"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

lilflower1000 posted 5/20/2020 07:09 AM

I just decided to D last night. He left and is sleeping in his truck. He had plenty of places to go including COWs house or other friends homes, but chose to sleep in his truck.

I worry about him, but I’m not sure what is the right thing to do. The right thing always seems so non- intuitive to me.

When he left there was no hollering yelling or crying although he did have some tears in his eyes.

He went and said goodnight to the kids but didn’t tell them he was leaving.

Okokok posted 5/20/2020 07:52 AM

Are you really committed to moving forward with the D process? Fully, 100% in?

Catwoman posted 5/20/2020 08:05 AM

If you are 100% sure you are wanting to divorce, then let your divorce papers do your talking.

Half-in/half-out is no place to live.

If you're still on the fence, maybe some IC would be helpful to guide you to clarity.

I am of the opinion that a good consequence for the WS is to behave like the divorce is already in place. That means not caring about his welfare and only discussing children and finances. It means setting up a parenting schedule. It means emotionally detaching.

You see, affairs are a 3-legged stool. You can balance easily on a 3-legged stool. You don't have to worry about keeping from falling with all three legs.

Take one leg away (you), and the whole landscape changes.

Cat

StillLivin posted 5/20/2020 11:20 AM

Two choices. Stay with a cheater who continues to lie and to stick his dick in strange, or leave a cheater and move forward into a better life. A life where you don't have to constantly wonder if he's with her or contacting her with "I love you's', and 'I can't wait to hold you in my arms."
I don't know, seems pretty logical. Who wants to be constantly on, looking for the next piece of evidence? You will forever be the affair police because this has been going on for years. Is it the same COW as the first affair?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:21 AM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

QVee posted 5/20/2020 14:37 PM

It takes awhile for the rest of your brain to catch up with recent events. I had the same thing happen to me. You're so used to caring for and caring about the spouse, that when you're made the decision to D, you have to remind yourself, "Spouse is not my problem anymore." It takes awhile to train yourself to get used to that.

Also a part of you is just sad at the situation. Is it sad that your WS is so F-ed up that he cheated and now has to spend the night in the back of his truck away from his kids? Yeah, that is sad. It's pathetic. But that's the choice he made, and now natural consequences have to take their course.

thatbpguy posted 5/20/2020 14:52 PM

If you have made this decision rationally and logically understand it's best for you and the kids, then just move forward with it. D is a very hard thing to do. Very hard. But sometimes it just needs to be done.

lilflower1000 posted 5/20/2020 17:00 PM

.

don't know, seems pretty logical. Who wants to be constantly on, looking for the next piece of evidence? You will forever be the affair police because this has been going on for years. Is it the same COW as the first affair?

This sums it up. I feel such a weight lifted since I’m no longer worried about what he’s doing. He tries to explain and I just say, “ not my business” He is being kind and I do want to get along w/ him since he is the dad of all four of my kids not to mention my grown step kids.He is also helping w/ getting a new home etc. I am thankful for that.

It is not the same COW. Last time was a 20 year old who was pregnant and on drugs. Don’t even ask if it was his baby. They both say no. Who the h*ll knows. My whole life is an episode of Jerry Springer. This time around it is some ugly construction worker chic. 🤣 I try not to judge in looks, but I jumped back when I saw her. Ugly inside and out.

Thanks again for all of your insight and encouragement.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 5:02 PM, May 20th (Wednesday)]

Okokok posted 5/20/2020 17:36 PM

He tries to explain and I just say, “ not my business”

This is the 180 in action, btw. Funny how it feels so great.

If you feel like giving in and engaging with him, I'd check in here before doing so.

LadyG posted 5/20/2020 20:44 PM

Sleeping in HIS truck is temporary.

He wants to come back. He wants you to ask him back.

If you cut off contact and This will be difficult for you to do, he will make other plans.

D is a very hard thing to do. Very hard. But sometimes it just needs to be done.

STBX WH kept telling me that he’s been advised that D was EASY!

So, I asked him to go get US one of those EASY D’s

It sounded like a damn good idea at the time... still waiting... 🙏🏼

Lalagirl posted 5/21/2020 08:13 AM

He had plenty of places to go including COWs house or other friends homes, but chose to sleep in his truck.

This is manipulation at its finest. If he has other places to go, sleeping in his truck is a sad ploy to gain your sympathy. Don't fall for it.

It's fine if you want to be civil for the kids, but IMO, communication between the two of you should be done electronically and only to discuss kids and finances. When he visits with the kids, go hang out in your bedroom/office away from him.

You can do this, lil - you have been in infidelity for much too long - it's not too late to get out.

Hugs,

Lala