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Issue returned: guidance and advice needed

Sp4ceshawty posted 1/28/2020 13:49 PM


Hello All! I wish I found this forum sooner but my issue has returned so I’m seeking guidance and support. I will give you a background story to let you know where I am at:

I met my partner in 2016. We moved across the country together in April of 2019. Left all my family and friends to start a life with my partner. I never actually had any thought my partner was cheating. I’m a naturally suspicious person but be never really gave me a reason and he himself has been cheated on which messed him up emotionally. So fast forward to may of 2019, I noticed on my phone that my partner was signed into Facebook. (He was using my phone and forgot to sign out). Me being suspicious and nosey, I looked through his messages and found sexts from as early as 2018. And it was a lot of people. People I knew. People I didn’t. Mild flirting to full, fledged sending videos of his privates. This completely wrecked me. I couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t leave. We were only a month into our lease. I asked him to let each of the people know what he was doing was wrong, why, and once done, blocked them and cut off communication. He didn’t want to do the first part but said he was going to block them and cut off communication. He changed his fb password so it signed me out on my phone. About a week later I found out he was signed into IG too. Checked the messages there, he was still sexting other people. And it was more than just sexting. He was saying things like “that baby should’ve been mine”, “You’re the one I really want” etc. again we’re still only a month out after moving. At this point I felt completely lost and trapped. He still refused to message those people. Said he blocked them all. I never told him I found out through Ig this second time so as you can imagine, he didn’t block them and kept up a relationship. Nothing sexual but still communication. I told him he needs to cut the, off. His resolution was blocking deactivating all his social media.

These past few months, it seems like things were getting better. Like we had ups and downs but it seemed like he was being honest and faithful. We ended up getting in a big argument at the beginning of the year. After that we chilled out but I couldn’t shake the feeling. We gave each other our passcodes on our phones this was his idea as a way for us to be open with each other. I check his phone and find that the sexting has resumed. With different people but resumed.

I have a lot of complicated feelings for a few reasons:

He’s lied multiples times

-Said it only happened on fb>found out about Ig>found out it also happened through text
-Said he’d cut them off>did not (and he actually got rly upset with the request to cut off a few of them “because they were there for him at his lowest”)

It’s really hard for me to get over lies. Everything he says I now question.

Also, my partner has a mental illness. As a result, his reactions to my probing is angry, for lack of better words. His thinking process can be slightly skewed. After a cool down, he’s very understanding but ya know.

The reasons he gave for why are just so all over the place:
-him not performing sexually to his standards
-for money and he was too embarrassed to ask me or his family for money (though I never saw any messages about money at all)
-addicted to masturbating and “creating this persona” to help him get off (this is the big one)

At this point, we have about 3 months left on our lease. I want us to work. But I also don’t want to be in a situation where I am stuck with someone who is not dedicated to respecting me and my boundaries. We’ve already talked about him seeing a therapists. We are kinda poor so it’s not happening now but it is the works.

Now my questions:
What were they ways your partner and you rebuilt trust that was most successful?

One of the biggest things I’ve found for helping to get past this is the adulterer being completely transparent. How do you enforce that without it seeming like you are compromising your partners privacy?

How do you handle triggers? I get triggered a lot. My partners method to sext people is he would send them kinda sexual memes. Depending on how they react, he would go from there. So now every time I see a sexual meme, I think of him and the possibility of him sending it.

How do you personally rebuild confidence? How does your partner rebuild your confidence? As mentioned before, his infidelity in part stemmed from who incompetence. Before I found out he was cheating, he would give a lot of reasons why, some of which included me. That really shattered my self confidence and then I found out about his infidelities. If I ask him now, he says he was grappling with a lot and shifted the blame to me but I can’t shake what he said. On top of that, it was so weird to see how flirtatious and emotionally involved he was with others when he’s not that way with me.

How do you bring up the infidelity casually without an argument ensuing?

thatbpguy posted 1/28/2020 14:14 PM

I hardly know where to start.

What I see here from your bf are multiple and serious issues. They are unlikely to change unless he gets some serious and long term therapy. I could list them, but there are so many.

It's laudable you want to work things out, but he has to fix himself to a certain degree before that's going to happen. You may want to consider a separation for a few months and allow time for this to all sink in.

As to regaining trust, it's rarely possible to do so and in this case, I wouldn't even try until he has gotten the help he so clearly needs.

Buster123 posted 1/28/2020 14:28 PM

I'm sorry that you had to find us but I'm glad you did, now back to the issue at hand, R (Reconciliation) from infidelity typically takes between 2-5 years with a fully remorseful person doing all the necessary work, at this moment you're very far from that by a very long shot.

Based on what you posted, your partner is a SERIAL CHEATER and a compulsive liar, you have not been together that long, you also said he has mental illness, dating is a test and he has failed miserably, don't even wait for the lease to expire, just RUN and don't look back, life's too short and only gets more complicated, don't forget to get tested for STDs just in case.

Beachwalker posted 1/28/2020 15:02 PM

I agree with thatbpguy.

the adulterer being completely transparent. How do you enforce that

You cannot enforce that, nor would you want to. This has to be voluntary. You do not want to go through your marriage twisting his arm all the time to get the truth out of him. He has to WANT to be transparent. I am not reading that in your post.
How do you personally rebuild confidence?

This is on him. He has to be transparent, answer all your questions fully, allow access to all communications, tell you where he is and what he’s doing, etc. And, this is only the first step to rebuilding trust in you.
How do you bring up the infidelity casually without an argument ensuing?

Again, this is on him. When you need to talk, be calm, civil, “professional”, and have questions written down, or at least prepared. How he responds is up to him and it tells you a lot about how willing to cooperate he will be. Arguing is one way to deflect the responsibility for what has been done and to make you feel belittled for asking. Arrange a time in advance and a meeting place, even if it’s just in the kitchen. You have the right to ask any question and go into the details as deeply as YOU wish. This is part of transparency.

Do you understand how this is on him to rebuild trust in you? To take action to find out why he thinks this behavior is ok? To make amendments within himself to become a safe partner either for you or the next spouse?

Right now, you focus on you. Read in the Healing Library about what to do. Ask what your insurance will cover regarding IC (Individual Counseling) for each of you. There are places that can help and will let you pay what you can afford. Or, some churches offer counseling at no charge, but they may not be properly trained to handle this situation. Still, they may be able to help.

My heart goes out to you. It sounds as if you have your hands full.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/28/2020 15:13 PM

People who are honest and are not cheating have nothing to hide. So there is no need for privacy.

Sp4ceshawty posted 1/28/2020 17:06 PM

Thank you all for the kind words!

It has definitely been hard, to say the least.

I know it is hard to see why I am still fighting for this relationship. Some days its hard for me as well. Other days, its like as if the "incidents" never happened. He has honestly made a lot of strides to help prove he is changing. (for example, he def was the type to give half truths and then I would find out days/weeks/months later extra details I should know. He has gotten much better at being transparent with details though there is still slip ups) I don't want to boast the good things he's done because I'm not trying to eclipse the severity of the issue but there has def been steps in the right direction.

He is actually looking into the EAP at his job to see if they can connect him with some resources. We have found possible free therapy that he's looking into. I am looking into personal therapy as well.

But y'all are right. He has to be the one that wants to change. I do believe he does want to change. I just think he has a defeated attitude. If something doesn't go smoothly, like a conversation, to him, that is detrimental and why bother because we're just going to keep having problems. I sincerely believe he wants this relationship to continue. I just don't think he's emotionally mature to take the steps. For him, addressing the issue is just highlighting the bad he has done which makes him feel bad. Which of course he should but that deters him because he's so blinded by emotions.

I think for me the hardest part is grappling with this being possibly the end. Outside of our partnership, he has been my best friend. Transitioning to a life without him means probably moving back home to rebuild things which is a lot to even think about.

ohsospecial posted 1/28/2020 18:10 PM

I’m sorry the issue with your partner has returned. You didn’t mention your ages, or if there are any children involved. Those details might help with those giving advice.

It just doesn’t sound like this relationship is worth your effort. You might want to go to the “I Can Relate” forum and find the thread about partners of sex addicts. Read it carefully, and ask yourself if this is the life you want. You aren’t married, right? It will be much less complicated to get out now.

Best of luck while you make important decisions about your future.

The1stWife posted 1/29/2020 06:50 AM

Rebuilding of trust starts with complete transparency from the cheater.

The cheater stops lying and hiding details of their cheating behavior

The affair or sexting or behavior that constitutes cheating stops.

If the cheater says I will be at XYZ location they are where they say they are doing what they said they are doing.

Those are the starters.

cocoplus5nuts posted 1/29/2020 06:52 AM

I know it is hard to see why I am still fighting for this relationship. Some days its hard for me as well. Other days, its like as if the "incidents" never happened.

Don't fall into this trap. This did happen. He cheated multiple times with multiple people. He lied about it after he saw how much it hurt you and continued. He is not a good guy in any way. He may good at sometimes playing a good guy, but that's not who he really is.

Ypu don't owe him anything. You owe yourself everything. Love yourself more and leave. It's not worth any more of your time or energy.

Esther2258 posted 1/29/2020 16:12 PM

Hi there,
I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I’ve found that there are times in life when we just need help, and when it is mental issues it is finding a counselor or therapist that can help us sort through all of the triggers that cause the problems. Right?

I wonder if any of these resources would help you https://list.ly/list/1SmK-living-in-the-wake-of-fractured-vows?feature=search.
I am sure thinking of you!

Hg65 posted 1/30/2020 18:26 PM

Run! Run far away.

Seriously, remove yourself from this person. He is wayyyy too mired down in issues, don’t sign up for a lifetime of this. He is not even CLOSE to facing his problems.

Go back, rebuild your life, and move on.

Sending you strength.

jb3199 posted 1/31/2020 05:45 AM

Transitioning to a life without him means probably moving back home to rebuild things which is a lot to even think about.

But you need to do this; otherwise you are setting yourself up to be dependent upon him. Unfortunately, and specifically after infidelity, there are steps that YOU need to take in order to help yourself. Preparing to leave the relationship is one very distinct possibility. Sure, he may one day prove to be a good partner, but it would be dangerous for you to rely on that possibility. You need to prepare yourself....emotionally and financially....to get yourself out of infidelity.

Chaos posted 1/31/2020 08:26 AM

Run. He is not relationship material.

Transitioning to a life without him means probably moving back home to rebuild things which is a lot to even think about.

It certainly beats a lifetime of misery, abuse and STDs.

SaddestDad posted 1/31/2020 10:16 AM

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. It's a difficult thing to ever experience. Most of us would agree that it's the absolute hardest thing to deal with that we ever experience... a few questions:

We moved across the country together in April of 2019. Left all my family and friends to start a life with my partner.

Are you still in contact with your friends and family that you physically left behind? Are they aware of what is occurring and have they been giving you support and a listening ear?

On top of that, it was so weird to see how flirtatious and emotionally involved he was with others when he’s not that way with me.

Is he still not that way with you?

Based upon the above quote, why do you believe that the quote below is possibly true?

I sincerely believe he wants this relationship to continue
.
Further, if he's not emotionally involved with you (but has shown that he does have the capability to do so with others) and dragged you cross-country to be broke and broken... why do you potentially want such a relationship to continue?

Granted, I don't know any more about your situation than what you've written but it doesn't bode well, nor do you deserve going through what he's putting you through. You write as if you're in your 20's (give or take). You've got a long life ahead of you - don't let future years be wasted by him instead of tasting true happiness.

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