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New normal

Devasated posted 10/31/2020 16:21 PM

My WH has been gone now for 4 1/2 weeks (because I kicked him out of the house). I am having difficulty with my new normal. Kids are grown and only one left in the house, but she is out of town for the weekend.
Left alone, my mind wanders to wishing he would come home. I already have an attorney and am in IC, but I still long for him to come back home. In all reality he is not a good person, but he was my person.
Any suggestions on how to cope?

leafields posted 10/31/2020 16:52 PM

Do you have any hobbies or something you used to do that you set aside?

Volunteer somewhere
Go to museums
Go to the library
Go have a massage
Go get a pedicure
Binge watch a TV show you haven't seen in awhile
Get a part-time job
Go for a bike ride
Go for a walk
Join a gym

Devasated posted 10/31/2020 17:29 PM

Yes, and I would definitely get out more if Covid didn't put life on hold again!

99problems posted 10/31/2020 19:50 PM

Yes, doing this during this pandemic has not been my favorite experience. Still, I've found things to do (hike, yardwork, read, etc.)
But I feel ya.

Justsomeguy posted 11/1/2020 07:26 AM

Sounds like you are mourning the idea of a relationship, rather than the actual relationship. It's tough. Grieving and healing are nonlinear. I really hate that about the process. I have been S for 27 months now. I had an on again, off again GF for a bit, but it just didnt work out. So I've been totally alone with just my two girls for about 7-8 months. The weeks they are here are good, but the weeks off are super lonely. It's getting better though.

It got so bad in August that I signed up for OLD. I regretted it immediately. I realized that I just wanted some grown up conversation and connection. I came to the conclusion that Covid and the social isolation had affected me more than I thought. Once I got back to work, things were much better for me.

The pandemic could be adding to the huge changes in you life and the feelings you are experiencing. It's not easy being alone at first. I really miss having someone in bed with me. Hell, I still can't bring myself to use the whole bed and just keep to my side.

There are things you can do to distract yourself, but those only provide temporary relief. If you are anything like me, you will need to walk through it. You can get to a place where being alone is peaceful. I tend to sanitize my past, making it seem better than it was. I ignore the hard parts. Just a thing I do.

When I got my apartment, I bought a mug that only I am allowed to use. It says peace on it, an emotion or state that is very important to me. Sometimes i go through my journal to remind myself of the agony and heartbreak of not only my M, but also dating after. And then I look at my mug and I realize that despite the loneliness which I still experience, there is a deeper,more resonant emotion present, peace.

When I was with my STBXWW, I would wake up every morning and the first thing that would happen is my heart would break once again after healing a bit that night. Then I would make myself a coffee. Now I wake up and just make myself a coffee. I cannot tell you how that feels, just having coffee.

I hope you find your way through this, I know you will. It's going to be difficult but worth it in the end. There is lots of great advice here from good people. Keep posting.

Thrownaway29 posted 11/2/2020 06:28 AM

My STBEH has only been out of the house for a week. But most days he still comes here to get more things. If he doesn't come over he texts and is mostly very nice now. So it is very easy to start thinking about things in a much different light then they really have been. I have made myself stop the consideration of him coming back home anytime soon. The fact of the matter is we get so "beat down" by their treatment that when it's quiet we start to tell ourselves it wasn't so bad because it isn't right now. But the fact is it was that bad and we need the space to work through it for us.

I started talking to an old friend again that I haven't really talked to in a long time and I am going out to do something each day even if it's just a short car ride. To show myself that there is life out there and I can be just fine in it by myself. The future will take care of itself I just need to focus on myself for now.

Having said that I have seriously considered myself crazy many days because I forget to do things that are very important and as a very organized person that is a major issue. So I understand the line of thinking that all of this would be better if they just came back.... all of the new stuff flying at us would stop and we could be in our "normal" life again. But I have to remember the pain that the "normal" life has caused our son and myself because it hasn't been a great situation for a long time. Sorry you are feeling this way I completely understand.

steadychevy posted 11/2/2020 08:08 AM

I made a list that I can add to that lists all of the things my XWW did that sabotaged our marriage. I use it for those times (getting less and less frequent) I start to think about the "good" times and wonder if there was a chance of going back to that place I thought was wonderful. As I indicated, I don't read it much and I don't know that I've ever read through it. It's long and in point form.

I think our minds re-write our own version of the marriage to the better and we deliberately overlook what got us to where we are. You know the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". It also makes us forget how harmed and traumatized we were.

crazyblindsided posted 11/2/2020 08:42 AM

I am 2 months into separation and it is strange almost like it was a past life or past nightmare. I try to stay as busy as possible when I don't have the kids. Luckily I have my cats and they keep me company. I do have friends I visit with once a week. After spending 24 years with someone it is very surreal, but I cannot ever forget how miserable he made me and how much he emotionally abused me. The M was never going to repair itself and my STBX just wanted me to forget it ever happened and I couldn't work with someone who wasn't ever going to work with me or for me.

I certainly question if there were good times, I know we had them, I just can't remember. It was bad for so long that is what is fresh in my mind. What a waste it all was.

Hoping we all find a happier and peaceful normal.

Devasated posted 11/3/2020 06:18 AM

Thank you everyone! I am doing better every day, however it is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It's the habit and routine that we had, I am realizing that part of me life is over and will never be again.
On DDay he was out of town on business (with her!). I told him not to come back and get his shit and get out, which he did. He didn't even say he wanted to R, just said our marriage is dead (news to me!)
So I guess with the abruptness of what transpired, and now I am forced to live in my new normal.
I am not looking forward to this journey however I know it was the absolutely best thing to happen. No one deserves to be treated poorly by anyone especially by the one who promised to love and protect them.

Staying strong!

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