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Almost married and now this...

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SMSA925 posted 1/27/2020 20:53 PM

((Annem)) I am sorry you are going through this.

Here is your support: You deserve the best in life. You, a good and faithful partner, are valuable beyond all riches. Do not ever forget that.

Dont be confused. Its over. Not your fault. This fiance person is a broken and damaged person. He needs years of therapy before he should ever consider another serious relationship He may change, he may not. Thats a pretty big gamble that you do not need to take at this point in your life. Move on. Remember, you are the prize. Treat yourself accordingly.

Beachwalker posted 1/27/2020 22:22 PM

Annem: I am so sorry to hear about your predicament. I agree with the others that he could have taken Nancy Reaganís advice and just said, ďNo!Ē He told you about her attempt to reconnect with him, and that is exactly what he should have done in the first place.

I am glad you cancelled the wedding. This does not mean you canít marry him later, if you so desire. I think this is the right move. Give him time to get into counseling and figure out why he thought this was acceptable behavior, especially with a married woman. In the meantime, you can get help for yourself and when you feel ready to do so, make a decision whether to get back with him or move on. The fact he told the OW to buzz off without your prompting is a good sign. He knows what to do and what he should have done. But, thereís more to it than that.

Had I known my WW was involved with a married man prior to us even dating, I would have walked away. I caught her twice early on in our M. The second time we sought counsel, got tested, confessed to other people,Ö I thought for sure this had shaken my wife awake. 28 years later, she is up to 14 men and was planning to keep right on going. I am not saying this is where you WILL end up, but it is clearly a possibility. Just keep this in mind should you think about R.

You are doing great! I am glad you stood up for yourself! I am glad you told the OBS! You need some separation so you can process this whole ordeal. I am glad he took the initiative to move to another room. Your brain will take some time to get through all this mess and youíll feel like you are a bowl of Jell-o! Given time, your brain will have completed a lot of that processing and you will be able to think a lot more clearly. This is normal. It stinks, but itís normal. Keep posting here and let us know how things are progressing. Things will get better! I promise!!

ShutterHappy posted 1/28/2020 02:27 AM

annem97,

The reality is that, as adults, married or not, we do get hit on (occasionally) throughout our life. It does happen, some people more often then others, but it does happen. Men get hit on too. Throughout your ex-fiancť life, women will flirt with him again. Men will flirt with you as well.

As a spouse, it is our responsibility to protect our marriage. Itís also the smart thing to do. Maybe the OW started this but it doesnít matter. He failed at protecting your relationship.

You ex-fiancť put more value in his self gratification than in your relationship. That makes him untrustworthy. There cannot be a marriage without trust. You are doing the right thing.

sillyoldsod posted 1/28/2020 03:10 AM

The reality is that, as adults, married or not, we do get hit on (occasionally) throughout our life. It does happen, some people more often then others, but it does happen. Men get hit on too. Throughout your ex-fiancť life, women will flirt with him again. Men will flirt with you as well.

As a spouse, it is our responsibility to protect our marriage. Itís also the smart thing to do. Maybe the OW started this but it doesnít matter. He failed at protecting your relationship.

You ex-fiancť put more value in his self gratification than in your relationship. That makes him untrustworthy. There cannot be a marriage without trust. You are doing the right thing.

^^^ This.

I'm sorry you've had to suffer this Annem but your partner has shown you who he is, so BELIEVE HIM!

You've dodged a bullet. Imagine how much worse it would have been if this had happened after 5, 10 or 20 years of what you believed was a good marriage! Many of us have found ourselves in that boat.

Ultimately he's actually done you a favour although you probably don't see it like that at the moment.

Best wishes.

annem97 posted 1/28/2020 12:03 PM

Beach walker- thank you for your response. Iím very thankful for the people who are replying to me, it makes me feel not so alone. Youíre right, I feel like a bowl of jello. I feel sad Iím losing him but I know I shouldnít stay. Itís very lost and confusing time.

You are right if somehow in the future we can reconcile maybe things will be different. And Iíll take your advice to take some time to process and see how I really feel about moving on or reconciling but as of right now itís best to be alone and separated.

Thanks to everyone I really appreciate your advice.

emergent8 posted 1/29/2020 12:35 PM

Hi Annem,

Just checking in. How are you holding up?

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