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What Should I Do?

Alice1977 posted 4/24/2020 09:54 AM

It's been over a year ago that I found out my husband had a 3 month physical affair with someone that works in the same facility. Before DDay he had actually ended the affair, and a week later he told me. One day I'll put the story on my bio. After tons of work, MC and IC we are happily reconciled. I haven't talked to anyone about the affair except my IC, and my husband. I've told no one. They still work together but there is NC from the time he ended it. She has been blocked and she wasn't someone he would run into. I always thought she was a single mom. Well, I have looked at her social media account and today I looked at dates. Her profile says "in a relationship" and today I found a picture of her and her BF but it was dated before the affair, meaning they might have been dating during her affair. The rest of her profile is privacy restricted. During my investigation I found the name of her BF. Should I contact him and tell him about the affair?
Again, I'm unsure if they were actually dating during affair so it might be a non issue for him. Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?
I just don't know what to do. I guess my fear is if I do tell him, she's going to start running her mouth. Right now, as far as I know, the affair was truly secret.

looking forward posted 4/24/2020 10:13 AM

I suggest you reread the responses on your February 11th thread in General, "Obsessed with the OW."
You were given great advice!

Alice1977 posted 4/24/2020 10:26 AM

Yes I agree I was given great advice, which I took to heart.
This question was should I contact her BF? If they were dating during the affair, should I tell him or just leave him in the dark?

looking forward posted 4/24/2020 10:36 AM

You would still be inviting her back into your life.
For all you know, the photo could have been an older one; maybe they dated and then broke up prior to her affair with your H, and now they're back together.
If you really want to know, then be prepared for the secrecy to end.
Open communication with your H would also help. It's obvious you still have questions and he is the one to answer them.

looking forward posted 4/24/2020 10:44 AM

P.S.

You are denying your own reality.

happily reconciled

How? You still have questions!
I've told no one.

I guess my fear is if I do tell him, she's going to start running her mouth. Right now, as far as I know, the affair was truly secret.

Under these circumstances, you don't have any support system other than your H and IC. For the rest of your life you'll have to pretend that your marriage is "happily reconciled."

Alice1977 posted 4/24/2020 11:15 AM

I'm not sure why you think I'm denying my own reality. We have worked extremely hard to get through this horrible time in our marriage. Why do I have to bring in other people who have no education or training on how I feel, or what I should do just to get their one sided opinion of something that doesn't affect them. I went straight to an IC, and then into MC taking our problems to trained proffessionals that know how to deal with the affair. To help us both deal and heal. This is the forum that I vent and read, talking to people that have lived and are going through the same issues.
I do not feel like I am pretending to be happily reconciled because if I were pretending I wouldn't have to work this hard.
Maybe what I should have said was happily reconciling.

[This message edited by Alice1977 at 11:16 AM, April 24th (Friday)]

northeasternarea posted 4/24/2020 12:31 PM

No, you shouldn't contact her BF.

RedGlass posted 4/24/2020 12:45 PM

I'm of the opinion that once no contact is firmly in place, it applies to everyone without exception.

It's been over a year. Let it go.She's gone and you say you're happy for the most part.

Don't start nothing, won't be nothing.

Minnesota posted 4/24/2020 13:45 PM

I took a lot of raised eyebrows at me on here when I was just finding out because i didn't tell OBS. I had reasons of my own. Some were good and some were dumb. I don't regret not telling her. He told her or she found out or something. ABout a year later, I asked opnion on here about reaching out to her and was rightly slapped down. I do think every situation is different.

From you you wrote here, (I didn't see your other thread)- I say it's ok to let it go. You don't have to tell him. And it sounds like you're not really sure anyway if she cheated on him. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she learned her lesson. Maybe she'll it to him. Maybe monkeys will fly out of her ass singing Justin Bieber songs. Kinda doesn't matter.

You've put a lot of work into reconciling with your H. Would that move you forward or backward? The windshield is better than the rear view mirror.

But I would suggest you look at "happily reconciled" statement. I'm not saying you haven't done a ton of really hard work, and I'm not saying you haven't come a really hard long way. But being here, getting support, says maybe there is more work to do. And more healing to happen. It doesn't mean you aren't committed to making your marriage work and last, it just is looking at honestly what you still need.

Peace!

Jesusismyanchor posted 4/24/2020 13:46 PM

I just listened to a very good podcast about "What is NC"? It pointed out that true NC also means not looking up OP on social media, inquiring about their life or what they are doing. I agree with this sentiment. You looked her up and now she is in your head space some. You do not know if they were together. I say leave it alone and stop looking her up. Truly go NC and leave her out of your life completely and out of your head. If you open that door you may be inviting her back in to your life in a way that you really do not want. Leave the door closed and walk away is my humble suggestion. I know it is hard to do.

tushnurse posted 4/24/2020 14:54 PM

Let lying dogs lie... or in this case, lay.

There is no known cheating that occurred on her side of the relationship that you are aware of. That said, I would encourage you to focus a bit more on you and your healing.

Infidelity is a huge trauma, and no one, and i mean no one, not even those with intensive thereapy, and a background in helping others through it, get through it in a year. It is normal to have urges, and pain that waxes and wanes as you rebuild and start new, but know this takes years and years to reach a new healthy normal.

I would suggest if you have questions you ask them of your H. Open communication, and honestly is the only absolute things you need to have a successful R.

Alice1977 posted 4/24/2020 14:58 PM

Thank you all so much for the advice. You are all absolutely right. I will stop looking her up on social media, and I won't contact him. The only person I am hurting is myself.

Marie2792 posted 4/24/2020 18:39 PM

I am usually in the camp of telling them OBS. In this case I would let it go unless there was a risk of STD. I havenít read your other thread that Iím aware of or if I did it was when you originally posted it. I would be suggesting that when the world regains itís balance, your husband looks for another job if OW is still employed there.

OwningItNow posted 4/24/2020 20:08 PM

After tons of work, MC and IC we are happily reconciled.

Alice1977, I've seen other posters in prior years who handled things the way you have, and I just want you to know that while imho you may be on the path, you are not "happily reconciled" yet. You just joined this website in January, so you obviously still have lots of questions and need an outlet.

First of all, I have never read one single word of anger or blame toward your H in any of your posts. It is instead only directed at the OW. Almost every post you write is something like:

She pursued my H
She wanted my life
She's a dirty whore
She deserves karma
She is a horrible person

The thing is, she can be and probably is all of those things. So then why did your H accept the offer of a dirty, nasty loser? Why did he break your vows for this? Why did he meet this disgusting, vile, broke ass, skank of a woman 23 times for sex in three months? That's a lot of sex. And yet your posts repeatedly paint the A as all her???? Not even possible. That story simply does not work, not 23 times.

Secondly, you seem proud of telling no one. Why are you protecting him? He has suffered zero consequences. If you tell OW boyfriend, he may kick your WH's ass. I think that might be a good thing. What do you think? Do you think your WH needs consequences?

Third, I am curious how you know they have not had contact in a year. You say it in every post, so this obviously matters to you (as it should). But how exactly are you so sure? Maybe he is just nice when he sees her, no messaging? Working together post affair is highly uncommon and causes anxiety, and yet you seem so confident.

I believe that in your immediate desperation and trauma, you most likely moved right into saving and keeping the M. That's normal and totally understandable. Your H was saying and doing all the right things, which was great because you were terrified the cheating meant your whole life was about to go upside down. So there was relief instead of 100% anger, gratitude with only a smidge of fury, and mostly there was sadness. It's "Were you going to leave me?" instead of "You mother f$cker, I am going to leave you!!!!" when we are scared. It's pain and not anger. And frequently when a BS feels this fear and desperation to keep the M, they put ALLLLLL of their bitter blame and white hot anger in the AP's direction. As we frequently say here, "It's safe." These BS become obsessed. It is just my opinion, but until a betrayed feels their full rage at their WS--no longer caring if their WS stays or goes, getting it all out, really making the WS feel they may lose the M, the BS can't fully heal from the trauma. And it is also my opinion that WS who do not feel the anger from their BS, do not feel the fear of losing everything, do not feel the humiliation and consequences are more likely to cheat again. BS have this notion that their pain is felt by their WS, that watching them cry is a consequence. That is projection at its finest because most BS would suffer watching their partner cry, but for a WS, it is not a consequence or concern. If that were the case, the WS wouldn't have cheated in the first place. They obviously aren't so devastated by the idea of a traumatized partner.

I just thought I would let you know that when you struggle to not check the OW's social media, to not think about her or fantasize about her demise, when you struggle to get your rapid heart rate of rage under control while you think of her and can't seem to resist scouring the internet for info about her, you might want to consider that those feelings of rage toward her may never go away until you look at the man you married and blame him. Whenever you think, "If she wouldn't have . . ." then snap that rubber band on your wrist and instead ask yourself, "But why did he let her?" When you say to yourself, "She's such a whore!" think, "I am married to someone who wanted to have sex with a whore. Will he want to have sex with another one?" And when you think, "She pursued him," force yourself to admit, "He obviously enjoyed being pursued. And had sex with her 23 times." She only matters to you now because he chose her as the instrument to hurt you. Feel the anger when it comes to get over this fully.

I wish you the best, but you have a lot more hard work to do before you will really be reconciled. The low parts of the rollercoaster are yet to come. I know this post sounds bitchy as hell and I'm sorry because I genuinely don't mean it that way, but lying to ourselves and denying reality are just not healthy. And that's what I think previous posters were trying to tell you.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 8:21 PM, April 24th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 4/25/2020 06:28 AM

I believe you ARE happily reconciled.

And you are human. Itís been 1 year. I was still checking the OW on social media after one year of reconciliation.

IMO one has nothing to do with the other.

You will get happier once you stop checking in the OW. You wonít know it immediately but you will have a freeing sense.

Best of luck to you. Keep posting.

Alice1977 posted 4/25/2020 19:17 PM

OwningItNow you are The OW in someone else's story. Because of this fact I will NEVER take to heart anything you have to say.

The1stWife thank you so much for your response. I greatly appreciate it. You are right, if I continue to give her my time, I am only hurting myself.

looking forward posted 4/25/2020 19:47 PM

OwningItNow you are The OW in someone else's story. Because of this fact I will NEVER take to heart anything you have to say.

Really! The viewpoints of both sides are very educational, and it's obvious to me that you only want to hear positive reinforcement, such as your response to The1stWife.
OwningItNow made valid points that you should consider, but I happen to disagree with her assertion that a WS cannot feel their BS's pain, but that's another thread...

Jesusismyanchor posted 4/25/2020 20:48 PM

IMO happily reconciling, (which I think you mentioned may be the more appropriate term to the word police), does not mean that there are not still up and downs, pain, looking back at times, triggers and so on. It only means you are happily reconciling and moving forward and making progress toward that goal. I think you are listening and learning that looking back is pain shopping and us BS know because we have all done it! Letting OW go is a process. R is a process. It does not look the same for everyone.

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