"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Thatsnotlove posted 2/1/2020 09:01 AM

Firs t I feel like a fool; although, I sacrifice to this day for my children and would continue to do so. I have seen so many signs but never caught him in the act. Please forgive my punctuation this is being spoken into my phone. He travels so it is very easy for him to hide what he does. I no longer need proof. I can put the puzzle pieces together. I will share some of them to help you understand. The first time he treated me poorly was on our first vacation which I paid for. I knew at the time I should have gone home and ended it there. I fell for him pretty hard. My first indication he had done something was when I was pregnant with my second child and we had roommates renting the upper level of our home. He no longer had a motor bike which he loved to ride and this roommates wife had a beautiful Harley-Davidson. I allowed him to go on a motorcycle ride with her which turned into 8 hours. I did not feel like the woman was his type and I did not feel threatened so I allowed him to take that ride. After 8 hours with no indication or phone call that he was okay I became worried and angry. I do believe he had an affair that day. After the fact when we had troubles with these roommates it came out that she had been making the moves on him for quite a long time. Since I'm not stupid I do believe they had an affair. That was in the summer of 1996. My second indication wasn't until we drove together in a semi truck in 2015. One night I got off duty late and my H didn't have to drive for a couple hours, it was very late. So I had some trouble parking the trailer and needed lights so that I could sweep it out for him. It was a nice big lot and I had to park the truck in the opposite direction that you normally park because the truck had steering issues and I needed the light from a Street Lamp. I swept the trailer for him so that he didn't have to wake up and do it at 2 a.m.. The reason this is important to tell you is because of what he said to me next. I crawled in bed and went in to a sound sleep. When he woke up, he yelled in my ear that I was so selfish(for parking backwards). But there was nothing behind us to make it hard to back out.Another time while I was sleeping he said he made a mistake when he married me (no provocation). On another day we were coming into Florida and I was excited. We were going to the beach, I reached over and touched his leg and smiled. He told me, "You know one day, I'm going to leave you". I went to the back bunk the process what he had just said to me. I grabbed his phone from behind the curtain and there was a social media site with a woman contacting him. At this point I asked my boss for my own truck. We didn't talk to each other for approximately 8 weeks. During that time I looked at his Facebook page and saw him liking all of the posts of one particular woman that worked at the same company I worked at. I knew he had his nose up her butt. That's all the proof I needed. That woman being a good Christian woman dropped him. I didn't need to go any further with that. But I put it in the archives. A couple of years ago; I believe it was 2017, in the summer he was planning a trip to Canada on the motorcycle to see family. I discovered a meet up with a woman in Canada. I messaged the woman and asked her why she was going to meet my husband. Instead of answering the question, she blocked me. Fast forward to last summer, I lent my daughter-in-law one of his old phones because hers was broken and she discovered all kinds of pornographic content on the phone. I researched it and to my disappointment I found that many of those sites were hookup sites with names like get f tonight, etc. Etc. I contacted him once again while he was in Canada and read him the Riot Act. I compare pornography to drugs you start out with your gateway drug and the same way with pornography you get into things or open up doorways maybe that were not meant to be opened. Now I am the kind of W that will get on the phone with my H and have fun with sexting or video. He doesn't have to go elsewhere in other words. My most recent suspicion is even crazier. I have a phone service which is great because I can I can monitor phone call occurrences, text message occurrences. This is when I noticed a certain phone number came up over and over, and over throughout the day, out of Joplin Missouri. This is where our company is located. I found call and text occurrences with that same phone number and once again constant. You don't usually see activity like that unless it's a love relationship. However, this was a man's number. When H got home, I looked at the text and found a big boobed woman in what looks like a hotel room. I'm not sure if that picture was sent by H or his friend. There were also comments about getting the Vaseline and little hearts from his friend. At this point I'm starting to think. The next thing I noticed is he starts deleting the messages from this OM. He brings OM to my home for Christmas. Just about every behavior of OM at my home was weird or inappropriate. I won't go into every detail but to make a long story short I saw him pinch my husband's tit, Yes you heard me right I am sorry for the Jerry Springer description. I saw him sit on my husband's lap on the couch. My son saw him do that another time. And then when my husband was being silent and weird I saw OM, sit next to my husband and look longingly into his eyes. I pretended to not notice. Once again I found pornography on my husband's phone, and that the messages had been erased to the OM. The pornography was of Acts of sodomy. I decided to question him if he was having an affair with this OM. I asked about H visit to Massage parlor. The massage was $164.00. Should be in price range of $100 for normal massage. I think he paid for a happy ending. H immediately got defensive, H avoids issues, or dealing with confrontations. He turns it into a big fight when I told him I didn't want to fight I just wanted to ask him a question. It heated up an escalated from there. He will not talk to me at the moment, 3 weeks now. I asked a friend if the OM is bi . He said he believes so.
At this point I would be willing to allow him to keep everything as long as property is willed to my children. I don't even know if this is possible. I think I've been through so many things with him that at this point I'm ready to have a separation and move forward so that he can't touch my finances afterwards.
I have been married for 25 years in February and I don't understand how you can be so close to somebody and not be best friends. Or even consider taking a friendship of 25 years and decimate it. I do love him. We have had good times. But in our last conversation he said two things to me, "I wouldn't be in this place if it weren't for you". "And if you don't like it there's the door". I apologize for my punctuation but I'm putting this together on my phone so please bear with my punctuation problems as I don't travel with a computer.
I think my marriage is played out. I am trying to process and heal. I am glad I found this site because infidelity is a character issue. It isn't my fault. Pain is a great teacher. I didn't do these things to him, I was a good wife, mother, cook, cleaner, barber, bookkeeper, lover, seamstress, maid, provider.
I am setting my boundaries. I will not be home when he is there, my services are removed, the bill is unpaid. I am strong, I survived 25 years with a selfish, self serving person, for my children. Like Job(e), my life will be restored. My God gives me my worth (no man can do that) I am sitting back on the princess chair where the king expects his daughter to be treated respectfully and honorably. I am honorable, honest, loving, and I deserve to treated the same.

sorryforeverythi posted 2/1/2020 10:11 AM

He told you how little he values you. Deal with his cheating or there's the door. Stand up and start walking.

This guy is a douche. He cheated, he lied, he didn't start an affair on the motorcycle trip he fucked another women.

You need to accept it's over, call a lawyer and get the hell out. He doesn't deserve you.

Let him go be his pervy self with his best buddy. You deserve better.

He is trash, so take him to the curb and don't look back.

The1stWife posted 2/1/2020 12:17 PM

Don’t let the door hit him in the butt.

He’s doesn’t have to know you want to go. Start with getting your plan together. Say nothing to him.

You know he’s cheating and has for decades. You don’t need a conversation. You need an exit plan and go fight for what is yours - 50% of all of it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:00 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 2/1/2020 13:14 PM

I’m pretty sure you are married to a monster. I think you have Stockholm syndrome. It happens to people who have no rights.....like those who are kidnapped.

See a lawyer.Tie up your finances and leave. There is not a piece of furniture or a piece of property worth one more minute of putting up with him. You have too much life left to live to ever look at this man again.

pearlamici posted 2/1/2020 18:21 PM

See two three and four or more lawyers ASAP ... don't even try to hide it - if he asks - give him back his own words

"And if you don't like it there's the door"

. Look in the upper left hand corner and read the healing library (*180). Your name says it all {{Thatsnotlove}}

Thatsnotlove posted 2/2/2020 20:05 PM

Thanks for your support and advice. It is good to see many other people who care about being faithful and good. I am traveling and work about 60-70 hrs per week so things will move like a 🐢. The best I can do immediately is file for a separation. But I have to be ready to get some of my things moved fairly quick when I do. My son said my 3 children will not let him off the hook for cheating but they do not have concrete proof nor do I want to share the latest episode with them. Maybe I should. I certainly didn't want my son to hear about this while he was in Afghanistan. He is back now last week he arrived. The last thing is really hard for my kids to believe. As for me I don't need to catch the act. My oldest is meeting his France's parents and just need this negativity. He is in a happy place, he doesn't need to worry about me. Neither do my other children. It made me realize I needed to reach out to SI. It is healing and educational to read about the patterns of the unfaithful. I have my moments but overall I am doing well. I remember thinking about leaving a few years ago. I opened my drawers to pack and realized I had nothing worth taking. What a revelation it was nothing. The stuff was nothing. When I found the phone porn/hookupsites last summer, I missed him after 2 weeks and swept it under the rug. He stayed off porn for awhile the demon came back. That is when I checked his phone and found the messages to the OM. The OM had a different name on on his messenger so I can't find it. It doesn't matter if their were 50 other AP's, how do you fix lack of character with discovery. H is just a low life that wants his cake (maid) and his lover too.

The1stWife posted 2/2/2020 20:41 PM

I’m sorry for you. I just don’t get why the cheaters don’t just “man up” and get a divorce. Why play this stupid game? Do they think the betrayed spouses are stupid?

Honestly you owe him nothing. Do what’s best for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:16 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 2/3/2020 08:20 AM

Separate your finances if you haven't already. Interview at least 3 attorneys. Take care of yourself.

Thatsnotlove posted 2/3/2020 09:42 AM

They like the benefits that come with turning your spouse into a side chick/dude. It seems to be a need for him to always have drama instead of peace. I don't understand why evil people do wicked things because I am not wicked. He could have treated me properly, worked with me on changes he wanted but instead he was an entitled justifying deceitful little wretch who gets off on stroking his own ego.

tushnurse posted 2/3/2020 17:27 PM

Take a week off work. Prior to that week make appts to see a couple of attorneys. Get all your financial info gathered and be ready to act.
Also schedule an appt with your dr to get full STD testing. He is a chronic cheater and your career actually puts you in a high risk group for STDs already (if you are OTR drivers). It sounds like your H is escalating in his behaviors and it's time for you to act before he gives you something permanent like Hepatitis or HIV.
You sound strong and have thought about thos a lot but it's time for you to take control back over your life.

Thatsnotlove posted 2/3/2020 20:43 PM

Thank you for your advise. I got tested in July but looks like I need to get tested a few more times. Well I plan to stay single for a long while. I do not have any room for cheaters in my future. I have to get into focus for moving on and protecting me. I have to save up for all the changes to come. You can only be dragged across the rocks so many times, then you just don't care about them any more. One of my coping mechanisms in the past was to switch myself off to not care mode. I have an on and off switch I call it. When the switch is on, the emotions flood in and I cry. When it is off, I have a protective shell, I am just unfeeling and disgusted. I noticed this time I felt like I was shown things, my eyes were opened, and I understood the why of WH behavior. I had a dream where I saw WH install 2 toilets in our house. I was starting at one of them and saw a bracket installed inside across the rim. It was for support accept I wondered why did a.toilet need support brackets. I knew it was ridiculous. All of the sudden I see a vision from the view of inside the toilet. Like a camera.looking up through the inside of the toilet, I saw the ceiling of my house the support beam. I realized it was for looking at people backsides and that a camera.was in the house too. I guess it was a dirty thing to view people backsides like a voyeur would. Well in essence that is the extreme he is committing. In any case I was showed his line of thinking like telling me he got a massage.for his aching back. He didn't need to tell me but I think WH doesn't like liars, WH always told me his lying sister bothered him. It was his way of covering for what really happened at the massage.parlour so he didn't have to lie if I found out another way.

Thatsnotlove posted 2/3/2020 20:43 PM

Thank you for your advise. I got tested in July but looks like I need to get tested a few more times. Well I plan to stay single for a long while. I do not have any room for cheaters in my future. I have to get into focus for moving on and protecting me. I have to save up for all the changes to come. You can only be dragged across the rocks so many times, then you just don't care about them any more. One of my coping mechanisms in the past was to switch myself off to not care mode. I have an on and off switch I call it. When the switch is on, the emotions flood in and I cry. When it is off, I have a protective shell, I am just unfeeling and disgusted. I noticed this time I felt like I was shown things, my eyes were opened, and I understood the why of WH behavior. I had a dream where I saw WH install 2 toilets in our house. I was starting at one of them and saw a bracket installed inside across the rim. It was for support accept I wondered why did a.toilet need support brackets. I knew it was ridiculous. All of the sudden I see a vision from the view of inside the toilet. Like a camera.looking up through the inside of the toilet, I saw the ceiling of my house the support beam. I realized it was for looking at people backsides and that a camera.was in the house too. I guess it was a dirty thing to view people backsides like a voyeur would. Well in essence that is the extreme he is committing. In any case I was showed his line of thinking like telling me he got a massage.for his aching back. He didn't need to tell me but I think WH doesn't like liars, WH always told me his lying sister bothered him. It was his way of covering for what really happened at the massage.parlour so he didn't have to lie if I found out another way.