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Cheated on - Twice

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Cooley2here posted 1/24/2020 21:07 PM

T/j

Dispirited, are you ok?
I might be wrong but it seems you are angry about something.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 9:09 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 1/24/2020 23:57 PM

Dispirited, I feel like there is some frustration in your posts. I am a bit concerned. I have concerns as well with how some people handle the advice that is given here but we need to support them.
I was battered in my post and almost left the community because I didn't feel like my view mattered.
It did, but really it didn't because you all had been through it before and I was behind in my processing.
I have given advice to a few and it appears that they only come here looking for validation of staying with their WS.
We are here to help and if the people we talk to don't heed the advice all we can do is be here if and when they come back.
I know you have been through way more than me but we need to help those that ask.
I am sorry if this is out of line.

The1stWife posted 1/25/2020 00:45 AM

Dispirited. I’m sorry you are at such a low point. Is there anything we can do to understand your situation or anything else?

Start your own with thread if you wish.

Yes I suggest to some here at SI that IMO divorce is the only option. Others I view their situation with hope for reconciliation. It depends on the circumstances.

But if someone appears insistent on a decision I may not agree with, I respect their right to make that choice.

So many here at SI just want to be helpful. How can we help you?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:45 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/25/2020 07:23 AM

Jeanette, I just rented an old movie, “Shirley Vanentine”. She has an unhappy marriage and an unhappy life. She goes by herself to a Greek island where she ponders why she has allowed it all. “I have allowed myself to lead this little life when inside me there was so much more and it’s all gone unused.......Why do we get all this life if we don’t ever use it?”. I think that’s where everyone needs to be at some point. Questioning how to find that path to fulfillment and joy. If you no longer have any of that go find it.

The1stWife posted 1/25/2020 11:02 AM

Cooley. Excellent point!!

If you are stuck with the cheater until you can move out, make the best. If you can never divorce the cheater, then make the best. If you are not living together, then make the best.

Life is all how you look at it.

It’s never perfect. It’s never a straight line.

But is usually in your control (mostly). We all have to deal with life’s unpleasantness. It’s part of being an adult.

There is a saying something like “you never know how strong you are until strong is the only thing you can be”.

Jeannette88 posted 1/27/2020 16:19 PM

Jeanette, I just rented an old movie, “Shirley Vanentine”. She has an unhappy marriage and an unhappy life. She goes by herself to a Greek island where she ponders why she has allowed it all. “I have allowed myself to lead this little life when inside me there was so much more and it’s all gone unused.......Why do we get all this life if we don’t ever use it?”. I think that’s where everyone needs to be at some point. Questioning how to find that path to fulfillment and joy. If you no longer have any of that go find it.


Thank you - I will try and find it.

Jeannette88 posted 1/27/2020 16:20 PM

To 1st Wife: Thank you for posting the 180 - very helpful.

Jeannette88 posted 1/27/2020 16:26 PM

All - I am probably going to regret it, but my analytical mind wants to know everything. I have the cell phone H was hiding when I found him out the second time. I crashed it but I am going to have it repaired. This is the phone he used to communicate with the OW. I have some of the texts that were sent, but I am sure there is much more. I am getting sick just thinking about it, but I have to know. I'm trying to get the courage to leave him and I think this is what is going to tip me over the edge to do so. I never saw the videos of them doing it, but he did say he had a couple of those in there. I just never saw them.
Thoughts?

KatieKat posted 1/27/2020 16:34 PM

Pain shopping. Find an attorney and start the inevitable process. I’m so sprry.

sorryforeverythi posted 1/27/2020 16:44 PM

Yeah my advice is stop, you don't need to know whats on that phone. It's just a sea of pain if you do see something and those images will be there in your mind forever. Assume it's full of whatever you think it might be and just file it away at least that way there is some lingering doubt.

You know he cheated. Does it really matter if he nailed in the ass and has video backing it up. Is knowing he got a blow job at the movie theater going to do anything for your piece of mind. Lump it all together, he cheated they had sex, probably many, many times, he's a liar and a cheater, that's what they do. Knowing the grimy details will destroy you, he doesn't give a fuck.

Don't do it.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 4:45 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

Beachwalker posted 1/27/2020 20:51 PM

Jeanette: There are some people who just want to move forward without knowing all the nitty-gritty details. There are people like KatieKat and SFE that have seen enough and there is no need for additional info. Then there are people like me who, 2 yrs out, still want to know every little detail. I want to know whom she was with, when, who initiated, exactly what they did to/with each other, etc. Heck, if she can remember what color underwear she had on each time I want to know! I don’t know why, but my brain wants those little, tiny cracks filled in. Do I have enough proof she cheated with multiple men? Certainly! Do I need more proof for the D? Absolutely not! But my brain still wants to know. We are all different.

SFE is right, though: Once you see those images, read those texts, etc., you can’t “un-see” them. It’s just like asking question of the WS. If they tell you the truth and it’s one of those answers you wish you’d not heard, too bad! So, just consider this before you get the phone repaired and open those communications. Like they said, this could be painful. But, if this is what you need to heal and are willing to take that chance, then go for it.

The1stWife posted 1/28/2020 07:43 AM

Stop and ask yourself - what will seeing this change?

Will it change that he cheated? Will it make a difference to me if I see the sexually explicit videos? Will it change how I feel about him?

You are focusing on details. Details at this point don’t matter b/c it will not change the outcome. It will not change how you feel about him.

I think you know everything you need to know. I would suggest that you stop adding more pain to your life. You have enough. I wound use that energy to focus on healing YOU!

FWIW my H’s AP sent me 300+ emails in her revenge towards my H for ending it. I always thought she pursued the affair. I was devastated to learn he started the whole thing. Am I glad I know? Yes. Did it make a difference? Not in the least. At the end of the day it really doesn’t matter b/c he knew it was wrong.

Jeannette88 posted 2/7/2020 17:40 PM

Sorry I have been MIA - I haven't had a chance to post. I did fix the cell. Found photos and sex videos (does not show them full bodied - their parts and the whore giving WH a blow job) - no wonder during therapy he said it was "the best job" he's ever had. Saw all the texts they sent each other. I think he fell for the whore although he denies it. I mean he was constantly texting her, telling her how much he loved her, how happy she made him, how he wanted to see her every day and spend time with her, blah, blah, blah. Of course she reciprocated. Sickening. He's so bland when he texts me. He says it's because I am mad all the time he feels he can't approach me. I say what does he expect after finding out about his affairs and debt? He says he was playing her so he could continue to get a$$ from her. He was even sending photos of him when he was younger saying "look at your beau at different stages in his life" "you should have met me then". I asked him if he ever loved her. He says no, denies it. He said he never considered leaving me. He wanted to have us both. That this would end eventually but that he never intended to leave me. Like that makes me feel better. I need to find a support group where I can go in person and continue with therapy. I need it. Does anyone know one of those support groups in the Los Angeles area? Do any of you live in the area? I don't have that many people to talk to about these things. It would be good to have the support live. Thanks for hearing me out.

Jeannette88 posted 2/7/2020 17:40 PM

Sorry I have been MIA - I haven't had a chance to post. I did fix the cell. Found photos and sex videos (does not show them full bodied - their parts and the whore giving WH a blow job) - no wonder during therapy he said it was "the best job" he's ever had. Saw all the texts they sent each other. I think he fell for the whore although he denies it. I mean he was constantly texting her, telling her how much he loved her, how happy she made him, how he wanted to see her every day and spend time with her, blah, blah, blah. Of course she reciprocated. Sickening. He's so bland when he texts me. He says it's because I am mad all the time he feels he can't approach me. I say what does he expect after finding out about his affairs and debt? He says he was playing her so he could continue to get a$$ from her. He was even sending photos of him when he was younger saying "look at your beau at different stages in his life" "you should have met me then". I asked him if he ever loved her. He says no, denies it. He said he never considered leaving me. He wanted to have us both. That this would end eventually but that he never intended to leave me. Like that makes me feel better. I need to find a support group where I can go in person and continue with therapy. I need it. Does anyone know one of those support groups in the Los Angeles area? Do any of you live in the area? I don't have that many people to talk to about these things. It would be good to have the support live. Thanks for hearing me out.

sorryforeverythi posted 2/7/2020 19:19 PM

Jeanette,
I am sorry that it was that bad, I will say to remember the affair fog, limerence, that stuff is real.

So a lot of what he was saying was all from the chemical overload going on in his head.

It's not real and doesn't last. It sucks but sometimes I think of that and it kind of helps.

It sucks and I feel bad for you. i am sorry you are going through this. I don't live in LA. I typed in infidelity groups los angeles and this is what came up, well I can't post what came up but just put that in google.

steadychevy posted 2/10/2020 06:03 AM

I'm late to this thread. Sorry.

I was one (and many are) who needed to know anything. Not knowing drives me crazy. Often the imagination is worse than the reality. There were so many lies that didn't match up and didn't connect for me so trying to figure it out was driving me crazy. I didn't know what I didn't know but I knew there was lots more.

Not getting answers was a part of the reason there was no attempt at reconciliation. I was at the point of wanting to know if attempting reconciliation was a possibility. Never got there because of stonewalling. So many IDK and ICR and no attempt to figure it out by my WW.

I think the advice saying it's pain shopping and not to find out more info is misplaced. That might be how it is for those providing that input but it isn't for everyone. There are many, many people who need to know everything. They need to know to help them make the hardest decision they may have to make - stay or go.

Part of what I wanted was for my WW to reveal everything to me as part of the actions showing she wanted to reconcile. It's not up to her to determine what I should know and what I shouldn't. I never got it.

If you need to know, you need to know.

steadychevy posted 2/10/2020 06:17 AM

My WW wasn't going to leave me for the POS either. She wanted her work piece and the stable home, too, and reaching our life goals while screwing.

Can you think of anything more self-centered or selfish? And, no it doesn't make you feel better, Jeanette.

I attended two different BAN support groups. They are small groups with people at different stages after DDay. BAN stands for Beyond Affairs Network. You can find groups in your area by googling Beyond Affairs Network and then following links to eventually find your city and how to contact the leader of the group.

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