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Zaksmummy posted 10/26/2020 13:45 PM

Hi all,

My STBXH left me and our son for OW 10 or 11 times in total. I really lost count as he kept coming back to reconcile then carrying on. Eventually I said enough. But now heís sending me e mails, that he misses us. Honestly Iím just at breaking point with it all. I donít know how much more I can take. I just feel like he keeps pulling me back in and so I never can progress. Iím ignoring him but have to keep channels open for DS.

Looking for support. Thanks

crazyblindsided posted 10/26/2020 13:57 PM

Ignore everything unless it is in regards to the kids or finances. My STBX also tried the lovebombing and it made me really anxious. Now he is full on angry and blaming me for leaving since I didn't fall for the lovebombing. Just keep NC as much as you can. It is tough but don't fall for the words he's done more than enough to justify your reason for leaving.

squid posted 10/26/2020 13:59 PM

Have you started the divorce process?

He's going to continue to love bomb you, pull you back in, then abuse you again.

This is his pattern. It will get better when the divorce process is over and official.

Tell him to only communicate with you about logistics regarding DS and the divorce. Like specifically tell him that the subject line of all of his emails need to specify what the email is about or you won't read it.

He's going to likely ramp up this behavior. It's textbook manipulation. Don't fall for it.

Keep reminding yourself of who he really is. Then act accordingly.

Stay strong. You've got this.

Zaksmummy posted 10/26/2020 14:36 PM

Thank you for your replies.

I have started divorce process but only just as I was SAHM and I didnít have any money and the solicitor wanted an amount up front. He was being difficult about it and as I didnít have access to our bank account I couldnít make the payment Anyway, I got access and Iíve made the payment now so like I say early days.

Iím just really finding it difficult to move forward, thanks, Iím glad SI is here for the support

Lionne posted 10/26/2020 15:12 PM

Of course it's difficult! It's a horrible place to be. But this guy has abused you forever and continues to try. You really don't want that kind of example for your children to observe.

How to get through it? Well, adopt the 12 step attitude of "one day at a time." Plan something every day for yourself even if it's as simple as a candle lit bubble bath, a walk in nature, a serving of the good chocolate. Allow yourself to grieve, but try to offset that with some kind of selfcare.

It's important to keep yourself hydrated, and to eat high quality foods, even if it's just a little bit at a time.

And google "the abuse cycle" and the "trauma bond" It will help you understand why you have kept letting it happen. It's not your fault, it's behavior learned as self protection.

Sending you virtual ((((((hugs)))))

LadyG posted 10/26/2020 15:33 PM

In these awful uncertain times Divorce can seem like itís all too hard.

I have at times in moments of weakness and doubt wanted my family back under the same roof.

My children are all adults and living separately from me. We have been isolated due to Covid restrictions and just seeing them has been difficult.

STBXWH and I are strictly NC and I have come to realise that I cannot even bare the thought of being in the same room as him, unless itís a Courtroom.

For my own future and sanity I must move on and hopefully soon my WH will be nothing but the father of my children.

The1stWife posted 10/26/2020 21:10 PM

What would be different from the other 10 or 11 times?

Keep telling yourself ďI will not continue to enable himĒ.

It appears as though he only wants you and the marriage when he canít have you.

And your child has just started to heal. If nothing else think about what could happen if you allow your H to return, he leaves again and your precious child has to start to heal all over again.

HellFire posted 10/26/2020 21:36 PM

I just feel like he keeps pulling me back in

As I've said to you before, you need to love your child more than you love this man. What he has done to you is horrific. But Your child has been torn apart over and over, and has no control over that. Its nothing but abusive. You have to put an end to that. This jackass left this last time,when you weren't home but your son was. He begged his dad to stay,and he abandoned that boy,sobbing and alone.

This child has been living in an abusive home. Only you can save him. Are you going to? Or are you going to enable his father to abuse him again?

Look, I know that's harsh. I know you are hurting, and I'm truly sorry about that. But you need to stop this. That child deserves better. Be better. Protect him. He may love his father, but his father doesn't love him as a father should. He is destroying that child.

Love him more than the man who is hurting him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:38 PM, October 26th (Monday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 10/26/2020 21:56 PM

Try to find a phone meeting of Alanon. Itís for families of alcoholics or really just being around anyone who is disordered. The phone line is a conference call thing. No one knows you are there unless you say you are there, you can just listen. You can go to the Alanon website in your country to get the times-phone numbers of the meetings.

The meetings get your mind off any current drama -as there is usually a topic, and then at the end people give out their number if anyone wants to have them be a sponsor.

Anyway, some things I learned thru Alanon:
My XWH is so messed up that he will never understand my logic of divorcing him. Itís ok, I must do what I know is best for my children and for me, and I donít have to explain it to him.
When my XWH tries to talk to me, argue with me, I have the right to not respond, lest there be a big fight in any conversation we have. I imagine he has thrown me a ball, and I let the ball hit the ground-I do not pick up the ball and throw it back.
I have the right to have a safe haven from the world, which is my home. As soon as I could, I changed the locks and told my kids our property lines were our safe havenóeven from their Dad. I called the police on him when he crossed my barriers of safety.

Keep posting here, we care.

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