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WexBF has cancer

Pages: 1 · 2

Hedwig posted 6/2/2020 09:22 AM

Tushnurse, I will, thanks for pointing that out. As we all say on here after being betrayed: trust, but verify! And in this case: don't trust, verify.

The1stWife posted 6/2/2020 17:51 PM

Whether the diagnosis is cancer or not, a very short ďIím glad itís not cancer and I wish you wellĒ or ďIím sorry to hear itís cancer and I wish you wellĒ is all you need to say.

Followed by a click of the phone disconnecting in his ear.

Do not get pulled back into anything with him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:52 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

Throwaway999 posted 6/3/2020 05:10 AM

Hey...I just wanted to give my quick thoughts. I am very happy for you that is not likely cancer...but itís not ruled out 100% yet. I am the caregiver to my WH for cancer. I was the caregiver/wife prior to Dday. I remain his caregiver for my kids and because of our 23 year marriage. Itís been 7 months since my biggest Dday....I know now if he wasnít sick, we would not R. He is not R material anymore as sad as that makes me feel.

The role of a caregiver to someone with cancer is harder that one can even imagined. Itís 24/7 and you have to be prepared to do things you never thought you ever could or would. I have seen some really horrific wounds, cleaned bedding, etc...you get the picture. For someone you love itís a no brainer....you just do it. But add in the layer of hurt and betrayal...not so easy to do every day.

Gently...heís not your H anymore...you donít have kids to support through this illness. Do as The1stwife says...wish him well...and live your life. Donít get sucked back in...if you do otherwise, your hurt will resurfaced and your healing will definitely go backwards.

Hedwig posted 6/4/2020 02:58 AM

The1stWife: I am really doing my best to not get pulled back into anything. Thank you for consistently replying to my threads. You keep me grounded.

Throwaway999, I am sorry you are in that situation. I can never really understand how hard that must be for you. I hope you take care of yourself as well.

I know I don't have any obligation to him and it would be detrimental to my healing to be involved in any way so I am extracting myself from the situation. I am really relieved with the latest update, which makes it so much easier for me to do what I rationally know is best for me.

The1stWife posted 6/4/2020 04:15 AM

((((((Hedwig.)))))))

Just trying to give you the benefit of what I learned the hard way. No one gave me guidance on the stuff. Wish they had.

I once was in your exact shoes. I lost myself due to an insecure controlling boyfriend who was selfish, drank too much and was very petty and jealous. I can see it so clearly now. But at the time I ignored the red flags b/c I was in love.

I was in love with the wrong guy and wasted time and effort thinking things could change. That my love was enough. Even after he cheated and dumped me I took him back.

I eventually learned it was not love as much as it was I was there to rescue him. I confused the two. He ďneededĒ me in an unhealthy way and I naively believed it was love.

He drank too much to control his anxiety and avoid issues. He was very jealous- he didnít want me to go to college. Accused me of sleeping with my boss (never happened!) b/c I had a good career going at 20.

You get the picture. You clearly see this guy and his issues. You are a good person and you donít want to be mean or uncaring. Just like me. FYI his softball team used to tell me what a jerk he was and not to go out with him!!!

Unfortunately you have to put yourself first sometimes. And that means protecting yourself from investing time and energy into things that are not rewarding or are toxic etc.

Funny how HE has no shame in calling you with his problems. He didnít seem to care when you wanted him to drink less or focus on your relationship or to STOP cheating. You were not his priority.

And he should not be yours either. Youíve given him the courtesy of listening to his medical problems. Thatís more than he deserved.

And if YOU called him and you had a medical issue - what do you think his response wound have been? Would you get the same level of concern?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:19 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]

DevastatedDee posted 6/4/2020 09:04 AM

Hedwig, some people just aren't good for us. No matter the emotional attachments we can create with them, they're going to degrade our quality of life by being who they are. Those people have the same challenges that we all do. Losing jobs, accidents, illnesses, etc. It's a lot harder to walk away from someone who harms you when they're struggling with something because we have empathy and it's natural to want to help. If someone you actively disliked fell and broke their leg in front of you, the natural instinct is to help in some way even then. That's how good people are wired. Fighting through this takes a lot of courage and strength because it's unnatural. Helping someone who abused you (and cheating is abuse) is like trying to pull a thorn from the paw of an aggressive dog. It may be the right thing to do, but you're probably going to get mauled and need medical care yourself afterwards. To be fair, I'd more likely do that for a dog than a person who was dangerous to my psycholocial well-being, lol, but you get my point. Walking away from this is hard because you're a good sane person.

Hedwig posted 6/8/2020 07:55 AM

((((((Hedwig.)))))))
Just trying to give you the benefit of what I learned the hard way. No one gave me guidance on the stuff. Wish they had.

I once was in your exact shoes. I lost myself due to an insecure controlling boyfriend who was selfish, drank too much and was very petty and jealous. I can see it so clearly now. But at the time I ignored the red flags b/c I was in love.

I was in love with the wrong guy and wasted time and effort thinking things could change. That my love was enough. Even after he cheated and dumped me I took him back.

I eventually learned it was not love as much as it was I was there to rescue him. I confused the two. He ďneededĒ me in an unhealthy way and I naively believed it was love.

He drank too much to control his anxiety and avoid issues. He was very jealous- he didnít want me to go to college. ]bold]Accused me of sleeping with my boss (never happened!) b/c I had a good career going at 20.

Haha I do get the picture, the bold parts are as if you're talking about me. Accused me of cheating (not with my boss) because he was so insecure and jealous.

You get the picture. You clearly see this guy and his issues. You are a good person and you donít want to be mean or uncaring. Just like me. FYI his softball team used to tell me what a jerk he was and not to go out with him!!!

FYI, his mother once dropped something like 'oh, we're really happy you're going out with him because he can be a handful'. Don't remember the exact words BUT I do remember thinking: oh boy, if his mom is not his biggest champion, then who the hell is going to be?

Unfortunately you have to put yourself first sometimes. And that means protecting yourself from investing time and energy into things that are not rewarding or are toxic etc.

Funny how HE has no shame in calling you with his problems. He didnít seem to care when you wanted him to drink less or focus on your relationship or to STOP cheating. You were not his priority.

He did stop cheating after I caught him with the ONS on Dday, but the other things you mentioned: nope and nope. I was not his priority. Time and time again, he chose something else over me, when I needed him the most. I didn't need to be his priority ALL the time, but in certain important moments, he really let me down.

And he should not be yours either. Youíve given him the courtesy of listening to his medical problems. Thatís more than he deserved.

And if YOU called him and you had a medical issue - what do you think his response wound have been? Would you get the same level of concern?

I am in a very different state of mind this week because I have been reading a book about attachment theory and conflict resolution. It made me think of all the times he let me down and hurt me so bad.

I think he would be there for me, but not the way I was. Because 1. he has an almost pathological need to be needed but 2. he is such a people pleaser, that he would certainly be caught between either helping me or doing somebody else a favor/making sure he doesn't "disappoint" anyone in his job.

I have gone through that situation time and time again.

Thanks for reading and responding. It helps me make sense of my thoughts.


Hedwig, some people just aren't good for us. No matter the emotional attachments we can create with them, they're going to degrade our quality of life by being who they are. Those people have the same challenges that we all do. Losing jobs, accidents, illnesses, etc. It's a lot harder to walk away from someone who harms you when they're struggling with something because we have empathy and it's natural to want to help. If someone you actively disliked fell and broke their leg in front of you, the natural instinct is to help in some way even then. That's how good people are wired. Fighting through this takes a lot of courage and strength because it's unnatural. Helping someone who abused you (and cheating is abuse) is like trying to pull a thorn from the paw of an aggressive dog. It may be the right thing to do, but you're probably going to get mauled and need medical care yourself afterwards. To be fair, I'd more likely do that for a dog than a person who was dangerous to my psycholocial well-being, lol, but you get my point. Walking away from this is hard because you're a good sane person.


Thank you for that very clear image of the aggressive dog. I completely understand what you're saying: it's natural to want to help even bad people, but it's going to get me hurt in the long run. I am caring, I am good. Sometimes I forget that and think: well, everybody would do this and even my WXBF would do this, but that's just not true. Sometimes I forget that I am caring because I can be really mean and hurtful and snarky at times. People have pointed that out to me time and time again. But that does not negate that I am caring. I go above and beyond for my people when they need help. But enough is enough.

Westway posted 6/8/2020 16:27 PM

You need to move on Hedwig. This isn't your problem or your issue to deal with. Expend that emotional energy where you can get a return off of it.

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