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A long update long overdue

Gablestitch posted 6/3/2020 12:24 PM

Every time I think I get an update written, something else happens. It's been over a year since my last update so I'll do as brief of a synopsis as possible and put all the details after.
PFA granted for three years as he was a no show. There's a little under 2 years left on it now.
WH ordered to vacate marital home. He broke back in after being removed but sadly no proof it was him.
WH decided PFA ment he couldn't see his kids. He has not been with them since September of last year and that visit was facilitated by his mother.
WH quit his job in June of last year to move 2 states and a 7 hour drive away. Last child support payment was early July.
My mother became real sick about the same time. Many, many hospital stays later, she was sent home on hospice care. She passed in January.
Bank finally decided the day my mother passed that they would not refinance the mortgage without WH signature. That wasn't going to happen so the house was sold. It was finalized during this COVID-19 mess.
My grandmother(mom's mother) passed end of March. Tiny funeral, immediate family only.
With Mom gone, her share gets divided between my siblings and myself. Looking to buy my grandmother's house from the estate.
That is complicated by the fact I'm still married to a "man" no one can find.

Now, the details.

First, STBXWH did not show for either hearing we had. One was addressing him living in the house. The other was for the PFA. Judge granted my motion to have him removed from the house. Ironically it was the same judge for the PFA hearing. As he was a no show, I was automatically granted the max term for it. So three years of no abusive or off topic texts from him. He's only to text about the kids. That's it.

He of course put his own spin on everything. He was arrested for violating the temporary PFA, which was a lot more strict than the three year one. He took that to mean I have now succeeded in keeping the kids from him since he now thinks he can't text me at all or be near me. He supposedly has PTSD from being arrested at work. He was held for a few hours, btw. Not even over night. And based on some vague rumors I've heard, his arrest might not have been entirely from the PFA violation.

On to him getting kicked out of the house. Judge gave him 30 days from the hearing but he wasn't served until about 2 days before he had to leave. He was still moving stuff out when the sheriff arrived. I was not there but my dad was there to change the locks. He overheard him ask the sheriff how he was supposed to get the rest of his stuff and was he allowed to come back to visit his friend...oh, forgot to add he had rented out the second unit of the property without my knowledge or consent. Turns out my sister knows the guy so I was mostly good on that front. Anyway, the first thing the sheriff asked was there's a pfa, isn't there? Then explained that he can't live with his friend in the second unit. He also said he doesn't know the specifics of the PFA so he'd have to consult his lawyer.

Dad changed locks and thought he had secured the house. My sister and I went in a few days later to assess the state of the house. It was bad. Trash and things everywhere. Think hoarders. I had suspected based on comments from the older two kids but it's different when you see it. I put out a call for help to friends and family to at least help me start. The day everyone was to show up I tried to unlock the door and couldn't push it open. I finally got it cracked enough to stick my head in and the big wooden changing table was wedged against the door.

You can guess how fast I pulled my head back out and went back to my car. My sister was in my car with my kids. I was already on the phone with the cops. In another ironic twist, the officer that responded is a friend of my sister and I. She's been aware of just about everything that's been happening. It was nice not to explain everything again. And the back up she called to check the house was the primary officer in my father's case(where WH broke 2-3 of my dad's ribs) so he was familiar with some of the details.

WH was not in the house. I didn't think he was but I certainly wasn't taking any chances. We think he came through one of the windows. I'm not sure what he took or did besides barricade the door. I think he left another window unlatched as I found one that I know I had latched. Cops took pictures and my statement and my help showed up. We removed almost fifty bags of just trash from the house. That's fifty contractor bags.

We certainly secured the house at the end of the day. Any window I was concerned about the latch I screwed shut. Cops talked to him a few times trying to get him to confess. I was told his story was all over the place including where he was when the cops first called him. But, even though they knew he was lying, they can't prove he broke into the house. Funny enough he told his friend, the tenant, that I sent the cops after him because he put stuff in the recycle can by the garage.

His mother and sister came to visit end of June. They facilitated a visit with the children and their father at a playground. He claimed a lot of things to them. I'm not sure how much they believed but the end result is he quit his job and moved in with his sister two states and a seven hour drive away.

The last child support payment I received was in July. I haven't heard from him since his violation of the temporary PFA.

Around this time my mom starting having health issues. As my parents were watching my kids some days, there were a few times I had to leave work early and met my dad at the hospital to get my kids. Clean up and repairs to my house stalled. My sister was also working major overtime. It was all mandated so she was unable to help as much as she had hoped. I think she ended up working like 50 days straight. It would have been more but let's just say her co-workers are an awesome bunch.

They finally sent my mom home on hospice care as she didn't respond to treatment. This was around mid October. She passed end of January this year.

His Mom and sister keep in touch with me about the kids. They both came for Mom's funeral too. I'm still careful to not share anything I don't want getting back to him. It's kind of a moot point as he was kicked out of his sister's house and then his mom's house. They believe he's living in his car and now see his alcohol problem.

My grandmother passed end of March. It wasn't totally unexpected but still one more thing to deal with. My mom and dad had been living with her since my grandfather passed a few years ago. Since my mom passed before her mom, I stand to inherit part of the estate and am actually looking into buying the house from the estate. We shall see as that's an entirely new legal matter.

My sister stalks his FB, mainly to see if he has a job yet and if there's anything bazaar going on with him. There's been a few strange things and she thinks he posts some things to see if I'll respond. He's apparently hooked up with a father's rights group and some of what he's shared is truly eye roll worthy.

This leaves me to handle everything, which is good and bad. I don't hear from him, which is good. I have to literally handle everything which is taking some time to get the hang of, especially without my mom for support. I'm what my single mothers group calls a single SINGLE mom. No child support, full custody and no contact or help from the children's father. I don't actually have official full custody but I'm working on it.

I'm still technically married. I really thought I'd be divorced by now but here we are. It's going to take some major effort and a decent amount of money to get this pushed through as STBXWH won't respond to my lawyer. He just ignored everything that was sent his way, not just things from my lawyer. It was rather comical in a way. Now that he's homeless and living in his car, it makes things even more complicated.

I've sold the house as the bank would not refinance without his signature and wouldn't accept a judge's order in lieu of either. I had to get a court order for the sale without his signature. Nice thing there was the judge ordered my legal fees be paid out of the proceeds for the house. The rest, not that there's much, is sitting in an escrow account pending the divorce. It was one big legal mess.

Personally, I feel like I'm doing ok. I mean I'm not ok but I'll get there. I don't get much me time but I'll survive. I sorta feel flat and stuck at this point. I attribute some of that to not being divorced yet and not being able to move on like I'd want to. I'm not talking dating, more like just being able to make decisions without first thinking does my lawyer need to have input in this? Of course the current situation everyone is in isn't helping but I'm very glad I have complete control of my kids.

Thank you if you read even half of that. This place was such a help and I didn't mean to just stop posting. As you can see, life truly did get in the way.

WhatsRight posted 6/3/2020 12:44 PM

Good heavens!

First of all, Iím so sorry for your losses. The loss of your marriage, your home, your mother, your grandmother, and your life as you thought you knew it.

I think I would be in the floor if I had experienced so many things in such a short period of time.

Iím not sure I understand why his being homeless prevents the divorce from proceeding expeditiously, but Iím just so sorry that youíre going through all of this.

Thank God for family and friends that were able to help you with the house. I thought I had a mess to deal with when we moved in to my mother-in-lawís home after we sold our house. But it was nothing compared to what you have described here.

You seem to have your head in the right placeÖ that no matter what youíve gone through, youíre going to make it, youíre going to get through this in spades.

A million hugs to you!!!

EllieKMAS posted 6/3/2020 12:57 PM

You are amazing. I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to say that I am in awe of you being able to handle alllllllll this and still be upright and functioning.

Sending good juju and lots of hugs!!

Gablestitch posted 6/3/2020 13:00 PM

He's homeless in another state so I can't just have him served. There are a bunch of legal steps that need taken and while it could be done quickly it will be costly.

Thank you for your kind words. I honestly don't know how I've been functioning. Stubbornness I suppose. That gene has to be good for something.

Phoenix1 posted 6/3/2020 13:07 PM

Sorry for your losses of mom and grandma.

Can you file for default judgment on the D since he is not responding and has a history of no shows?

Hurtingnconfused posted 6/3/2020 15:11 PM

In our state I think you can post in the news paper in the last know location. Worth a look.

Iíd have to say Iíd be reeling with all that loss. Admire your strength

BearlyBreathing posted 6/4/2020 00:06 AM

Gable- you are a Wonder Woman! Iím so sorry about the loss of you mom and grandmother- but I feel them with you. And what a beautiful tribe of friends you have. It shows your character snd strength.

Keep moving forward, take a moment for yourself, and look how far youíve come.
(((Hugs))) you got this!

Adlham posted 6/4/2020 01:44 AM

On the child support front, definitely try to find where he works and report it.

If his wages are automatically garnished, it can takena very long time for that to catch up with him.

Also, they have some super amazing access to databases that we regular people don't.

At least that's how it works in my state.

thebighurt posted 6/4/2020 12:59 PM

I have to agree with every superlative posted here in relation to how you are getting through all this loss, not to mention what the notsoonenoughtobeexwh has done and not done in regard to this. (And the pandemic/home schooling!) I'm wondering how you manage to get up and put one foot in front of the other with all the challenges you have. I hope you find a bit of respite to maybe recharge a little. ((((HUGS))))

Gablestitch posted 6/8/2020 08:57 AM

Thank you all for your responses and kind words. True to how my life has been, storms knocked out power in our area last week. So I spent a good bit of time trying to find good Wi-Fi for the kids zoom meetings. To top that off, one of the cats my sister thought she had adopted out became "lost" under the house and the person had no real concern or urgency to get him out. Since I was off, I ended up dragging my kids, food and a trap over there to get him back. On the day without power. We went almost 24 hours without power. It was a fun two days.

Anyway, to address some of the concerns mentioned by all of you. Domestic relations in my state is aware of his move and has been monitoring. Unfortunately he hasn't worked anywhere long enough for the garnishment to begin.

As far as the divorce, I'm working with my attorney. The biggest obstacle is finding him to serve him or prove that we took the appropriate steps to contact him. Even a default judgment would require it from my understanding.

Adlham posted 6/8/2020 10:16 AM

Gablestitch, my ex rarely worked long enough for garnishment to catch up with him unless I could find out just enough to call and point them in the right direction.

I totally relate.

Sending good thoughts.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/15/2020 22:00 PM

I remember when he hurt your father.

Thankfully his mom and sister see that heís an alcoholic. If I remember right, they thought you were the problem.

Please push ahead on the D. You donít want him to be your next of kin.

Hurtingnconfused posted 6/16/2020 10:11 AM

The one thing that kept me going when my ex outran child support is that they will take it out of his social security when he is old.... and I will get it when I cant work anymore. That always put a smile on my face.

I know its not much but sooner or later they do catch up with them. I finally got paid off years after my girls were out of the home.

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