"Dying doesn't turn anyone into a saint."
Well, I can attest to this! In fact, with his dying brought his worse traits to the forefront.
I do want to say that we did have many good years and good times (and I really hate saying this. Sounds like I'm defending) together. But his wayward behavior has cast a dark shadow over my mourning.
I still cry for him, I still miss him. And we did work on overcoming his infidelities. But it wasn't enough. He didn't work on himself enough. Like another poster said, he white knuckled his changes until I began to relax and then he was back at it again. I guess I was hoping and wishing for a miracle for him to become this perfect someone in my image; kind, loving, trustworthy, faithful 100% of that time. That didn't happen.
Today as I look back on my life with him, I question everything he did for me, his actions, his words, when he did things for me. What was behind all of this? His guilt for his behaviors? There is just no way that my wayward husband could ever change to be that perfect husband and father that I hoped and dreamed for. I think today I am working on accepting who he truly was instead of who I wanted him to be. I would have never found peace and comfort as long as I was married to him.
I have a feeling that his evil self was coming back with a vengeance. But I also couldn't leave because the marriage was good enough to get by on and stay. I paid a price being married to him and riding each tumultuous wave he always brought forward. I sacrificed my emotional well being. I feel I sacrificed my kid's mental health to a degree, although they both are doing quite well for themselves. I sacrificed my mental health because I chose to ignore the person who he really was. I chose to look the other way because I felt helpless, dependent on him financially and emotionally and needy.
Sadly, he chose to take advantage of my goodness. And now this is all I have left of him, those horrible memories that are in the forefront.
I keep seeing images pop up in my mind how flirtatious he was with other women in the last 9ish years? Always keeping me off balance emotionally. There was a point I wanted to either kill him or myself to make it STOP!!! But I didn't. Instead I got on antidepressants and it helped to calm those thoughts. I now have PTSD. Thank you, honey for the gift that keeps on giving. And what is really bad, I/we had a marriage counselor who believed it was normal for men to act that way. I dumped this counselor's ass. He didn't see it coming. Was shocked that I didn't want to come back.
I guess I felt I had to endure the pain of my H behavior. Why?? Sick! It's really sad because he wouldn't stop with the flirting, said it was my fault. Said I caused this behavior because I brought up other men. I was triggered by a certain type of man because my brother exposed himself to me when I was just a kid. My dad would also sit at the dinner table with us 8 kid's, no shirt on and smoked cigarettes after dinner. To me, it was disgusting and gross. But it stayed with me my whole life and when I would see certain men in public without their shirts on, I would get triggered and I would tell my H that I felt uncomfortable around them. He took it as I was attracted to them and he would turn around and point other women out in the most hurtful way. My H finally got that I was just reaching out to him for comfort but it was too late. The damage was done. And oddly, his behavior still continued.
Thank you, everyone for your responses, they are very helpful. Sadly, this is where I need to be, on SI. I'm not one of those people who get to mourn the perfect marriage or spouse, so I will stay here, where I belong.
I am finding myself rereading your comments several times. I hope in time, I and we all can find peace despite what we all have been through.
Thank you