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Update to Christmas Eve D-Day

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Buffer posted 8/4/2020 00:00 AM

Good weekend, lots of war stories, how cool!!
Well a few days closer and the weak willed will be out. Clear minds now. Treat the body like a temple,
hug DD as much as you need.
Ask STBX not to be late with the first child support payment. Accept no excuse, she wouldn't cut you any slack.
One day at a time
Buffer

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/4/2020 06:02 AM

The weekend was great and hardly thought about WW!!!! Saw folks that I haven't seen for years and they have my back. Sat around the fire and told stories, ate a lot of shrimp also. Was very comforting knowing that and believe that's the reason I've been at peace for the last 5 days or so. The support here has been phenomenal as well. Still working on myself so I can put the best me out there which is always a work in progress.

fooled13years posted 8/4/2020 08:06 AM

heartbrokeninNC,

Getting myself ready to go back on the market and should have no problems

Still working on myself so I can put the best me out there which is always a work in progress


Working on yourself should be a life long endeavor but it appears to me that you place a certain amount of self-worth on being in a relationship.
The weekend was great
Saw folks that I haven't seen for years and they have my back. Sat around the fire and told stories, ate a lot of shrimp also. Was very comforting knowing that and believe that's the reason I've been at peace for the last 5 days or so

IMHO, if you are going to grow a relationship it is your relationships with family and friends you should be concentrating on for a while.

Take it from me, when you least expect it is when you will meet someone that is worth spending time with.

rugswept posted 8/4/2020 08:26 AM

The freedom you feel is because you are free of concerns of whatever she is doing.

The really bad thing of going R is that you are living with it, for life. As an R, I still wonder what thing will go wrong in our M and off she'll go with someone who's interested.

What I just said never goes away.

A clean break puts you in the much simpler mode: can I forget, for there is no more "the two of us".

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/4/2020 08:52 AM

IMHO, if you are going to grow a relationship it is your relationships with family and friends you should be concentrating on for a while.

fooled13years, thank you so much for the insight. I'm reassessing a lot of priorities right now and focusing on separation and D. Once I'm in a good place, I'll put myself back out there but not before I'm ready. It wouldn't be fair to the other person. Firmly believe like you, someone is out there but this storm needs to be weathered first.

The freedom you feel is because you are free of concerns of whatever she is doing.

Rugswept, it took me a while to figure that out and feel at peace with it. Once that happened, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

The false R gave me the closure that was needed to move forward with D as I feel that is the right thing to do in my situation. WW was never remorseful which weighed on me a lot after DDay, but rather, she felt entitled to the A. I could not live with that.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/5/2020 18:18 PM

16 days left until I can go full NC!!! Tired of having her around, all I can see are triggers when she is around.

Caught her tonight talking with POSOM in the house. Tired of this shit!!!!! Told her to take it elsewhere but guess what, no respect for my boundaries since she stated that its not going to happen.

Buffer posted 8/6/2020 05:19 AM

Remember it is all about her, she has suffered, she has to travel the see her AP. You as her partner of 20 years should be more understanding.
In case you canít read between the lines Ďsarcasmí levelled towards her. You have not long term go just 15 sleeps and a hang over to go!
Buffer.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/6/2020 05:56 AM

Thanks Buffer!! Knew that I should not have engaged her but when a boundary is being crossed something had to be said. To WW, my triggers are inconsequential and it has been stated back to me (queue the gaslighting) as such. Just can't understand these flippant and justifying attitudes these waywards have.

16 more days!!

Ginny posted 8/6/2020 07:31 AM

Heartbroken, I have to ask. Is your wife a bully? Has she always treated you this way? Your life is going to be so much better when she is gone. You are going to be able, eventually, to find someone that treats you as you should be treated. It will be a relief, I am sure.

(This is my 1000th post. I have seen a LOT in my six years here.)

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/6/2020 09:32 AM

Ginny, the bullying has been there but was under the surface. It has gotten worse in the past 3 years but got unbearable in the last year with the run-up to the A. After doing research, came to find out that this was narcissistic abuse.

Whenever I would voice my concerns or opinions about anything (sometimes loudly) out of frustration would get accused of being a jerk every single time. She would not communicate with me and would use that as an excuse to shut me down if she did not like what she was hearing. Very frustrating as I was not seen as an equal partner in the relationship. My voice was taken away and got lost in the M.

Ginny posted 8/7/2020 20:20 PM

It will be so freeing to have your voice back. Iím sorry you suffered that kind of abuse.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/7/2020 21:24 PM

I've been finding my voice again since the separation process started. The liberation and healing process is beginning but will get better once WW is out of the house and NC. With WW leaving it means no more new hurts, lies and gaslighting. Looking back, cannot believe that I tolerated or allowed the behavior.

No more, I'll be free in 13 days and a wake-up!!!

Buffer posted 8/8/2020 03:01 AM

Cool we are all counting the days with you.
Buffer

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/11/2020 06:02 AM

All is going well here for the most part. STBXWW is steadily packing her stuff up and has it strewn down the hallway so she can pack it up in her car. Still doing the hard 180/grey rock and sticking to it. It's hard but it has to be done in order to get through this. Trying to minimize the hurts as much as possible. WW was trying to get me to help out along with DD16 and we flat out refuse. DD16 had choice words for her when she tried to get her to help.

10 days and a wake-up!!

Newlifeisgreat posted 8/11/2020 06:16 AM

You are doing great!!
Keep it up!!

Very soon she is out of your life forever!!!

Bigger posted 8/11/2020 06:33 AM

hbNC
If it would speed things up I would be bubble-wrapping and packing beside your soon-to-be-ex simply to get this over with ASAP.

Iím not big on revenge. There are a couple of people that have transgressed seriously to me, in ways that could/would have serious negative impact on my life. Iím not afraid of confrontation and tend to handle such transgressions head-on. But I try to avoid petty personal disputes that really donít have any profit whatsoever for me.

For example: My ex spread some rumors about me after we broke up. Some of the rumors were quite nasty and could have impacted my job as a LEO. I dealt with them with my supervisor and that was it. I didnít see any profit in phoning her friends and telling her no Ė Bigger didnít accept bribes or do drugs Ė nor did I see any profit in spreading rumors about how half her income as a hairdresser was unreported. I just detached and moved on. I didnít see a need to ďwinĒ but I did see a need to detach.

Bigheart2018 posted 8/11/2020 07:38 AM

Dear HNC,

Iíve followed your story and it is my assessment that you are doing extremely well with all the crap you had to face and disseminate. I would recommend you continue to detach from your WW and if you chose not to participate in helping her moveÖ so be it. I donít believe you are engaged in an act of revenge by not helping her move!

Best,
Bigheart

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/11/2020 08:15 AM

Bigger, I thought about helping her out but when it comes down to it she'll sit back and have me do it all little by little. It's in her nature to take a mile when given an inch. This way if something does get messed up, broken or misplaced it will be on WW only. During the M, I was the one doing the heavy lifting and taking care of everything being more or less of a two legged pack horse. No more. This is a way of reasserting and standing up for myself. It's not being done out of malice or revenge but rather a mode of protection.

Bigger posted 8/11/2020 09:03 AM

Helping her isn't really the issue. The issue is getting her out. If carrying her boxes out the door helps... I would do it simply to get them out.

The moment you can close the door on her is a very significant moment. If moving boxes makes that happen quicker... I see that as helping YOU.

heartbrokeninNC posted 8/11/2020 09:06 AM

I'll carry the boxes out or have my son help her out the door but when it comes to the packing, she can do that. Currently, STBXW has about 75% of her stuff packed away and ready to go.

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