"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

josiep posted 5/27/2020 07:39 AM

I've been divorced nearly 3 years now so I'm probably supposed to move to a different forum but this is my comfy place so please don't push me out of the nest quite yet.

48 years ago today, I married the man I was so crazy in love with. 3 yrs. ago on May 3, he admitted to his affair and left. 3 yrs. ago tomorrow, he came by to finalize the divorce agreement details that we'd hammered out over email and I haven't seen or talked to him since. It's been a very hard time and I still don't have any confidence that I'll ever get rid of the sadness that hangs over me. And of course, the month of May is one long drawn out trigger of sadness. I almost wish I'd just get angry so this sadness would lift. (and yes, I take an antidepressant which is prescribed by a psychiatrist who manages all my medications due to my sleep disorder on top of the depression and also still go to counseling).

So yesterday my DD calls all excited because she and SIL just bought a new truck. I was happy and excited for them but then she told me it's a Ford Ranger and I was upset the rest of the day because the EX searched high and low for months to buy his used Ford Ranger several years ago and is still driving it with nearly 200,000 miles on it and I know wants to buy a new one now that they're being made again. All I could think of was, did SIL talk to EX about buying the truck and did they have a great discussion and connect over it and was DD texting back and forth with her Dad about the details as they were negotiating at the dealership? I thought I was past the ruminating stuff but apparently not.

And the other night I was watching something that had a scene with parents standing together at their child's graduation or something and they were so proud of their child and it struck me for the first time that I'll never have that again and that about ripped my heart out. If he hadn't gone all scorched Earth with his Runaway act, we could've maintained a level of civility and perhaps even managed to be friendly on some level for the sake of the kids and grandkids. But no, in spite of my begging and my not doing or saying one negative thing, he had to do the "cut her out like a cancer and throw away the key" thing and pretend I never existed so the die is cast. And I hate that. I just hate it. I hate it more than I can express. And for what? So he can wake up in the mornings and look into the eyes of a homewrecking whore?

Bah humbug. I'll be glad when tomorrow comes and I can forget today. Lousy Mr. PoopyheadPoutyPants Rat Bastard.

zebra25 posted 5/27/2020 08:13 AM

Your story absolutely breaks my heart. I cannot imagine the difficulty trying to move on from such trauma.

If he did get a new truck, I hope a flock of birds do a fly over and carp all over it.

Huge hugs.

squid posted 5/27/2020 08:17 AM

I know this probably doesn't provide much solace. But I'll bet even if your DD and Lousy Mr. PoopyheadPoutyPants Rat Bastard did have an exchange about said truck, she still walked away with a bad taste in her mouth knowing that her dad walked out on you the way he did.

My dad was twice a cheater. As a result, I've got half siblings from 2 different mothers. The last one was a real homewrecker. When he was on his death bed and the 4 of us sibs would get together we all would chuckle with disappointment at was a shitty husband he was. "You just couldn't help yourself, could you?" Sure, we loved him. He was a little man with a huge personality. How could you not love him? He was adored by family, friends and colleagues alike. But he was deeply flawed. Almost comically f-ed up. When I saw the outpouring of praise and condolences following his death last year, I thought, "If you knew the chaos of the family circus that he was at the center of (that he CHOSE!) you might not have such high praise."

I don't have any words of wisdom. But I get it. I'm nowhere near healed. I get triggered from stuff that have nothing to do with Dday. When does that stop?

Big hug sent from the West coast to you on the East coast.

Braveyogi posted 5/27/2020 18:29 PM

josiep - just wanted to let you know you've been heard and my heart is sad for you and the loss and trauma you've faced. I love what zebra25 and squid said. This sadness can be overwhelming and the rumination can be an unfortunate part of this. I have no great words of wisdom, but am sending you hugs and compassion for what you're going through. You are definitely not alone. I too have been divorced 3 years this month, and the sadness, depression, sorrow still linger. I don't know if I'll ever get rid of it but am working to find ways to surf it more effectively. Sending you hugs as you move through this.

steadychevy posted 5/27/2020 18:52 PM

I have no words of wisdom, josiep. 3 years is still within the infamous 2 to 5 to heal. Hopefully each year will have less of an effect. May is your particularly bad month. May will soon be over. Strength to you. I'm sorry.

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/27/2020 18:52 PM

I file tomorrow and really needed the laugh of hearing “mr poopypants.,,...rat Bastard.” My tummy is in knots so I like to read others stories to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel

Hurtingnconfused posted 5/27/2020 18:53 PM

I file tomorrow and really needed the laugh of hearing “mr poopypants.,,...rat Bastard.” My tummy is in knots so I like to read others stories to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel

WhoTheBleep posted 5/27/2020 20:05 PM

(((josiep)))

I'm so sorry. Rat bastard indeed.

LadyG posted 5/27/2020 20:10 PM

Hi josiep, good to hear from someone who is 3 years on and still grieving. This isn’t meant to sound flippant but I too feel that I will be grieving for the rest of my life.

It’s strange how a simple act of buying a Car and sharing in the joys with our children can make us sad. My eldest DS was car shopping last August and rather than consult WH, he called mother. WH was intensely jealous. But WH went out only weeks early to buy a car for younger DS without my knowledge until I got the bill. It makes me sick that WH took exAP for a drive in DS’s car before he had a chance to sit in it.

I won’t ask you to elaborate on your long marriage, but you are in no way a Cancer. You have been very gracious in the face of one of the most devastating traumatic experiences...

I met my STBX WH September 7, 1985. The day my life ended. I have been grieving for that little girl ever since 🙏🏼

BearlyBreathing posted 5/27/2020 20:51 PM

Hi Josie. Good to see you posting more

There’s just a lot of sadness to work through. And 3 years isn’t really very long, not really.

Make space for that sadness, but keep doing the moving forward things. I’m sure quarantine is not helping. But you really are much healthier sounding, much better.

Hang in there, kind lady.

Tallgirl posted 5/27/2020 21:01 PM

Hugs Josiep

It is no wonder you had a yuck kinda day and month.

Makes total sense. What a rat bastard, well described.

I am sure karma will kick that rat bastard in his poopy backside!

lettingo posted 5/27/2020 21:08 PM

Josiep,

Sorry you are going through this today. May sucks. Triggers suck. Especially when they seem to come out of nowhere. I don't post a lot but I do read and it helps. Your posts and comments have helped me. You strike me as a very strong, smart woman. Your XH strikes me as a selfish-idiot-coward.

The high road is less traveled, but the long view is much better. Hugs to you Josiep

ChewedMeUp posted 5/28/2020 09:03 AM

It all sucks, and the kids just don't really get it. I've been divorced nearly 5 years now, and I'm in a new relationship, but some things still bother me from time to time.

My DS23 and I have always been close, and had been cheated on in HS, so when he found out about his dad, it broke what had always been a tenuous relationship.

My DD18 on the other hand, has always been close to her dad, and doesn't seem to be as bothered about what he did. She's not really experienced it, thankfully, but her priority is dad's attention, so she's mostly been living with him the last few months because he and his new gf are willing to drive her around and buy her things and such. It hurts to feel like she's got a much better relationship with him, but I do my best not to let her know it.

These things become healed scars, over time, but that doesn't mean that odd spot doesn't still itch occasionally.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/28/2020 14:09 PM

josiep, I'm sorry. I know how you feel. My DDay was early January 2014, and my wedding anniversary is New Years Eve (I honestly don't know what I was thinking ) so pretty much from Christmas to the middle of January sucks for me. Having said that, this year... wasn't as bad. Finally. It takes time, it really does, and sometimes things just catch you off guard, like this did, and it just hurts. Even now. I went on vacation with my kids two years ago and it was so hard seeing families with two parents and their teenage kids eating together and by that point I was 2 years divorced and three years since we split.

Be kind to yourself. I agree with the previous poster who also commented that a pandemic is the perfect time to ruminate and get stuck in a loop. We've all gone down a rabbit hole at some point during this. Maybe now is a good time to clean out the pantry??

This will pass, it will be June soon, and it will get better. Poopypants Rat bastard will never lead the authentic, heartfelt, loving life that you are. Never. So hold your head high, deep breath and get rid of those garbanzo beans from 2015. (((josiep)))

josiep posted 5/28/2020 14:54 PM

Thank you all for the kind words and the encouragement. I often still slip into thinking it was me who caused all this and that's when I start making up scenarios in my head about what he's doing with the kids, etc. So I'm glad I wrote it out and then got such nice responses.

My kids both have relationships with him but not close ones. My DS (42) never liked his Dad much and tbh, XWH never had time for his son and often made him feel less than important cuz son was computer nerd who would never, ever, ever shoot a living creature. Was more of a deep thinker and philospher than a "manly-toughguy-man." So when X bought him a crossbow for his 15th b'day, son realized that Dad would never understand him. So they're quasi-friendly but not really. DD (45) is really close to me and is really upset with her Dad but also feels sorry for him on some level and since we were the couple who everyone looked up to, it's been hard for her to see him do what he did. But what bothers me is, neither kid ever mentions him and they get all tense if I do (even in a good way, like "do you remember how good Dad's BBQ was?") so I'm always having to tiptoe around and be careful what I say and I hate that. But I think they also need time to heal from this so I let it go.

And today is a new day and the trigger days are behind me for awhile so I'll get back to the photo sorting (all garbanza beans were cleaned out last month). Thanks again, everyone!

Anna123 posted 5/28/2020 19:51 PM

Josiep: Ughh. I have come to the conclusion that after thirty years with my ex, we are permanently connected on some level. I just have to live with it. I feel for you.

Squid:

He was a little man with a huge personality.

. I've gotten to the point now that when I see one of the 'huge personalities' that I used to be drawn to, it turns me off. Sure I'll join in for light conversation but I am no longer drawn to that.

hcsv posted 5/29/2020 06:25 AM

Ex and I were together 40 years, married 35.

I understand. It wasnt supposed to be like this.

I agree with Anna123. With so many years together we will forever be connected. Every adult memory I have includes him, 40 years of music, world events, family events. Everything is a time stamp in my life and connected to him.

It's not like we can abstain or go cold turkey with our memories. We cant go through 40 years of memories and cut them out like we can a photo. But it seems they can.

Their lives do not have much depth, they are shallow and live for minute to minute feel good. To do anything else would force them to accept their shitty choices and face the consequences of their actions. In my case, the consequence is no relationship with his three kids.