So I'm struggling with the question of the balance between my growing awareness and recognition of the ways STBXH behaved in controlling and emotionally manipulative ways, and my new experience of that as a form of abuse - on the one hand - and my desire to understand the ways in which I participated in a relationship that turns out was oppressive and stifling to me on the other.
As we move through the divorce process, and as I get farther and farther from his influence I can see more and more clearly his manipulative behavior. Part of me wants to go deep into acknowledging that as truly oppressive, and even abusive (and yet that feels like too strong a word). I'm seeing so often how I feel released, freed, and have a growing awareness of my own interests and desires that have been held in check for so long.
At the same time, I want to hold myself accountable for my part in staying in such a relationship. I want to learn and grow and not make this mistake again. It feels as though by acknowledging his actions as verging on abusive I will define myself as a victim and not be able to move beyond that. That scares me.
I lived with and loved someone for more than 30 years who turns out to have carefully created a narrative in which he got his way but it was always presented as him not asking for his way. And the subtlety of the control is staggering. I am only just beginning to be able to recognize it.
Here's today's example: We had agreed months ago that he would take on the monthly funds we give our young adult kids (who are financially independent, but barely - we cover the cost of their cell phones and their car insurance and that's it), because he has a better paying job than I do. We split it through the end of June because he was set to get a huge pay raise due to a job change after June 30. He chose, on his own, to take July off before starting his new job August 1. So, no income for him for July. Today he emailed and said, "I checked our emails and I don't see anything about how we decided to split the kids' funds for July."
That's because we didn't. He was supposed to start his new job July 1 and take over the funding. He never asked me about taking the time off, or negotiated with me to help out. But it gets presented totally neutrally, and also as if he is being somehow proactive or responsible by "checking past emails."
Until very recently I attributed that to him just not being on top of things or to me having done all the family administration in the past. But I'm seeing now how that's not the case. In fact, even my believing that now feels like part of my being under his influence. In fact, he's a smart fellow with a very good job with plenty of responsibility. This is about controlling me. Keeping me involved, keeping me tied up in the relationship.
Well, I emailed back saying, "We agreed you would take on all the funds for the kids after the end of June." That's it. If he responds asking for me to split it, I'm going to say that we never discussed my helping him out financially while he took a month off and so no. And I wonder what will happen then - that will be a new one.
I'm curious what you all have experienced and how you've navigated this. What do you think?