I came into this forum around February I’d guess. It was around the time I saw my old divorce attorney.
I’d post and people would give advice on divorce, and at first I thought, “I’m not really getting divorced. Wh will turn around, he won’t want to lose me. “
But he didn’t and I kept posting here. And there was a reason why. Subconsciously I’ve wanted to leave for a while. Probably ATLEAST since November 27 when Dday 2 happened.
I’ve thought long and hard. I do not want to reconcile. I do not want to put in the time and effort. WH never will put in the time and effort. I absolutely love him when he’s on his meds and being the funny smart guy I know. But that’s about 25% of the time now.
The other 75% he gets a “look” in his eye and will call me names, yell at me, tell me how stupid and fat and ugly I am. He will make fun of my mother, who is an amazing woman and has only helped us, if I ever bring up the fact that his mom was friends with OW1 and invited her to her home and told her that I wasn’t worth her getting upset over, and told me AFTER the affair was over that ow was a great woman with a fantastic career (I’m a SAHM)
There is too much hurt that he won’t address. He lost his job because of OW2. Don’t tell me it was an manic episode, you don’t quit and have a huge thing at work because of a “friend”... what happened was the end of an affair .be it an emotional affair, it was an AFFAIR
I called yesterday to get an appointment for anti depressants and to see my therapist. Hoping in the new year we can work on getting me over my fears of leaving (I’m sure being called fat and having him say how EVERYTHING I do is stupid for 20 years hasn’t been good for my self esteem)
Stupid things I’ve done:
Cloth diaper
Breast feed
Going to see friends far away (you’re driving 2 hours to see her? That’s so stupid!)
Grad school (you want a PhD? That’s stupid! You don’t need a piece of paper, you can just by books and read them. Ok.. go to class and have someone else tell you what to think after you read a book)
Homeschooling
Having my kids in sports that require lots of commitment (that the kids want to do)
I don’t think any of these are stupid. These are interests. We just don’t see eye to eye on anything and I want to have a family that focuses on raising great kids. He wants a narcissistic feed.
I told him yesterday that the kids and i are going to see my family for thanksgiving, then I added, and Christmas too. He asked if he could come. I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea
[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:37 AM, October 24th (Saturday)]