Hello All! I wish I found this forum sooner but my issue has returned so I’m seeking guidance and support. I will give you a background story to let you know where I am at:
I met my partner in 2016. We moved across the country together in April of 2019. Left all my family and friends to start a life with my partner. I never actually had any thought my partner was cheating. I’m a naturally suspicious person but be never really gave me a reason and he himself has been cheated on which messed him up emotionally. So fast forward to may of 2019, I noticed on my phone that my partner was signed into Facebook. (He was using my phone and forgot to sign out). Me being suspicious and nosey, I looked through his messages and found sexts from as early as 2018. And it was a lot of people. People I knew. People I didn’t. Mild flirting to full, fledged sending videos of his privates. This completely wrecked me. I couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t leave. We were only a month into our lease. I asked him to let each of the people know what he was doing was wrong, why, and once done, blocked them and cut off communication. He didn’t want to do the first part but said he was going to block them and cut off communication. He changed his fb password so it signed me out on my phone. About a week later I found out he was signed into IG too. Checked the messages there, he was still sexting other people. And it was more than just sexting. He was saying things like “that baby should’ve been mine”, “You’re the one I really want” etc. again we’re still only a month out after moving. At this point I felt completely lost and trapped. He still refused to message those people. Said he blocked them all. I never told him I found out through Ig this second time so as you can imagine, he didn’t block them and kept up a relationship. Nothing sexual but still communication. I told him he needs to cut the, off. His resolution was blocking deactivating all his social media.
These past few months, it seems like things were getting better. Like we had ups and downs but it seemed like he was being honest and faithful. We ended up getting in a big argument at the beginning of the year. After that we chilled out but I couldn’t shake the feeling. We gave each other our passcodes on our phones this was his idea as a way for us to be open with each other. I check his phone and find that the sexting has resumed. With different people but resumed.
I have a lot of complicated feelings for a few reasons:
He’s lied multiples times
-Said it only happened on fb>found out about Ig>found out it also happened through text
-Said he’d cut them off>did not (and he actually got rly upset with the request to cut off a few of them “because they were there for him at his lowest”)
It’s really hard for me to get over lies. Everything he says I now question.
Also, my partner has a mental illness. As a result, his reactions to my probing is angry, for lack of better words. His thinking process can be slightly skewed. After a cool down, he’s very understanding but ya know.
The reasons he gave for why are just so all over the place:
-him not performing sexually to his standards
-for money and he was too embarrassed to ask me or his family for money (though I never saw any messages about money at all)
-addicted to masturbating and “creating this persona” to help him get off (this is the big one)
At this point, we have about 3 months left on our lease. I want us to work. But I also don’t want to be in a situation where I am stuck with someone who is not dedicated to respecting me and my boundaries. We’ve already talked about him seeing a therapists. We are kinda poor so it’s not happening now but it is the works.
Now my questions:
What were they ways your partner and you rebuilt trust that was most successful?
One of the biggest things I’ve found for helping to get past this is the adulterer being completely transparent. How do you enforce that without it seeming like you are compromising your partners privacy?
How do you handle triggers? I get triggered a lot. My partners method to sext people is he would send them kinda sexual memes. Depending on how they react, he would go from there. So now every time I see a sexual meme, I think of him and the possibility of him sending it.
How do you personally rebuild confidence? How does your partner rebuild your confidence? As mentioned before, his infidelity in part stemmed from who incompetence. Before I found out he was cheating, he would give a lot of reasons why, some of which included me. That really shattered my self confidence and then I found out about his infidelities. If I ask him now, he says he was grappling with a lot and shifted the blame to me but I can’t shake what he said. On top of that, it was so weird to see how flirtatious and emotionally involved he was with others when he’s not that way with me.
How do you bring up the infidelity casually without an argument ensuing?