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At some point he loved me

Gottagetthrough posted 11/6/2020 04:46 AM

We have been together for 22 years. We met at 21 and 19 years old. At some point he loved me. I think?

He transfered from our college without telling me after an intense 4 month love affair. I remember one saturday he was a little mad that id gone out all day with my Friends because he wanted to take me out. (He hadnt told me this). Not angry mad, just more like, what did you do that for.

He transfered back home mid semester, probably because if money or missing his family. But he didnt tell me this. I was devastated, i called him at home , thinkng id get his mom and ask when he left to come back tonscholly
. Thats when he told me he was not coming back. I said so what now, he said its over.

I kept calling and was upset, i said lets get married. He said really? And agreed, sent me roses, we had a long distance relationship for 1.5 years, and he was the one who said lets get married right after college... i had wanted to live together a few years, but he said, no, thats “disrespectful”. I thought how sweet, really old school..

Years later he told me he knew id leave him if we lived together before we got married so he wanted to get married first.

It feels like ive been chasing him for years.

I told him yesterday how hurt his emotional affair hurt me, and he just yelled that it wasnt an affair. I walked away.

There is absolutely no reconciliation with him. Hes done this too much. Im still confused how i feel about his sleeping with other women during our separation and active divorce case in 2010. It feels great that he cheated on ow 1... but why didnt he come to me and say i messed up? He continued to use ow 1 against me. She had access to my kids, to his email where shed email me as him (i knew it was her), hell, he was still taking her with him to his mom’s house, and mil and sils were welcoming her.

I know what happened- i wanted the family so much i overlooked and rug swept. But now my okder kids hate their father (dd calls him “your husband” and dd calls him by his first name). Wh doesnt value us, or the family. He doesnt want to go to the pumpkin patch or have family dinners. Im not really sure what he wants. Its not to grow a family.

When the kids leave the house, we will not have similar interests and do activities together. I like kayaking and Jane Austen books and going to museums. He likes texting women that he adores them at 2 am and sleeping around. And lying in bed all day talking about how depressed he is and how i don’t understand bipolar disorder and how mean i am.

Cooley2here posted 11/6/2020 06:04 AM

You are describing a person hopelessly chasing rainbows(other women) to fight depression. You have succumbed to sadness as well. I consider chronic depression as contagious. Are you happier away from him? That’s the question you need to answer.
I finally told my husband I am not responsible for his happiness. I can add to it but I can’t manufacture it. He has to do that himself. He has a tendency to bouts of melancholy and I can feel it steal over me if I am not carful. I am not normally sad so I KNOW his moods swamp mine if I am not aware. If I call attention to it he actively tries to overcome it and usually does.
I hope you find your happiness and don’t take on his depression.

tushnurse posted 11/6/2020 08:00 AM

Gotta honey....

This man is toxic. He always has been, he always will be.
You were young and optimistic, and didn't see his flaws. Nothing wrong with that, but now you know those flaws runs deep within him. Flaws that he is unwilling to fix.

I know your heart aches, but you are strong, and you will survive this. You will find happiness again, probably as soon as you can physically separate yourself from his poison on a daily basis.

Find your inner badass. You deserve so much more.

crazyblindsided posted 11/6/2020 11:59 AM

Is there a way for you to detach completely and just be roommates until you have the strength to leave?

I agree that he is toxic so was mine to the point that it became impossible to live together. When I left I felt like I was running for my life. I felt that if I stayed there with him I would die.

I'm not going to lie being separated comes with it's own pitfalls like not being able to see my kids as often as I'd like, but they do have a present mother now when they are with me. I was a zombie before.

(((Gottagetthrough))) it is so painful. You have spent your whole adult life with this person and it will take time to let go.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:00 PM, November 6th (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 11/6/2020 12:33 PM

When he had a manic episode and resigned his job, (due to ow 2) he opened his own business. I help him with that at his request. I do it so i know money is coming in, and to keep him going. But i dont WANT to be doing this... im basically his secretary.

Its hard to detach- i just had to text about a call- and he asked to look at his facebook because he was puttihg stuff on there regarding the business. I forgot i unfriended him a while ago, so i only see pics of me or friends on his page... and BAM. First pic i see is OW2 (and some others) during a work event 5 years ago. I told him that is what i was seeing and he said F*** You, i hid all of those pics on my facebook.

I sent a screenshot with my message, as wel. So he knows THAT was what i saw. No im sorry, no crap! Just a f u

JanaGreen posted 11/6/2020 12:39 PM

I'm so sorry. Your post title is heart breaking. I honestly think that many of the WS do love their BS - it's just that their capacity to love is shallow and twisted. It's toxic and not enough. You have to protect yourself from these people, they will hurt you.

twicefooled posted 11/6/2020 13:53 PM

We seem to have married the same man. I'm so sorry.

I'm almost 7 years out of the marriage now, so I have the luxury of perspective that you don't have yet. But I PROMISE you that you will thrive without having such a toxic person in the house.

Ultimately, it's up to each one of us to take the hands we've been dealt in terms of our mental health. It's up to us to make things better and no one else can do it for us. So if your husband is refusing to help himself get better, then it will NEVER get better. It will only get worse.

My exh used to stay in bed for days, lamenting on the fact that I didn't love him or else I would have stayed in bed with him and held and kissed him and made him feel better (I certainly did NOT do this as I was also working full time and raising our 2 very young children at the time). Or else he would say that I didn't understand his struggles (when trying to get him help, he never wanted to do the work he wanted quick medication and that's it).

Our son developed mental health issues 2 years ago (when he was 15). The difference is that he took any and all help that has been given to him. He finds value in therapy and credits it with saving his life. He uses the tools he was taught every day and wants to work as a counsellor when he gets older. THAT is how it's done.

Once I left my ex, I found myself with so much additional time on my hands (due to not babysitting my exh) and energy (due to not walking on eggshells around my exh). I used that energy to take more education and to start a side business for myself. I have wonderful friendship groups now, and dating has been fun (for the most part).

My kiddos are doing really well too. Not being in such a toxic environment has allowed them to really flourish. I wish I could go back in time and leave the first time I knew things weren't going well and save myself all the years of hell that I put myself and the kiddos through.

Better times are ahead, I promise you.

nekonamida posted 11/6/2020 13:59 PM

GGT, please make an escape plan. You had one. It fell through. But that doesn't mean accepting defeat and doubling down by enmeshing yourself in another aspect of his life. At absolute minimum - he doesn't need to know when you trigger. You don't need to go to him for answers that you will never get. It's like sticking your hand on the burner over and over again. You know it's going to burn so you need to stop and if you can't stop, you need to talk to your IC about how to stop. Only you can choose to stop opening yourself up to more abuse from him. NC = No new hurts.

What's going on with the legal side of your separation? Is anything moving forward?

Gottagetthrough posted 11/6/2020 15:03 PM

Im going to my really great therapist who helped me during the divorce in 2010. I moved and dont like my current therapist as much, old therapist helped me more (new therapist isnt bad, just old therapist is AMAZING)


Ive seen the old therapist throughout the years (shes located in the state my family is in). So ill see her when i go for 2 months in a few weeks.

99problems posted 11/7/2020 02:38 AM

I wish I didn't struggle with this same question.
Logically I don't anymore. I know that the woman I was with for 13 years is entirely worthless, that her idea of "love" isn't something that could have ever made me happy.
But emotionally... I wake up every morning thinking about it. When I have a spare moment in the day it is preying on me.
I'm working on it in therapy, doing the abandonment workbook, focused on me.
And still it hurts.
I'm struggling with anger, but I've realized that a lot of that anger is directed at myself, for not being able to get over someone who doesn't deserve one single millisecond of time or one single molecule of space in my head.
I just want to move on. But wanting it isn't the same as working hard to get it.
So work hard I shall.
That woman only has the power over me that I give her. And she NEVER deserved it. I gave it to her.
It is for me to take it back. Only I can do that. Nobody can do it for me.
This is not going to happen without effort on my part. More blood, sweat and tears. And the victim in me says, "Haven't I given enough?"
The real answer is, "No, not yet."
I will know that I have given enough once I am at peace. Once I realize that I am in a better place without the woman that I let make my life a living hell for a full third of it.
I am the one who gave her the power. I am the only one who can take it away.
I deserve a life free of this pain. I am worth the effort. YOU are worth the effort. YOU CAN DO THIS.

CoderMom posted 11/30/2020 22:27 PM

Bipolar disorder is something I have lived with because my mother is Bipolar. It can be a roller coaster.

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