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Almost married and now this...

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annem97 posted 1/27/2020 10:28 AM

I thought Iíd give you all and update, I know this is a non judge mental place and I have no where else to go.
As you know I have caught my fiancť cheating on me with his friends wife, and I didnít want to post anything too soon about me talking to both my fiancť and his friend because thereís a lot to talk about.
The friend and his wife sound like they are going to be able to work things out. Iím not sure why that infuriated me so much, maybe because the friend is taking the blame why she did it who knows,
My fiancť told me he is glad he got caught because he didnít know how to end it with her without making her go crazy. Me and the friend have studied the texts and have both agreed that it was his wife that initiated all of it, you can tell by the short answers or not replying from my fiancť, but that doesnít account for Snapchat which Iíll never know what they were sending each other. They both swear on their kids/mothers lives that they never physically met up, but did send dirty pics/texts.
My fiancť hasnít been begging for my forgiveness or anything he told me he doesnít deserve forgiven ness because what he did isnít forgivable and he want to do whatever will make me feel at least 1% better. He said he doesnít know why he didnít tell me when he started to receive texts but he wishes he did and itís nothing I ever did or didnít do it was all on him. Heís starting to pack boxes and such and staying in the guest bedroom.
Iím not sure if me and my now ex fiancť will ever come over this, he wants to work it out with me and I want to believe everything he says but itís just a very confusing matter for me when you love someone you want to work it out but i donít know why I would want to when I know Iíll never want to marry him now.
He did tell me that the OW reached out to him again sending a crying emoji and he sent back to never talk to him again that she has ruined everything.
And the fact that she is still trying to reach out to him is devastating to me for the friend for sure... sheís an awful person. I would like to say I have remained civil with my fiancť for right now based on the fact that we still have a lot to work out with upcoming bills. I am trying to hear him out and I might sound really stupid for wanting to sit down and talk about this but I think it helps my peace of mind.
As for the OW , her and her husband (the friend) have been having their own issues in their marriage for a while and sheís using that as her excuse and heís believing all of it, blaming it on himself. I feel like sheís the blame for all of this reaching out to another man during their distressful times. Iím not saying that to make any excuses but thatís just the way I see it. She ruined a lot.

justabrokendream posted 1/27/2020 10:35 AM

Unfortunately the best indicator of future behavior is what he did in the past. Looks like you dodged a bullet. Better to find out what kind of guy he is before you have children and years invested...

annem97 posted 1/27/2020 10:39 AM

I have been with my fiancť for 6 years Iíd like to think I know him... but maybe not. Part of me wants to think he just got caught up in it and liked the feeling of something new or something? Doesnít make it okay... but thatís how I feel.

tushnurse posted 1/27/2020 10:55 AM

I'm an old timer here, and going to offer you a bit of advice....
You are allowing yourself to blame OW. That is NOT ok. He chose to respond. He chose to participate. He chose to cheat.
He is broken and needs to own it, and not blame the OW, and do some real work to own his shit, and fix it. Until he does that he will not be a safe partner for you ever again.

Lalagirl posted 1/27/2020 12:14 PM

You are allowing yourself to blame OW. That is NOT ok. He chose to respond. He chose to participate. He chose to cheat.
He is broken and needs to own it, and not blame the OW, and do some real work to own his shit, and fix it. Until he does that he will not be a safe partner for you ever again.

^^^^THIS.

This sounds like a one-sided A. It was not.

she has ruined everything.
Really? She held a gun to his head and made him text/send pics? Does not matter who initiated; he participated and hid it from you.

but did send dirty pics/texts.

he didnít know how to end it with her without making her go crazy.

Jeez. He has some serious shit owning to do. Is he in IC?

Hang in there, annem; I truly do not mean to sound harsh - I've been where you are so I truly sympathize. Trust me, the first thing that needs to happen is he needs to fully own what he has done. And complete NC; he has made it clear that he wants no more to do with her.

the fact that she is still trying to reach out to him is devastating to me for the friend for sure... sheís an awful person.

I understand. xOW tried the same crap for quite some time. Since she was single she didn't have to answer to anyone. FWH ignored/blocked and she finally rode off into wherever these entitled whackadoodles ride. He should no longer respond to her (because even if she's blocked, she will find a way - burner phone, telepathy, whatever) - OPs can be quite desperately tenacious.

((((annem)))))

LLXC posted 1/27/2020 12:16 PM

He told the other woman that she ruined everything? Why is he blaming her? He didnt shoot her down.

Yes. It sucks that she didnt have the ability to talk to her husband about thier marital problems and decided to use someone else. Your fiance chose to respond.

Until he accepts responsibility for what he did, how can he be trustworthy?

beenthereinco posted 1/27/2020 12:24 PM

Send the OW's husband here. Maybe some smart person here can convince him to stop taking the blame for his WW's behavior. She's going to keep doing this if he allows this to become his fault.

KingofNothing posted 1/27/2020 12:44 PM

He did tell me that the OW reached out to him again sending a crying emoji and he sent back to never talk to him again that she has ruined everything.

Annem, he probably deleted it but your fiance should send a screenshot of that conversation to his friend. HOW are they still friends?

Between the BH blaming himself for the whole thing and you blaming the OW for the whole thing, it sounds like your fiance is getting off pretty easy. Remember, he actively participated in this thing. He didn't initiate it.. so what? He certainly participated in it for at least a while. I'd be very wary about believing that he wanted to break it off without her going crazy as an excuse. Cheaters say the darndest things. Especially when they are desperately looking for something, anything to shift the majority of the blame elsewhere!

I know, you share a past together that might incline you to go easy on him.. but I strongly advise against marriage. The past is prologue. You have a clear indicator of the future here and you don't want to step on that landmine.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/27/2020 12:46 PM

If this is a PA, how would you view that as far as R is concerned?

Ichthus posted 1/27/2020 12:47 PM

Youre not going to like this, but you are going to wish that you called the wedding off. He cant be happy while he is engaged to you?? You guys havent even hit the tough part of marriage where each of you have responsibilities to focus on. Marriage is hard, and he has already shown you that he cannot say no to someone else.

My advice, which I am sure you will not take it right now, is to run away from him. He is going to do this again. Maybe not now, or in the next 5 years, but it will likely happen again.

Ask any of the people who were cheated on while engaged and then got married. Ask them what they would do 5 years after the wedding. You are setting yourself up for a lot of pain by staying with him.

HellFire posted 1/27/2020 12:55 PM

A good majority of the BS, in this forum,have had their WS swear on the lives of their children, parents,etc, that they were being honest. And the BS finds out later that they were lying.

Schedule a polygraph, and follow through with him taking it. If you are even going to consider trying to attempt reconciliation, you need the truth.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:56 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 1/27/2020 13:18 PM

I really don't have much to add other than life is a series of choices, he chose to reply to the first text, he choose to keep talking to her, he choose to send dick pics and he choose to keep it a secret.

Choices define us and his choices show that he is the most important thing in your relationship.

No matter who initiated it he chose to participate.

That is a deal breaker and all you should be doing is asking him to move out and stay out of your life.

If you don't he will choose to do it again, because he got away with, he will just be more careful next time, but the truth always comes out.

emergent8 posted 1/27/2020 13:23 PM

Hi Annem,

I relate to your story so much! I had been with my now-H for 10 + years before we got married. I thought I knew him inside and out. He started his A (with a married co-worker) that we were friendly with 3 months after our wedding. I found out about the A just shy of our 1 year anniversary. It was devastating. After D-Day I also notified OBS of the A before my H and OW could coordinate. How did this go down for you guys?

Like in your case, OW in my scenario was very much the aggressor/initiator at the outset of the A (she confronted him at an event one evening and told him she fantasized about him). That said, after it got physical for the first time, my WH was very much an initiator. I do not say this to minimize his role in all of this.

The friend and his wife sound like they are going to be able to work things out. Iím not sure why that infuriated me so much, maybe because the friend is taking the blame why she did it who knows,

This is frustrating because she is a knowing interloper in your marriage (a wolf in sheep's clothing) and it's looking like she will not have any consequences. It is very common for BSs (and betrayed men in particular) at the outside to take fault for their WW's actions.

I'd be wary of the claim that there was no sexual contact. I'm not saying there necessarily was, but both spouses here have every reason in the world to lie and minimize. It's very common for BS to hear no sex and then subsequently find out otherwise. (In my situation, my husband actually 'fessed up but the OW lied. The story was set straight when OBS and I compared stories).

Buster123 posted 1/27/2020 13:51 PM

Tell the other friend (OBS) that the OW is still trying to contact your ex-fiance. Why is she still not blocked from your ex-fiance's phone and all social media ? OTOH I agree with others, RUN and don't look back.

annem97 posted 1/27/2020 14:40 PM

Emergent8-

Thank you for reaching out to me. I have failed to write that my ďfiancťĒ has owned up to what he has done and is hoping I will work it out with him. No I have already decided I AM NOT GOING THROUGH WITH MARRYING HIM. I am just very confused through all of this, and I am not making excuses for my fiancť just stating the facts of what I have seen.

I donít know what I should do to go about this. As of right now we are civil but I donít know how Iíll ever trust him again.
Iíll text the friend and let him know what my fiancť told me about her reaching out.

After that incident he blocked her on everything just to make it clear. Iím experiencing a lot of hurt and confusion and so any support is very much appreciated.

KingofNothing posted 1/27/2020 15:41 PM

No I have already decided I AM NOT GOING THROUGH WITH MARRYING HIM. I am just very confused through all of this, and I am not making excuses for my fiancť just stating the facts of what I have seen.

Good for you. I definitely think that's an appropriate course of action, but that's your decision to make.

Let me point out one thing, the people on here may seem a little harsh from time to time but it is meant with affection and the world weary realization that many of us have seen this before. So please, no inherent criticism meant from me at least. I wish you the best on your journey to healing.

ohsospecial posted 1/27/2020 16:10 PM

Annem,
Please do not try to trust him again; itís not worth the effort.

Since you have decided NOT to marry him (great decision!), thereís really no reason to stick around if you envision your life as a married woman.

I know youíve got 6+ years invested. But imagine having 20 years invested, and discovering that, indeed, his past behavior was an indication of his future behavior...

All best wishes to you as you move forward with your life.

emergent8 posted 1/27/2020 18:08 PM

Annem - I'm interested in how everything came out. In your previous thread, you were debating whether or not to confront OW or your husband before notifying OBS. Was there an opportunity for coordination between your husband and OW?

Do you believe your H when he says it never got physical? I imagine there were many opportunities for this EA to turn into a PA.

It's okay (and normal!) not to know what to do right now. Cancelling the wedding is probably a wise move. I imagine you are still processing it all. It's a lot.

JS84 posted 1/27/2020 19:08 PM

Well you're grappling with a few things at once so how you're feeling is understandable. You thought you knew your ex-fiance. You had an image of who he was, is, and probably had an image of how things with him would be. Now you just realized that image you had wasn't accurate. Recoiling that logically and emotionally in your head isn't going to be an overnight task. It's even more difficult because you still want to see him as the person you used to. But again, he's not that person and probably never was.

Since you've already decided not to marry him, I'll just say I think that's the right choice. Someone who cheats during the engagement is a walking and breathing example of someone who is not marriage material.

I also agree with whoever said you seem a bit too focused on the OW. Your ex-fiance is a grown man capable of making his own choices.

The OW could have really been anyone. And if it hadn't been her, it could have been someone else down the road. People and their partners are going to be hit, flirted with, and propositioned throughout their relationship. It's up to them to have boundaries in place to resist, or preferably avoid altogether, temptation. Clearly your ex-fiance didn't have that, and again that's on him not the OW.

Even though it doesn't feel like it, how you're feeling is pretty normal (sad to say). Don't feel like you have to rush through your emotions or through any other major decisions until you feel ready.

The1stWife posted 1/27/2020 19:50 PM

In the very beginning I blamed the OW. I thought she should have not gotten involved b/c she knew he was married.

And then after dday2 she sent me 300+ emails out of revenge for my H ending it with her. I saw where my H pursued her. Like ďletís meet to discuss the XYZ work projectĒ. And then my focus changed. My H knew better and never should have hired her or met with her after work hours. It really opened my eyes to see how low he could go and try to hide the truth.

It then became clear the truth of it all. Thatís why it took me so long to commit to reconciliation.

That realization pushed me over the edge b/c I thought so much better of him. I had to regroup, accept the facts and then re-evaluate my decisions.

Point is my H and your fiancť could have stopped, could have declined the first inappropriate interaction, could have just shut it down. My H truly regrets all of his choices. How the whole relationship happened at warp speed. But why did he have to try and D me to be with the OW - he still canít believe he was going down that road.

Point is - no one can force you to do anything (in affairs). The cheaters know exactly what they are doing and can stop. They just never expect to get caught.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:54 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

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