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Update to Christmas Eve D-Day

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Wanttobebetter posted 7/15/2020 12:45 PM

forgive my ignorance. can you file for separation/divorce unilaterally in your state? Or you try to keep things amiable? I thought she is not on the lease anymore and you can force her out thus start the separation officially.

strength to you brother.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/16/2020 06:19 AM

I thought she is not on the lease anymore and you can force her out thus start the separation officially.

I'm the only one on the lease along with DD16 and DS18 at the moment. By law, I cannot turn her out since that would be considered domestic abuse and would have to wait until she moved everything and signed the separation agreement. After she is moved out the locks will be changed. Currently going off the advice of my attorney.

can you file for separation/divorce unilaterally in your state?

I've served WW with the separation paperwork and waiting on her to gather her things to leave. In my state, both parties have to be separated for 1 year under a different roof in order to file for D.

Tigersrule77 posted 7/16/2020 06:29 AM

both parties have to be separated for 1 year under a different roof in order to file for D.

Does that apply in the case of infidelity? In MD, they waive the year for that (and a few other issues). I wasn't going to mention it, but XWW was actually in a hurry to finalize the D.

How are other things going? Work? Your daughters doing ok with other things? I know you said they are upset with their mother, are they spending time with friends?

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/16/2020 06:56 AM

Does that apply in the case of infidelity?

It's the same across the board. The only way that the state will waive it is if one of the spouses is convicted and sent to prison or there are extreme mental health issues where the physical well-being of the other is at stake. Even then it is rare.

How are other things going?

Everything is going quite well which is odd. Thought I would be more depressed but I'm not now that the initial paperwork has been done. It could be the indifference setting in and the 180. Been walking usually every other night about 2.5 miles which definitely takes the edge off, allows me to think and gather my thoughts.

Work?

It is going really well there also. I've found since DDay that there is more focus, don't know if that is from trying to not to think about WW or indifference. Everyone here at work knows what is going on with WW and they are supporting me 110%, which is good. There are a couple of women here that were BS and they are my biggest supporters. They pretty much mirror what everyone here on SI has been advising.

Your daughters doing ok with other things? I know you said they are upset with their mother, are they spending time with friends?

DD16 has been spending a lot of time with her girlfriends and trying not to be around WW. She comes out of her room when I'm home which is good. She's always been a daddy's girl. DS18 has been working a lot and is usually not home or out with his girlfriend. DD19 is doing really well in the Navy and reported to her first ship last month after finishing school near the top of her class. I'm really proud of her.


[This message edited by heartbrokeninNC at 7:02 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]

fooled13years posted 7/16/2020 08:13 AM

DD19 is doing really well in the Navy and reported to her first ship last month after finishing school near the top of her class. I'm really proud of her.

I don't know her but am proud of her also.

I've told many people who don't think the next generation will amount to much to spend time around a military installation and they might change their minds.

Anchors Aweigh! Non sibi sed patriae!

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/16/2020 08:30 AM

DD19 is following in dad's footsteps and grew up around the Navy from a young age.

I've told many people who don't think the next generation will amount to much to spend time around a military installation and they might change their minds.

Amen, brother!!!

Happenedtome2 posted 7/16/2020 10:57 AM

Whoah ! I take a few weeks off from reading and you're back with updates !! Been following since day 1.

Glad to hear you are doing ok and getting out of this mess. Seems like your kids are acing it thus far. So damned glad you didn't cave.

I too will get out the popcorn to see how her end of it plays out. It won't be pretty. I would assume she'd going to drag her feet on signing paperwork jussssst in case POSOM gives her the boot.

I didn't see it anywhere, but what is the law there regarding cohabitation while separated or does the separation truly start when she is out the door and not when the ink is dry?

I was a little sad about the beach post. That is now YOUR beach. Take it back. She will never be there again and it is there for you and the kids to enjoy. This will be your "new" family unit and what better way to start making new memories than taking back that fine piece of real estate?

REALLY glad you came back and updated.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/16/2020 12:04 PM

Thanks for reading, Happenedtome2!! Writing here has been therapeutic and a safe place to vent/laugh. Feels like it's become my blog of late . Everyone here has been very helpful and hopefully I can pass the knowledge on for the new generation of BS that have JFO. SI has definitely become a home away from home these past 6 1/2 months.
This forum is a blessing.

Glad to hear you are doing ok and getting out of this mess.

So am I, it's been hard at times but take each day as it comes. Exercise and eating healthy is where it is at. There are days where I don't want to do anything and the next will bust out laughing just at the thought of WW and her infinite stupidity.

I didn't see it anywhere, but what is the law there regarding cohabitation while separated, or does the separation truly start when she is out the door and not when the ink is dry?

In order for the divorce process to go through in NC we have to be legally separated in different homes for a year and a day.

I was a little sad about the beach post. That is now YOUR beach. Take it back. She will never be there again and it is there for you and the kids to enjoy. This will be your "new" family unit and what better way to start making new memories than taking back that fine piece of real estate?

DD16 and I will possibly be going down there prior to school (?) starting back up in the fall. She refuses to let her mother control one of her favorite places. In a way, she is parenting me and nudging me to move on. It's funny how that works sometimes.

REALLY glad you came back and updated.

So am I!! Thought I owed it to everyone on here not to leave them hanging after the first thread.

Outoflove2020 posted 7/16/2020 12:15 PM

@Heartbroken

This forum is a blessing.

This. Absolutely 100% this. I thank the stars every day that I found this site.

I wish you calmer waters ahead. Sounds like you are doing the right things for you and your kids.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/16/2020 12:25 PM

I wish you calmer waters ahead.

Thank You, they're getting there but still a little bit stormy.

Sounds like you are doing the right things for you and your kids.

Trying to and staying strong for them.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/17/2020 06:07 AM

I too will get out the popcorn to see how her end of it plays out. It won't be pretty. I would assume she'd going to drag her feet on signing paperwork jussssst in case POSOM gives her the boot.

She is definitely dragging her feet on the paperwork. DS let me know yesterday that she woke him up walking out the door to work with POSOM on the speaker. Asked if there was any tension in the conversation and there wasn't. Just the standard "I love you babe" bullshit which is a good thing!!!

WW just needs to GTFO!!!

Bigger posted 7/17/2020 06:32 AM

HB
I feel that too many comments – both from you and other posters – focus on how the WW is feeling. I also think asking your children about how their mom sounds or is feeling or what her interactions with OM are is wrong.

Focus on your goal.
Heck… If your goal is to make WW miserable then withdraw the separation agreement. Refuse to divorce. Make divorce as hard as possible. THAT would cause her misery. But it would also be like cutting off your nose to spite the face.

Focus on your goal.
Do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to get that 95% complete to 96, then 97 and on to 100% complete.

You mention she suggested you take part in her moving cost?
Send her an e-mail along the lines of:
“You asked me if I would help finance your moving out. Since it’s in both best interest to get this over with I am willing to pay $$$ if you complete the move before xx.xx.xx”

What this does it indicates you two have discussed the separation agreement, she was open to moving but stranded on the financial aspect. By using e-mail you have a traceable way of proving the message was delivered.
Focus on your goal.
You mention she balked at not having access to medical records for the kids. Three kids right? 16, 18 and 19? So basically, she wants access to one kid (16) for 2 years. Once 18 they are adults. Is risking the agreement worth this? What risk are you taking? What’s the negative to her having access to the records of one child for less than 2 years?
If making that concession get’s ink on paper… DO IT.

Focus on your goal.
If OM turns out to be a millionaire and your wife spends the rest of her life on yachts drinking champagne and riding unicorns it shouldn’t impact you. Just like her potential misery shouldn’t impact you.

steadychevy posted 7/17/2020 06:53 AM

Bigger is right. Sometimes you have to give up something to close the deal. Somethings are just throw aways to grease the skids.

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/17/2020 07:21 AM

Thank you, Bigger for centering me again. I know I'm trying to make her feel my pain but then again I must keep the high road, as difficult as that may seem.

You mention she suggested you take part in her moving cost?

It really wasn't about moving cost but rather paying her to quit and covering the lost income. I don't know if she was inferring about the moving costs but just assumed that was the case.

Focus on your goal.
Do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING to get that 95% complete to 96, then 97 and on to 100% complete.

I'll compromise with her as much as I need to get this to move along without giving up on my principles. I've pretty much let her know this.

You mention she balked at not having access to medical records for the kids. Three kids right? 16, 18 and 19? So basically, she wants access to one kid (16) for 2 years. Once 18 they are adults. Is risking the agreement worth this? What risk are you taking? What’s the negative to her having access to the records of one child for less than 2 years?

It wasn't that she really balked she just wanted the language to be changed where she was included. This also included the consent for treatment but once she moves it will be two states over and DD16 does not want any contact with her. If something life-threatening happens to her I don't want WW having the final decision.

Bigheart2018 posted 7/17/2020 07:22 AM

Dear Heartbroken,

In regards to handing over medical records, consult your attorney and let him handle it.

Where are these records going and who is going to review them? I'm giving you my opinion base on my experience.

Best,
Bigheart

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/17/2020 07:48 AM

Where are these records going and who is going to review them?

They're going nowhere at the moment. I can add her to the agreement but I do not know why she would need the records if she is going to have minimal contact two states away.

Bigger posted 7/17/2020 08:54 AM

Sometimes the concessions are things we already were willing to give away 😊

You just mention them in the initial discussions to have something to negotiate with. The key is knowing what you want and matters.
I took the medical issue as an example. I get it you have prime custody? I get it your kids are on your insurance? Ask your attorney but I’m guessing that for your then ex wife to have any access she needs to go through layers of permissions. So maybe agreeing to drop that out of the contract per se would still make it unlikely she got access for the next couple of years and after that it’s a moot point.

What I want you to have is some provable manner of showing she’s aware of the separation contract, lease issues and is open to moving. That’s why I suggested the e-mail.
My biggest fear is her returning with a refusal to move and a counteroffer. It’s to your advantage to be able to show a certain willingness to facilitate her moving and that she is aware of the terms IF this ends in front of a judge.

But despite my hard @ss posts - you are doing great!

heartbrokeninNC posted 7/17/2020 09:39 AM

What I want you to have is some provable manner of showing she’s aware of the separation contract, lease issues and is open to moving.

She is aware of the separation contract but I can have the attorney send it to her via certified mail so that there is a trail leading back to her. Also, there has been a move made already to take some of her stuff (clothes and makeup) to POSOM place. From that, she is open to moving and by doing so is aware of the lease issues.

My biggest fear is her returning with a refusal to move and a counteroffer.

That is mine also.


It’s to your advantage to be able to show a certain willingness to facilitate her moving and that she is aware of the terms IF this ends in front of a judge.

I can facilitate her moving but do not want to incur all the costs myself. That is the sticking point. She has a way of taking a mile if given an inch.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/17/2020 18:04 PM

Once she is out of the house, I wouldn’t consider helping with further moving expenses.

Where she goes and who she is with is her choice , concern, and expense....not yours.

Remember, she made the decision to cheat and choose him over the M, so anything she does or wants going forward is her responsibility.

If she knows you’re willing to pay to make her go away, she will milk you dry.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:05 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

DeWittle posted 7/17/2020 21:12 PM

Although the age of majority is 18 for legal issues, in most states the age of consent for emergency medical treatment is 16. Check with your lawyer but I am 99.99% sure your state is 16 to consent and 18 to decline emergency medical treatment. It is moot because in an emergency (which is a gray line) we have “assumed consent” if a parent is not available (again, that is a gray line). Check with your lawyer, I’m just a paramedic, but do not let that be a sticking point.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:14 PM, July 17th (Friday)]

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