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Divorce/Separation/Death of the WS

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Throwaway999 posted 6/14/2020 05:40 AM

I know that my relationship ended differently (than most on this site) with my WH. But nonetheless, I'm sure it feels close to the same pain and confusion as separation or divorce. We are all suffering from this devastation called infidelity. Breaks my heart. I just don't get that the one we loved, promise to be faithful to could do this to us. I really don't get it

I read in this section of SI forum all the time now....trying to prepare myself for whatís to come.

We went twice to MC. Months ago our second MC (and our last session ever) told me that I had to pretend like we were divorcing and just heal myself after he passes away. At the time I was furious at her callousness. In the moment, I thought we could R before he dies. But in hindsight, now I think she was right. I know now because time has passed, and he has been so very mean and angry to me, that there is no chance of ever a slightest bit of R. She was actually right.

I worry also about being alone....itís been years since I was alone. Because of COVID, my kids will still be here next fall. But I want them to start live their lives and eventually move out.

I worry about being capable to do all the little things around the house I have never done so far. I am already working on that...taken steps to become more independent. I worry about getting together with all of our married friends. I did once already go to a social distanced get together. In my friends backyard, she had set up chairs two by two and then a single chair...For me. It was hard to see that at first, but quickly we all fell back into our old chatting etc. I am tired of all of the pity looks I get. First because of the cancer. And now because of the affair...they are twice over. I feel ashamed this happened to me and my marriage. I know itís not my fault, but people still judge. I am tired of being pitied.

I am hoping in time, I will get into a routine of being alone (with my 2 dogs also ). And maybe the reality of life will not be a scary as I think itís going to be.

All of these other strong and wonderful people on this forum have done it....so you and I can also.

Hurtmyheart posted 6/14/2020 10:41 AM

Good morning Superesse, I actually feel like I had a breakthrough yesterday! I feel like the heaviness of the storm lifted. I felt peace. I had clarity.

I don't think these light feelings are going to last though because as you know, grief has its peaks and valleys. I'm enjoying the peace for the moment but also revving up for the next wave. It's so waring!

Throwaway999, I'm so with you! You are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders right now. It's a very trying time that you are in.

I feel like your WH hasn't taken the time to understand that what you are experiencing is absolutely normal!

Sadly, just because he is dying is not a free pass to overlook what he had done. He doesn't understand that it may be old news to him but your finding out about his secret lifestyle has been new to you! And sadly, you have no choice but to process it now. I found that there was no way I could just put my hurts aside to take care of daily tasks when I first found out who he was. No, when I first found out about my H wayward ways, I was consumed with grief and I could barely even breathe!

I guess, what do you expect from a man who totally doesn't get it?? He will never get the pain he caused you and he will take it to his grave. He just doesn't get it. How can he when he is wallowing in his own self pity and cannot see beyond his nose?

I don't know what your beliefs are Throwaway but I would like to say this, IMO, there is another side to all of this. From my recent experiences, I do believe that they will (or have in my case) answer to God for their wrongdoings. I almost believe that my WH is very well aware of the pain he caused me and now has to endure it until I heal. These are my own thoughts and experiences though. It's kind of strange.

Today when I see others doing wrong and are intentionally hurtful towards others, I think that their day is coming and they don't even know it. I don't believe we just get away with hurting others. I believe from my own experiences that the deceased have to endure the pain they caused others before they can move forward. Honestly, I never came to these conclusions until after the death of my H.

Superesse, I just want you to know that I typically do keep busy in my day and do positive things. Sometimes I just dream doing something good because that is all the strength I have in the moment. But I do believe I am on a good path to understanding myself and my life a little better since my H passed. It truly has been an enlightening experience that I wouldn't want a repeat of.

Oh yes, Throwaway999, as long as I don't venture too far out into my future, I am fine. I mainly try to stay within my day and that seems to help. But I will also admit that at times when I look into my future and know that I will be going it alone, I get scared. I know all of it is a process that we all have to go through.

I hope you have a good day today and learn to accept that there will be no closure for you as long as your H is still alive. It is sad but I believe in time as you process everything that happened is when you will find peace, just as I am currently doing. I almost feel like the sky is my limit because I am slowly shedding the baggage and the pain my H caused to my soul and brain. I miss him but I don't miss how he was treating me. It didn't happen all the time but it happened just enough to keep me off balance. That was no way for me to have to live. My H should have been taking care of me and not hurting me.

Throwaway999 posted 6/14/2020 12:10 PM

I miss him but I don't miss how he was treating me. It didn't happen all the time but it happened just enough to keep me off balance. That was no way for me to have to live. My H should have been taking care of me and not hurting me.

This....is exactly. Very well said. I see now that sadly my WH passing will be the only thing that will bring closure for me and also for my kids. We all need to start to heal and grieve and as painful as it will be we all need this. Itís been a very long few years of cancer and we all need to somehow move forward.

Itís a bright and sunny day here and I am outside enjoying it, puttering in my gardens. I wish you peace today...and healing.

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