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Why wasnít I worth encouraging

Pages: 1 · 2

Gottagetthrough posted 9/11/2020 08:38 AM

WHís 2nd affair was an EA

he worked with that ow

He would encourage her (youíre good at your job, I need your help, what would I do without you)

Why was I not worth that encouragement

I would like a husband who tells me youíre smart, ho back to school, what would I do without you?

NorCalLost posted 9/11/2020 12:49 PM

You WERE worth the encouragement. He was just too self-absorbed to give it to you. (((Hugs)))

Cheaters trying to get into someone's pants are naturally going to put on a show to get into said pants. They're not going to say anything that's NOT encouraging or flattering.

My cheating ex actually said things to prospective OW that he'd heard from ME! I once tried to build him up saying that I was on "Team Cheating Ex."
In one of the texts I intercepted that he'd sent to some woman he wanted to screw, he told her that he was on "Team Woman He Wanted to Screw."

So he used my endearments and my compliments, because he couldn't think of anything original on his own. Or because, in six years, I'd been so good to him and said so many such things to him, that it was ingrained and came out naturally when he was trying to flatter a prospective OW.

newlife03 posted 9/11/2020 14:04 PM

You are MOST DEFINITELY WORTH IT!! He was too blind and lost in his own selfish world to see it, and it's his loss if he can't see it.

ZenMumWalking posted 9/11/2020 14:13 PM

gotta - you know his A's had nothing - repeat NOTHING - to do with you. Quit trying to make this about you, it's just not.

What would you say to a friend of yours in your position? Would you try to find a reason that she wasn't worth it? Didn't think so.

Be your own best friend.

((((gotta))))

Gottagetthrough posted 9/11/2020 15:01 PM

You guys say itís not about me.. but it is. I wasnít as available sexually as ow1. I wasnít as good a listener and someone to empathize with him as ow 2.

I just cant do this again. I canít date and marry again. Itís too exhausting. Iím realizing Iíll never know love. I will never have been in love with someone who actually loved me. Iíll die old and alone.

ZenMumWalking posted 9/11/2020 15:57 PM

You guys say itís not about me.. but it is.

This is your depressed brain exhibiting distorted thinking. You cannot trust this - and BELIEVE ME I know. I was you. All that plus more.

I was suicidal for years. Spent 4 weeks in a psych ward one time and 6 weeks another time (2 months later). The only thing that kept me alive was meds, so I could work on that distorted thinking, and SI.

I wasnít as available sexually as ow1. I wasnít as good a listener and someone to empathize with him as ow 2.

Doesn't fucking matter. He's an immature, selfish pig with poor coping skills. THAT has nothing to do with you. These OW are just escapes for him, where he doesn't have any responsibilities. Don't listen to his flimsy excuses for why he escaped with them.

I just cant do this again. I canít date and marry again. Itís too exhausting. Iím realizing Iíll never know love. I will never have been in love with someone who actually loved me. Iíll die old and alone.

Pity, party of 1??

But seriously folks..... Again, your thinking is distorted. You won't be able to see that things CAN be different, better, until you recover from this.

It will help if you stop thinking about what you wish your future will hold, let go of the shitshow that your M has become, and focus on dealing with the D and being a great mom to your children. That's really all that matters.

Are you on ADs? I think that they could help you to recover. They can give you enough of a lift (support) until you are better able to heal yourself.

Don't trust what your brain is telling you. Trust me. Trust ME.

((((gotta))))

DevastatedDee posted 9/11/2020 16:17 PM

I just cant do this again. I canít date and marry again. Itís too exhausting. Iím realizing Iíll never know love. I will never have been in love with someone who actually loved me. Iíll die old and alone.

It's absolutely okay to be too exhausted to date for a while. Hell, I'm 2+ years out and I'm still too exhausted to date, lol. I haven't had my fill of the peace of just being with me yet. I can't even get upset about potentially dying old and alone. That sounds all right with me at the moment.

Seriously though, this future-casting doesn't mean much right now. I had those thoughts too. Your life can change in a second. I guess we all know that, huh? What's true today won't be true in a year. Right now you're in a lot of pain and feeling rejected and unlovable. You aren't unlovable. Your future could hold a thousand different things. For now, don't worry about future relationships. Just be good to yourself and take care of you.

nekonamida posted 9/11/2020 17:06 PM

Zen is right. These are the lies we tell ourselves when we're depressed and they don't even make sense! You have kids to be at your death bed. You have friends. You have other family members. And you will gain more in the future. You will only be alone if you choose to be alone.

Gottagetthrough posted 9/11/2020 17:17 PM

Pity, party of 1

This seriously made me laugh. Thank you

I feel better now. Had a cry and watched a movie with my middle child. Ugh!!!! This sucks but you all are right in that I will not always feel like this.

tushnurse posted 9/11/2020 19:15 PM

Seriously STOP this negative shit immediately.

You were away from his toxic crap over the summer. You sounded healthier and stronger than you had been in years.

Keep pushing forward. Separate your life from his. You know that you can be happy and complete with out his BS.

YOU NEED TO HAVE A RA WITH YOURSELF NOW!!!

The1stWife posted 9/12/2020 07:31 AM

You donít understand itís not because the AP was ď betterĒ.

Itís b/c the cheating spouse was not!

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:14 PM, September 12th (Saturday)]

aprilfool1985 posted 9/12/2020 10:25 AM

Gotta, your WH has provided much evidence that he thinks of you as a support person in his life.

You have provided emotional support, logistical support, and even shelter. He viewed this as your ďjobĒ because he married you. In his mind, you shouldnít need encouragement to do your ďjob.Ē Now he is enraged that you want out.

crazyblindsided posted 9/12/2020 11:27 AM

You have provided emotional support, logistical support, and even shelter. He viewed this as your ďjobĒ because he married you. In his mind, you shouldnít need encouragement to do your ďjob.Ē Now he is enraged that you want out.

Yep agree with this. I felt like I was his mother. There to support him, listen to him whining constantly, and then of course being the punching bag. I got tired of that job.

Gotta they are messed up human beings who took us for granted. Itís time to be your own advocate and encourage yourself. If your WS is anything like mine, they encourage others to get something out of it we encourage others because we care about helping. I wouldnít look at it any other way except that they do it for selfish reasons.

Gottagetthrough posted 9/12/2020 13:20 PM

Thank you guys. You are right (again). He is selfish and only used the ows, much like he uses me. Itís so damn hard for my heart to get that. My brain understands, but damnit, my feelings are HURT.

The admission that he cheated on ow 1 with 5 women in a year is proof. She was not better.

This second ow is TOUGH. He had a sexual affair in 2009-2010 and Then an emotional affair 2019-2020. So basically i feel like I suck at sex and Now my personality sucks. I know I need to get past this. I have therapy Monday and will be going over this. But itís TOUGH to get over it.

Onward and upward (with many steps back)

Anna123 posted 9/12/2020 19:28 PM

Thank you guys. You are right (again). He is selfish and only used the ows, much like he uses me. Itís so damn hard for my heart to get that. My brain understands, but damnit, my feelings are HURT.

This is the process. The sad, heartfelt thoughts pop in out of literally nowhere, and then it is your job, when you are up to it, to talk the rational self talk reminding yourself of what a looser he is. The times you are not up to it, go ahead and have a cry and let it out.

One thing I can promise you, if you let yourself work through this and heal by building your emotional self reliance without transferring your dependence to another man, within the next year or two you will be:

Devastated Dee:
I just cant do this again. I canít date and marry again. Itís too exhausting. Iím realizing Iíll never know love. I will never have been in love with someone who actually loved me. Iíll die old and alone.

It's absolutely okay to be too exhausted to date for a while. Hell, I'm 2+ years out and I'm still too exhausted to date, lol. I haven't had my fill of the peace of just being with me yet. I can't even get upset about potentially dying old and alone. That sounds all right with me at the moment.

I just don't care that I may not run across Mr. right either. That could very well be the best outcome. Still open, loving dating, but happy when I walk into my very own home after a date or visiting with friends, and either hang all by myself or with my son. Being free of infidelity, no matter what the outcome after, is very liberating.

You will get through this. Enjoy the times watching movies with your children! They are precious times to enjoy in between the sobbing sessions:)

Chili posted 9/12/2020 20:09 PM

Glad you had a good cry Gotta. That negative loop that plays in your head can really do a number, can't it?

Just remember:

Getting rid of a piece of shit does not = never knowing love and dying alone

But if you don't do the first, you'll never have a chance at the 2nd part of that equation. Or you'll never really be the kind of healthy that embraces the love that comes from family, friends, or any kind of companion. (I'm big on the idea of a "commune" these days myself).

One thing that helped me was to break my life down into chunks. First things first was untangling my life from his and work hard to preserve my health and sanity during that process.

Then the nexts can come.

Adlham posted 9/12/2020 21:32 PM

Oh, Gotta...sweet, beautiful you...

You weren't bad at sex.

He was.

6 different women, plus a wife? That's so he didn't have to up his game or use his imagination to woo *you.*

He obviously didn't make any effort for anyone but himself.

I "dated" myself for a good 3 years. That was the longest I had ever been single.

It was the best thing I ever did.

Much love to you. Your heart will catch up someday.

LostInTheDesert posted 9/14/2020 00:42 AM

The sort of person who has an affair only encourages others when there is something in it for the cheater. They do not offer selfless praise. You were just taken for granted. Cheaters do that.

Lostanddrowning posted 9/14/2020 21:14 PM

I know your pain, I'm in your boat right now. Im slowly learning I am, but its a journey and a daily struggle. Keep your chin up, its just our hurt and depressed brains. Much love

99problems posted 9/15/2020 03:40 AM

Gotta-
I guarantee you were 100 times a better wife than mine was.
I wish I'd married someone like you, who understood loyalty, faithfulness, and commitment.
But neither of us did.
So now it's up to us to figure out why. And we can do this!!
With a lot of work(didn't we already put a lot of work into our lost causes?) we can find people who have our same values and our love for our lives, our children, and everything else.
There is a bright future out there for us. As long as we can believe in it.
All the power and healing to you. :)

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