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Wedding Anniversary in Separation

crazyblindsided posted 6/22/2020 15:46 PM

Well this is the first anniversary where it wasn't acknowledged by either of us. While I have wanted this non acknowledgement it still came with a bitter taste. 19 years we have been married. Most would be elated to have this many years together. For me it is another reminder of how it has failed.

This wasn't how I imagined my future. So many dreams lost. Hopes that have been dashed, and memories fractured. I still do not feel ok. Do people ever feel ok again

Phoenix1 posted 6/22/2020 16:42 PM

I remember my first wedding anniversary after I kicked him out. We were just getting ready to file after agreeing on settlement. He acknowledged it with a "Happy Anniversary" text and I did not. I wasn't sad. Rather, I was furious. At him. We were almost 30 years together and he blew it with his selfishness. Sure, I was sad at the thought that this was not what I had envisioned for our future and I was starting over, but I was more angry (livid!) at HIM because it was all his fault! That anger overshadowed the sadness, and I am fairly certain I probably broke something of his that day in a fit of rage.

So I get the sadness. Totally. Just try to keep the perspective of *why* it failed, and it wasn't because of you. Because of that, it was out of your control. No, that doesn't make it less sad, but it can help you turn your thinking around a little. As hard as it is, try to think of the positives. Doing this will also help you feel "ok" again. Make a list of those positives - fresh start, life on your terms, not shackled to a cheater and playing infidelity police, etc. Whatever it is. Focus on those.

Feel the sad feelings, but don't let them park a permanent cloud over you to keep you stuck there. Do something nice for yourself.

It takes a LONG time with a lot of work on emotional detachment, but yes, people do feel okay again. So will you.

((crazyblindsided))

soverybetrayed posted 6/22/2020 20:49 PM

Edit: Sorry, I lost the most important part of my poat.....The first few years I would be sad on my anniversary but by the 4th year I would realize that I had forgotten about it. Now I don't remember it unless someone mentions my ex or asks how long I was married. It gets easier and less painful. ((hugs))


I have been divorced since 2012 and it took a few years but I am much better. I'm now 61 and most bought my own place in a winter Texan park. I have a sweet little yorkie who is loved by all and I have made some really wonderful friends here. I wouldn't change it for anything. My divorce was the best thing for my marriage. I tried to get past his cheating and emotional abuse but I'm glad we divorced.

I have done things that I would never have done with him. I took contract jobs in New York and Kentucky. I made huge money at those jobs but it wasn't about the money, it was about doing things he said I couldn't do. I can't work anymore but I found out that I was a smart qualified person who could drive alone to New York.

The only regret I have ever felt is that I wasn't married to the right person. I accept that I married a Narc who couldn't love anyone and realize it's his loss. I am happy being alone in my cute little park model mobile home decorated my way eating what I want!!

[This message edited by soverybetrayed at 7:38 AM, June 23rd (Tuesday)]

gmc94 posted 6/25/2020 19:43 PM

My WH and I were S for our 25th anniversary last year.

I got an awesome massage and had dinner with my DD.

Despite telling my WH I did not want to acknowledge it, he tried to sneak over and deliver a gift (small silver box).
I suspect that date will always have some pain and grieving about all the lost dreams. But IMO 20+ years of deceit is nothing to celebrate.

Muggle posted 6/25/2020 23:10 PM

This year would have been year 26. The first year I suffered and was still reeling from finding out he had cheated, then married someone he knew 14 days and let me find out by a mistake.

Anniversary 2, I spent having dinner out alone, and then I made a cake for the dogs. It was their birthday on the same day. I had a glass of wine and no tears, almost zero emotion. It came and went like a fart in the wind. LOL

He didn't seem to know I even existed when he decided that I wasn't worthy of saying goodbye or
"hey I think I'm done, I think I'll marry some woman I met a few weeks ago, now that you found out about her." I was still healing from the one he was with at Christmas.

I hope they had a great dinner out on my birthday and they enjoy every anniversary they have together. She got my discarded, cheating SOB, douche canoe of a man. When it falls apart eventually she will remember HER birthday (their anniversary) as extra special.

I think as time goes on you adapt and have to make a conscious effort to re-brand those days as new traditions. I go out on my old anniversary and treat myself to something special, and celebrate that he's someone else's problem now.

StillLivin posted 6/26/2020 00:15 AM

The first year I was sad, more than sad. By the second year, the date came and went and I didn't even notice. He had called and left a message about something, don't even remember what it was, now, on the 2d wedding anniversary after Dday. Our D wasn't final, but I'd been DONE by that point. I was in the middle of final exams and just super busy that whole week. So you can understand how distracted I was. Anyway, I finally got back to Xhole a few days later and he was so fucking nasty and mean. I just assumed that him and Shrek were at it or something else was going on in his life. Meh, whatever. I gave him whatever info he'd originally bothered me for, and hung up on him and turned the phone off. The next morning, I'd had nothing but more vitriol on my VM. Lol, THAT'S when it hit me. Poor puddin got his wittle feelings hurt that I didn't acknowledge his initial message or texts on the wedding anniversary. Sooo, I'm telling you all this because I really want you to feel it. When he is completely out of your life, you will get to the point that you are oblivious to his existence. You WILL make an amazing life for yourself. And he won't even be a blip in the background.

thishurts123 posted 6/26/2020 00:29 AM

We separated the day after our 19th anniversary - it sucked! We were still separated and married for the 20th anniversary but divorced by the 21st. I get sad when I think of what has been lost. But then I see him and remember all the BS; then I'm good. Luckily he moved away and his visits are few and far between. I feel ok more and more - little by little. I don't like being single yet I dread the thought of dating. I've done lunch dates with men I've met OLD sites but nothing has come of it. Honestly it's probably too soon for me but the lunch thing works well for now. It gets me out there in a controlled timetable - no long dates lol. Hopefully one day that part will come.

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