NorthernMSB posted 7/10/2020 21:04 PM

I wasn’t going to post anything anymore. I’m so tired. WH and I just had a reasonable day. Worked all day cutting grass in the 42 degrees Celsius heat. Etc. We were watching the new Charlize Theron movie on Netflix and he fell asleep. I started crying for no real reason except I do it pretty much everyday for 15 months since DDay2 or 3 I guess. I was crying because he told someone he loved them. For years. So I told him to go to bed and he got mad at me and said I was bitter he fell asleep. I actually wasn’t. I just thought he would be more comfortable upstairs in bed. So I said I had been crying for 30 minutes and I told him why. He swore at me. Said for fuck sakes. And kind of sneered at me and went to bed. So. I sleep on the couch again like I do most nights and he sleeps like a baby with no regrets or anything. I am so tired. That is it. Just needed to say something to someone.

Justsomeguy posted 7/10/2020 22:19 PM

I'm sorry that you are 8n this place. I dont lnow your history, but this does not sound like the life you need.

20yrsagoBS posted 7/10/2020 22:27 PM

Sorry NorthernMSB,

You’re describing limbo, a truly sucky place to be

TX1995 posted 7/11/2020 00:00 AM

((NorthernMSB))

I’m so sorry. I wish I had some sage advice or magic wand. Just wanted you to know that I know that tired feeling. You are heard. Sending love.

Okokok posted 7/11/2020 08:34 AM

Hi Northern MSB, I've read all of your posts from the very beginning.

First, know that you are heard and we are bearing witness. You are in an awful situation and have been for a long, long time. Not just the past 15 months. 20+ years.

Second (and sorry if you didn't come here for this today), everything I have ever read about how your husband treats you makes me so, so sad for you. I will also add that I do not believe that he has ever been fully honest with you. Maybe you believe that, too.

I wonder if you truly know, in your heart of hearts, that not only can 1) things be better, and not only do 2) you deserve better, but that these two things mean something beyond your own personal happiness, comfort, and overall well-being.

I get a sense from everything I've read from you that you are strong, determined, fierce in your love, and generally focused on being a productive, effective, all-around fantastic human. Not buttering you up here. I think I truly have a sense that this is the kind of person you are or at least strive to be. And yet you've been lost and broken for fifteen months, off the rails from your usual life-train.

And I wonder if you believe, somewhere deep inside, that these things about you, your internal goals, your hopes for your sons maybe, can only continue to exist if you keep yourself in this place, just right where you are. Because something inside tells you you have to, perhaps for the benefit of everyone else.

I think I'm at least a little right about all this. I bet you think about your two boys a lot. I bet you want to give them every part of your being and the world itself, if you could. And I can't help but think here today about how they are really not boys anymore, but are just starting out learning to be men.

I hope you know that, as long as you live, the greatest gift you will ever have a chance to give to those men is the gift of you. The best version of you. Your happiest, healthiest, strongest, most self-actualized self.

And for them, it will be the greatest gift they ever receive. It's a gift that will resonate through time, through their own relationships, their own children, their own well-beings, and how *they* operate and affect the world. The kind of men they will be. In this way, the gift you give them will result in an exponentially-growing good, long after you're gone. The all-powerful Mom effect. Quite a force.

I have no doubt that you've been giving this gift of yourself for a long time. And I also have no doubt that part of the brokenness you've felt in the last year or so is related to all of that feeling like it's falling apart, or lost, or has always been something different, or whatever. You've been through an unthinkable trauma, and really it's lasted decades; you just didn't know it.

I wonder if you feel that you've lost yourself.

Hope you don't mind the long Saturday-morning novel I'm writing you here. But your story has struck me as one of deep sadness, but also one with great potential for incredibly beautiful late chapters.

Life does not need to be like this. There is beauty waiting on the other side if you can get there. Happiness. Laughter. Deep love. Warm breezes. Fireflies. Squeezed grandchildren and their strong, handsome, principled fathers. Deep sleep. Hot coffee. A calm, healed heart.

If you want to, I know you can get there. Not just for you (most important), but for everyone and everything you care about (who benefit from you being ok in the end).

Whatever happens from here, you will be loved and supported in this place, get advice and encouragement no matter what path you choose to walk.

So sorry for your rough day. Today is a new one.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:53 AM, July 11th (Saturday)]

BetterTimesAhead posted 7/11/2020 09:03 AM

NorthernMSB, you have been heard. I am in that same place. So very tired. My WH also told AP he loved her and still at times tells me she is a better person than I will ever be. He tells me I need to get over it because after all, I found out about it about 15 months ago so I should be all better right? I hate being in this place too. I struggle with the same things. I am finding my strength and trying to do what's best for me and my son. We care too much even when someone doesn't deserve it. Try to focus on you. Imagine your life without him. Do you see the potential? We can't change who someone is or what they do. We can only change our reaction to their actions. We are all responsible for our own choices and you (and me too) have to the power to change things. Maybe we can't make them a successful marriage with our cheaters, but we can have a happy and fulfilling life. It's a tough step to take but we can do it. Many hugs to you- you are not alone. Wishing you the strength to see how amazing you are and that you can have the better life that you deserve.

Jehuretired posted 7/11/2020 09:11 AM

There's major wisdom in Okokok's post. Read it twice. Then read it again. No one should cry themselves to sleep night after night. You deserve better.

oldtruck posted 7/11/2020 09:22 AM

1st mistake
waking up WH and telling him to go to bed

2nd mistake
telling him why

3rd mistake
you do not give up the bed. you leave WH asleep on the sofa
and you go take the bed

you both need IC. you are stuck and for him to say the things
he says shows he still has a WS mindset.

crazyblindsided posted 7/11/2020 10:28 AM

Okokok's post really helped me. Lot's of wisdom in that post and very empowering. I really do want the life described in that post.

(((NorthernMSB))) I get it I've been living this myself for decades. When I stop to think about me and STBX, we had maybe 5 good years out of 24. It's done a lot of damage to me. I have been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder since this started. I know that being with an unremorseful spouse has exacerbated the trauma from an A. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and c-PTSD from this. Makes me really mad at my STBX
what kind of human inflicts this kind of pain on another.

Hope you can treat yourself to some things that make YOU feel good in the coming days. Peace for all of us.

realitybites posted 7/11/2020 10:37 AM

I was crying because he told someone he loved them. For years. So I told him to go to bed and he got mad at me and said I was bitter he fell asleep. I actually wasn’t. I just thought he would be more comfortable upstairs in bed. So I said I had been crying for 30 minutes and I told him why. He swore at me. Said for fuck sakes. And kind of sneered at me and went to bed. So. I sleep on the couch again like I do most nights and he sleeps like a baby with no regrets or anything.

So you have a spouse who"sneered" at you. Got defensive. And then left you to go and sleep like a baby? Girl..... you don't have a remorseful WS, you have a WS who is a selfish a**hole. And I bet it has not just been about an A, I bet he has been selfish about ALOT of things. He gets his way by bullying you, and then you back off.

You need to find your voice. And what I mean by that is not telling him anything about you anymore, you need to find your voice by finding YOU again. Stop talking to him. Seriously. You are giving this person your feelings and emotions and he does not give a crap about them.

Find a plan of what you want your life to look like, just you. Do not include him in what your happiness should look like. Go find long lost friends, go take a class of some kind, volunteer somewhere, join a gym... what ever it is, find something that is just all about you.

I had the same exact thing happen. And I let it go too long as well. You need to go and do things that do not include him and find things that bring you joy. He sadly is not one of them.

I hate losers like this, who feel entitled to cheat and be mean to their spouse.

NorthernMSB posted 7/11/2020 17:19 PM

Thank you so very much everyone. I didn't expect such amazing support. My post wasn't an attention grabber, just one of those so common despairing cries in the dark.

Justsomeguy, 20yrsagoBS, TX1995: Thank you for responding.

Okokok: I was blown away by your response and humbled that you know my pathetic little story. No. He has never been honest with me and it eats at me every single day, and he won’t. I am broken and have lost myself. I lost myself sometime before all this in the manner most women do when mothers and wives. That bright, fierce, utterly independent girl and woman from before was fading, and you are right, the realization of what my life had been (and I didn’t know) knocked me completely off the rails.

My boys (men!) have moved out. The older (21) still will not talk to my WH unless spoken to first and he is in his last year as a millwright apprentice. My younger son (18) just graduated high school and started a construction/contracting apprenticeship. I am so proud. They live together in an apartment, moved out to be independent and to be frank, get away from their dad. My boys are good men and they love me and respect me.

After the older moved out in March I “rescued” my 85 year old father from a long term care home that had 4 positive cases of COVID19. The government where I am mandated sweeping testing in ALL the homes, and most came up with positives. Dad was negative, so I took him out and quarantined him for 2 weeks (that is impossible with one bathroom! FYI) and he will live here with us until he dies. End stage cancer, he is fading by inches and has gone from 200 pounds to about 164. I care for him. And watch him die. I am also doing a masters level university course for my writing. And of course, writing for a living. So. I feel most of the time like my skin is turned inside out and all my nerves are on the outside exposed. Do you know what I mean? EVERYTHING seems to hurt.

There is beauty waiting on the other side if you can get there. Happiness. Laughter. Deep love. Warm breezes. Fireflies. Squeezed grandchildren and their strong, handsome, principled fathers. Deep sleep. Hot coffee. A calm, healed heart.

This is the goal. I always seem to not be enough. Not do enough. Not pretty enough. Skinny enough. House isn’t clean enough (2 HUGE hairy dogs and 3 cats. Lol). Not smart enough. Honestly what you are describing above is my idea of heaven. And alone would be good too. Thank you for putting it into words for me and for pulling me out of my sadness.

BetterTimesAhead: I wish you were clear of this and I am sending you whatever strength and support you need. I will think about you.

Jehuretired: I actually copied parts of Okokok’s post and saved it on my phone. Thank you.

Oldtruck: He has never been sorry, well he is sorry that my attitude and flaws made him need to talk to “better, more fun” women. Obviously telling him to go to bed was not my first mistake. Lol

Crazyblindsided: Thank you. It sounds like we have experienced many of the same things and I hope for peace for you, as well.

Realitybites: Yes. He is selfish, and in many things. I am no shrinking violet, believe me. Lol If you met me, you would never think I would take any of this bullshit. But honestly, all the arguments, laying out of logical routes, and defense of myself have gained me nothing but pain. I don’t speak at all anymore. Very very rarely. I usually just do my own thing and stay quiet. He is not sorry, and I never lose sight of that and the potential for further damage. You are right in your assessments. Thank you for answering my post.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 5:20 PM, July 11th (Saturday)]

outofsorts posted 7/11/2020 20:37 PM

(((Hugs NorthernMSB)))

I am also 15 months out from Dday (and suffering from horrible heat here to). And it is so exhausting. So fing exhausting.

Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for months.