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Seeing my stbxh tomorrow, how to handle it?

NeverEnough28 posted 10/15/2020 12:46 PM

Part of the stipulations agreement is, he gives me back my paid off car and takes the vechile im currently driving and refinances it in his name only. So of course now that it's agreed and filed we are meeting up tomorrow to trade cars. I have not seen him since May and he only communicates through email.

I desperately don't want to break down in front of him when we do this. I know my heart is going to be racing, I know I'm going to be emotional. This truly is probably the last time I'll ever see him.

How do I handle this? Apart of me wants to look my best and be nonchalant about it, just do a business transaction and act like he's a stranger. I have zero expectations from him, I know he will treat it that way because that's how he has seen me for months, a business transaction.

Any tips from people who have been in this situation. What did you do to get through it and stay intact as much as possible? I don't want this interaction to set me back.

Idiotmcstupid posted 10/15/2020 13:11 PM

Say as little as possible. Don't respond if he tries to emotionally bait you.
Go get some exercise before you have to do it. I know that sounds weird, but it will help regulate your adrenaline. It really helps me.

Chili posted 10/15/2020 13:15 PM

Hey NeverEnough28:

I remember my last in-person exchange of property with assclown like it was yesterday. It was also one of the most difficult moments of that whole ordeal.

We met in a parking lot too and here's some things that really helped me. (Most of it was focused on keeping my power with me and not giving any to him.)

I adopted a really overly confident - having to meet this person who is so beneath me - attitude before I got there. He mattered not. He was lower than the gunk on the bottom of my shoe.

When I pulled in and saw him I just said out loud - oh look - there's assclown. What an idiot. He even looks like an idiot.

It was all business. I refused to let him see my emotions. He didn't deserve them. He wasn't going to get them.

As I figured before getting there, he was going to try and spew all sorts of stuff at me. Pity party - ugliness. And he did. And I remember a few of the things that he said, but most I forgot. Because as he stomped around back and forth with boxes and stuff I kept hearing everything he was saying like he was wearing a snorkel and it sounded like "Whaavaaazeeelalalruhruh" (Another member gave me this hint right after Dday).

I also kept silently laughing at him behind his back. I refused to take him seriously - instead I preferred to view him as a toddler stomping around. I said very few words about anything and just stood there watching him make a fool of himself for the most part.

I pictured all of my strong SI friends right behind me standing there in line - getting my back.

I did look my best too - it added to my confidence for sure.

For me all of it didn't take very long but I kept saying to myself hold on - you can let all this go when you drive away. Actually I think I just went up the road and parked someplace else and felt everything I needed to feel then.

I don't know if any of those ideas will work for you, but I'm feeling you. You got this. Don't let him in if you feel like you need to protect yourself. And please be sure to give us an update when it's over. We'll all be cheering for you.

EllieKMAS posted 10/15/2020 14:34 PM

Last time I saw mine (and truly will probably be the last time in this lifetime) was the day we filed for divorce. The Ellie that exists now would strap on my sparkly bitch boots and be a total badass. I didn't do that sadly...

What I DID do was to keep my sunglasses on (yes at the window for the county clerk too) so I could avoid eye contact, answered only pertinent questions with as few words as possible, and not cry til after he was out of sight. It's okay to be a total mess, just try not to let him see if you can help it - trust me, you'll feel better a year down the road if you can badass this interaction.

(((NE28))) Just take some deep breaths and look at this as just logistical cleanup in a business arrangement as much as you can.

Idiotmcstupid posted 10/15/2020 16:33 PM

I also wear sunglasses when contact is necessary (tomorrow, if she decides to come out of the house like she did last time).
They are my shield. I leave the sword at home (joke).

Hippo16 posted 10/15/2020 20:55 PM

There is a common term assigned to people who do not interact with the rest of civilized people in a decent manner. For example - people who bang their car door into yours in parking lots.

We call them Jerks. Someone with a degree in the psychology area can likely be more definitive regarding what your stxjwWH is.

I think the die was cast when he met the kisser while in training class.

The events leading up to your 48 hour mini-vacation in a special hotel was the opportunity to throw you off the cliff. I'm pretty sure this was on his mind for some time and he was waiting in order to minimize his losses (pension) - so you were always or certainly became just a burden to his vision of life long term.

You are nothing to him so don't waste any emotions on him.

Dress your best (and sunglasses!) keep the conversation to strictly exchange of vehicles.

You will be proud of yourself.

Also - I hope your 18 years old cat is still doing ok. I just had a funeral for one of mine 19 1/2 years old. Next day another funeral for one 11 1/2 years old.

BentandBroken posted 10/16/2020 08:32 AM

Oh yeah. Been there.

My goal was to look and act like the confident woman he fell in love with and not let him catch a glimpse of the quivering mess of a wreck I actually was.

I took my best friend with me. xWH has known her as long as I have - 25 plus years - she's not threatening to him but firmly supportive to me.

Maintained a positive business attitude, but not overly friendly.

Took 1/2 Xanax before going.

Good luck. Remember you can only control your behavior, not his. You may not walk away pleased with the encounter itself, but you'll want to be pleased with how you handled it.

josiep posted 10/16/2020 09:19 AM

It's close enough to Halloween that you could wear a costume mask so he can't see your face or your eyes.

And, of course, with COVID, you can wear your mask and sunglasses and just grit your teeth and maybe even put a nasty tasting candy in your mouth to remind you of what a jackass he is and how little he deserves anything from you.

I would listen to podcasts all the way there. You could even make the exchange with headphones/earbuds in. Or, be on the phone with someone.

Take someone with you.

Do not speak to him at all. Do not allow him to engage you in any conversation. Send him an email ahead of time laying out exactly what will happen. We'll hand each other titles and keys.

If he has a bunch of crap in the car that he wants to transfer, drive away and tell him you'll be back in 30 min. so he can get his belongings out.

Just a bunch of stuff off the top of my head. You'll be fine and you know we're all sending you strength and peace.

josiep posted 10/16/2020 09:22 AM

P.S. I don't personally believe an interaction can set you back. I think if you have a reaction that you don't like, it's simply an indication that you are still healing. And that's OK. It's absolutely, 100% OK.

Let us know how it goes. I'm guessing you'll look at him and wonder what you ever saw in him and leave feeling relieved and free.

NeverEnough28 posted 10/16/2020 17:23 PM

So update. Of course nothing ever goes to plan.

I got an email from jerk face this afternoon saying my car had started over heating and he had it at the shop. Que me slightly frazzled but handled it well. He actually called me and I was calm and understanding.

A $430 dollar bill later my car is fixed. He even paid $100 of it which I was surprised by but I did not show gratitude or say thank you, after all this is a business transaction. We communicated briefly and only about the vehicles. I looked my best and didn't even have any urge to cry seeing him not do I after the encounter. I just kept thinking about how much of a jerk he's been. I walked away looking cute and unphased by hes presences.

I will say I still feel like the better person because I was nice enough to put gas in his car and he left mine on empty but bigger picture I guess.

Chili posted 10/16/2020 20:17 PM

Good Going NeverEnough28!

One more thing off the list.

I hope you've got something planned to spoil yourself a little bit this weekend.

BearlyBreathing posted 10/16/2020 23:06 PM

Well done. And itís great that you kind of got this visit over with. And now you know what to expect and wonít have to fear this anymore. Congratulations.

BentandBroken posted 10/17/2020 07:04 AM

Kudos! You did a hard thing with strength and grace. You are moving forward in your healing by taking control. That's a good day!

JadedByItAll posted 10/17/2020 23:44 PM

A $430 dollar bill later my car is fixed. He even paid $100 of it

I'm sorry, but maybe I'm not understanding something. If the car was in his possession when it overheated, and he has been using it all this time, and he was the one who decided to take it to the shop, shouldn't he pay the entire bill?

The1stWife posted 10/18/2020 05:42 AM

Will this be the last time you physically have to see him?


Justsomeguy posted 10/18/2020 11:06 AM

I've had to meet my STBXWW a few times in a restaurant to discuss financials. I keep it brief and I am iceman during the meeting. Joe Friday, just the facts ma'am, just the facts. It helps me get through it.

Funny thing, my STBXWW unloads on me emotionally during the meeting, insisting I know about how hard life is for her. I think she is still confusing me with someone who gives a fuck.

Still, it's a good way to get some juicy info without giving anything up. As Polonius said, "Give every man thine ear, but few they tongue..."

NeverEnough28 posted 10/18/2020 11:47 AM

We had already signed the stipulation to trade cars. His lawyer told him he wasn't responsible and my lawyer of course didn't respond in time. I thought he should also be responsible for it but without legal counsel from my lawyer and the stipulation signed I was afraid to refuse to switch cars or try to make him pay of it would potentially be contempt or affect something. Its a small price to pay to officially never have to see him in person again.

Ratpicker posted 10/18/2020 12:56 PM

NeverEnough - with that loose end tied up you should change your name to AlwaysEnough! You did well to get that behind you, even if it did cost some dollars.

This is the type of stuff that I wish more family law attorneys would be more careful wording agreements. So for others who might find themselves in this situation - the wording should say that the vehicles will be in working order at the exchange. I mean what if an X has blown the engine running it without oil? That would really cost some bucks!!! There are jerks out there who would do that on purpose.

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