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Xwh/mow getting M'd; I need advice.

Wiserallthetime posted 8/31/2020 16:33 PM

The wedding is soon, and I am not ok. Kids will be there and even in it - mostly as they feel pressured into it, and certainly not because they want to, though I know that is the image xwh and mow love it is projecting. Sigh. That said, I may end up being called to come rescue them, if an emergency of some sort occurs. (I am not even certain where it is happening, though it is at least somewhat local.)

*Side note: kids are all young adults or nearly so, but only one drives, and that one does not live nearby. Driving would be required to get to/from anything near here.

SO, for me - I am trying to decide what I should do while this tragic event occurs. I have the option of hanging by a pool at a very nice hotel not too far away (wouldn't stay the night, though would have a room thanks to freebies). I don't get to do this much. However, I am afraid I will just be breaking down into sobbing off and on.... (because the two of them getting M'd is bringing back the old "you're worthless, replaceable, going to be alone forever", thoughts of D.)
Other option is to stay home, having bought a fire pit, and spend the time burning all the old love letters between xwh and myself, and anything else I wish to burn while I am at it.... This I will eventually do at some point anyway, but just haven't gotten myself around to doing.

Both of these should allow for me to quickly stop what I am doing and go get my kids, if needed.

Anyone want to vote on one? Or suggest another? I need something to do to get me through the time.

devotedman posted 8/31/2020 16:40 PM

If you decide to burn stuff keep the hose near if the kids call.

If you go for hotel don't forget that they or guests might be staying there.

I'd go for the burning myself.

Don't feel badly. Both of them are marrying Confirmed cheaters. How happy is that?

Also , you're the prize. You didn't cheat.

[This message edited by devotedman at 6:01 PM, August 31st, 2020 (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 8/31/2020 17:07 PM

Why don’t you start a pool on how long the marriage lasts.

That should kill some time.

How about a good book by the fire pit?

StillLivin posted 8/31/2020 18:17 PM

I would stay home, make popcorn, and have it ready for when the drama unfolds. I'd also celebrate, but that's me. Sorry you're not finished healing yet. Hugs.

k8la posted 8/31/2020 18:23 PM

Personally, I would make the day about celebrating your own personal freedom and make sure NOTHING you do has to do with him, including burning memorabilia!

Because then you make him matter. And he's just not that significant to you anymore. He's not worth the effort. But the day is a day to celebrate it's not you he's deceiving anymore, and that there couldn't be a more worthy "victim" at his side. She deserves the man he's become with her, and he deserves her too.

Wickedness never has been, never will be a source of happiness. Just temporary pleasure, which they've already had. A marriage celebrating wickedness is a funeral of sorts.

So do nothing that has anything to remember him by - just a celebration of yourself, your freedom, and your children once they get through the ordeal.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/31/2020 19:27 PM

Can you plan a few days away with your kids? Like, the wedding is Sat, on Sunday thru Wed you and your kids drive somewhere fun, maybe camp at a nearby lake?

A change of scenery REALLY helps my kids.

messyleslie posted 9/1/2020 13:49 PM

Ditto k8la.

I wouldn’t do anything special. Do some self care land be prepared for feelings but the day may come and you might not feel like how you think it will. I know on my first dday I spent SO much time thinking about what to do and how I was going to cope and on the actual day I woke up, acknowledged the day and felt sad and then went about my business like a normal day. I think I might have gone and bought some make up or clothes to celebrate my survival and how awesome I was.

Make the day about you and how you have gotten through and how you will never be married to a cheater again.

Phoenix1 posted 9/1/2020 14:16 PM

I am afraid I will just be breaking down into sobbing off and on.... (because the two of them getting M'd is bringing back the old "you're worthless, replaceable, going to be alone forever", thoughts

I know this is easier said than done, and it certainly takes time, but you need to work on changing this narrative in your mind from a negative to a positive.

You are not worthless, you know what value you brought to the marriage. HE was the one that failed to see and appreciate that value.

And because he is incapable of seeing true value in anyone, he uses people until they cease to be of benefit to him. He used you, you were no longer beneficial to him (selfishness to the core), and he moved on to a new victim. He's going to treat her the same way. People are objects to him. Period.

Alone forever? Who knows. We all face that, but being alone is not a negative. I rather enjoy being alone. I make my own decisions about EVERYTHING, and don't have to compromise with anyone. Just remember that happiness comes from within, not through anyone else. You, and you alone, have the power to make yourself happy. Being in a nice relationship is just icing on what should already be a wonderful cake - nice, but not necessary.

Focus on yourself, continue the healing journey (it takes time, but also what you do with that time is important), and don't let his douchebaggery bring dark clouds into your life. Two broken, morally bankdrupt people hooking up legally is not something to envy or get sad over. Be happy he is no longer your problem!

FWIW, Xhole got married about a year and a half ago. Not really sure exactly when because he didn't tell anyone. Not even our kids. I was actually glad he found a new victim because that means his focus is on her, and not on me! He hasn't pestered me at all since the lovebirds formally joined in his 4th attempt at matrimony. I've got popcorn on standby...

Hang in there Wiser. It will get better.

Wiserallthetime posted 9/1/2020 21:59 PM

Thanks, all! A few things:

- the hotel is close enough to be available for an emergency but far enough away it is not likely any of the wedding party would be present there. (Plus, the wedding will be 50 people or less, from my understanding - I am betting on the "or less" part, as I am guessing very few folks remain in touch with these two.)

- due to kids' schedules, I can't really take off with them anywhere the following week, but maybe we can plan a special outing or two. Thanks for that idea.

- As far as not being healed or stuck in a negative: I have done very well these last couple years, but this has caused a backtrack of sorts. My marriage was over 25 years by the time the D was final, and the D itself took about 4 years; it shouldn't be surprising, I don't think, that, as it is only about 3 years from then, I'd stumble over this item. I am not down about being down, if that makes sense; I think it is to be expected, actually. It's my fault for thinking it wouldn't hit me this way.

- I'm not looking for a new relationship. I have enjoyed being single, to a degree - much better than being with that lying, drug-addicted, cheater; it is seeing my parents age, together, that makes me feel alone at times. It would be nice to have someone to go do stuff with, and someone who will be there to help if/when my health fails due to getting old, ya know? Still, I think I have too much baggage (trust issues, mainly) to unload before I could take on a relationship - if I ever decide to try for one. I'm certainly not in a rush to go there, as, for now, I am working on myself and trying to provide for my kids' needs and enjoying their company.


I appreciate the thoughts from each of you on this! I'll be considering it all as I decide.

Bigger posted 9/2/2020 06:47 AM

I would do something that should totally be in line with what you should emotionally be doing:

The evening before the marriage go to an Indian restaurant (or order in) and get a really spicy Vindaloo or Madras Curry. Eat as much as you possibly can and then some more. Chase it down with plenty of cheap red or a few beers.

Next day – at approximately the time your ex and his OW are walking towards the altar – go to the bathroom and get rid of that short-term enjoyment the meal offered but the long-term irritation it’s been giving your bowels for the last few hours…
Literally leave the issue behind…

Follow up with some dirty but necessary paperwork before flushing your past away – while vowing never again to fall for spicy and exotic temptations.

[This message edited by Bigger at 6:48 AM, September 2nd (Wednesday)]

Wiserallthetime posted 9/9/2020 18:49 PM

Update:

Wedding is over (little changed after, save some legal paperwork getting done, likely), and it was rough. In the end, the one kid that had any desire to be at the thing (to support dad, not the marriage), ended up not going to the actual ceremony, as few to no precautions for the virus were present in the rehearsal. Xwh was said to be saddened by that, but at least indicated to the kid an understanding - not without first trying to manipulate/coerce the child to go anyway. Mow was worse, both trying to manipulate the child into still going and then basically accusing the child of lying, indicating mow thought I had gotten the child to decide not to go. Nope, I let the kid make the decision and then just helped the kid keep to it. (I am sure mow took to social media to blast me for making it be that one kid backed out like that....mow is like that.)
Child learned something, though. Child had thought mow was "ok" though was simply tolerating her. Child now knows this is how mow behaves, as I let the kid knows this is what mow does to people - she lies and exaggerates and denigrates to manipulate people when they don't follow/agree with her choices; I warned the child mow moves on to telling others these lies and exaggerations in order to gain the pity for her seeming the victim and her target the villain, when the opposite is much more true.

As for me, I chose to go to the hotel for a few hours the rehearsal night and treat myself to a steak dinner as well. I did not really sleep the night between, crying off and on, not just for me, but for my kid(s), due to all the circumstances, including the difficult choice on the one kid. (Other two are not ones to stand up for selves against xwh, fearing the repercussions.) My crying for me had a lot to do with the finality of xwh completing his discard of me; as xwh actually told child, "it was a closing of a chapter in his life" (and mine) - for him, he got the beginning of another chapter WITH another, but I am alone, and may always be (somewhat choice at this point, but brought on by the A/D, as my ability to trust, with any real intimacy, is gone). I had planned to go back to the hotel the next day, but child's decision changed that, and we spent the day together instead.

As is the thing to do here, mow gave the kids gifts for participating in the wedding. As part of it, there was an item that celebrated the new legal relationship between mow and the kids, as though it was a real tender, loving one. This is both amusing and irritating. It is amusing mow seems to think my kids have or even want that kind of relationship in reality with her that would make this gift endearing to them; it is irritating she seems to think she has successfully totally replaced me now, as has seemed to be her goal from the start of when she decided it was time to convince xwh to leave me. (I don't want to be too specific on what the item is or how it celebrated the relationship; you will have to trust me that there is a lot that was done during the D and prior as well as in this gift that shows this to be true - and others who do know these details agree with me on it.)

At least the wedding is over, and I can go back to ignoring that mow exists and just being annoyed xwh does. (But,I do still have to wait out the self-quarantine time with my kids, praying neither they nor I get sick, thanks to the lack of precautions taken and enforced by xwh/mow. Sigh.)


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