing, blame-shifting, minimising or justifying their actions, projecting untruths, lying, making threats, and so forth. Engaging in these arguments serves to meet their negative emotional needs and further entrench their delusion. By changing how you behave or interact you can remove yourself from a manipulative situation and detach to preserve your emotional wellbeing. By practising control over your feelings, thoughts, and actions you can maintain a calm and steady centre of being and speak truthfully and directly with quiet assertiveness. If your wayward partner tries to pull your emotional strings, you simply let them go in order to avoid being dragged back down into the mire. You regain control of your life by refusing to be played for a puppet – you are the one who is in control of yourself.

Principle #4 Take care of yourself and get involved in your life.
Whatever happens and whatever path you walk, you need to be at your best. Pay attention to your mental, emotional, and physical health. Don’t deny yourself the right to feel your emotions, but at the same time create that picture of who you ultimately want to be and keep that end-goal in mind. Focus on your personal self improvement. Take some time to think about what your emotional needs are, how to simplify the clutter in your life, and how to surround yourself with healthy and enriching relationships and get involved in activities that you enjoy.

Principle #5 Stay true to yourself.
Above all, you need to keep faith in yourself and be authentic with yourself. You deserve your self-respect and you have to be willing to stand up for it. You put the focus on your choices and empowerment to nurture yourself to grow and evolve and live out your values to create a healthier and more balanced life for you and those you care about. You live your life understanding that you can navigate through change and adversity to create that brighter future for yourself.

The Spectrum of the 180

It's important to realise too, that the 180 isn't an all or nothing endeavour, but that it exists within a spectrum. It's important to understand the position that you are in, and to adapt the particulars to best meet the situation.

The Soft 180 creates some space to help you find clarity and perspective. It is a reminder to focus on yourself, your peace of mind, your choices, and letting go of things that are inhibiting your emotional health. You focus on reinforcing your independence over codependence through healthy, but not dismissive, detachment while still allowing your needs to be met by your partner. It’s about realising that it is okay to think about and identify what you need in and want from life, and to express those things to your partner. It is okay to allow others to be responsible for themselves (actually it's even in their best interest) and to let go of situations and outcomes that you can't control. In fact, it’s healthy because you let go of the unnecessary stress and allow yourself to move forward unencumbered by it. You make it clear that there are limits to what conduct you will accept in your relationship, but you don't have to feel guilty about things that aren't your issue. When someone violates your boundaries, you still have a responsibility to yourself to challenge it or else you are the one to compromise your own values. The soft 180 is still very productive if you’re both all in and working to reconcile, because you gain some objective distance to help reset and focus on behaviour in the relationship and decide what you are willing and not willing to accept. It’s about understanding the past, living in the present, and building for the future.

The Hard 180 is a cold dose of reality for everyone involved, but most especially for you, when you are in a situation in which you are continuing to be actively or passively hurt. In effect, you are saying "I am hurt by this behaviour and if/as it continues I will evaluate all of my options to take care of myself". You must be willing to uphold your boundaries and step away from the situation to move forward on your own when that is the only thing that you are able to change and control. Not only that, but you put up protective walls to cut off emotional ties to toxic relationships. You recognise that the healthiest choice, for everyone involved, is to leave others to be responsible for their actions and for the consequences of the choices they are making. It’s about standing up for yourself to make a decision. It doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind in the future if the situation changes, but it does mean you refuse to be a part of the current situation and you refuse to live with it. You want to focus on the critical aspects of the situation to deal with reality, while letting go of the emotional ballast that weighs you down. You have to stay smart and think rationally without being controlled by anger or thoughts of revenge – it’s a focus on eliminating problems, not on creating them. The priority is protecting your emotional, mental, and physical health by protecting what is important to you and setting yourself free so that you can move forward unimpeded.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:37 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

Dispirited posted 1/24/2020 20:51 PM

As I have been...I know what it's like. And what is more important to me is that others are not like that.I always busted my ass for naught. And different for me as when I was younger women were understanding.

Whatever.I'm the same person- nothing has changed. Yet....I have to deal with those who have clue or whatever. And yet, I am accused of what?

I have been cheated on by two people.Again- I always did so much for the relationship. Always did this and that.So pray tell what would you insist upon others?

Meanwhile, I sit here wondering what the hell and why so hard.It is beyond me. That's why I am by myself. And years ago, many women were in my life. Now? What a joke with all these marginal people.Yet? those who understand will get it:)

Dispirited posted 1/24/2020 20:56 PM

What? I am amazed at how such a distinct abridgement, yet with a bunch of whatever ridiculous logic, then suddenly all is ok. Then why do you take the time to complain?

My God- I'm amazed at how dense people are here.You bitch and then acquiesce. My God.

Dispirited posted 1/24/2020 21:01 PM

He begged to reconcile. I demanded a post nup to even consider it. He willingly signed it. It excludes my assets from being considered marital assets in case of a D.

And to me it's obvious...a mistrust, yet you still insisted whatever- thinking a life change.My many are so ridiculously involved for whatever reasons.

And that's why I want nothing to do with those who can't even figure out such common sense.

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