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Ok so I seperated from my WH 2 weeks ago and I've done fairly well keeping away. He has come a few times to see the kids and the first 2 times he wanted to 'talk' after they slept. Both times were basically him ranting and raging that I was a shit wife, contributed to his cheating, I am the one not moving forward by trying to find out the truth etc etc. 3 nights ago I heard how he has been unhappy for years and that I'm selfish apparently and here's the cherry - if I don't change he doesn't want to stay married to me. (Basically his usual blame shifting, deflecting tactics). Although his words hurt, thankfully my friends and family were able to bring me back to reality and keep me grounded to his bullshit.

So after the last rant I sent him a message saying that I've obviously made him unhappy, and he deserves happiness so it's time to let him go and bs along those lines. Defending myself doesn't work with this guy. He's always right. He responds with let's continue our time apart.

Last night he comes to see the kids. Compliments me on my new hair. Is super nice all the sudden and after they sleep tells me he misses me, he's sorry, he was angry because of the situation etc. Suddenly I'm the love of his life. I quite frankly told him I'm confused and left it at that.

I'm not sure what I'm dealing with anymore. I'm definitely convinced that he has some kind of personality disorder. He ticks off some of the narcissistic traits but not all. I don't know if he's sincere or just playing me anymore...

So after the last rant I sent him a message saying that I've obviously made him unhappy, and he deserves happiness so it's time to let him go

Haha! I finally did that with STBX. I stopped JADEing and agreed with him. "I clearly don't make you happy. You deserve someone who makes you happy. I'll go..."

Yeah, that threw him for a loop and he was not happy. What else is new???

You can't make sense of crazy. And waywards are crazy. Their minds are completely distorted. Detach and move on. And if he is blaming you, then this separation is just a giant cake eating expedition for him. Separations in general are cake eating expeditions for waywards.

What do YOU want? you don't need to wait on him to decide which direction YOUR life is going to go. You are the captain of your ship.

The 180 is your best friend. There is no reason for you to engage with him right now. You are separating, so separate. Do not respond to him unless it relates to your kids or finances. Nothing personal. Detach so you can think clearly about your situation. Your WH is probably going to continue to try to engage you. Don't let him.

I don't know if he's sincere or just playing me anymore...

Your WH is a liar, so words mean nothing. Besides, which part is he sincere about? That you are the love of his life or you are a terrible wife? Don't believe anything he tells you. Listen to his actions. If he starts doing things to show you he loves you and puts you first, you will know. If he doesn't, his "I love you"'s don't mean anything.

Stop allowing him any opportunity to say any of this crap/ lies to you.

Put an end to it.

You are the love of his life when it’s convenient for him.

When my H was begging me to R (and I refused) I said to him, “why would you want to R? You’ve been unhappy for years!” I also told him “you want to R - but last week you told me you don’t want to be married anymore. I don’t understand”.

I would just ignore all the words. Blah blah blah. I would solely focus in his actions.

I "was" the love of his life when he wasn't lying, cheating or having everything his way.

I remember the things he said when we met compared to the things he said when I caught him in his lies, saw his infidelity and decided to respect myself enough to say no more. They are like two novels one from heaven and one from the 7 level of Dante's Inferno.

You can't change his version of events. No point in trying to change his mind, correct him from the alternative narrative he's created about your relationship. He can feel what he feels, he can believe what he believes, and it's no longer your responsibility to change his views, or defend yourself against his complaints.

I found these on responses to a Narcissist to end a conversation:

1. I am sorry you feel that way.

You are dealing with a man with narcissistic traits. You have entered the relationship twilight zone. No answers are right, nothing you will do will make him happy, and he's never going to change. Leave the twilight zone and make a life destination change.

I think you are on the right track by "letting him go". Keep us posted.

He ticks off some of the narcissistic traits but not all. I don't know if he's sincere or just playing me anymore...

Dfdxb, think about it. He called you horrible names and told you he wanted a D and then when you accepted the blame he put on you and agreed to D, he suddenly wants R. Does that sound sincere to you? You basically reverse psychology'd him to get him to falsely agree to R. He wasn't sincere when he called you names and he wasn't sincere when he said you were the love of his life. Both were him trying to manipulate you into doing what he wanted which was accept blame for all of his terrible behavior, keep your head down, and let him do whatever he wants without consequences. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

See a lawyer right away and ask them how to stop him from coming and going as he pleases. File for D. Take your power back. Lean on your family and friends for support. They see clearly how terrible he is and they can guide you through this. If you need additional support and guidance, get an IC.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Just knowing there are others who understand what I'm talking about helps massively.

On Saturday he reached all time lows (name calling, I'm a shitty wife, he wants a divorce etc) I told him I'm done and spoke to my older brother who called him and told him to stay away. So far he has. We've only communicated about house issues. He hasn't even attempted to see the kids since then.

I'm just sad that he's not the man I thought he was. Working on detaching myself now and my IC, family and friends have been great.

[This message edited by dfdxb at 4:03 AM, July 14th, 2020 (Tuesday)]

My STBXWH said many horrible things to me and about me. I am a terrible person but also the love of his life and he can’t live without me.

The kicker was, we have nothing in common.

I told him that I agree and thank goodness that I am nothing like him. I asked him to imagine if I was just like him. We’d both be crazy WS’s playing stupid games with everyone’s life.

Last exAP and WH had heaps in common. Both serial cheaters. Both controlling narcissistic abusive adulterous superficial vain, fake unlovable selfish losers.

I told WH, He and exAP were perfect for each other and he should try to reconcile with his OW. She’d have him back. He told me to f*** off. exAP was a terrible person. She had cheated on him and former husband.

By then exAP had already moved onto OM. ExAP had a plan B.

My WH was adamant that he can’t change.

I told WH that I had changed and I am changing all the time. Self improvement is liberating. 1st positive change was leaving him.