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Divorce/Separation/Death of the WS

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Hurtmyheart posted 6/11/2020 16:29 PM

I wish I could find a place on this site where I can post and feel comfortable about it. I lost my WH through death in March and now I have all these emotions of hurt and anger to contend with.

I am angry with myself!!! I am angry because as I reflect on my 32 years with my WH (33 1/2 years together), I think about how "I" allowed my WH to mistreat me. "I" put up with his hurtful behavior. "I" begged him to stop being who he was, "I" instead of just walking away from the new relationship when I saw the first signs of unfaithfulness, stuck with him! Regardless! I caught him at the bar dancing and flirting with another women when we already were a couple. One of several incidences in those early day's of dating! I knew it was wrong! I should have just kicked his ass to the curb!

I should have walked and never looked back. But instead, I was upset with him and that is all I was, upset. This should have been my first and last encounter ever dealing with his horrible behavior. He showed me that he was no good! And I didn't believe him! But no, instead I married him 32 years ago.

What did I expect when I ignored the first signs at the bar that night 33 years ago? He got to set the precedence for our future. Don't get me wrong, we did have some wonderful years together and I thought that his unfaithful behavior was behind us...nope!

Fast forward 16 year's later, 2 kid's, a house and a dog, my WH has a meltdown with his life and turned to alchohol. He ended up moving us one hour and 40 minutes (in the country), away from his job. OMG, I felt so trapped, my kid's felt trapped. He made us live there 9 year's. And in that nine years, I put up with so much crap! I put up with his getting drunk all the time, I put up with him staying near his work several nights a week (and of course found out he was getting drunk after hours). I finally had enough of his abuse. I found out that he had a secret emotional girlfriend and also went out on me with another COW and had sex with her two times. But I loved him! So stupid me took him back, a drunk off his ass cheater husband who was divorcing me because he went out on me! I obviously was nuts! That wasn't even the worst of it and he "promised" that he would quit drinking. And I believed him. He did several months later and for 3 1/2 years. Bit who really cares because he did enough work on himself just to get by.

I am beginning to look at my deceased WH as the asshole that he was. So what that he took care of me financially, even in his death. But at what price did I have to pay for 33 1/2 years of emotional abuse??
And even at the end before his death, he managed to flirt with and smile at another women right in front of me! What an asshole! At this point, I hate him and I hate what I allowed him to do to me.

I'm sorry but this is how I'm feeling. I want to love and honor my H but I can't. Instead, all I pretty much see is how "I" allowed him to abuse my heart & soul. I am so lost with these feelings and they pretty much consume my thoughts now. I keep seeing how he flirted with these other women, smiled at other women, made comments about other women and really who knows what else with other women. Bet he also had another women friend at his work. Who knows. I've lost all trust for him a long time ago. This is the legacy he left me.

Seeing since my asshole WH isn't here anymore to fix this, I am left alone to figure it all out and I have to admit, I don't think I'm doing very well handling my old revelations in a new light? I'm sorry for the cursing, I'm just so angry now that I allowed his horrible behavior to continue and control me. And when I saw hom doing it, he would always deny that it happened. Always. Said it wasn't happening.

I want to say that karma is a bitch but I really hate feeling this way. I just have a lot of pent up anger and hurt. I really just want to put all of these horrible memories behind me and move forward in my life and find some new kind of happiness and contentment and sense of peace. My H wasn't all bad but the truth is that maybe because of what he did, the dark cloud covered up the good in him.

Superesse posted 6/11/2020 17:04 PM

I'm sorry you are having to process all of this lifetime of pain right now. I believe a Grief Counselor would be able to help you with this kind of looking back, which is important and needs to be felt. But please don't be angry with yourself for feeling the way you're feeling!

All of grief is a process and it's normal to feel anger, too. Yeah, for sure the road not taken looks so obvious in hindsight, when we have been on the muddy, rocky trail to nowhere for way too long in our lives, right?

But as far as your not having rejected the WBF from the get-go? Don't beat yourself up! Many of us have had similar stories. In my case, I think my getting "upset" about bad behavior, yet not actually pulling the plug (maybe for fear of having to "lose out" in the BF department, yet again?) went all the way back to my earliest social feelings - of being unlucky in the popularity department, shall we call it?

Not sure if it's your story, too, but my father was an alcoholic. I think the psychologists say daughters of fathers who are substance abusers frequently accept that our most significant other-gender person in life is going to be "difficult" and/or "pre-occupied." To the point we accept what such people DO, more than someone who hadn't seen it before? I don't know if there's anything to that theory....

But again, I'm sorry you are now having to process all this loss and regret. If you can find a GriefShare group meeting in these times, it's free and very helpful.

Just don't get too hard on yourself, ok?

Phoenix1 posted 6/11/2020 17:26 PM

The grief process, it sucks. Do look for a grief counselor if you don't feel you are handling it well. The anger and hurt is part of it.

Please be easy on yourself, and allow yourself to forgive you. Hindsight is 20/20, but don't beat yourself up about things you believe you *should* have done. You cannot go back and change it, but you can grow as a person going forward.

As for your feelings for your WH? They are yours to have. No right or wrong there. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel without any guilt.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this now, during all the societal chaos going on. But please don't beat yourself up.

Come here and vent all you want. We'll walk with you.

((Hurtmyheart))

BearlyBreathing posted 6/11/2020 18:09 PM

I echo the others. Your feelings make senseó- do not apologize for them. And it is $#)$#* unfair that he is not there to help you through this, that grief is added on top.

And grief just takes its sweet timeó so you have to let it. Make room for it. Be angry. Be hurt. Be sad. But donít beat yourself up. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Those cheaters can be very convincing, and very manipulative. We believed them - we didnít know people like that were out there.

You got beautiful children from itó that is a nice silver lining for sure.

And you donít have to love and honor your H. You feel how you feel. It may change over time, and thatís okay, too.

(((Hurtmyheart)))

fareast posted 6/11/2020 18:25 PM

Let me just chime in with the others. I lived through what you are feeling with my mother after my father died. My father was exactly like your deceased WH. Exactly! I saw first hand my Motherís feelings of anger and pain, and feelings of having let herself be abused. Please do not beat yourself up. Your feelings are genuine and need to b expressed. Get the emotions out. Do look for a grief counselor. You are not obligated to honor your deceased WH. Good luck.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 6/11/2020 19:16 PM

The fact that you outlived him and are financially stable is somewhat of a reward. Get a counselor and find joy in the day to day things try to focus on today being the best day of your life. A reward for years of suffering and sacrifice.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/11/2020 19:35 PM

Thank you, everyone for your responses! I didn't even think about not having to honor my WH. I may take a break from that to sort out my current dislike of my WH.

The more I think about his horrible behaviors, the more I am choosing to walk away from the pain he caused me. Who needs that?? I shouldn't even be thinking these thoughts but he is the one who created these feelings in me in the first place, by his inappropriate actions.

I was wondering if it is too late to break up with him?? Lol Hey, I gotta have some sort of humor in my grief. I think my anger towards him has actually been kind of funny because I'm kicking myself for what I allowed. He was just being his asshole self when he was acting up. So in essence, I'm the one with the problem.

Seriously, this topic is serious. Something I've learned through the death of my WH is that my anger towards him for his wayward behavior is beginning to boil. Those feelings just don't go away. At times, he was such a jerk. Sick of thinking about it. I really wanted to honor and love my H but he ruined that for me. He failed me in the love and trust department. Big time! I think you all understand!

I've been thinking about grief counseling and griefShare. Just waiting for things to open back up. Oh and yes, I grew up in severe alcohol and drug addiction but it wasn't my father, three of my brothers were heroine, drug, alcoholics. So, the answer is yes and I agree with what you said Superesse, being in an emotionally abusive home was my norm, so naturally my WH and I clicked. WH father was a severe alcoholic also. I think I will also be heading back to Alanon soon too.

Yeah, I need to fix myself. I am too good of a person to ever accept and want to ever put up with again. I am very angry with myself.

Lalagirl posted 6/11/2020 19:40 PM

I'm sorry but this is how I'm feeling

Ohmygosh, please do not apologize - you have NOTHING to be sorry about!

I wish I could give you a hug IRL, but here's a cyber hug ((((Hurtmyheart))))

You found the perfect place on SI where you can post and feel comfortable about it. We are here for you!

You went through the majority of your marriage being emotionally abused - you did not "allow" him to abuse you!

I get it - you stayed for the kids - you wanted a family life, even if it cost you.

It's time for you to feel your feelings, for you to say, "Fuck you, WH!" He's gone, he cannot hurt you anymore.

Give yourself time, hurtmyheart...let yourself live, be happy, enjoy the little things.

Sending you huge hugs...you're going to be okay.

Lalagirl posted 6/11/2020 19:44 PM

I am very angry with myself.

Oh sweetie, no. You didn't do anything wrong.

Stilldenying posted 6/11/2020 20:30 PM

Oh hurtmyheart I am sending you hugs!!! I have seen this with my mom after dad passed. I believe he actually tried in his own way to make for 55+ years of abuse and infidelity to her but she never forget. I may be her or you one day, we've been together 32+ years. Truly wish I had the words to heal this part of you 💔

Throwaway999 posted 6/11/2020 21:25 PM

Hey there...me again. Hang in there, you are not alone. The cancer has become the forefront for me right now but the anger and utter disappointment in my WH never truly goes away. In fact, I was literally thinking to myself today how stupid I was for so many years not to enforce proper boundaries...I felt neglected and never spoke up. I had feelings in my gut, and never fully pursued them. Thought he might be a womanizer, but fell for the charm and love bombing and married him anyway.

I get totally 100% get it. And itís okay to feel everything you are feeling. Just like BearlyBreathing said, we have our kids. And they are what truly counts. And in amongst the crap years, there were also some good ones. I still look at my WH everyday and it floors me that he was such an asshat. He had a good life with me and our kids, and choose to blow it up just because he ďcouldĒ.

It sucks, itís not fair and it completely okay to be mad at them. Frankly they deserve it...and you deserved so very much more.

Sending you a hug...hang in there. I feel I am right behind you two steps back in processing all of this.

NeverTwice posted 6/12/2020 10:07 AM

HurtMyHeart,

I agree with Superesse - you need a grief counselor. I just lost my husband of 32 years (who was NOT a cheater thank heavens) almost 3 months ago. That alone is hard enough but with the additional damage he did to you? A grief counselor can help with all that.

First - I am sorry you are here :-( And secondly I am sorry for the loss and the residual damage he left behind.

Sending love and strength.

DevastatedDee posted 6/12/2020 10:44 AM

Hurtmyheart, you have every right to all those feelings. I think we've all been angry with ourselves for being with people who didn't respect and value us. To have him die complicates it so much. You didn't get your moment to say "fuck you, I'm out". You didn't get any closure on how or why he could be this way. You didn't get to really express your anger and pain and have him hear it and now all of those chances are gone. My grandfather was likely a sociopath (plus an alcoholic, cheater, physically and emotionally abusive). When he died, I watched my father, aunt and uncle go through the pain that came from not being able to grieve his loss. Their mother died and they grieved her deeply. He died, and they were all like "Well.". It hurt them to not be able to grieve him. It was hard when people expressed condolences that are appropriate for someone who lost a father and they'd have to act like they were sad that he was dead. He had a pretty big fan club and kept the sociopath side pretty well-hidden to those outside the family. It's almost an act of cruelty all by itself for someone who has hurt you so deeply to have the gall to die and leave you there to roll in all of those unresolved feelings while to the outside world you're supposed to be devastated about his loss.

So sure, you chose the wrong partner in life. Same. Everyone in this part of the forum can absolutely relate. Our assholes didn't generally die and leave us with that emotional garbage, that's the main difference. We can't erase the past, but we can make damned sure that we love ourselves and take care of ourselves for the rest of our lives. You gotta forgive yourself for being human, though. You loved and you were loyal. And please please don't be angry with yourself for your feelings of anger. They are SO legitimate. Dying doesn't turn anyone into a saint.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/12/2020 11:39 AM

"Dying doesn't turn anyone into a saint."


Well, I can attest to this! In fact, with his dying brought his worse traits to the forefront.

I do want to say that we did have many good years and good times (and I really hate saying this. Sounds like I'm defending) together. But his wayward behavior has cast a dark shadow over my mourning.

I still cry for him, I still miss him. And we did work on overcoming his infidelities. But it wasn't enough. He didn't work on himself enough. Like another poster said, he white knuckled his changes until I began to relax and then he was back at it again. I guess I was hoping and wishing for a miracle for him to become this perfect someone in my image; kind, loving, trustworthy, faithful 100% of that time. That didn't happen.

Today as I look back on my life with him, I question everything he did for me, his actions, his words, when he did things for me. What was behind all of this? His guilt for his behaviors? There is just no way that my wayward husband could ever change to be that perfect husband and father that I hoped and dreamed for. I think today I am working on accepting who he truly was instead of who I wanted him to be. I would have never found peace and comfort as long as I was married to him.

I have a feeling that his evil self was coming back with a vengeance. But I also couldn't leave because the marriage was good enough to get by on and stay. I paid a price being married to him and riding each tumultuous wave he always brought forward. I sacrificed my emotional well being. I feel I sacrificed my kid's mental health to a degree, although they both are doing quite well for themselves. I sacrificed my mental health because I chose to ignore the person who he really was. I chose to look the other way because I felt helpless, dependent on him financially and emotionally and needy.

Sadly, he chose to take advantage of my goodness. And now this is all I have left of him, those horrible memories that are in the forefront.

I keep seeing images pop up in my mind how flirtatious he was with other women in the last 9ish years? Always keeping me off balance emotionally. There was a point I wanted to either kill him or myself to make it STOP!!! But I didn't. Instead I got on antidepressants and it helped to calm those thoughts. I now have PTSD. Thank you, honey for the gift that keeps on giving. And what is really bad, I/we had a marriage counselor who believed it was normal for men to act that way. I dumped this counselor's ass. He didn't see it coming. Was shocked that I didn't want to come back.

I guess I felt I had to endure the pain of my H behavior. Why?? Sick! It's really sad because he wouldn't stop with the flirting, said it was my fault. Said I caused this behavior because I brought up other men. I was triggered by a certain type of man because my brother exposed himself to me when I was just a kid. My dad would also sit at the dinner table with us 8 kid's, no shirt on and smoked cigarettes after dinner. To me, it was disgusting and gross. But it stayed with me my whole life and when I would see certain men in public without their shirts on, I would get triggered and I would tell my H that I felt uncomfortable around them. He took it as I was attracted to them and he would turn around and point other women out in the most hurtful way. My H finally got that I was just reaching out to him for comfort but it was too late. The damage was done. And oddly, his behavior still continued.

Thank you, everyone for your responses, they are very helpful. Sadly, this is where I need to be, on SI. I'm not one of those people who get to mourn the perfect marriage or spouse, so I will stay here, where I belong.

I am finding myself rereading your comments several times. I hope in time, I and we all can find peace despite what we all have been through.

Thank you

Hurtmyheart posted 6/12/2020 11:57 AM

I have more to say. I will probably have more to say for a very long time.

I can't imagine going to GriefShare because I will probably end up wanting to tell the truth. Lol My H was an ass****. My H was always staring at and checking other women out. I was my H property. My H was very manipulative. My H was controlling. My H behavior was hurtful. Oh wait! There were good parts to my H also but there is this dark cloud looming over my head that I can't seem to release because the truth is, my H was very hurtful.

I will probably end up back in Alanon. At least I get to hear real stories and know that I'm not the only one who endured a lifetime of unnecessary hurts and pains. I think I may be more inclined to want to tell my story here.

I'm not sure if I would be able to keep up with appearances and lie to myself and others when I feel I would have to tell them lies in GriefShare. This is how I feel. This may not be the truth though. Maybe others would stand up and speak the truth and say that their marriages weren't so great afterall, either.

I don't know, maybe I will start with a grief counselor and see where that takes me.

DevastatedDee posted 6/12/2020 13:17 PM

I think you might be surprised at how many people would be able to relate in any group. Alanon especially, of course, but even GriefShare.

I haven't gone through what you have, but I did find myself thinking that I'd feel relief if my XWH actually followed through on his suicide threats one day. And then I castigated myself for being a horrible person. Truth was, my XWH fell into a hole of suicidal thoughts, drugs and drinking after I left and his existence caused everyone nothing but pain, including himself. I am glad that he didn't follow through and I hope that he gets his life together and finds happiness somewhere. But it screwed with me that I had loved this man soooo very much at one point and at another was cooly prepared to accept his death. It is insane and it screws with your mind horribly.

StillLivin posted 6/12/2020 14:04 PM

And you have all the right in the world to feel that anger and resentment. It's part of the healing. Let it all pit. Punch a pillow, kick a can. Do something physical because that will help too.
At some point, you will finally work out all the anger and will start to forgive yourself for staying. It just takes time.
Have you considered going to some al anon meetings and grief counseling. Death and dealing with grieving is bad enough, compile it with abuse, alcoholism, and adultery and you have a huge skein of mixed emotions that will take time to sort out.
Set time aside to feel joy too, though. Life is so short, don't waste too much of it not being happy.
Be kind to yourself. Work on why you stayed, but work on finding peace and acceptance too.

crazyblindsided posted 6/12/2020 14:16 PM

There is just no way that my wayward husband could ever change to be that perfect husband and father that I hoped and dreamed for. I think today I am working on accepting who he truly was instead of who I wanted him to be. I would have never found peace and comfort as long as I was married to him.

It's such a hard realization to come to. I have told my STBX that is what I am the most upset about are the years that were stolen from me that I thought would be wonderful years with him being by my side and raising kids with me. None of that happened. I practically raised my kids with him by myself.

(((Hurtmyheart))) I'm so sorry you are walking through this grief. Know that whatever you feel is ok. And it is ok not to like or mourn the person when they were not worthy of it.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/13/2020 20:43 PM

I dropped my daughter off at the airport this morning to go and see her boyfriend in NYC. Although there is so much unrest in the world, I'm glad she went. Don't get me wrong though, I was nervous about her going but she made her choice to go. She is 22 years old, an adult. She gets to make those decisions.

Now I will be alone for two weeks with my 2 dog's. I'm okay with that because now I get to be alone to reflect on my life with my WH and also spend some time thinking about what the future may hold for me. I'm actually kind of scared going it alone, as I have been with my deceased WH for a big chunk of my life.

Once I dropped my daughter off and as I was closer to home, I began to cry from anger. I couldn't get those images out of my mind of how my WH acted towards other women for the past 9 years. What the heck happened to him? And us? We did have a great relationship at one point in our marriage. Should I partially blame the alcoholic in him? I hate using this as an excuse. But is there some truth in this? Especially for all the alcohol he drank during one period of his life? Did his brain snap? I thought we left this behind before we were married and in our 20's. I really don't know what the answers to this are. His behavior baffles me.

I cried hard then came home and cried some more. They were mainly tears of anger, hurt and loss. Loss of our dreams, loss of my trust in him, loss of what I hoped we could accomplish together again. Devastating.

But if truth be told, I had such a hard time being with him because I never knew when he was going to strike out and hurt me emotionally. He became mean and vindictive almost with a smile on his face. It almost seemed like a game to him. It almost seemed like he enjoyed seeing me hurting from his behavior. It definitely took me off guard. What was in it for him to see me in so much pain?

It really breaks my heart that my H could be so mean and callous at times. Without change from him, I felt that I never would have been able to gain that deeper level of trust back for him. I'm sure he is having his judgement day in front of God. And I pity him for this. He didn't need to do this to me but he chose to.

I've lied in bed most of the day because the soul pain has been almost unbearable. I cried more, I slept and I read other stories about the suffering the loss of a loved one. It's really sad but also a reality. Reading others stories helps to not feel so alone in my journey.

I wonder what my future, my new life, my new world is going to look like now that I'm alone. Well, my daughter is still here but I don't expect her to stay forever. She also needs to find her life.

I know that my relationship ended differently (than most on this site) with my WH. But nonetheless, I'm sure it feels close to the same pain and confusion as separation or divorce. We are all suffering from this devastation called infidelity. Breaks my heart. I just don't get that the one we loved, promise to be faithful to could do this to us. I really don't get it.

NeverTwice, I'm so sorry about the loss of your H too! I'm also glad to know he has been faithful to you! I hope you get to honor your memories with him. No matter what our circumstances are though, I think the pain is so unbearable at times. Ugh.

Thank you everyone for responding, I really do appreciate what you all have to say. Your thoughts have been very helpful.

Superesse posted 6/13/2020 22:01 PM

I hear you, Hurtmyheart. Wow, you are so good at putting it in writing. Sending you HUGS and wishes for health.

One thing struck me about your post, is that you will have this time to be alone with your thoughts, that can be good and that can be overwhelming, know what I mean? Because when we have a lot of time to think, it can hurt the worst, just like pressing on a bruise. We do have those bruises. But we may not want to keep pushing on them all the time?

How about taking a break every day, and schedule some little "to-do" thing, to let you break up those 'thinking sessions,' while you are by yourself right now? So you don't have to "eat the whole elephant" as they say. One bite at a time, they say....

I hope the weather is nice where you live, so you could take a break and get outside, walk around some, if that works for you?

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