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Reconciling everything

NotTheSideChick posted 4/24/2020 23:17 PM

How do you make sense of the fact that the person you loved, married, planned a life with, brought you HERE?! The person you felt so safe with, totally disrespected you and didnít care at all about you. And the kids. How did they not care about the kids?!

HOW are they inherinently THAT selfish and that broken, and you had no idea? How do you come to grips with this? I donít even think a remorseful spouse or the mystical ďwhysĒ can give you that peace.

As a BS, I feel like such a dang fool. How do you trust yourself again?

Justsomeguy posted 4/25/2020 00:21 AM

I couldn't. Still can't. Early on after dday, my WW said she knew this was a dealbreaker. I tried for 7 months before I recognized that she was incapable of personal growth. So I pulled the plug. Its hard, I'm sad and lonely, but I now also know peace. It's the feeling of peace and getting my soul back that I hold onto. In the end you will know what to do, stay or go. Choosing to do it is the tough part.

The1stWife posted 4/25/2020 06:04 AM

As a BS, I feel like such a dang fool. How do you trust yourself again

First Iím sorry you are here but you will receive great advice and support.

You ask some great questions - ones we have all thought about and wrestled with from time to time.

I am 7 years past Dday. My response to your question is at first I felt like a fool. This was his second affair. The first was a 4 year EA that he denied and was completely rugswept.

My reward for being a loving wife? A second affair that led him to want a D.

How could I have been soooooo stupid???

Iím not! The cheater is. The cheater is the broken person with the idea that an affair will solve their problems.

I suggested counseling for us during my Hís affair. He refused - because he was still cheating (false reconciliation). I went and got stronger and worked on myself. I addressed my issues and shortcomings.

If your cheating spouse is unhappy - and marriages do fail - they have the opportunity to be respectful and decent. I told my H Iím not an idiot and that people fall out of love and if he ever had the feeling that he wanted out or was unhappy or whatever - please do not cheat. Man up. Say it. Be honest. Because I will still have respect for you.

I said it one month before I learned of his last affair. Coward!

In your case ó he chose to be a coward and cheat.

You are not a fool. The cheater is. It just takes time to realize it.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:09 AM, April 25th (Saturday)]

landclark posted 4/25/2020 06:46 AM

Iím not quite a year out, and honestly still canít reconcile it all. How could he be so loving and attentive now that he got caught? So it took him getting caught to finally be a good person? Broken or not, I honestly donít understand how somebody can carry on a ten year lie while treating the people they supposedly love like crap. I donít think I will ever be able to understand. Sure there are the whys and hows, but bottom line for me is that he simply wanted it, and didnít care enough about me or his kids to change until he was forced.

Notmine posted 4/25/2020 09:18 AM

I will be five years out in October. I still have trouble reconciling this guy today, who continues to do everything possible to be a safe partner to me, and the lying, cheating, selfish, disrespectful, entitled, douchbag that he was. I can say that it has taken a shitload of work on his part, on my part and on our part to have what I would call an equal partnership. Equal in terms of power in the relationship, but not equal in the damage brought into the relationship. This disparity (in the damage caused) continues to cause triggering in me and feelings of shame and guilt for him, so there is dysfunction which will never completely go away. Trust me, I am still pissed and devastated about some of the "cheater handbook" maneuvers he pulled, like his continuing contact while witnessing my destruction (just typing that irritates the shit out of me) and his inability to be a stronger and better person at the time, but I have learned to live with the wreckage from the affair. It is a bitter pill to swallow to live with this and to know the douchebag is a part of him that he will always have to work on, but he proves to me every day that he wants our marriage. I think that if I did not have a disabled child who would have been torn apart if we divorced, I might have made a different choice rather than to stay and work through the ramifications his shitty choices. I will say that it is a good life overall at this point and I am grateful for what I have. I will, however, always be fully cognizant of who I am married to.

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