I haven't posted in a while. But last night was HORRIBLE. I thought maybe I was done and didn't need to share anymore. I was wrong.
In short, my D-day was 05 Dec 2013. She denied and denied even after I cracked her password on her phone and looked at messages on facebook. She started talking strange on 01 Dec 2013 after I returned from a hunting trip the night before. I don't hunt often, once every 2-3 years, but went because my dad has Alzheimer's and it was going to be the last with him and my brothers together. Anyways, she started talking about if we married to early in life. I was 25 and she was 21. I didn't think so and wrote out how I had wanted her from the time we first met. She said nothing happened but I strongly suspected she was lying. I was right.
On 14 April 2014 it finally came out. I called her from work and she dumped it all on me while I was in an enclave. She had a PA with a guy I had welcomed into my house. Let me say that again. Welcomed into my house. Not because I liked, him because I didn't. Didn't like him, his wife, or even his kids. But because my wife asked me to get to know him and his wife, and I loved my wife and wanted to make her happy, I did it. Boy was that a kick to the groan. He moved a few weeks after she had started talking crazy on 05 Dec 2013. But it was during my trip that they had the PA. He was now over a 1000 miles away. I thought I had dodged the bullet and instead took a 50 cal to the chest.
On 08 July 2014 I had this suspicion that there was more to this soap opera. So while she was out I went through her nightstand and found an old letter she had sent to another guy she had an affair with. WHAT????? Another affair. She said she wasn't sure she was ever going to tell me when I confronted her. I had BEGGED her to just tell me the TRUTH with the first guy. Get me to the bottom so I can heal I repeated over and over. I'm a truth guy. Never, ever, ever lie to me. Because I will find out. My philosphy, get me to the bottom so I can start healing. She's more into giving little bread crumbs only. Give you enough just so that I won't go off the deep end. Let me be clear, she had already gutted me back in April. There wasn't anything left. I mentally crashed and we went to our marriage counselor where he asked her point blank about any others. She said there was one more but that they had just emailed each other a little bit and he moved away. An EA only, no biggie right?
Fast forward 6 years. Six years filled with all sorts of lying, mis-direction, narcistic attitudes, and blaming my depression, which many in my family have, on why she did what she did. I didn't want the depression. It's who I am. It didn't matter I was on meds and went to a counselor. It also didn't matter that her own sister had been diagnosed with depression. She got a free pass. I did not.
Anyways, so a couple of Sundays ago she thought it would be a good idea to have her sister and husband take the kids for a few hours. That was on 26 Jan 2020. I had NOOOOOO idea why. She proceeds to tell me that she wants us to have better communication and that that comes from being honest. Honest? I've been being honest for the last 6 years. Your the one that has continued to lie. She proceeds to tell me that the guy she only had an EA with she actually made out with. He was her instructor for just a week long course she need to take in order to renew her teacher's license.
So this led mentally reduced me to ashes again.
Hey, no big deal. Just slid my tongue in another guys mouth. He was married with 3 kids.
A week and a half later I decided to finally confirm what I thought I knew but come to find out I was wrong.
Guy 1: Found out about him last but he was actually the first. Found him on facebook in 12 seconds. Thanks facebook. I confirmed the coward by showing her a picture of him. Me: Is this him. Her: Yes. Me: How long did it last? Her: 1 day. Me: How far did it go. Her: Kissing only.
Guy 3: Changing order because this was the FIRST guy she admitted to but was actually the 3rd she had an affair with. I have 206 pages of text messages and emails between them and what they did. I know way to much and will NEVER see her again in the same light.
Guy 2: The unknown. He was the second affair but all I had was a letter without much context.
She made reference in the letter of wanting to give him more but knew it wasn't right. I thought they just must have kissed. WRONG. We have mutual friends so it wasn't hard to find this jerk. Me: Is this him? Her: yes. Me: How long did it last? Her: 2 months. Me: Two months, are you kidding? 'By the way this was when we were building a house. What the crap.' Me: How far did it go? Her: Looking very calm like this was no big deal. Oral sex. Me: Oral sex? What the hell. Her: I thought you knew. Me: How in the hell would I know?
So I started having a panic attack and what better time to leave the house then during an ice storm in a minivan. I hit the trash can as I desperately tried to see through the windshield.
I am a TRUTH person. Just tell me the truth. My wife only allowed me to know what she wanted me to know over the last 6 years. Death by a 1000 paper cuts I'd like to say.
So here's the question. I love my wife but knowing that 3 men... at a minimum, have also had her in some way sickens me to no end. She swears up and down that there are no more. She's lied about that over and over so I don't believe her. Also, I begged her years ago to get tested for STDs. I have only been with one woman in my life - intercourse wise. I have NEVER been unfaithful to my wife in our nearly 20 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters: 14 and 10. I stayed for them initially and hoped it would change that I also stayed for my wife but I'm out of gas and mentally exhausted.
So what do you all say?
Thanks,
Me: 45, I am mentally a veggie
Her: 40-3/4, she believes we've made progress over the last 6 years and wants to save the marriage but I don't TRUST her. She currently is at a 3 out of 10 on the trust-o-meter scale.