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In house separation

yellowledbetter posted 9/23/2020 15:17 PM

I believe my H and I need to separate. I canít do another day like today, and so many other days over the past 2 years that have brought me to my knees. Problem is, we have no family here and the only friends that we would consider staying with and confiding in are in the process of moving themselves. So thatís out. A second place is just not an option financially where we live, especially during this pandemic.

Tell me what an in house separation looks like? We do have a 16 yr old son who needs stability in his life, so heís the top priority. Heís dealt with enough shit as a result of his screwed up parents.

I just donít know what to do...but something has to give.

For those of you who have done IHS, give me the good, bad and ugly. I canít even imagine where to even start.

Thanks 🙏

maise posted 9/23/2020 15:26 PM

Agh. I had a tough day today in my in-house separation arrangement. Had to do with my WS getting stressed with work. Iíve been stressed to my ears for months and to work thru triggers and her lack of emotional support on top of it has been quite a lot. Iíve done better, Iíve learned to lean into me more when I have triggers. I know sheís here but she also canít help me with my emotions no matter how much they have to do with things sheís done. Today though, she tried to express her stress to me and complain and vent and took it out on the kids and I just exploded. I told her I didnít give two shits about her stress - to take it to someone else bc Im dealing with my own stress AND triggers she put there. Iím tired of her thinking I can carry her emotional crap and told her itís not only not my responsibility but she canít rake it out on us. We dealt with years of tip-toeing around her emotional bullshit.

She apologized and subsided. But thatís just I dunno... a peak into some of the struggles of in-home separation for me. It helps in regards to bills and the kids...especially bc theyíre online learning, but gosh emotionally? Yeah no. It doesnít help there bc at the end of the day her patterns are still the same. So the struggle is the detaching needed and the knowing that the triggers will still rear their ugly head - and the person thatís responsible for putting them there still wonít be able to help you, and is still THERE. So you wanna rip their head off bc damnit!! But you canít. You have to let them continue about their day and learn to help yourself without them no matter how much you seethe when they come near you.

Itís a process! I will say Iíve come a long way and itís gotten better but it wasnít bc of her, itís all been because of me and my own processing and work with myself and my healing.

baconeggs posted 9/23/2020 16:48 PM

Its hard, at times I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I see ww and and I am pissed and to be honest I have zero respect for her. I suppose it is living with a flatmate that you dont really want to live with.

I need to keep the peace as I have two kids and to be honest I think it is good for them to see us 'getting along'.

I do spend a lot of time in my room or she in hers so in a way we avoid each other. We do sit down at dinners with the kids as a family but it feels fake to me.

I have also starteed dating (I did ask her about not dating before either we sell the house or new year, she wanted to date) mainly to get my confidence up again (mine was blown out of the water when I found out about her affair). I dont tell her I am going on a date, I just go out, and if she asks I say I am going out with mates

So in a nut shell, it sucks but it can be done. Buts something you dont want to do for a long time mainly for your own mental health.

good luck

crazyblindsided posted 9/23/2020 18:33 PM

My IHS was complete hell. He would say things that upset me and then turn around and start lovebombing next I felt like I was a yo-yo for a year. My emotions were very unstable and the mood in the house was palpable. Now that I have moved out it feels so peaceful. I wouldn't recommend doing it but understand if you have to.

barcher144 posted 9/23/2020 18:41 PM

My IHS separation went pretty well, I thought, although STBXW went to court and had me removed from the house.

Here's what I did... I put together a parenting schedule as if we were divorced. I wanted 50% custody, so we went with a 5-2-2-5 schedule. I got the kids on Mondays and Tuesdays; she got them on Wednesdays and Thursdays; and then we alternated Friday-Sunday.

On my nights, I stayed home and took care of the kids. When it wasn't my night, I got out of the house. This was pre-pandemic, so it was easier. I also was dating someone by then, so I just stayed at her house to get away.

The best part was that my STBXW took my cue and she left the house on my nights too. We hardly ever saw each other and it worked great.

ZenMumWalking posted 9/23/2020 18:57 PM

IHS is its own special hell. If it's unavoidable, communicate your expectations to each other. If H is an asshole, you've got a tough road ahead.

LadyG posted 9/23/2020 21:18 PM

We did IHS On and Off from November 2017 to 2018 And permanent IHS till June 2019 when I moved out.

The only thing that got me through was that I had an end date. I used that time to plan my exit from the marriage.

(Stbxwh started his exit affair some time in 2018) he made sure it was a living hell for me. I tried to ignore him and pretend that I was unaware of the affair. I was relieved when he wasnít speaking to me and out playing around. WH was abusive and hostile the entire time and increasingly there after.

Set a time frame to end the arrangement, this may make it bearable for you.

Sickwithgrief posted 9/24/2020 06:25 AM

We are doing this now, have been for over a year, and I would not wish this on anybody. How the h* am I supposed to do any healing work while watching him fake his recovery. I have to remain detached and say nothing.

I have to physically watch him do what he does, see the gaslights, while lying to me with an innocent face. I have to remain detached and say nothing.

I can't say the wrong thing lest the "victim" or whatever other hoover starts again. I have to remain detached and say nothing.

If there were any way to physically separate from this man, reconciliation would have stood a far better chance. To him, he doesn't have to do a damned thing because I'm still here and that's what he wants.

It's done nothing but breed resentment.

I'm sorry, I wish I could say something positive. I think it's all been exacerbated by covid as well.

Now I'm going to think about what I think would have helped avoid unpleasantness. I'd like to write a post with suggestions about what I believe is helpful based on my experience instead of doom and gloom. It might not be like that for you.

Justsomeguy posted 9/24/2020 08:19 AM

We did nesting, where our daughters stayed in the marital home and we switched each week. I stayed with my sister kin another town and lived out of my car, sometimes in it. It was difficult but do-able.

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