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I am mentally defeated

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moonmatt posted 2/6/2020 08:20 AM

I haven't posted in a while. But last night was HORRIBLE. I thought maybe I was done and didn't need to share anymore. I was wrong.

In short, my D-day was 05 Dec 2013. She denied and denied even after I cracked her password on her phone and looked at messages on facebook. She started talking strange on 01 Dec 2013 after I returned from a hunting trip the night before. I don't hunt often, once every 2-3 years, but went because my dad has Alzheimer's and it was going to be the last with him and my brothers together. Anyways, she started talking about if we married to early in life. I was 25 and she was 21. I didn't think so and wrote out how I had wanted her from the time we first met. She said nothing happened but I strongly suspected she was lying. I was right.

On 14 April 2014 it finally came out. I called her from work and she dumped it all on me while I was in an enclave. She had a PA with a guy I had welcomed into my house. Let me say that again. Welcomed into my house. Not because I liked, him because I didn't. Didn't like him, his wife, or even his kids. But because my wife asked me to get to know him and his wife, and I loved my wife and wanted to make her happy, I did it. Boy was that a kick to the groan. He moved a few weeks after she had started talking crazy on 05 Dec 2013. But it was during my trip that they had the PA. He was now over a 1000 miles away. I thought I had dodged the bullet and instead took a 50 cal to the chest.

On 08 July 2014 I had this suspicion that there was more to this soap opera. So while she was out I went through her nightstand and found an old letter she had sent to another guy she had an affair with. WHAT????? Another affair. She said she wasn't sure she was ever going to tell me when I confronted her. I had BEGGED her to just tell me the TRUTH with the first guy. Get me to the bottom so I can heal I repeated over and over. I'm a truth guy. Never, ever, ever lie to me. Because I will find out. My philosphy, get me to the bottom so I can start healing. She's more into giving little bread crumbs only. Give you enough just so that I won't go off the deep end. Let me be clear, she had already gutted me back in April. There wasn't anything left. I mentally crashed and we went to our marriage counselor where he asked her point blank about any others. She said there was one more but that they had just emailed each other a little bit and he moved away. An EA only, no biggie right?

Fast forward 6 years. Six years filled with all sorts of lying, mis-direction, narcistic attitudes, and blaming my depression, which many in my family have, on why she did what she did. I didn't want the depression. It's who I am. It didn't matter I was on meds and went to a counselor. It also didn't matter that her own sister had been diagnosed with depression. She got a free pass. I did not.

Anyways, so a couple of Sundays ago she thought it would be a good idea to have her sister and husband take the kids for a few hours. That was on 26 Jan 2020. I had NOOOOOO idea why. She proceeds to tell me that she wants us to have better communication and that that comes from being honest. Honest? I've been being honest for the last 6 years. Your the one that has continued to lie. She proceeds to tell me that the guy she only had an EA with she actually made out with. He was her instructor for just a week long course she need to take in order to renew her teacher's license.

So this led mentally reduced me to ashes again.
Hey, no big deal. Just slid my tongue in another guys mouth. He was married with 3 kids.
A week and a half later I decided to finally confirm what I thought I knew but come to find out I was wrong.

Guy 1: Found out about him last but he was actually the first. Found him on facebook in 12 seconds. Thanks facebook. I confirmed the coward by showing her a picture of him. Me: Is this him. Her: Yes. Me: How long did it last? Her: 1 day. Me: How far did it go. Her: Kissing only.

Guy 3: Changing order because this was the FIRST guy she admitted to but was actually the 3rd she had an affair with. I have 206 pages of text messages and emails between them and what they did. I know way to much and will NEVER see her again in the same light.

Guy 2: The unknown. He was the second affair but all I had was a letter without much context.
She made reference in the letter of wanting to give him more but knew it wasn't right. I thought they just must have kissed. WRONG. We have mutual friends so it wasn't hard to find this jerk. Me: Is this him? Her: yes. Me: How long did it last? Her: 2 months. Me: Two months, are you kidding? 'By the way this was when we were building a house. What the crap.' Me: How far did it go? Her: Looking very calm like this was no big deal. Oral sex. Me: Oral sex? What the hell. Her: I thought you knew. Me: How in the hell would I know?

So I started having a panic attack and what better time to leave the house then during an ice storm in a minivan. I hit the trash can as I desperately tried to see through the windshield.

I am a TRUTH person. Just tell me the truth. My wife only allowed me to know what she wanted me to know over the last 6 years. Death by a 1000 paper cuts I'd like to say.

So here's the question. I love my wife but knowing that 3 men... at a minimum, have also had her in some way sickens me to no end. She swears up and down that there are no more. She's lied about that over and over so I don't believe her. Also, I begged her years ago to get tested for STDs. I have only been with one woman in my life - intercourse wise. I have NEVER been unfaithful to my wife in our nearly 20 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters: 14 and 10. I stayed for them initially and hoped it would change that I also stayed for my wife but I'm out of gas and mentally exhausted.

So what do you all say?

Me: 45, I am mentally a veggie
Her: 40-3/4, she believes we've made progress over the last 6 years and wants to save the marriage but I don't TRUST her. She currently is at a 3 out of 10 on the trust-o-meter scale.

Marz posted 2/6/2020 08:44 AM

Google serial cheater.

Hg65 posted 2/6/2020 08:46 AM

Go get yourself tested for STDs and do not TOUCH her again.

She is a serial cheater. She is so far gone, not sure she will ever be wife material again.

Go talk with a lawyer. Actually FILE. You can always stop the process later. That will let her know you do not plan on enabling her behavior. You need to protect yourself.

Expose her to everyone. Her family and friends.

180 her. Read about it in the library provided here.

Only take care of you and daughters. Do not lift a finger for her.

She needs intense therapy.


fooled13years posted 2/6/2020 08:59 AM

moonmatt, I am so sorry that your WW has put you in this position.

She had a PA with a guy I had welcomed into my house. Let me say that again. Welcomed into my house. Not because I liked, him because I didn't. Didn't like him, his wife, or even his kids. But because my wife asked me to get to know him and his wife, and I loved my wife and wanted to make her happy, I did it

There have been many people who have discussed how and when their WS brought the OP into their homes and lives.

My ExWW had her affair with a person I considered my best friend. He fathered her child.

He was supposedly my friend even before I started dating her.

For your WW to encourage you to get to know him when she knew what was going on is another level of betrayal.

blaming my depression, which many in my family have, on why she did what she did

She did what she did because she wanted to, not because of anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say, had or didn't have.

Until she admits this to herself I don't believe she will ever be a safe partner for you.

She currently is at a 3 out of 10 on the trust-o-meter scale

After reading what you wrote I am, quite frankly, surprised that your WW is not on the negative side of zero in your trust category.

Make no mistake about it, your WW is a serial cheater. Should R be your end goal it would appear as though she has a lot of work to do on herself.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/6/2020 08:59 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your situation MM. You have a serial cheater on your hands. Worse is that your serial cheater casually cheats like it's no big deal. You two have very different views of fidelity. Fidelity is something you learn early in life and is very hard to change as you get older.

Marriage counseling is a bit of a waste if your WW doesn't work out her personal issues first. You may think things are getting better but her behavior will re-appear in time if not dealt with individually first.

You have two main goals that desperately need to be accomplished if you want to have some form of mental peace in your life. 1. is get out of infidelity and 2. is take your life back. Taking your life back doesn't require divorce but it does require disconnecting yourself emotionally from your WW so your head can take over your thoughts and decisions. Many partners are co-dependent. This is killer when the one you're emotionally connected to betrays you. You must come to the realization that you can no longer depend on your WW for emotional support. She checked herself out of that role many years ago. You must now become your own man separate from your WW.

Your WW has thrust you into emotional hell again. You would do well to decide if this is the life you want to continue to live. My ex bludgeoned me with trickle truth, each time swearing that she'd told me everything. I decided to take my life back and disconnect from the mentally deranged woman that was destroying my will to live. I've never ever regretted my decision. You must decide what your want your future to be. This life is about you now. Don't waste any more years in mental misery. You have no control over your WW's choices but you can take your life back and make it better than it's ever been. I wish the best for you.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/6/2020 09:05 AM

I forgot to mention the importance of an iron-clad post-nuptial agreement. If you don't have one, get one ASAP. It protects your and your children's futures.

Also, I hope you've informed the betrayed spouses of you WW's affair partners. You would want someone to inform you. Do that favor for them too. Do not inform your WW that you're doing this. And any consequences are on your WW's head, not yours.

Again, I wish the best for you.

cannotforgive posted 2/6/2020 09:24 AM

You are mentally defeated finding out she is a serial cheater, but you will be mentally destroyed if you stay with a serial cheater.

File for your own well being and sanity.

I am sorry.

squid posted 2/6/2020 10:21 AM


Damn. I don't know how any marriage could survive that. I'm really sorry.

I agree putting an ironclad pre-nup in place. If there is even a SUSPICION of another lie being told, you should be GONE.

Hard 180 and get your ducks in a row. Staying for the kids isn't reasonable if you're being subjected to continuous emotional trauma. Could you stand to let your daughters see you treated this way?

If it were me, I'd be out of there. Again, really sorry you're dealing with this.

Westway posted 2/6/2020 11:01 AM

What everyone else says I agree with. Like yours, my STBXWW had no intentions of ever being true to me or our marriage. Your WW, like mine, has a need to live two separate lives. When she gets bored she goes and fucks other guys. She doesn't care about how you feel or how it will affect you. Her needs and desires are paramount. These are not the hallmarks of a wife or partner.

And don't for one minute believe that she didn't have sex with all three of them. At least when confronted with the evidence I collected, my WW had the decency to own up to the affairs I had proof of. Your WW is a lying sack of sh*t and she's never going to change. Divorce and free yourself from this prison.

Cooley2here posted 2/6/2020 11:30 AM

Right now it does not matter what label you try to put on her. She could be a narcissist, sociopath, a serial cheater or a sex addict. What is important is not who she is but what she does. She has taken a man fighting depression and pummeled him into the ground. I see no reason for you to stick around. You must have better things to do with your life then continue to try to fix whatever Is wrong with her

Robert22205https posted 2/6/2020 12:05 PM

The best predictor of future behavior is her past behavior. Why would she change now? Your pain and her marriage didn't matter in the past.

DNA your kids.

survrus posted 2/6/2020 12:07 PM


Very sorry you are having to live in this waking nightmare of surgery done without anesthesia.

My guess is that you have it backwards your WW may have manipulated you into depression because it better suits her desires. Your WW made you depressed to make it easier on her to cheat.

The unconditional love you gave her allowed her to abuse you, she saw it as weakness rather than a virtue of yours which it is.

The teacher who made out with her needs to be reported and fired from his job.

All the OM are owed widespread exposure, gather your evidence, gather everyone connected to the OMs then expose massively, suddenly and without warnings or threats. Especially do not tell your WW.

DNA tests for your kids, and tell the kids about the affairs, STD tests and a polygraph.

[This message edited by survrus at 12:08 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

farsidejunky posted 2/6/2020 12:35 PM

This dance of pain stops when you say it stops, MM.

You simply have to be willing to turn off the music.

fareast posted 2/6/2020 13:15 PM


Sorry you are going through this. You are yet another BS subjected to a wave of trickle truth (TT) that does even more destruction to the underpinnings of a M than the infidelity itself. Of course your WW never came clean about all of her infidelity six years ago simply to protect herself. And she topped off her lies of omission with gaslighting, misdirection and blameshifting over the intervening six years. Anything to take the heat off of herself. And all you wanted was the truth. And now six years later, out of the blue, she confesses to all of it.

Leaving you with a Grand Canyon gap in your ability to trust anything she says or does. Your WW is no Evel Knievel. She canít jump that gorge. I donít see how you are going to bridge that gap with everything that has transpired. My guess is that she thought it was safe now to confess and your reaction would not be to D. Maybe she had a little twinge of guilt, but I doubt it. Others may have other ideas on the motivation for her confession. But I donít think her motives matter in the long run. The damage is done.

As far as you know there has been no infidelity in the last six years. Sheís a serial cheater, why did she stop cheating for six years? Did she? You could have her take a polygraph test if you think it is worth your time. Or you can say you know enough and simply file for D. She has lied and put you through hell for her own selfish reasons. Good luck.

sisoon posted 2/6/2020 13:30 PM

Keep taking deep breaths. Your W cheated. Your W lied. You didn't.

Focus on figuring out what you want. If you want D, you'll save yourself a lot of misspent energy considering R.

If R is on your table, consider your requirements for R. Ask her to commit to meeting them. If she does, R is possible. If she doesn't, go straight to D.

It looks like your W may be willing to be honest - no more lies. That's something that R requires, IMO. So maybe she's now a good candidate for R....

But you have no obligation to offer R again. If you do want R, I recommend consulting with a good IC - you may be co-dependent, or you may be choosing R out of fear or depression, and a good IC can tell you that.

I'm sorry your W cheated. I'm even sorrier that she TTed you for 6 years - but it's good that you know.

SlapNutsABingo posted 2/6/2020 14:36 PM

MoonMatt, the people here are great and will help you out tremendously if you let them. You need to schedule a poly right now and go through with it even if you get a "Parking Lot " confession.

You cannot decide what you want to do, D or R, unless you have a better grasp on what you are dealing with. You have no idea if it was just those 3 or what was done with each. You will never get the truth from her.

Which should tell you enough already on how she feels about your healing.....

wifehad5 posted 2/6/2020 14:38 PM

Anyways, so a couple of Sundays ago she thought it would be a good idea to have her sister and husband take the kids for a few hours. That was on 26 Jan 2020.

What pushed her to do this? I'd be concerned that someone was going to out her for something, so she trying to cover herself.

hansvoleman posted 2/6/2020 15:03 PM

He was her instructor for just a week long course she need to take in order to renew her teacher's license.

She's a teacher?

Dismayed2012 posted 2/6/2020 15:38 PM


"DNA your kids." - Robert22205https

"DNA tests for your kids," - survrus

Again, sorry to hear about your situation.

The1stWife posted 2/7/2020 09:12 AM

Iím sorry for you and your children.

Mentally you have been pushing a Boulder up a hill with tremendous effort. Doesnít appear you have made any progress. Your wife is not going to change unless SHE decides to change.

Thatís a fact.

You have two choices here. Divorce is one option.

Youíve been trying to reconcile but she continues to cheat. If you want to stay with her and she wonít change, stop expecting her to be monogamous. You will stop having your heart crushed and stomped on every time you find out thereís another AP.

Those are your two Choices absent her getting professional help and figuring out why she chooses to cheat. It has nothing to do with you (despite what she wants you to believe). It has everything to do with her choice to cheat.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:41 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

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