1. He won't go to IC until "he's ready". Nor will he join the recovery program offered to him (he's a recovering opiate and heroin addict).
Well, IC will work only if he's committed to changing.
Is he using? If so, I wouldn't hold onto much hope. Addiction is a far bigger problem than cheating, and it's harder to solve.
I strongly recommend making IC a requirement for R. That sounds controlling, but it's not - by making it a requirement, you're giving him a free choice between ending the relationship and changing. He gets to choose.
2. He has severe adhd and will only read snippets of information I feed him about infidelity and healing but not whole articles. Nor will he look for information himself.
That sounds like 'severe untreated ADHD.'
Again, I'd require him to get treated and to keep experimenting until he finds an effective treatment. That means a good psychiatrist. I say that as an ADDer myself. I can be a PITA to live with because of my ADD. My brother is ADHD, and he was a super PITA to live with.
Ordinarily - I guess it's true now, too - you get to choose to accept your WS's ADHD or not. The reason that I lean towards requiring treatment is that I believe the ADHD feeds into his addictions, and vice versa. IOW, treating the ADHD is likely to help with his addiction.
It's said that stimulants are not addictive for AD(H)Ders. I took Adderall XR (long-acting) for several years, and the way I realized I skipped a dose was that I'd be ravenous around 2-3 PM. When I had to stop, the extra appetite subsided in a couple of days.
With the opioid addiction, I imagine a doc might be reluctant to try a stimulant. My doc prescribes amantadine which deals with the some of the same brain chemistry that stimulants do without the side effects of the stimulant high.
3. I feel like he's not trying to fully understand the severety of what he's done by cheating. He understands it was a bad thing he did, but not to the degree the hurt he caused.
Gently, your pain is yours to deal with. He can't - all he can do is learn/change to minimize any additional pain he may cause.
IMO, cheating hurts the cheater, and it's up to the cheater to deal with that pain. It's in him, due to his own internal issues. His cheating is all about him, not about you.
That means R works best when the WS focuses on healing the WS. For r to be successful, the WS needs to change from betrayer to good partner for the WS's sake.
In R, BS heals BS. WS heals WS. Together they heal/build/rebuild the M.
That may sound cold, but it's actually empowering. You can heal whether your WS does or not and whether you R or not. Your WS can heal whether you do or not.
*****
In your case, a way to rugsweep would be to not hold your WS or yourself to account for your healing or to not accept that you can't R with an addict who is actively in the addiction - either by using or by white-knuckling (depending on will power alone to keep from using).
*****
Looking into co-dependence and the Drama Triangle may give you insight into your behavior vis a vis your WS.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:39 PM, September 30th (Wednesday)]