Hi N,
It never feels like this advice is sound but from having just experienced this myself, the best thing I can tell you is give yourself time to figure this out and take it day by day. I am the worst at this advice. I hate limbo. It gives me anxiety so naturally the long, drawn out process of separating, then filing for divorce, helping the kids through this mess, feeling immense guilt having pursued divorce and knowing I was hurting everyone, finally being divorced, and then figuring out this new life. It’s a lot for one person to process and emotions can differ each day.
I’m alone for the first time in 21 years. It is so damn peaceful and I find that comforting, but it’s also quiet and lonely. I have to figure out how to be okay in those lonely moments and how to fill that time. I lost myself so add on figuring out who I am outside of marriage, and it’s a perfect storm. You’re going to ride through many storms and come out stronger, but at times, it will kick your ass too. But just like a hurricane that comes through, the bands are vicious, the center calm, tornados spawn, and when it leaves, you literally have the most beautiful day you’ve ever seen. You’re going to have many days like that and finally, it’s a beautiful and peaceful day for all. Keep at it.
My ex still messages here and there. It’s strange to me to be honest. He asked about a recipe the other day. I ignored it. He then asked about our son and some details about college and I responded. I have decided that all communication will only be answered about the kids. I don’t hate him. I’m fine being cordial when we are at functions for our kids. I’ll be fine when or if he speaks to me at those functions , but if I don’t keep communication to that then I take 10 steps back each time and I don’t want to keep going backwards. We divorced for many reasons. Those still hold true. Forgiveness , moving forward, and healing are necessities and those cannot be explored and accomplished unless there is space and a break from the source. It’s hard. It’s a hard thing to fathom not being part of that person’s life no matter how toxic or destructive. They were in fact part of you so it’s a task. But think of it this way. If you have an addiction to sugar and you’re a diabetic, walking into a candy store each day does not allow you to break the addiction. It feeds it. For now, try to keep communication about essential things; your daughter, divorce needs, any official business. The rest, don’t engage but remember it’s a marathon not a sprint. Every person who has or is going through divorce will tell you we have all engaged more than we should of. It’s a difficult challenge for sure. So you take it day by day.
I know you feel that you’ve worn your welcome with friends when it comes to this topic. I know for me that’s not how I’m wired. My best friend lost her husband 10 years ago and she has bad days. She calls and we talk, she cry’s, and she apologizes over and over for going down that rabbit hole again. I simply tell her I don’t care. I’ll be here every time no questions asked. I don’t care if it takes a lifetime because I’ll have the same conversation over and over until she is okay. Find that friend and if you don’t, find it here. PM if that’s better and know there’s many who will gladly be that friend you need.
I promise you will be okay. Give yourself time to navigate this new life. And N, about how others think of you. It’s okay to listen and take what you need, but ultimately you and only you have to live your life. Care how you think and feel, and care about the person you want to be for yourself and your daughter. Those are the only two you need to focus on at this moment in time. The rest can wait.
[This message edited by Hutch at 6:25 AM, July 24th (Friday)]