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Moving over here

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longsadstory1952 posted 12/20/2020 09:18 AM

Corporate apartments were too expensive for me. Looked around and found a serviceable regular apartment paid the fees, went to furniture outlets and got bedroom and living room, went to Costco for tv, did the utilities connection and was fully set up and moved out in about 2 weeks.

Then spent the next several months getting stuff out of the old house, one carload at a time.

It was surprising how easy it was, and not expensive. Be picky, but not looking for perfection.

The first few nights were lonely but it got better. Itís liberating to have a plan and execute it, and freeing to get rid of all the junk you donít need.

That doesnít mean that saying goodbye the last day was easy. It wasnít. But the upside is that there wasnít someone fighting me all day forever. You will be shocked how it is when you can spend the day doing what you want instead of bargaining for snippets of time.

Call me crazy, but in many ways my two year adventure was pretty ok. I also found out that I was not the used up old guy I thought. Itís pretty great coming out of a long period of self denial.

Butforthegrace posted 12/21/2020 06:02 AM

I found a shared rental situation via the classifieds with another single man in similar circumstances. We rented a 2-br house. I got the stero, TV, and some living room furniture. He got a dining table/chairs and kitchen stuff. We each furnished our own BR.

Since we were each newly single, the kitchen was comically "single man" kitchen. Often, the only objects in the fridge might be a 6-pack, a bottle of wine, maybe a jar of mustard. I'd bet the stove might see weeks between being turned on for any reason.

We each learned to be on the lookout for coming home in the evening to find the other having sex with some woman in the living room. Or in the bath, but with the door opened so we could hear music from the stereo.

Bumping into random females in the kitchen on a Saturday or Sunday morning, wearing their rumpled LBD from the night before, or maybe one of his dress shirts and some sweat pants.

KingofNothing posted 12/21/2020 08:28 AM

I used a POD for pretty much the same reasons. If you have a lot of junk you want to get rid of, you might want to rent a rollaway for a couple of days, first, and then rent a POD. It's remarkably freeing going from cluttered to semi-minimalist. Also she got to see me throwing out things like portraits of us together, gifts she had given me, etc. I'm not into rubbing someone's face in the mess but it helped communicate the finality of my decision, maybe more poignantly than anything I actually said. Note on the POD.. if you can, park it in the driveway. Those suckers kill grass, even if on your lawn for a short time.

I had a longer contract. I got it for six months storage at a facility and when I eventually moved into my current house I had an unpacking party with my kids and a lady friend.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 8:29 AM, December 21st (Monday)]

Trapped74 posted 12/23/2020 11:36 AM

Yes, December 12 can get f%$#ed. 12/12/2019 was the latest D-Day for me as well.

And no, you don't have to explain the need for getting out of your house. If my WH had fucked any of his OWs in MY house, I would have burned it to the ground. If they'd done it in my bed, well, I won't go there in a public forum.

ramius posted 12/23/2020 23:43 PM

So she's holding on to the final bit of truth because it's more important to her that I don't know, even if we're divorced.

Well she can hold onto that truth, cuddle up with it, and let it keep her warm at night after you are gone. It seems to mean that much to her.

gr8ful posted 1/1/2021 12:33 PM

How did Christmas and New Yearís go Thumos?

Marz posted 1/1/2021 19:32 PM

Call me crazy, but in many ways my two year adventure was pretty ok. I also found out that I was not the used up old guy I thought. Itís pretty great coming out of a long period of self denial.

Iíve heard this many times. You always had it. You just forgot to use it.

Thumos posted 1/6/2021 10:06 AM

Not ignoring this thread. Just taking an extended brain break. Holidays were fine and not as triggering as I thought, although there were a few bad moments. I'm hunting hard for the right place to move, but still not sure about timing for when I want to move out or how that works from a family budgeting standpoint. Whole 30 before Xmas was a great idea. I lost 15 pounds, gained some of it back during Christmas and New Year's but am back on track this week and back in the gym.

Butforthegrace posted 1/20/2021 05:53 AM

Any updates?

This0is0Fine posted 1/29/2021 15:08 PM

Agreed on: "Any updates?"

Thumos, your PM box is full.

Thumos posted 2/2/2021 12:17 PM

Sorry about the delay in reply. I had a bout with COVID. I'm not one of those anti-maskers and have taken precautions the past year. I thought I would make it to the vaccine, but no such luck. I would say my case was "moderate." Had some minor lung congestion (though that is still sticking around a bit) and lost taste and smell (thankfully both have returned). My WW and son also got it, though my daughter has remained COVID free. I haven't had a lot of energy other than getting through the work day. I also felt the need to take a bit of a brain break from SI the week before I got COVID. As the bloggers say "posting will be light" here for a bit as I continue to recover. Mostly just tired, but also developed a bit of an eye issue in that my eyes are now dry and get red and irritated easily. Needless to say this has taken the wind out of my sails a bit and slowed any momentum I had toward divorce. I am still leaning toward sooner rather than later, but taking it a day at a time right now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:18 PM, February 2nd (Tuesday)]

WornDown posted 2/2/2021 13:17 PM

Hope you and your family recover from COVID quickly!

Lalagirl posted 2/3/2021 05:37 AM

Sorry to hear that you and most of your family contracted COVID, Thumos - wishing all of you a speedy recovery and that you're back to yourself soon!

DanielJK posted 2/3/2021 07:28 AM

Wishing you a speedy and full recovery.

This0is0Fine posted 2/12/2021 23:06 PM

Thumos, hope you are doing well.

thatbpguy posted 3/3/2021 15:24 PM

Thumos, miss your posts and hope you have recovered fully.

Thumos posted 3/9/2021 09:15 AM

I apologize for the delay in reply. COVID makes some of its victims quite tired, including me. After COVID, we then got socked in with the horrible Arctic blast, and my son was at home for nearly two weeks.

I am devoting my energy to some quietude during this Lent season.

I appreciate everyone's concern.

I did not have any significant lung issues, thank goodness, but I did experience overall body inflammation, loss of smell and a lot of fatigue, which continues. Smell is back. Important for a guy who likes to cook!

Something significant I hadn't disclosed before here to anyone on SI: I'd had a few ongoing conversations with a single woman in another part of the country. This began after my WW failed her polygraph and I went through the heart scare last year. At that point and throughout 2020, I was moving steadily and resolutely toward divorce.

We'd met initially through professional connections. I've met a lot of women the past four years where there's been a mutual attraction but I never acted on any of this.

I can't categorize this as an emotional affair because it never got off the ground floor and she made it clear that while she found me attractive, she would not engage in a relationship with a married man.

After I mostly recovered from COVID, I reached out to this woman, apologized for dragging her into my situation and told her I was not emotionally healthy and our (in fact, boring and run of the mill) conversations weren't appropriate. She agreed, and my WW knows.

My WW came to me after I told her and apologized for putting me in a position where I would feel vulnerable to potentially starting an extra marital relationship with another woman. I was stunned by this in a positive way, because I certainly did not think that was going to be her reaction.

Things are in a holding pattern for the time being.

I am not in therapy. I did therapy for a good long while and it was helpful in many ways, but I'm one of those people who thinks that talk therapy only gets you so far and becomes repetitive. And indeed, there's good empirical evidence now that talk therapy's efficacy only goes so far. It seems to be about as helpful as journaling, talking to close friends, or counseling with a priest. I'm not dismissing it, and I understand it can be quite helpful for many people. Just not me.

I am going through the Catholic initiation process, as is my wife. This is important to me as I was raised partially Catholic but never confirmed. It's complicated - I had been an agnostic as a young adult, and then I became a devout Christian in my 30s after becoming intellectually convinced through reading apologetics on my own. Catholicism's richness of liturgy, contemplative nature, intellectual depth, tradition and grounding call to me now.

The Catholic position on divorce is hardline in favor of remaining married, including when it comes to adultery. But you don't have to agree 100 percent with every single position of the Catholic Church in order to be a Catholic.

Some absolutists would maintain that, but I am and will remain an ecumenical Christian. As far as my faith goes as an ecumenical Christian in my acceptance and embrace of other branches of Christianity, I believe Jesus was quite clear on this issue, and when the time comes for me to be ready for divorce, I will act.

I'm not ready. I think if you're going to get divorce, you'd damn well better be ready emotionally, mentally and physically unless it is forced on you out of your hands. That's not the case with me. I have a choice. I don't feel prepared and I think putting myself in a situation in which I don't feel equipped would be a bad choice at this time.

I was certainly ready in the fall. I had begun looking for living arrangements, I had visited with an attorney to understand the process better, and I had started lining up what to do to put my things in storage etc.

I've shared repeatedly my concerns about my son. I still have those concerns. I think far too many nonchalantly dismiss the impact divorce has on kids or see people like me on the horns of a dilemma as using kids as an excuse.

I have been a very strong voice in JFO forums for BS's, especially BH's, to strongly consider divorce. I haven't changed my mind on that.

I believe I have also been as "agnostic" on this subject as I can and I certainly hope for reconciliation when it seems to make sense. Where I have recommended or advocated for divorce as a clear option, I have seen that a BS has older kids, usually adults or near-adults ... or where the WS is clearly unstable or cruel or just completely lost.

My WW is not in this category. I've discussed elsewhere on SI the many things she has done consistently for more than four years to show me her remorse. I've also catalogued the things she hasn't done. I don't need to lay all of that out again here. It's why I feel trapped on the horns of a dilemma.

Regardless, I'm tapping the brakes for now. I'm watching and listening carefully. I'm taking care of myself.

Today, I don't feel mentally or emotionally prepared to take on the rather daunting work of splitting up my family. I say "today," because my feelings can and probably will change. When I'm ready, I'll be ready.

But that's where I am right now. I am building up my reserves of emotional, mental and physical strength. I am taking care of myself, sleeping, exercising, losing weight and plugging back in more intentionally in my professional life.

And I am giving myself an emotional and mental rest from frequent posting on SI during this season. I read frequently, but for now I am trying to practice keeping my own counsel as a discipline.

[This message edited by Thumos at 9:32 AM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

This0is0Fine posted 3/9/2021 13:45 PM

Good to hear from you.

Glad you are recovering.

As a fellow BH that has resolved to D, even asked for one in writing with a long explanation, then changed his mind, I can't fault any of your choices. Just continue to do what you believe is best for your future.

If your wife is meeting your needs in R, that's great. I just hope you aren't entering another period of self-imposed limbo.

I'm not here to debate religion, or its value to people. Generally speaking, it could be great guidance. Just know that while on the one hand I shit on the unrestrained hedonism of my WW, on the other hand I'm not a huge proponent of self-denial. A great deal Christianity recommends taking a beating... until morale improves. :)

Thumos posted 3/9/2021 15:10 PM

Good call, TIF. And one I am indeed cognizant of.

I brought up my full Catholic confirmation in my update not to push my faith, but just so people would have context and know where my head and heart are.

And I would agree with you on Christianity. I think much of modern Christianity has failed to come to grips with rampant adultery and the PISD trauma it inflicts on betrayed spouses. Most of Christian resources seem to lean toward a rushed forgiveness process and then moving on (i.e. rugsweeping).

I wouldn't go so far as to say she's meeting my needs for a full reconciliation. The jury is very much out on that.

I do know her own conversion to Catholicism is genuine. When I say "tap the brakes" that's what I really mean. It remains to be seen how quickly I may put my foot on the accelerator again.

I recently read a forum in the Wayward section in which the WW told of bringing the AP into her marital home for unprotected sex.

As you know this was my own circumstance with my WW, and it haunts me terribly. The lack of respect and humiliation involved in this extra transgression -- on top of the gaslighting, the initial unfaithfulness, the length of time involved -- is hard to overstate.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:13 PM, March 9th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 3/9/2021 15:18 PM

I have been watching for you to come back. I don't usually talk in the divorced forum.

I want to say I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. I have sensed even when you were obviously feeling resolute on the issue that you were not ready. I think it's wise to give it time.

Doing the same over here. I am not in a rush to do something differently. When you know, you know, and when you don't you don't have to force an answer. Stay the course and get well soon.

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