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Got an email earlier this week. We have been divorced for a year. Over that time (and because of covid), her now 17-1/2 YO daughter has told her that she doesn’t want to visit.

Before this is was about 16 hours a month! And the XWW says she is “trying to repair the relationship!”

Anyway, I got a dumpster last week. XWW has been gone since April 15. 2018, and she told me she doesn’t want any of her stuff she left behind. But wait! Then I hear “I want ‘this’ of ‘that’.”

I saved anything that seemed from her childhood or important. Told her she needs to pick it up. Also sent her pictures of things asking “toss” or “keep.”

Aparent this led her to thinking that maybe she needs to see her daughter.

Anyway, since I’m ranting...

Probably was the threat from her attorney of taking me to court and accuse me in contempt against our separation/divorce agreement. Or maybe it was the weeks worth of time cleaning out all of her stuff two years after she left. I don’t know...

I had started a fire on my fire pit that I made so our family could enjoy.

Something came over me. Maybe it wa ms the two beers I had. Maybe it was something else.

I’m a sentimental fool. I save EVERY card. And always a momento from a moment that was important to me in my life.

I burned it all. Starting with the last card she gave me for my birthday, where she wrote a note telling me she would never let me go (while she had already confessed her love to the Texas toolbag) to the first card she gave me while we were dating. Even the cork from the champagne bottle on the day I asked her to marry me. Gone. In the flames.

Well THAT was some therapy.

Good job!! Bet that felt great!

Hey HCD - good to *see* you.

I may have this wrong, but it seems there was a fire pit soon after your divorce where you had a great night with your girls...am I remembering that incorrectly?

Anwho - seems like that's been a great symbolic kind of place for you during all this. I too had a glorious pit of fire for my purging. It really is rather cathartic.

And nosing around about possessions and such after it's all over is one of my pet peeves. It's like they see it as one last little something to give you grief about or stay connected or "win" something. Goofiness.

You sound good though - hope things are well.

Usually divorce decrees give a person 90 or 180 days to get their stuff and if the person doesn't get the stuff then it becomes the property of the other person.

Now I'm not saying to burn her mementos, but her lawyer threat maybe just so much hot air after a year.

...yeah same fire pit. I built it the fall before she met the toolbag. Made it out of stones I dug up from the property. We live next to a quarry where they mine flat rocks made of shale. Can’t get away from them!

It did feel great! I have almost completely

Removed her presence.

The issue with the ‘contempt’ claim is DD17. She’s the youngest of the two. Anyway, she has decided she doesn’t want to see her mother anymore. In the divorce agreement, my part was to “work together with (XWW) so that (DD17) can spend more time at (XWW) house. I’m also responsible to “encourage” my daughter to the visits.

Now seeing as I basically grew up without a mother, I have a unique perspective on this subject. My mother does was I was rather young, and I would give almost anything for a relationship with her now. BUT, a healthy one. The way my CWW treats DD17 is Alonso’s like she is a child. She’s 17-1/2 for heavens sake!

The way I figure it, with covid going on, if she files with the court, we won’t get a date until after DD17 becomes DD18. So.....who cares?

I’m in a tough spot. Do I support my daughters request and fight back at risk to myself or just ask her to ‘suck it up’ for a couple hours every weekend.

Sorry for the rant again. I’m good at it!

What do y’all think?

And for the record, as I was throwing that crap into the fire, I did exclaim “burn baby burn! Never again will I be fooled!”

"encourage" her by telling her that she can make her own choices. Shes old enough to make that decision.

You just need to prove that you encouraged your DD. That could mean emails, or other ways. She is 17, so she can decide on her own. I don't think the court is going to punish you for a 17 yr old saying she doesn't want to hang with mom. Kids at that age can emancipate themselves.

Most courts will take a 17 yo's word for what they want I believe. Your daughter is old enough to know what she wants, so I say support her wishes.

I know when I did my last attorney consult DD was 16. At that point the attorney said don't even worry about any type of custody arrangement. She'd be able to make her own determination and she was close enough in age to make her own decision anyway. Any "fighting" over custody and/or child support would cost far more than it was worth.

Take that with a grain of salt. Infidelity aside WH is a good father and loves his daughter.

While I never filed - we are working on R - it was an interesting and sobering perspective.

I told my sons around 15 they did not have to visit anyone who made them feel bad about themselves nor anyone who played head games with them. Even a relative. Even their Dad or me!!!!! That they needed to learn now that they ARE allowed to set boundaries for themselves and what type of behavior is acceptable/unacceptable without explaining a damn thing to anyone.

They now go see him for an hour here or there, each driving their own vehicle in case they want to leave.

If their Dad were “normal” I would have told them they needed to spend time with people who cared about them. But their Dad and OW are mental abusers.

And about your xw atty contacting you, my atty said anyone can take anyone to court, that doesn’t mean they are going to win!

FWIW my xh lied to his atty, and they took me back to court. He said that he decided to not force the kids to see him, but to come over whenever they wanted. So, when he said he wanted the kids, I had a piece of paper written down all the dates he saw the kids for 5 years. It was minimal. 😂

His atty was mad at him for lying.

I think you are correct that by the time you have a hearing your daughter will be old enough to decide for herself who she sees.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:14 AM, July 21st (Tuesday)]

Well here’s the update. Had a call with my attorney today.

I explained what was going on, and the attorney remember how during negotiations I said the ambiguous custody arrangement would come back to bite me in the rear. But...she told me not to worry. The amount of hours spent the kids with XWW had slowly been dwindling over the months. Then add in the text message where XWW said “I’m done...(DD17) will contact me when she misses me...I’m not going to try anymore,” well let’s say I have a pretty good case here.

Now IF she brings me to court, and IF she were to win, well my attorney is smart- the language in the agreement is such that we will have to renegotiate EVERYTHING except child support. This is good because I still owe her $30k from the equity of the house.

Anyway, my attorney agreed that if this were peruses it would be about four months until a court date can be obtained (because we have to try mediation first), and by the time court happens DD17 will be DD18.

My attorney sent out a request for both XWW and DD17 to meet with a therapist to facilitate the healing process between them. Was that a good idea? I was thinking “what’s the worst that can happen?” And XWW absolutely HATES therapists. So....we will see.

My attorney sent out a request for both XWW and DD17 to meet with a therapist to facilitate the healing process between them. Was that a good idea?

I think this looks like great due diligence. You're acknowledging the situation and encouraging something healthy to resolve it beyond going into a courtroom.

It would appear that your ExWW has discovered what so many other waywards have discovered in that their A was just a fantasy and that there is no one in the family who is not affected by their choices.

Your ExWW's and your daughter's relationship may get better sometime in the future but I would be surprised if it were to ever get good again.