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Should I be grateful?

SadLibrarian posted 5/19/2020 20:12 PM

I canít decide how much of what you have given me is a blessing when youíve tried to make it a curse.

You were the first woman I made love to. You taught me how to be intimate. How to kiss. How to touch. Then you decide my touch was repulsive. You taught me that my affection was so repugnant that you needed to avoid even passing affection just to make sure it never went further.

You were the first person to treat me like I mattered. You won me over by listening to me, and acting like what I had to say was interesting and we were on the same page. You convinced me we shared so much and saw the same world. But 20 years later you told me that was all a lie. That you were afraid and didnít want to be alone so you went along with me even though you never actually loved me. Then years ago you discovered who you really wanted to be, and the relationships you could have with people you actually liked. But you didnít share that with me either. You kept it a secret and pretended and lied at home to me while you became someone else with other men.

We discovered how to live life together as adults. NPR on Saturday mornings with coffee. A favorite meal of sushi and champagne. 8 mile walks along the lake just talking and holding hands. Vacations, holidays, church and friends. Then you decided to do all those things with another man. You walk by the lake with him now. Wear his t-shirts to sleep in when heís not with you. You cook him fancy dinners while I learn to cook for one. I learned so much about how to cook from you, and I guess I do benefit from it now.

I never had a pet before we got our first guinea pigs. And when we got a dog you were always upset that she liked me more than you. But we were a family and had so much fun together. But tomorrow you take her in the divorce. I agreed to it in the settlement so I have no one to blame, but I know keeping her makes me tied to you. I canít let you still have a thread to pull on as I try to become free, and that means I have to lose her. It will be worse for her in that shitty little one bedroom apartment with you gone at your job most days. No more yard. No more fetch. No more stairs to run up and down. You get what you want so who cares if itís worse for everyone else. But I didnít know how to love a pet, and now I do, even if you are using it to crush my heart?

I gave up everything, including my own self for you. And when you threw me aside with contempt it showed me that I didnít respect myself. So should I be grateful? I learned so much from you.

Tallgirl posted 5/20/2020 06:20 AM

((( (sadlibrarian))))

Sorry I donít know how that icon got there. I am so sorry. It was meant to be a big hug.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:23 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

LadyG posted 5/20/2020 21:57 PM

Chin up Mate.

Be grateful that you are a decent human being and that you loved someone.

Many of us here on SI had awful abusive marriages and we thought that was the norm. I have never loved, except my children and my dog and worse, never felt loved. I felt fear.

I cook for 1 + dog and sharing a simple meal with her sitting on the kitchen floor together is more valuable to me than sitting in a grand house at a grand table with someone who has no love or respect for me...

It gets easier... take it a day at a time 🙏🏼

BearlyBreathing posted 5/20/2020 23:57 PM

It takes time but you are wise to cut all strings. ((Hugs))

demolishedinside posted 5/21/2020 07:45 AM

SL,
Iím sorry she abused your love and trust. It definitely takes time to recover and find yourself again...but you will. That overwhelming feeling of grief and pain will lessen.

I know pets arenít replaceable but any chance youíd think about getting a puppy that is your new friend? There are many dogs at shelters right now and I know that many of us are working from home or limited hours (and boy do I miss my library!).

I know it seems like it will never get better, but it will. I have days of peace now. Itís different for sure but I never had what I thought I had, you know?

SadLibrarian posted 5/21/2020 15:00 PM

Thanks for all the replies and support. I might get myself a new furry friend. I finally move out of our old home together into my own new place at the start of July, and after that maybe I'll get my own dog that has never met her.

fooled13years posted 5/21/2020 15:20 PM

Most of my greatest learning experiences came from mistakes I made.

Getting a dog is a great idea if you have the time and resources to properly care for a new best friend.

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