Hi, I read both your posts and could write a book. I don't know how to stop picking either. It is my nature. I have to know everything and understand everything. I found out what I do know either by accident or snooping and got mostly lies from my WH and his AP. Your discovery was much more traumatic than mine. I'm so sorry. I'm no guide through this maze, and am lost myself most days, but here's what I know today.
I am haunted by the emails I didn't get to read too, because I cracked an old phone with 3 years of proof, but didn't know about the full 8 years of their A I would eventually uncover. By the time I realized the affair was not a decade ago, but ongoing, I had already permanently deleted his personal fun email account and there is no getting those back from the more current years. I know they would likely give me a hundred new things to be hurt and angry and shocked about, and I suspect a host of other lies would be uncovered, and I wonder why my brain wants every gory detail, and why I'm not better at wanting to protect myself from any more facts that would only hurt.
I'm a little farther out than you maybe, my discoveries ran from late 2017 to late 2019, and we did 8 months of false reconciliation before I scared her off, and another year of slow revelations to finally grasp the extent of the A, to get to the state I am in now. Lots of puzzle pieces, some parts filled in, lots of gaping holes. My WH either doesn't remember or won't say the truth of his LTA, and I want a full novel, not an outline missing parts. We have had the worst fights of our marriage in 2020, whenever I push for more answers. We are both still a bit raw and learning how to communicate without so much emotion. He truly has no answers for me and I'm beginning to believe he has blocked most of it from memory or is too ashamed to admit, even to himself. At least your husband asks how you are and wants to apologize freely. Mine has said to me a dozen times, I made a mistake, I said I was sorry, if I could take it all back and make it go away I would. That's all he's got, and I know we can't time travel, but I want to grow and learn from this so I can feel safe again. He's sure I'm not healing because I can't let go of my unanswered questions, especially the WHY.
My therapist asked what difference any new information could make and I know the answer is not much, if any, other than uncovering more little lies around the big one. My therapist also said that based on my OCD and my inquisitive mind and the extent of the trickle truth and gaslighting that I was going to have a harder time with reconciliation, moving forward and letting go. He did not say I know treatments for betrayed spouses who think like you, and it was obvious to me that there is no fix for this thing that happened to me, not with my brain and my personality and my moral code. We mostly focused in IC on helping me identify a path forward that I could live with, not on healing me from the trauma. I know I need some followup work on that, but I'm too tired to tell this story to another person on the chance they have a solution for my brain.
If I were to pursue more professional help, I would focus on CBT or EMDR techniques to try to rewire my brain from obsessing on what I don't know. I'm trying to get myself to understand that no good can come of it, and honestly, I'm not sure any more looking backward will help me stay happy in this marriage. I remind myself that what I need now is to feel safe, respected and less vulnerable. Getting my hands on the details I crave would certainly undermine that, so I'm in a lot of negotiations with myself over letting it go.
I also remind myself that I need more time. I'm at the end of year 2, maybe? depending on how you count it, but 16 months from finding out the truth of the LTA and false reconciliation while he continued his A and lied about NC. So I'm close to your stage in the recovery confusion. It takes so much patience with ourselves and everyone to make the tiniest progress.
I wish I had more answers and less "me too" sympathies to offer. I try to stop the spiral with anything that helps. Talking to him, or going for a walk, or cranking music and dancing or too much wine, or calling the friends that know to tough love me into a healthier mindset. I wear my BE HERE NOW bracelet everyday but usually feel like I have no clue where I am anymore. Pre A, I was dead certain who I was and where I was and I had accepted everything about myself and my marriage and was the happiest of idiots. Now, I'm baking from scratch without a recipe and missing key ingredients. Find your happy moments where you can. Do what you need to do, just be sure it's what you need and it will help, not hurt you. Ask yourself the hard questions my therapist asked me. Journal and talk and walk and cry your way through this, and be patient with yourself on your journey. Best of luck to you.
ps to use the quotes just highlight the text you want quoted and click the " " icon above the message box next to Bold and Italic. :) also edited for typos.
[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 9:38 AM, July 12th, 2020 (Sunday)]